Funny that Mark Trumbo has a stress fracture in his foot, because I now have a stress fracture in my stress-bearing frontal lobe. “You wanna remember your anniversary with the Cougar or Mark Trumbo’s recovery timetable?” Shut up, frontal lobe, I hate you! I wish you were dead! *wavy lines* Hey, I have no frontal lobe anymore. Cool, I really like this episode of The Big Bang Theory. They are a gang of funny people! I wish Slystevesr Stallone would do more movies. He’s so awesome. Slvester? Why is there a red line under that? Damn, I can’t spell my favorite movie star’s name without my frontal lobe! *wavy lines* Okay, I’m glad I have a frontal lobe, but not glad I have Mark Trumbo on multiple deep league teams. Wah, wah, wah, that’s the sound of my sad Trumbone. This could mean more playing time for Tony Campana — SAGNOF! — or steady playing time for Cody Ross — um, AGNOF!, I guess. Last time Trumbo had a stress fracture — how many stress fractures does this guy have? — he was laid up for close to six months. Yay. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wade Miley – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. 75 career games started, still doesn’t have a complete game. Miley sure doesn’t go the distance. *high-five self* On the fo’really, Miley doesn’t usually profile as a guy that Ks many hitters — around 6.5 K/9 last year — but so far this year he has a 8.5 K/9. His velocity has gone up a tick, he’s thrown the slider a shizzton and has nearly dropped the change from his arsenal completely. This could be small sample size noise, as they say in The Puppetry of the Penis, but I could see looking at him in what the Stream-o-Nator deems a solid next matchup.
Aaron Hill – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer short of the cycle. About to go from Aaron to Zzizzle.
Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, his ERA is at 0.85. Peyton Manning could hit .300 for the Rockies, and I feel like Matt Ryan could throw a 3.00 ERA for the Braves. With everyone so excited about The Harangutan, Jane Goodall is getting jealous. “That ugly SOB is all mine!” That’s Jane screaming at a camera crew that is sitting outside of her house. Harang is fine for the time being, but don’t get too comfortable with him, he will start flinging crap at some point.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks. Now that he’s thrown a clean inning, I’d feel fine with dropping Carpenter and Walden. Not on each other, that would hurt.
Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Allow me to read from my book, You Will Know My Eovaldi. Chapter One, The Challenge to Get People to Pick Him Up. The text: Pick him up! Chapter Two: Reread Chapter One. The text: Reread chapter one! I wonder if I can get Simon & Schuster interested.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-4, hitting .314. Within a week, Furcal will return with tales of what the country was like during our bicentennial and will kick Dietrich out.
Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers. Hitting in Coors is the MLB equivalent of the Make-A-Wish foundation and for the first time Morse was happy he can’t ever stay healthy.
Hector Sanchez – 2-for-6, 5 RBIs and two homers as he started in front of Buster Posey. Guy at the bar, “You see what the catcher for the Giants did today? Two homers!” You, “Posey?!” *looking at box score* Holy sit!
Brandon Hicks – 3-for-6 and his 2nd homer. Guy at the bar, “You see what the Giants 2nd baseman did today?” You, “Um… Marco Scutaro? No, that’s not him. Uh, age of Arias? Wait, I’ll get it. Eugenio Velez? No, that’s wrong. Okay, I give up.” Brandon Hicks has bounced around a ton of organizations because he strikes out about a third of the time, could even push 40% with enough playing time, which will mean he might not hit .200, but he does have some pop and speed. In NL-Only leagues, you can do worse, but only barely.
Jhoulys Chacin – Could return on April 29th. The day of the Mayan apocalypse! Well, the 18th reiteration of the Mayan apocalypse.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs with the slam (5) & legs (6), and he’s top three on our Player Rater with Adam Wainwright and Giancarlo. The NAAWPTSLCP will be so proud. That’s the National Association for the Advancement of White People That Sound Like Colored People.
Justin Morneau – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Now, boys and four girls, the caterpillar is concussed and calling Joe Mauer, Jimbo First Base Baggins. Okay, turn the page. Now we see the caterpillar is hitting in Coors and it’s becoming a butterfly.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. It’s cool if a guy wants to get his walks under control a little bit more, but at the expense of Ks? That’s famardkin bullzija!
Justin Ruggiano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, but was helped off the field after going wildly after a ball. You can’t go north of the wall!
Pedro Strop – Blew a 3-run lead (2 BB, 1 single) with a little help from his friends (Castro error, Russell let both inherited runners score). Here’s the suggested title for the Chicago sports pages, “Strop. Drop. Runs.” If Rondon is out there in your league, I’d look to grab him.
