Welcome, prematurely balding men and five women who are married to prematurely balding men and decided if you can’t beat them, join them! Make yourself comfortable, this is gonna be a long post. Here, enjoy some coffee. Oops, you just drank rat poison. Don’t worry, it can’t be worse than owning Chris Archer in the 1st half. Oh, you owned him and that’s why you drank the poison! Now, I’m following! Hey, I’m supposed to be leading! Before we get into the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2016 fantasy baseball, let’s just be glad our 18-year-old selves can’t see us now, we’d get beat up! But our twelve-year-old selves would think we’re the coolest! So, as with all of the other 2016 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt. If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade that outfielder for that 2nd baseman. Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily. I could put Bryce Harper number two on the top 100 list for the second half of 2016 and he could pull a–Well, we won’t even mention an injury with Bryce. Why soil a good thing, ya know? This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache. This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while David Price did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because I still believe. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2016. I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what players will do. It’s like that camera from The Twilight Zone. Welcome to the future! Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2016:
1. Mike Trout – Really, any of the top 20 or so guys could be the best hitter in the 2nd half, which means I’ve just hedged this top 100 better than Groundskeeper Willie and I can now take a nap for thirty players. *dream sequence* Wow, Giancarlo is in a whipped cream dress and I’m a giant tongue. This is awesome. *alarm clock buzzes* Damn! Okay, yes, any could be the best player, but I want safety up top, so someone like Kris Bryant could be most valuable in the 2nd half, but Trout’s safer. Projections: 48/19/50/.321/8
2. Bryce Harper – What I said for Trout goes double for Bryce. I will save us both the semantics of writing the same thing twice. I say it goes double because Bryce hasn’t had the greatest 1st half, but he’s safer than most and could have the best 2nd half. Glory, glory Halle Berry! Projections: 46/20/52/.306/5
3. Paul Goldschmidt -A lot to ask of Au Shizz to have more homers in the 2nd half than his 1st half when there’s less games in the 2nd half, but the 1st half isn’t the 2nd half, and the 2nd half isn’t the 1st half. *waits for balloons* Damn, I thought I would’ve won something for writing the most confusing sentence ever. Projections: 44/17/51/.312/9
4. Kris Bryant – If you’re playing Playstation’s MLB game all during the break, trying to keep Bryant as hot as he was entering the break, I can understand it. Though, I don’t get why you haven’t showered in a week, but I’m sure you have your reasons. Projections: 48/18/51/.277/5
5. Anthony Rizzo – Up until about two weeks ago, Rizzo and Bryant were tied in homers, runs, RBIs, average and ERA. In fact all the top 100 hitters are tied in ERA, but they’re cheating since they haven’t pitched. What I’m getting at is Rizzo could catch up to Bryant with one hot week. The week of August 7th, specifically. What? I’m related to Zoltar. Projections: 46/19/53/.271/3
6. Max Scherzer – My 2nd half rankings depart from my 1st half rankings in one major way, I give more credence to top pitchers. A few reasons A) Pitchers get hurt and are risky, but, at this point in the season, we know which pitchers are healthy and pitching well. B) A top pitcher can make a huge difference still, whereas an upside flyer on a pitcher isn’t as valuable. I.e., if your ratios need help, a flyer on someone like Tyler Glasnow is only going to get you so far, whereas Scherzer can make a difference in the final months. C) There’s no C. Projections: 11-2/2.59/0.98/131
