There’s One Less Reason To Be Attached To Your Phone

People celebrating their fantasy baseball championships today pic.twitter.com/4bavGwku88

— Razzball (@Razzball) October 5, 2022

That is the best encapsulation of the joy of winning a fantasy baseball league. I’m sick it’s so on point. I hope everyone got to feel that “very dorky dancing while very white music plays surrounded by middle-aged men” joy yesterday. Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! That’s if you won your league, if you came in 2nd or worse, you get an A for effort. A big, shiny make-believe A.

So, another fantasy baseball season is in the books, and, with a baseball season in the books, it means Vladimir Guerrero Jr.’s 2026 season is now in the books, and, in conclusion, that is why we should burn books. Any questions? *calls on a guy who looks zonked* Yes? “If I’m going to IHOP is it MeHOP, MyselfHOP or IHOP, or does it depend on usage?” God damn it, is that you, Cody Bellinger?! Stop smoking so much weed! *Cody lowers his head, kicks a rock and walks out of the room* Okay, if there’s no more questions, I have one:  How long until next year’s rankings come out?! Wait, I have to write them. When I’m done, I’ll start to put them on our Patreon (expect November). Now, one more question, what do I do for the next three months? Oh, yeah, write the rankings! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jonah Tong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Tong’s like Lincecum without the four Cy Young-type years.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .225. He’s 32, is this the beginning of the end for Lindor? Or rather, “the beginning of three years of me comparing his contract to Bogaerts’s?”

Connelly Early – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.33, as he was activated from the IL. Welp, Nats won that trade! (Not kidding.)

Andres Chaparro – 3-for-4, and his 12th and 13th homer. Hot schmotato alert–Oh, wait, that’s right.

Nasim Nunez – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, and won the steals title. Was very cool of him to also hit .209 to bring back the spirit of SAGNOF.

Gabriel Moreno – Didn’t play as he became the 5th catcher in MLB history to win the batting title, he acted like he’d been there before by knowing to sit out the final day to make sure he won it. Batting titles are the funniest because players magically can’t play at the end of the year to win it. Next year, someone should go 1-for-1 in the first game and shut it down to win. Oh, hardy-har-har, he won’t qualify, right? Yeah, he would if there’s only one game next year, due to the lockout.

Michael Soroka – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.41. DBags came up a game short of the playoffs, but, hey, Moreno won the batting title!

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00, as the Phils made the playoffs playing the Cubs in Tampa (don’t ask). My preseason pick to win the World Series was the Brewers, but, just because the Phils lost every game in September except the last one, I wouldn’t count them out. Their pitching staff could carry them far.

Nick Martinez – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.10. What kind of idiot makes a genie wish to be exceptional until the last game of the season?

Alex Bregman – 4-f0r-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer. Many people don’t know this but Bregman and Swanson hit 28 and 19 homers, respectively, and all of them came in two games. Bregman did his damage on Sunday wearing his Halloween costume, so props to him.

Terminator (franchise)

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— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) September 25, 2026 at 8:45 AM

Jacob Misiorowski – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Won the strikeout and ERA titles and I bet he wins some Razzballies later in the week when I go over year-end awards that matter to the players more than a Cy or MVP. (By the by, Gavin Williams coming in 2nd for strikeouts is still somewhat shocking to me.)

Alec Burleson – Didn’t play on Sunday but won the RBI title with the lowest RBIs total since 2014 (I think; I’m always surprisingly stupid when it comes to just searching a dumb stat). Searching for the lowest RBIs totals to win the RBI title had me seeing an old friend in 2012, when Chase Headley led the NL. When you’re in the same company of Chase Headley, you know you’re in for a long and productive career. Check out Chase’s followup in 2013 — 59/13/50/.250/8 — ah, yeah, that’s the stuff.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 0-for-4, hitting .281. I’ll start the positional recaps later this week, and will go over the joys de Witt and (three’s) company, but I get the sense now Witt is actually a top three draft pick for next year and underrated.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4 and his 16th and 17th homer. That’s great, Pasketti! It’s too bad I wrote your name and Vlad Jr.’s on a 2027 candle that I put on a tiny float and pushed it out to sea like a Viking funeral.

Royce Lewis – 2-for-4 and a slam (15) and legs (16), hitting .227. When you’re doing a slam & legs on the final day of the season for an under-.500 team headed home, you’re almost doing too much. It’s like, “Look at me, I’m good when nothing matters.”

