When did Opening Day for the Padres become a laugher? Was it when Corey Seager (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) homered off Christian Bethancourt? You might remember Bethancourt was a catcher last year, but the Padres brought him back this year as a reliever. If the Padres are going to make every one of their terrible hitters a reliever, their bullpen is going to get crowded. Maybe that wasn’t the moment it became as cringeworthy as Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie’s romance. Maybe it was the moment Jhoulys Chacin was pulled after giving up nine earned in 3 1/3 IP. Considering this was the Padres’ best starter, the game score for their fifth best starter is going to be 38 to 1. Maybe the moment an 0-162 season became a possibility was when Yasmani Grandal (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd home run, tying Madison Bumgarner for the major league lead. Or maybe it was the moment Manuel Margot (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting leadoff) tried to take first base after three balls, because he was facing Kershaw, and no one wants to face Clayton Kershaw (7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks). Kershaw must’ve felt like Meatloaf when he mowed down Dan Cortese’s 1999 Rock n Jock team. Oh, and haven’t even mentioned Joc Pederson (1-for-3, 5 RBIs with his 1st homer, a grand slam). He never gets any love in the preseason, but I can’t ever (I mean never) move past that he was the first 30/30 guy in the PCL in 80 years. Kinda wish I owned Pederson in more (any) leagues. Well, looks like LA now owns San Diego’s Chargers and Chacin. Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles might be the next beneficiary. Though, if LA takes San Diego’s navy, it’ll prolly only be used in a West Hollywood musical featuring Village People songs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Schimpf – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, a blast off Kershaw. I’m gonna start calling him, “——pf’s Bang!”
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two home runs (1, 2). True story: Rudy writes the titles, and I was like, “I need an Odor title, he should be the opening paragraph,” and he said, “Odor’s been the lede for the last two months.” He has a point.
Me: ODOR! pic.twitter.com/A7yfm6va45
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 3, 2017
Delino DeShields – Didn’t play. *removes comforter from bed of nails, removes bedspread, climbs to top of dresser, jumps onto bed of nails*
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. We’re going to find out if CarGomez latched onto the Rangers with the dead cat bounce or stray cat strut.
Yu Darvish – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks vs. Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 5 ER. Exhibit B on why I want to bench all of my starters the 1st week.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Maybe my sushi chef was wrong when he told me 2016 was the best year for fluke.
Steven Matz – Mets revealed Matz has a flexor tendon strain. I imagine Matz’s elbow tendon like the rubber band used as a mafia wallet. “Hey, Joey Doughnuts, you got a hundred singles for a hundred? Crap, too late, my wallet rubber band snapped.”
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, but left early with a blister and will have his next start bumped from Saturday to Sunday. Though, knowing the Mets, they hired Rich Hill to treat pitchers’ blisters.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal as he hit 2nd. Said like Cher from Clueless, “As…DRUBAL!”
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Fun fact! The TSA pats down Teheran longer than 13-year-olds.
Roberto Osuna – Expected back after minimum time on DL. Papi Smear’s cervical spasm must be feeling better. In the mean’s while, I’ll hold Jason Grilli (1 IP, 1 ER), though, yesterday, was obvi not gorge. The preceding was a sentence aimed at attracting more millennials. C’mon, this is better than eSports!
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Why wasn’t he drafted like he was the same as Edwin Encarnacion (who homered too)? Position eligibility? Not sure that’s the reason. Not sure there is a reason.
Tyler Saladino – Was set to hit leadoff before the rainout. Last year, he had eight homers and 11 steals in 93 games and stole 25 bags in Triple-A the year before. For what it’s Werth, I own him in one mixed league.
Cam Bedrosian – The Sciosciapath said he plans to use a closer by committee. Just when you thought Dusty was the worst for how late he announced Treinen as closer, The Sciosciapath steps up his stupid. I grabbed Andrew Bailey in two leagues just in case The Sciosciapath’s stupid knows no bounds, though, by grabbing Bailey, I may be as stupid.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Who’s this guy? New guy in the league?
Stephen Vogt – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Let me be the first person (probably not the first) to say, it looks like homers are back again this year.
Khris Davis – 3-for-4 and two home runs (1, 2). Seriously, whatever secret tight-wrapping, Guatemalan baseball factory Our Commissioner Manfred was using last year, he’s using it again.