7. Mookie Betts – Not a whole lot of the rankings here will correlate with next year’s preseason rankings, but I could see Betts being here, whether or not you’re a gambling man. Projections: 55/14/45/.303/12
8. Nolan Arenado – I’m just going to leave this pile of feathers right here, before I start stuffing them into pillows to send to Indonesia for all the kids who sleep every night without a pillow. *notices a small breeze at first* Wait, shut the windows! No! It’s a Torenado! My feathers for the Indonesian children!!! Projections: 42/18/50/.296/2
9. Manny Machado – Let the debates begin! Not Hillary and Trump, Machado or Arenado! I debated which should be ranked first between these two longer than I care to admit. Okay, for 27 seconds. And I could still see Machado over Arenado. I ended up this way, because of Coors and Machado hasn’t stolen one base all year. Projections: 48/15/47/.295/4
10. Jose Altuve – On our Player Rater, which measures what players have already done, Altuve is number one. He got out to an early lead in April and never relinquished that spot. Some people came knocking for him, but Altuve had one of those half doors and only opened the top. Projections: 52/7/40/.327/20
11. Josh Donaldson – He hasn’t been quite as good as last year, but he hasn’t been that off from it either. If last year he was A1, this year he’s homemade A1 steak sauce that tastes almost exactly the same but has omitted the xanthan gum and caramel color. So it’s healthier, but no one wants healthier with steak sauce. If I wanted healthier, I’d ask for tofu sauce! Projections: 52/15/46/.291/4
12. Starling Marte – You know what type of socks the Pirates should wear? Arggggghh-yle. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours! Projections: 39/9/42/.301/17
13. Chris Sale – You could take Scherzer, Sale and Bumgarner, put them in a hat and place them in any order. Yes, you need a very big hat. No, I don’t know where to find that big of a hat. Stop with the semantics! Projections: 9-2/2.89/1.04/117
14. Miguel Cabrera – He’s such a professional hitter, which doesn’t do him justice since, technically, Billy Butler is a professional hitter too. Projections: 44/15/48/.311/1
15. Madison Bumgarner – Fun fact! In the very politically correct San Francisco area, they call him Madison Homelessgarner. Projections: 7-3/2.61/1.04/108
16. George Springer – If this were dynasty rankings, I’d have Springer much higher. Somewhere between Joan Collins and Linda Evans. Projections: 50/15/38/.271/9
17. Giancarlo Stanton – “Mi amor, I write you this letter to wish you the best in all of your future endeavors, and, if you see fit, open up that guest bedroom you haven’t used since 2014 and I’ll be waiting for you. Ta-ta for now.” Oh, sorry, didn’t hear you come in. I was just writing a letter–Any hoo! Giancarlo had about the worst possible first half for him. And he still hit 20 homers! Projections: 42/20/49/.254/1
18. Xander Bogaerts – In hindsight, I should’ve had Bogaerts ranked higher in the preseason, but, to me, hindsight is really just drawing a pair of glasses on your butt then mooning someone. You should see my foresight! Projections: 49/8/43/.317/8
19. Chris Davis – This guy is the type of hitter that could be worth about the same as Nadir Bupkis in the 2nd half, or could be the number one hitter in fantasy for two-plus months. Projections: 37/20/47/.244/1
20. Carlos Correa – Gonna be hard to rank Correa next year if he doesn’t turn things around in the 2nd half. That was my inner monologue. Interesting, huh? Projections: 37/14/45/.273/9
21. Mark Trumbo – Can I write the overrated in 2017 post for Trumbo right now? Yeah, I likely can. His HR/FB% is so obscenely bloated. Then why am I ranking him so high here? Because I’m done fighting him for this season. He’s having one of those charmed years and then next year it’ll be Pumpkin-ville. Projections: 37/16/42/.261/1
22. Francisco Lindor – If you wanted to rank Lindor above Bogaerts, I wouldn’t argue with you. Arguing is chicken soup for the devil soul. *licks pencil, writes in pad* Possible title for self-help book, “Arguing is chicken soup for the devil soul.” Projections: 41/9/44/.281/9
