Twinkies Act Like A Good Hostess And Let Rangers Cream Them

Rangers bend Ober and brutalized him (4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.40). The once-every-six-weeks trouncing? The every-month-and-a-half frog-marching? The every 45th-day scrub-stomping? Sucks, man! It is very not good at all! Kinda hard to work up a general sense of appeasement when your fantasy team’s being Abu Ghraib’d until it confesses war crimes, and the war crime is OWNING BAILEY OBER! So, onto the Rangers, who split the Twins in half like they’re conjoined and leading the charge was my new favorite, Evan Carter (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam, 4, and legs, 5) who I hated four days ago, but, ya know what? Daddy doesn’t care if a guy is hitting (or pitching) well. Evan Carter’s now hit three homers in the last four games, and added in two steals, and I picked him and and he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but who cares, he’s here now. Remember, Evan Carter was considered as good a prospect as Wyatt Langford (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer) as recently as last preseason. No one thinks that’s still possible, but Evan Carter is still possible. Next up in this drubbing, well, let’s do it on the other side of the: Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adolis Garcia -1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .217, who is now batting 8th and should likely not be playing regularly anymore, while changing his ring name to the Not Very Adorable Adolis.

Jake Burger – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs hit his 10th homer. Since his return on May 12th, he’s hitting .257 with seven homers and 17 RBIs. Let’s go over a few guys you wish were hitting that well without mentioning Yordan Alvarez, who retired from baseball to start grooming Westies. Not doing as well: Matt Chapman (no fair, he’s hurt), Nolan Arenado, Dansby, Josh Jung, Torkelson, Buxton, Volpe, Christian Walker and Ian Happ, to name a few guys just behind him on the 30-day Player Rater.

Sam Haggerty – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Didja know Sam Haggerty, singer of The Bottle Let Me Down and Mama Tried, isn’t officially on the team, but he just showed up at the clubhouse wearing a cowboy hat saying he was a Texas Ranger?

Corey Seager – 0-for-3, as the Rangers scored 16 runs. Ticker tease!

Josh H. Smith – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .279. At some point in the last month, Josh Hoecake Smith convinced me he was better than he was. Just looked him up on the Player Rater, and prior to yesterday’s game he was next to Jake Bird, the Colorado Suckies reliever! Ha, okay, that’s awful. He’s better now, but, and this might sound corny, Hoecake better stop acting like a urinal cake.

Jacob Misiorowski – 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 4 walks, 5 Ks, as he was called up. [long hit of vape] I love him. 102, 101, 100, 102, 101, dude was throwing fastballs like scores I get at bowling! The command is a little wonky, as advertised, and he rolled his ankle to leave the game (seemed okay, but we await word). If his ankle is good, then we are so good. Also, already gave you my Jacob Misiorowski fantasy. It was written with only 17 typos.

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Ja-Chou, sneezing into stardom!

Sonny Gray – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.84. He’s like a lofi Ober. Not quite 4 IP, 7 ER every six weeks, but pretty much: 6 IP 0 ER, 6 IP 0 ER, 6 IP 0 ER, 6 IP 0 ER, 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 IP 0 ER, 6 IP 0 ER, 6 IP 0 ER, 6 IP 0 ER, 4 IP, 6 ER. Just be normal!

Seth Lugo – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.18. This is the guy all Ober and Gray owners need. Just be normal? That’s what Lugo is! No flash, no insane meltdowns.

Will Warren – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Kauffman wasn’t Petco, T-Mobile, Metco or Comerica last year, but it’s squarely become that this year. Bottom three park for all hitting, and dead last in homers by a lot. So, just about anyone starting in Kauffman is interesting.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. Seiya ball!

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. He’s gonna be so incredibly bad on our fantasy teams next year. I’m already bracing myself for the pain. (Somewhat joking, but why do I think I’m not?)

Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks 7 Ks, ERA at 3.33 vs. Jameson Taillon – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.48. This matchup was billed as, “I don’t know why I’m thinking I should look at the Streamonator for both of these guys when they both have ERAs I’d love to have from all my starters.”

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.10. This was vs. the Shite Sux, but Framber’s been Cy-worthy since a bad start on April 14th.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Glad someone on the Astros still believes in hitting for power. Ya know who I’ve been trying to give grace to but is actually a disgrace? Cam Smith. You’re a rookie, ooh, pouty face, you have all your meals prepared for you and you have to stay in five-star hotels, ooh, pouty face again! Hit a homer or two!

Parker Meadows – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Not trying to put too much weight into this new thing that’s happened this week, but why is Meadows hitting 9th? Not a rhetorical! I am really asking. So Jahmai Jones can hit leadoff? Huh? Why? I have a free ride in a submersible for some of these managers.

Dillon Dingler – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. “Here we are with Dillon’s fan club, Dingler’s Dingers.” Pan camera to a bunch of guys dressed as poop emojis, miming poppin’ a squat and wafting it at the pitcher.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.99. Yeah, but he walked two guys. Yuck!

Dylan Carlson – 3-for-3 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Wanna say he doesn’t play every day, not because I know that, but because I really want to hope they’re not starting him every day.

Christian Moore – Being called up by the Angels. Angels were hoping to sign Brian Dozier to play 2nd but he said, “I retired five years ago,” and the Angels said, “Are you sure?” So, Moore is a 22-year-old top prospect, who was drafted last year, which is why he was called up. Angels develop no one and just hope the player learns on the fly. In the minors, he had a 27.3 K% and 27.4% in Double-A, so I hope he can learn on his own, or he’s going to hit .210, and become the 2nd baseman’s answer to the first five years of Jo Adell. He does have huge power (5 HRs in 204 ABs) and surprising speed (8 SBs). That’s enough for me with the dearth of anything nice at 2nd base. I say give him a shot in all leagues to see if he can make enough contact, but don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Hayden Birdsong – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Ya know what’s nice about facing the Suckies if you’re a pitcher, in or out of Coors? It’s not just their hitting that sucks; their pitching sucks too. Getting staked to a huge lead cannot hurt the confidence nor the opportunity for a win. As for Birdsong specifically, he has a 2.79 ER and a 9/5 K/9, 3.5 BB/9 and he’s basically a number three you picked up off waivers.

Randy Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.90. Suckies got their first walk-off win against arguably the best middle reliever this year. Never change, baseball, you wacky-ass sport.

Dominic Smith – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. You think it’s ever weird for the Giants when Bob Melvin tries to replace him. Can’t exactly just blurt out in the dugout you wanna “sub Dom?”

Mickey Moniak – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Do you sing Mickey Moniak to the tune of Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song) or are you normal? Ah, but workin’ too hard can give you a Mickey Moniak (ack-ack-ack-ack-ack)…You oughta know by now.

Michael Soroka – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.14. Occasionally someone will ask about Soroka, and I’ve never been able to figure out why, but, with that said (Grey’s hitting a U-turn), his next start is loved by the Streamonator.

Jeff McNeil – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 4th homer this week. Yes, will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s somehow, against all odds, that’s the chance we gotta take, he’s one of the hottest bats in baseball.

Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .241, and his 3rd homer in two games. Facing garbage pitching has proven satisfactory for Brandon “The Fish” Nimmo.

Kodai Senga – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.47, but he will hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Told you to sell him! [tomato whizzes past head] What? I did! [now it’s tomatoes whizzing; yes, plural, and it’a frenzy, a storm, really] Sorry! Don’t shoot the messenger–[pelted with tomatoes, one after another, he may not recover, him being me in third person]