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*wavy lines* Hey, what’s up, it’s back in March! This is awesome! I did a time travel! No, I don’t want to sell my crypto while it’s still at an all-time high! No, I don’t want to bet on Aaron Judge winning the MVP! I wanna draft Tyler Anderson and Tony Gonsolin and avoid Julio Urias and Walker Buehler. And draft Anderson and Gonsolin in the 2nd and 3rd rounds, just to freak everyone out! *Wavy lines* That was the best dream sequence ever. Surprised Dave Roberts didn’t bring in Clayton Kershaw to finish off the no-hitter. It was, after all, a gazillion pitches thrown by Tyler Anderson (8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.82). Towards the end, it seemed like he wanted the Angels to get a hit just to end his night. I got goose pimples for Tyler, since he could no longer feel his arms. I’m not casting aspersions on Anderson and Gonsolin but I think they both lost the same amount of weight in the preseason, 21 grams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Trea Turner – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and Freddie Freeman stole his 6th bag. Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

Will Smith – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Easy, man, no one said nothing about alopecia.

Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, and four homers in the last four games. On the Baltimore Baseball Club, abbreviated by British TV as, the BBC, there’s one man a step ahead of each pitch, David Tennant stars in Mountcastle. His friends call him, Mount. On BBC 3, this fall.

“Hey, Mount, you happen to see the switch for the lecky? I can’t see a blasted thing.”
“Only my mates call me, Mount.”
“We’re mates. Teammates.” Off Mount’s look, “I’m Adley Rutschman.”
“Oh, I didn’t recognize you with that mask.” What Mountcastle wasn’t saying was he remembers seeing a jockstrap with the name Adley at the last crime scene. Mount this fall! Any hoo ! His Statcast is as good as anyone, outside of Aaron Judge. Top 6-10% for all the categories you want to see, xSLG, xBA, HardHit% and exit velocity. If the Orioles only didn’t move that stupid fence! “When you say ‘fence,’ are you talking about selling stolen property?” Damn, Mount! You got me!

Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st career major league homer. A lucky fan who caught the ball returned it to Matt Wieters.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3), hitting .252. My 2nd round pick doing something? I’m flummoxed, I tell ya! Taken aback! Thesaurus, c’mon, give me another juicy one…Confounded, baby!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. So, this is remarkable, through their first 405 games, Vlad Jr. has 88 homers and a .365 OBP, and Vlad Sr. had 87 homers and a .364 OBP. Vlad Sr. better step up his game!

Matt Chapman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Matt James Chapman murdered that ball.

Corey Knebel – According to adult contemporary singer and songwriter, Rob Thomson, Knebel will start to be used in lower leverage situations. “It’s fine he homered off you, it’s batting practice.” That’s Rob Thomson to Knebel. I grabbed Hand (romantic) and Seranthony Hopkins Dominguez, that order, but it could be reversed.

Jarren Duran – 0-for-4, 1 run as he was called up, and hit leadoff. “Her name was Rio and she was dancing on the…Uh, little help here.” That’s Duran without the other Duran to finish it. Jarren was an immediate pickup for me in multiple leagues. He has 12+ homer power, 40+ steal speed and could hit .280. Will he stay up and play? Haven’t the foggiest.

Josh Winckowski – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. This Red Sox prospect filled in for…well, take your pick. Their entire rotation is on the IL. Let’s say, it’s Eovaldi. Winckowski started The Facebook with Mark Zuckitbig and Itch kinda likes him, saying, “Wink’s command was already good when it leapt late last season, an improvement he’s carried over to 2022 as evidenced by his 0.82 WHIP across 25.2 AAA innings. Also, Grey sucks.” Okay, not cool. In mixed leagues, I’d wait and see.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Saw someone say Devers is in the AL MVP race, and he is. Someone’s gotta come in second, way way back to Aaron Judge. What’s the only way to make Aaron Judge appear small? Be behind him in the AL MVP race.

Alex Verdugo – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Given up on Verdugo hitting for power, or stealing bags, but he should be hitting way higher than his current .251.

Edward Cabrera – Hit the IL with elbow tendinitis. Well, that was a fun ride, then not fun, then really un-fun, then bleh.

Miguel Rojas – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. Crazy that he’s the leader in homers for the MLB’s Rojases — Rojai? Lovely area of California. Lots of dates. Then I got married.

Jon Berti – 2-for-4 and his 13th and 14th steal. Someone at the SAGNOF Museum in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey was asked to put together a highlight reel on Berti, and then they uploaded it to PornHub for fantasy.

Tanner Scott – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.04, and his 1st blown save, letting Garrett Stubbs walk him off. Geez, Stubbs can barely walk-off his succulent BBQ. Anthony Bass (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.08) has been great, but, ya know, that unmustachioed bum, Mattingly, likes Scott, apparently.

Daniel Castano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Was called up to seemingly take Cabrera’s rotation spot. He’s barely startable in NL-Only. It’s coincidental, but appropriate his name has AAA in it.

Josh Hader – Out on paternity leave. Wasn’t he out on paternity leave already this year? Could’ve sworn. It would be hilarious if a player went out on paternity leave, and his wife was like, “Wait a minute, what? I’m not pregnant!”

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Solid bounce back for a guy who’s looked iffy over his last two starts. Bummer. Kidding. It’s all good. I liked when he wasn’t pitching well, but we don’t need to knock people down to make ourselves better. It’s certainly not working with Matt Olson.

Alex Faedo – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.28. Wanna hear a funny? I bet on the Tigers to win the World Series. As I always say, it’s not a gambling problem, if you win.