23. Eric Hosmer – He’s not quite as prolific, but he feels like the new, old Joey Votto. The old Joey Votto new again? The new Joey Votto of old? You know what I mean! Projections: 41/12/45/.303/4
24. Todd Frazier – Feels almost identical to what I said for Chris Davis, but with a lower ceiling and higher floor. The Mertin-Flemmer Building’s Davis. Projections: 38/15/44/.245/5
25. Yoenis Cespedes – The Mets needed a bat in the middle of their order this offseason, and they landed a solid one. They now look at Yoenis and think, “I wonder if he can pitch.” Projections: 42/15/45/.277/3
26. Gregory Polanco – Let’s just bask in my glory one last time. This preseason, I said, “Two quick things: Yes, I’m aware that Polanco is ranked insanely high in my rankings vs. other people’s rankings. And, yes, I’m going to own Polanco on every team. Confession Alert! I had Polanco in the top 20 overall prior to seeing where others ranked him and moved him down a round. I could’ve moved him down six rounds and still had him higher than everyone. Polanco feels like an Arenado situation from last year. By that I mean, I will say something to another fantasy baseball ‘pert like, “Do you like Polanco?” They’ll reply, “Yeah, I love him.” I’ll follow up with, “Then why do you have him ranked 110 overall?” They’ll answer, “I don’t know.” Then my head will explode.” And that’s me quoting me! Damn, I am a special kind of idiot savant. Projections: 44/10/41/.278/12
27. Clayton Kershaw – Bit of a wild card here, which is not something I’m used to saying about Kershaw. If he returns healthy end of July, nice, you get ten starts and he’s ridiculously dominant. If he has a setback or he’s not back until mid-August, you get either wonky or only six to eight starts. More succinctly, there’s risk. Most succinctly, *motions to game of Risk without saying anything* Projections: 7-2/2.17/0.86/119
28. Robinson Cano – Trumbo and this guy were my two big misfires with Sells this year. Two misfires out of two-point-six million predictions isn’t terrible. Yes, I counted them all. Though, I stopped after 15 and rounded up a few million. Projections: 41/13/48/.288/1
29. Stephen Strasburg – We’re about to go into a tier of pitchers that should feel safer than they do considering how high they’re ranked. So, let’s embrace some risk! *dons parachute* And away we go! *jumps off playground monkey bars* Okay, this thing did not deploy. Projections: 8-3/2.71/1.05/109
30. Jake Arrieta – I’m a little iffyboozled on where to rank Arrieta. His walks are way up, his xFIP isn’t gorge and he’s struggled recently. Still, he feels safer than most for ace numbers. By the way, iffyboozled is totally a word. Projections: 8-2/2.81/1.08/110
31. Carlos Carrasco – I was thisclose to ranking Carrasco above Arrieta, and with a microscope you can’t see how close my fingers are between this and close. Like right there. Not iffyboozled by Carrasco, just it feels slightly safer going with this ranking. Projections: 7-4/2.91/1.07/104
32. Danny Salazar – Not iffyboozled on how much I love Salazar, but again he just doesn’t feel as safe. I can’t put my finger on it (because I have my hands up, dancing to Single Ladies by Beyonce). Projections: 7-3/2.78/1.13/101
33. David Price – His middle name may as well be iffyboozled. He has a terrible ERA but with almost one more K per nine than last year when he had a 2.45 ERA. Talk about bad luck. Sorry, let me rephrase. Simon says talk about bad luck to yourself. Projections: 8-3/3.07/1.09/110
34. Jose Fernandez – The Marlins have already said they’re going to shut Jo-Fer down early, then I look at his WHIP and I’m like, “Watch his WHIP…Yay…Yay… Watch his WHIP…Yay…Yay…” Projections: 5-3/2.41/1.04/99
35. Jacob deGrom – I don’t understand why deGrom’s velocity is down this year, causing his Ks to tank, but it’s concerning in its iffyboozlement. Yet — again with some stank — YET! He’s been solid enough in ERA and the NL East. Projections: 7-4/3.11/1.13/90