Logan Gilbert – 4 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Out at 61 pitches. Real question: Did any healthy pitcher prior to 2000 ever leave a game at 61 pitches or fewer with zero hits allowed? Hey, Gilbert, care about my fantasy team a little bit more, please! So, hilariously, I did search his name, and it returned a Pitchergami, meaning a line never thrown before in history. That means the whole of his line — walks, Ks, etc. — but it’s close enough for me. Gilbert out there doing stuff no one has ever done before. Lowercase yay!

Blake Snell – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.90. Dodgers Comatose Fan, “Snell had a 1.90 ERA this year? Wow, we must’ve won the division easily!” Well, actually, one doesn’t equal two, but you’re not wrong.

Andy Pages – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer. I won’t be able to be mad about lineups for a few months, so let me just say one final time, Dave Roberts hitting Pages 7th behind Tucker and Teoscar is brilliant. Kudos ain’t just a chocolate candy bar.

Hunter Goodman – 0-for-3 and his 40th and 41st homer on Saturday. Goodman is also the first Rockies player since Nolan Arenado left to be good in back-to-back seasons, breaking the string of disappointments of Brenton Doyle, Mickey Moniak, Nolan Jones, Ezequiel Tovar and Josh Rutledge.

Cole Carrigg – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, which was in 93 games, which doesn’t sound that impressive. A point you should be whispering in the ears of your leaguemates so he’s not overdrafted next year. “Carrigg? The coffee, K cup machine in hotel rooms? Oh, the player? Yeah, he stinks…” Then you draft him like crazy in 2027.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Didn’t play on Sunday. That’s too bad, I figured if he hit 21 homers on Sunday it would’ve made his season a little more palatable.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.74. I can’t figure out exactly why Scherzer didn’t say if this was his final game. I also can’t figure out why he’s wearing a Halloween costume of Bregman. Maybe he didn’t say it’s his final start because Max wants to help negotiate during the lockout or maybe he doesn’t want the maudlin goodbyes. It’s Max Scherzer, not Max Schmaltzer.

Sandy Alcantara – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.87 and 3rd save. I’ve gone from “the Marlins are the stupidest to make Sandy their closer” to “This is the best thing in the world for Sandy and his fantasy value.” I’m actually thinking about drafting him in my first 2027 draft as a closer.

Hayden Wesneski – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.25. I don’t like the term “shove” for a pitcher doing well, but that’s how you shove.

Christian Walker – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 29th homer, hitting .226. Astros won the AL West with a .500 record, and it felt a little bit more like all other AL West teams tried to lose the division, so, in some ways, the Angels losing 100 games for the first time in their history really won the division.

Konnor Griffin – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .272. I hate to do this, but Griffin played in almost exactly half a season’s worth of games, which is very easy to–[Mr. Prorater smashes through my door] Damn it! I knew you were going to do that! “Sorry, but Konnor Griffin’s season prorates to 12/46. Not too bad for a 20-year-old! Now can you call an ambulance? Your door’s wood sliced open my leg.”

Jared Jones – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.72. Get behind me for Jared Jones 2027 shares. Also, make the MLB season 155 games long again. Teams don’t show up the final week at all.

Justin Verlander – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. The most dramatic moment of the final weekend wasn’t you winning your fantasy baseball league (kidding, of course it was). If you liked old school baseball, this weekend had something for everyone. It had a triple retirement on Saturday. One of the best pitchers of this generation walking off the mound for the last time in Detroit. Take a bow, Kirby Yates. Also, that game featured another guy who was retiring, Laz Diaz, the home plate ump. If you like old school baseball, the Tigers game was a gift. You got to see Laz Diaz in his final game behind home plate calling pitches three-feet-off home and no challenges left by the fifth inning. Of course, Saturday’s Tigers game also featured the last game by the older brother to Ben Verlander, husband to Kate Upton and runner-up for a Cy Young to Rick Porcello — the incomparable, Justin Verlander. When he walked off the mound for the final time, a tear came to my eye because Laz Diaz wasn’t checking his glove for pine tar. I love rules. No, seriously, when his daughter ran to the mound to get him all I could think, “Fan on the field! Why doesn’t a groundskeeper tackle her?”