Seby Zavala – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs  and his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “This homer by Zavala made them ‘wanna holla.'” Someone should check on Elias.

Danny Mendick – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Wonder if he knows Denny Mandick.

Yoan Moncada – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .181. After this game, Statcast had to create a page for Moncada, because these were his first hits of the season. Just thought back to how Moncada said in spring training how he wanted to steal 40 bags this year. Okay, Yawn.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer in his third plate appearance back from the IL. Belt does tend to get hot, so I could say schmotato, but it’s a little early. No wants a premature schmotatoing.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3Ks, ERA at 2.09, as he was activated from the IL. Sonnyvabench! I would’ve started him! If I had known to take him off my IL prior to the game! Sure, I only fielded a dozen questions about him before the game, so you’d think I’d check my own teams. You’d think!

Marco Gonzales – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Was gonna say give Streamonator a peak for Marco, but with his lack of Ks, he’s likely not the kind of guy it’s ever gonna love, which I kinda agree with.

Aroldis Chapman – When Aroldis returns, Aaron Boone says, “(He plans to use) Clay Holmes in high-leverage situations against the toughest parts of the lineup.” What absolute weasel shizz. That’s what you say when you don’t want to upset either pitcher, when the more expensive pitcher is inferior. Holmes should be the closer; we’ll see.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3 and his 25th homer. I know the only way to stop Judge. For me to predict he hits 60 homers, and start counting down. 35 more to go!

Austin Riley – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Mean’s while, Matt Olson was seen signing his autograph on a restraining order to keep me away.

Orlando Arcia – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Spencer Strider – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Love him, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I wonder if he’ll be bunking with Touki Toussaint and Huascar Ynoa in 2024 in the minors, as another random Braves pitcher emerges.

Luis Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Rocky III rocks!

Shane McClanahan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.84 vs. Nestor Cortes – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.94. Watched the majority of these two guys, because, well, they’re AL Cy Young leaders going head to head and the 25th homer by Aaron Judge that went, like, 309 feet has me once again asking, “How does Judge and Giancarlo not hit 60 homers each year?” Oh, and Shane and Nestor looked good too.

Kyle Higashioka – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and third homer in two games. Higashioka’s got his home run stroka.

Jack Flaherty – 3 IP, 2 ER, as he was activated from the IL. I hate to do the Stressbird over/under IP thing with a guy as young as Flaherty, but what are we doing here? Is he remotely healthy? I honestly don’t think so.

Dylan Carlson – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four starts. Methinks he’s back, and metalks like a leprechaun.

Brendan Donovan – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .341. He couldn’t even hit that well in the minors! The Cards, man.

Roansy Contreras – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.06. Just did a check-in on his peripherals, and Roansy looks exactly like you’d expect he’d look — 9.7 K/9, 3.3 BB/9, 3.84 xFIP. Will be kinda interesting to see how far some of these starters can go innings-wise. If he throws more than 110 IP, it seems like a crime punishable by a tribunal of dynasty owners.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .257. He’s having a past month that would prorate out to a 35-homer, .300 season. So, yeah, he’s been back on track.

Amed Rosario – 2-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (1) and legs (6). I always confuse Amed Rosario and Andres Gimenez, and, because of that, we should be able to get both of their stats while carrying one of them. Like Ohtani, but for MIs.

Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .322. Kinda shows you how great Machado was in the 1st two months, because he hasn’t done much in June, and his numbers still look solid.

Luke Voit – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his third homer in four games, 2nd homer in two games, and 1st homer in one game! Wait, that didn’t escalate correctly. He homered off Schwindel, who is becoming the Oprah of giving out homers.

Jorge Alfaro – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .284, and his 2nd homer in as many games. And he’s actually homering off of actual pitchers, if that matters.

Nick Madrigal – Hit the IL with a groin strain. That’s weird, because he doesn’t seem to do dick.

Christopher Morel – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .275. Just gave you a quick video on him over at the Youtube channel. Subscribe, you giant nerds!

Brandon Drury – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Staring out into the ocean as the waves pound against the sand, thinking about how I could’ve had Brandon Rural-Juror for free and, instead, I have Matt Olson all over the place.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.33. If you would’ve told me I’d be getting anywhere near this good of a Luis Castillo, after he went down in the spring, I would’ve told you you’re a liar, and would’ve called you a jerk.

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.91 vs. the Reds. The Reds’ lineup has Nick Senzel, who is one of the ten worst players in the majors, and he’s roughly the third best Reds hitter. And the Streamonator said, “Yeah, dude,” to that info.

Corey Seager – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .224. “Okay, show me again how you hit the down and away ball.” That’s Corey Seager talking to Cody Bellinger before leaving LA.

Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer. Also, in this game, Martin Maldonado (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) homered. Alex Bregman? Did not homer. These three guys have 4, 5 and 6 homers. Any guesses which guy has which total? Ooh, so close! Only off by two names! Bregman has 6, Maldonado has 5, and Yuli…Well, that one you can guess.

Jeremy Pena – Hit the IL with thumb discomfort. If you take Pena from us, it means you have to return Wander Franco. Them’s the rules! “I make the rules! Which is why Nicky Lopez has five RBIs in almost three months. HAHAHAHAHAHA…That rules!” That’s the Fantasy Baseball Overlord.

Luis Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER. 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.41, and threw one of two immaculate innings in the game (other by Phil Maton). The first time there’s been two immaculate innings on the same day, let alone in the same game or the same team. They were both against the same three hitters too! They’re called immaculate innings, because the hitters get nun’d. It’s a term from the 1920s when every team was required to carry a nun. There was no specification where, and some power hitters would carry their team’s nun around the bases on a homer.