36. Noah Syndergaard – I’m worried about Matz. Won’t have any faith in Harvey for a few years. And now Syndergaard ends the 1st half with arm fatigue. It’s more of a gut call, and I just ate a vegan meatloaf that they called metaloaf, but Syndergaard feels like he can finish the year productively. There is a ton of iffyboozlement here though. Projections: 8-3/2.77/1.09/114
37. Charlie Blackmon – Fun fact! Charlie Blackmon wears Drakkar Noir and tells people, “Call me, Chazz Noirman.” Projections: 52/8/32/.288/10
38. Carlos Gonzalez – At one point during the making of this list, I had CarGo up in the top 20, but with news that he’s actively asking for a trade, I have cold feet. “Grey, there’s 15 places in your neighborhood for socks.” No, Siri, I have cold feet is an expression, just type what I tell you. “There is no expressway for cold feet in your area.” Ugh. Projections: 38/14/41/.274/2
39. Corey Seager – This guy is one of the biggest differences between my rest of the season rankings and our Rest of the Season Player Rater. The RoS PR is powered by Steamer, which uses cold hard math, and I lean more on gut, which can fluctuate depending on what I last ate. Also, Steamer seems to hate guys with smaller sample sizes. Sounds like this girl I used to date. Projections: 41/13/37/.279/3
40. Nelson Cruz – Kinda in same boat as Chris Davis and Todd Frazier. The all-or-nothing boat, which is also what the Titanic’s shipbuilder called his follow-up. Projections: 36/18/44/.257
41. Ryan Braun – There’s no tiers like my preseason rankings, but, if there were, I’d call this mini tier, “The fall of the former 2nd rounders.” Projections: 39/12/44/.308/7
42. Andrew McCutchen – How far should they fall from their 2nd round perch? That’s the question. After, of course, the question: Did mom buy Cheetos like I asked her? Projections: 40/10/41/.281/5
43. Jose Abreu – With McCutchen and Abreu, they likely should have fell further in the rankings. If only they didn’t have a track record longer than Courtney Love’s arms, they would’ve. Projections: 38/14/42/.281/1
44. Adam Jones – If we were going on what each player did in the first half, Jones would be above the previous few players, but we’re not going on what guys have done already. This is what they’re going to do. And I can’t even convince myself that Jones still won’t be better than McCutchen and Abreu. Projections: 47/12/33/.265/1
45. Edwin Encarnacion – This is silly, but since Edwin hasn’t been injured yet this year, I’m expecting it to happen in the 2nd half. Hey, I told you it was silly. Projections: 36/14/41/.261/1
46. Jose Bautista – Since he should be activated soon after the All-Star break, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt with this ranking. So far this year in value, he’s just behind Melky. If that continues, I will call him Jose Mucousy. Projections: 41/16/44/.241/1
47. Corey Kluber – He’s the type of pitcher — oh, wee, oh, ooooooh — that gives so many innings with so many Ks, he’s more valuable than what you see with just his ratios. I’m the type of fantasy baseball ‘pert that gets suspicious when Bill Cosby tells me the puddin’s delicious — oh, wee, oh, ooooooh. Projections: 7-4/3.41/1.06/108
48. Jon Lester – He’s the type of pitcher — oh, wee, oh, ooooooh — that gives so many Ks and so few walks, but baserunners be going to 2nd and don’t need no balks. I’m the type of fantasy baseball ‘pert that leaves my drawers in your hamper, and then apologizes for the glass of water that was in the drawer and now everything’s damper — oh, wee, oh, ooooooh. Projections: 8-3/3.09/1.10/97
49. Kyle Seager – You can set your watch by Seager’s stats. Assuming you have a watch with a ‘home run hand’ and an ‘RBI hand.’ “Um….Let’s see…. It’s 17 RBIs past the Home Run?” Projections: 40/12/41/.269/2
50. Rougned Odor – Right now, Rougned Odor’s parents are thinking, “Wait, which Rougned Odor did Grey rank?” Projections: 37/12/44/.274/6
51. Kenley Jansen – SAGNOF! Projections: 2-1/1.64/0.81/40, 20 saves
52. Aroldis Chapman – See Jansen, Kenley. Or 1/18th inch above. Or three inches if talking to a girl. Projections: 3-1/1.77/0.98/45, 19 saves
53. J.D. Martinez – Just Dong needs to Just Damn-return! Uh, Just …Dividend? Thesaurus, you are failing me! Projections: 31/13/35/.281/1