Santiago Casilla – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Usually I’d say something here like, “Oh, man, they are so dumb! They didn’t use their best reliever for the ninth! So dumb, dummy, dumb!” But, in the A’s case, I don’t know if they have a good reliever. I guess Dull’s had his moments, even if there’s usually never a Dull one. Madson’s okay, but, yeah, okay isn’t great. Doolittle’s not exactly do much. So, I guess grab Casilla, but this could be an ugly committee.
Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Edinson’s fine in deep leagues. Related/unrelated note: can’t we get Marlins Man to go on Shark Tank and convince Mark Cuban to buy the Marlins? Over 75% of their fans are Cuban!
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. His velocity was there, regularly pinging 98 on the gun. A tad bit more than JB in flip-flops and ankle brace.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3 and his 1st home run. I have him on three teams this year, and he was prolly the number one reason for excitement about a late-1st round pick in snake drafts. Like Harvey Keitel would say, we shouldn’t start giving each other reach-arounds just yet, but I have a feeling we’re gonna love owning Bryce this year. He wants to prove why he’s worth about $5,000 million.
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. Mini Donkey was my first batty call of the season! *turns to mirror* I love you for everything you are and for everything you want to be.
Greg Holland – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Must be a Rockies’ thing because Bud Black has seemed to pick up were Walt Weiss left off, and never officially named a closer, but Holland appears to be the man. So, with Holland in the role, you can put your two lips on Ottavino and kiss him goodbye.
Jon Gray – 4 IP, 5 ER. All right, so that could’ve went better, but he did get seven Ks. *sees it was against the Brewers* Okay, every starter should get at least seven Ks against the Brewers. *looks at Stream-o-Nator to see if Gray will be home in his next start* Maybe we should’ve thought through this whole owning a Rockies starter thing.
Junior Guerra – Headed to the DL after leaving with a calf strain. Bring up Josh Hader! Kidding, prolly too early for him. Instead, the Brewers will likely jump on the Cravy boat.
Keon Broxton – 0-for-3 and a steal as he hit sixth. We should have a glossary term for when you’re watching a game and it’s on a few-second time delay but you also have your fantasy team window open and you already see what the player has done before it happens. Please suggest in the comments, thank you.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win as he beat out Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. This matchup had more coincidences than a M. Night Shyamalan movie. A Duffy starred in Dallas; the Cowboys play in Irving, which sounds like Ervin; Danny (Duffy; Ervin) Santana plays for the Twins and Ervin Santana moved into an apartment complex with a mermaid named Danny. Weird, right?
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Did I say Kepler (1-for-4, 1 run)? I meant, Sano! Kidding (sorta). I know it’s terrible Kepler’s batting 8th, but you have to give your players a little bit of time into the season.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he hit out of the two hole. Speaking of which, it’s good to have you back, Moistasskiss!
Bronson Arroyo – On track to start Saturday in St. Louis. St. Louis radar guns have been preparing by clocking Frisbee tosses in a nearby dog park.
Jeanmar Gomez – 1 IP, 2 ER and the ugly save. Jeanmar is like Omar from The Wire, except it is everyone else in the vicinity whistling and carrying a bat. If Hector Neris isn’t owned in your league, he should be.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Somehow I ended up with Galvis on a bunch of teams, because he was forgotten on draft day since everyone assumes J.P. Crawford is going to be promoted in June. In most leagues where you can draft Galvis with the last pick, I’m pretty sure you can grab someone off waivers when Crawford comes up.
Felix Hernandez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, but F-Her left with groin tightness. Groin tightness, huh? He must’ve drafted Rougned Odor too!
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Keuchel vs. F-Her was a matchup of two number ones that Grey wanted no part of! That’s what everyone calls them, right? No? Oh, okay.
George Springer – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Carlos Correa (1-for-2, 2 RBIs) hit his first homer. Good day yesterday for the players I put in my 2nd round. If only I put Max Kepler in the 2nd round!
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Lesson here is never underestimate chain workouts, and next year draft 2 Chainz and/or Mr. T.
Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Murray Chass has already filled out his 2017 Cy Young ballot. He’s seen enough!
Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 5 ER in Fenway for that classic Opening Day matchup of the Pirates vs. the Red Sox. I remember the first time I took notice of this classic matchup. It was the 1903 World Series. The Pirates were facing off against the Boston Americans, and the Pirates ended up losing the Series in eight games. This was before people realized it was real hard to guarantee a winner in an eight-game series. Deacon Phillippe won three of the first four games, but then lost the final two of the series before going back to his church and inventing the French Dip sandwich by accidentally dipping a Holy Eucharist into a Jew’s mouth then removing it quickly.