54. Johnny Cueto – He’s done so well in his move to San Fran and the NL West, it makes Samardzija look like an even bigger piece of shitmardzija. Projections: 7-3/2.89/1.09/78
55. Buster Posey – The best catcher is the world’s tallest midget, but it’s not Altuve. Weird! Projections: 37/8/40/.295/2
56. Joey Votto – This is a bit of a snooze section, huh? Oh, I know, it’s more like when your radio alarm goes off but is on a slow jam station. Like Teddy Pendergrass is waking you up. Projections: 34/11/33/.281/4
57. Adrian Beltre – I was just thinking, Beltre hasn’t had an injury to his nutsack in a while. Do other people have thoughts like this? Projections: 40/9/41/.283/1
58. Evan Longoria – Swear on Giancarlo’s tight tush, I rank these guys then jump around writing the blurbs, so I forget exactly where certain guys are. Then, I landed here and saw Longoria and was like, “Why in the name of Ravi Shankar, is Longoria ranked this high?!” Then I looked again at his stats and I kinda understood it. Kinda. With stipulations. By the way, stipulations is not the liquid that comes out the side of your mouth when you suck too fast on a straw. Projections: 37/13/40/.271/1
59. Albert Pujols – I ranked him a bit too high in the preseason, but he’s on almost the exact pace I expected of him with my preseason projections: 82/30/93/.257/4. Prolly will miss on the runs by 15+, but it’s not my fault the Sciosciapath thought it was a good idea to make Jefry Marte a semi-regular. Projections: 31/14/39/.258/2
60. Jonathan Villar – He goes through a five game stretch where you think he’s finally cooled off, then he steals five bags in four games and you’re like, “I wish I had more room on my Trapper Keeper for my Villar love.” Projections: 37/3/20/.255/18
61. Maikel Franco – Full disclosure: I had Maikel ranked here last week before he hit four homers in four games. I always believed in Maikel. I’m a Maikeliever. Projections: 29/12/32/.271/1
62. David Ortiz – “Due to carpal tunnel from answering 500 comments a day for 20 years, I’m using my nose to type this. Any hoo! Welcome back for another great year here in 2026 and I’m glad to see Ortiz is having one more final season. Only his 10th final season.” That’s me in ten years. Projections: 31/13/41/.275/1
63. Miguel Sano – I kinda like Sano more now than I did in the preseason. Honestly, I have no idea why. He’s still a good bet to hit .220 with nothing but the occasional homer. Damn, I’ve already talked myself out of him. Projections: 28/15/35/.235/1
64. Wil Myers – Here’s a little mini tier called, “You showed me something this 1st half and I’m rewarding you with a spot in my top 100, which is better than any monetary prize you could get (if the monetary prize is paid in nickels or pennies).” Projections: 36/11/34/.275/6
65. Ian Desmond – What do Desmond, Myers, Nunez, Kinsler, Melvin and Story have in common? They all play baseball! Dude, that was easy. Oh, and they all had a better 1st half than I’d expect in the 2nd half. Projections: 41/12/38/.255/6
66. Ian Kinsler – What do Desmond and Kinsler specifically have in common? They play baseball! Are you paying attention? Projections: 47/7/33/.274/5
67. Trevor Story – I wonder if Story calls David Dahl like Marvin Berry would call his cousin, Chuck. Only instead of telling him he needs to check out a song, he needs to get a taste of Coors Field. Projections: 35/11/36/.242/3
68. Eduardo Nunez – He’s ranked in the top 15 overall for fantasy in the 1st half. So, yes, I needed to rank him somewhere in the top 100. Projections: 41/7/27/.291/14
69. Melvin Upton – See Nunez, but Melvin is only in the top 20. Or look at Justin Upton’s owners weep, that’ll also get the point across about how well Melvin’s been. Projections: 31/9/34/.253/10
70. Marcell Ozuna – OZUNA have 1st half to remember. OZUNA owe 1st half to positive thinking. OZUNA also give props to bat boy who told OZUNA to avoid being distracted by center field unicorn vomit statue. Projections: 35/11/38/.268/1
71. Freddie Freeman – On a more general note, anyone ranked around here and not ranked at all could be the same within a few weeks. I.e., Carlos Gomez gets hot after the All-Star break and Freeman goes cold, are they really that different? No, homey, that’s what I’m saying. Projections: 36/12/34/.275/2
72. Jeurys Familia – From Wikipedia, “The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.” Well, I’m here to tell you it only took three days for them to type up this post. No banana for Ling-Ling! Type faster! Projections: 1-2/3.12/1.18/30, 17 saves
73. Zach Britton – You know what it’s called when Britton leaves the bullpen? A Brexit. Projections: 1-1/2.65/1.01/33, 16 saves
74. David Robertson – D. Avid SAGNOF’er knows what’s up with closers, but I’ll hit you with some info on the quick fast. Saves Ain’t Got No Face. Essentially means a closer is a closer is a closer. Doesn’t matter if they’re getting saves. Those who owned the Swedish director of SAGNOF, Jeanmar, know what I’m saying. With that said (Grey’s reversing shizz?!), if you need saves to gain points in your league, I say buy them aggressively in the 2nd half. Projections: 1-2/3.03/1.21/35, 17 saves
75. Cole Hamels – His peripherals don’t look pretty, but, ya know what, Pineda’s peripherals do look pretty, and how well has that worked out? Not to get all Murray Chass up in here, but I’m going on track record for Hamels over peripherals. Projections: 7-3/3.35/1.25/85
76. Lance McCullers – He was working at the Ministry of Giving Up Silly Walks in the 1st half (5+BB/9), but I’m going to go out on a Bonsai tree limb and say he was dealing with some mechanics issue that is now ironed out like the Dokken patch on my denim jacket. Projections: 6-4/3.12/1.24/91
77. Gerrit Cole – I moved Cole all over the top 100 before settling him into this spot. Don’t love a pitcher returning from injury, and he wasn’t terrific prior to the injury (7.2 K/9), but he can be lights out, so it’s a gamble worth taking. Hopefully, he’s not lights on. “Hey, Roberto Kelly, what are you doing here?” That’s what someone says after turning the lights on. Projections: 6-5/3.02/1.21/72
78. Justin Upton – Bit of a joke that he’s even ranked in the top 100 with how his 1st half went. It’s a visual joke. Have someone open their team that owns Upton, and then laugh at the page. Projections: 32/10/37/.251/5
79. Chris Archer – What better place to put Archer than with fellow schmohawk Upton. These two should get a room. Dot dot dot. In a burning building. Projections: 5-6/3.87/1.33/100
80. Jackie Bradley Jr. – On our Player Rater, JBJ has been around the 35th most valuable player. Not most valuable hitter. Not the most valuable outfielder. The most valuable player in all of fantasy. Power + speed + great lineup for runs and RBIs = A girl offering to go Dutch on a first date means you’re not getting laid. Hmm, math is off there, was supposed to equal great fantasy value. Projections: 34/9/36/.282/6
81. Lorenzo Cain – Think it’s fair to say last year was the year to own Cain…Sugar!, but if he returns quickly enough he will bat third and give you speed and power, similarly to actual Cain…Sugar! Projections: 31/7/33/.298/7
82. Jonathan Schoop – The funny thing (not funny), Schoop will hit 25 homers this year, conceivably break out as I predicted in the offseason, and, next year, he’ll still be ranked too low by the big box sites. Projections: 33/12/37/.271/1
83. Carlos Martinez – His velocity and ERA are fine. His shoulder issues last September seem to be firmly in his rearview, but — NO, NOT BUT! Sorry, Mr. Al Caps. — C-Mart’s Ks are way down. Projections: 7-2/3.48/1.20/74
84. Yu Darvish – It’s so ridiculous he’s ranked this high. He has 15 2/3 IP this year. There’s an emoji for that. It’s an eggplant followed by a mousetrap. But I did rank him here because he has ace upside. Projections: 3-1/2.43/1.10/55
85. Nick Castellanos – You know who Castellanos is in Coors? Arenado. Blasphemy or a truther you can’t handle? Projections: 32/11/36/.282/1
86. Marcus Semien – It makes me so excited to be able to see Semien shoot this high in the rankings. I could dot more eyes than Mississippi. Projections: 33/12/37/.251/4
87. Jake Lamb – I’d just like to say, wham-bam, thank you, Lamb. Projections: 31/10/37/.271/2
88. Christian Yelich – That whole breaking out thing didn’t really come to fruition with Yelich. Unless we’re talking about his 18-year-old, desperately seeking Proactiv face. Projections: 37/5/38/.303/6
89. Billy Hamilton – Is he really that much better than Jarrod Dyson? I mean, SAGNOF, after all, right? Hamilton has been more valuable than Dyson for his whole career, so you tell me. Don’t tell me, you nancy! I was speaking rhetorically! Projections: 31/2/18/.247/22
90. Felix Hernandez – He’s being ranked here simply on name value. He’s kinda like Ian Kennedy but in reverse. Ian Kennedy is pitching better than F-Her, but has worst name value. Why am I ranking on name value? Because you can likely trade F-Her for a guy around this value. I wouldn’t want F-Her though, and this isn’t simply because I’m married and I haven’t had an F-Her in three months. Projections: 6-2/3.27/1.20/71
91. Hanley Ramirez – Essentially a hitting version of F-Her. I will call him, F-Ram. Projections: 35/8/37/.283/5
92. Khris Davis – Doode gets banged up on the reg, am I right? Or am I right-right? Right-right-right? Projections: 31/14/37/.245/1
93. Adam Duvall – Steamer hitter projections have Duvall down for ten more homers. And, honestly, I can’t tell if that’s being conservative or aggressive. We are in unknown territory here. I’m suddenly hedging like Nate Silver. “I don’t know what to expect in November; I didn’t think we’d get this far with a guy who once fired Gary Busey over Lil’ Jon.” Projections: 30/12/37/.244/2
94. Daniel Murphy – Should’ve likely been up there with Ian Desmond and the rest of the ‘Ooh, your 1st half so good,’ but I trust Murphy even less in the 2nd half. Projections: 35/5/37/.297/2
95. Willson Contreras – I removed Jason Kipnis and Kole Calhoun for Contreras. Will the two I removed end up actually worth more than Will the two L? Likely, but an upside gamble in fantasy isn’t a bad move when you need some Lisa Leslie. You know, the ultimate spark. What, not WNBA fans? That’s too bad, I didn’t know you were sexist. Projections: 31/9/36/.281
96. Matt Kemp – I wanted to remove Kemp from the top 100 like I removed Calhoun and Kipnis, but, who knows, maybe he’ll be traded somewhere and have a great final two months. I’d guess the Yankees because if there’s any team that loves them some name value with guys that are five years past their prime, it’s the born-in-1927 Yanks. Projections: 34/12/37/.269/1
97. Troy Tulowitzki – If he guaranteed me he’d play the entire 2nd half, I’d be like, “Yo, Tulo just lied to me. You on blast, Tulo! Yo, I’m going on Wendy Williams to put Tulo blast!” Projections: 27/12/34/.247
98. Brandon Belt – Hasn’t really broken out as much as I would’ve liked, but if I dropped Belt anymore I would’ve needed to pixelate myself. Projections: 38/8/40/.281/1
99. Dexter Fowler – I removed ODB to fit Fowler in this list. Shame on a fantasy baseball ‘pert! Projections: 41/7/26/.271/5
100. Dee Gordon – Without PEDs, I expect Gordon to hit 35-foot dribblers, then get grabbed-up by a strong gust of wind. “Daddy, is that a kite?” “No, son, it’s Dee Gordon without the power to stay on the ground.” Projections: 31/0/17/.267/18
101. Stephen Piscotty – Will this list ever end? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty should know! By the way, you wanna kill three hours during the break? All of the rest of the season hitter projections and pitcher projections. Those are via Steamer, so they don’t match mine, but I did consult them like you consult a diner placemat to figure out where Wyoming is. Projections: 34/9/24/.283/2
102. Whoever Helps You Win – Don’t get tied to projections and rankings and “I drafted this guy in the 4th round this year.” Yeah, we all hate Heyward, not just you. The worst thing you can do at this stage is hold onto players just because of what they could do vs. what they are doing. What they are doing is what wins championships and that’s what excites the ladies in your daydreams and your daydreams are real to you.