Martin Perez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. He was the first pitcher in my rankings tier, “Come here, Dumpling Face.” Even if this is your first day reading Razzball — hey, noob! Your fly is open! Psyche! How could I know that? I’m standing behind you, whispering this in your ear, not standing in front of you, dur! — you can assume from the tier name, I liked these guys. So, there’s no reason to ask if I like Perez. I’ve been liking him since I wrote the rankings in December/January. Now, of course, his ERA isn’t going to stay at 1.42, but he’s not hiding many red flags. His WHIP is 0.92, his xFIP is 3.37 and his K-rate is 5.45. He’s around a 6 K-rate pitcher with a 3.50 ERA. Still worth owning everywhere, but he’s not the second coming of Sidd Finch.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hey, it’s my boy! Atta boy! I’ve heard some grumblings that Gray is a sell high. Not atta boy? You fishing for derision from Grey with an E? Right now, Gray’s xFIP is 3.23 and his K-rate is 8.72. Circle back and look at Martin Perez’s numbers. Sure, Gray’s WHIP isn’t terrific, and his velocity was down in his first two starts, but now his velocity is back up. Don’t make me come back here!
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers. It’s always fun to see how he’s going to get to 27 homers. If he’ll get there all in six weeks then get injured for four months or if he’ll get to, say, 15 then get hurt for a month, then return for ten homers, then to the DL then come back for two more.
Matt Wieters – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Since I have him on a few teams, I hope this is finally the year he breaks out. Yes, this is all about me.
Chris Davis – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer as he took the lead back from his namelganger, Khris Davis. Only to have Khris make his owners jump-jump and hit a homer about an hour later. Since Chris went in the first round of nearly every draft and Khris went around 200, I’m guessing there’s many people in the Chris camp that hope it’s not a close race all year. To be continued. Or not. Depends on my level of emoji.
Dustin McGowan – 4 IP, 6 ER. Dustin looked fine on the diamond until the 5th inning, then Screech.
Jose Reyes – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Don’t worry, he’ll keep going until he’s hitting at least .300.
Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 10 Ks. Hopefully he doesn’t get bumped from the rotation for Trevor Bauer. Oh, wait, that’s Danny Salazar. Two weeks ago Salazar was the first pitcher to have 10 Ks in 3 2/3 IP, and yesterday Wacha tied him. Jim Evans from Elias Sports Bureau Skype’d Michael Wacha to see his reaction, and Michael Wacha said, “Shut up, dork,” and hung up.
Matt Carpenter – 4-for-5, 1 run. Last year, he would’ve had five runs and six RBIs if he had four hits. Murray Chass blames newfangled baseball stats.
Jon Niese – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Niese credited his start to his regimented training during filming of MTV’s The Grind.
Kyle Farnsworth – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. He’s gonna get worse before someone else takes the job and gets better. Cust kayin’.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. He could hit 20 homers and a .250 average over the course of a season. If that doesn’t sound great, it’s not.
Josh Fields – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save. After the game, Fields said, “They like me. They really like hitting against me.”
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer in as many games. Since I said yesterday he could hit seven homers in seven days, I’ll amend that to six homers in the next six days.
Chris Young – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks. Even more surprising was Dexter Fowler’s caught stealing while Young was on the mound. When Zunino threw the ball to 2nd base, at first the infielders thought they were doing a pop-up drill.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers. Hopefully this will call off the lynch mob in the comments looking to drop Seager like Ice Cube tried to drop Da Lench Mob from his Wikipedia page. “I told you to edit that sh*t! I’m doing family-friendly movies now!”
Taijuan Walker – Will play catch on Monday. Super, maybe he’ll go for ice cream afterwards and tell his fantasy owners about his first crush. Throw in a game already!
Erasmo Ramirez – Mariners might remove him from the rotation. A guy with a 6.75 ERA? Really? Wow, crazy. Next thing you know, they’re gonna have Brandon Maurer start in his place. Oh, they are. Maurer is like Joe Mauer only a pitcher and more Mauer-y. Maurer is around a 7 K-rate guy with pretty iffy control. In AL-Only leagues, you do what you have to, but I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues until he shows something.
Josh Johnson – Will have his 2nd Tommy John surgery. I hope he brought his stamp card with him!
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. Rule number one with a Hodgepadre? Don’t feed them after midnight. Rule number two: Don’t let them out in direct sunlight. Rule number three? Don’t start them in away games.
Jean Segura – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer because he doesn’t want to be batting eighth! Eighth? Really? Can’t they even sneak him into 7th? Oy.
Francisco Rodriguez – 1 IP, 0 ER, 0.00 ERA and his 9th save. Apologies to my wife, but he was the best pick up of my life!
Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Trust me, I’m looking for warning signs, because I haven’t liked him at all in the past and am half expecting him to lohse his shizz, but he looks ownable and startable everywhere right now.
Alfredo Simon – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. If you pick him up, at some point he will kill you and not just in the double-homicide-but-I-was-taking-my-Persian-cat-to-get-its-shots-so-I-have-an-alibi type way.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals. They call him Bruce with the Kung Fu Hustle!
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4 and another homer. Down to only needing one more for April? Well, in that case, let’s up it, because I don’t want him to stop on my account. How about three more?
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. If The Emoticon is a mainstay in the Tigers rotation, I’d definitely own him. I don’t 100% feel like that is the case though, and wouldn’t be surprised to see him in the bullpen within the month.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. The Grande Dolor! In related news, Frank Thomas has hired one of the best copyright attorneys in Chicago.
Chris Colabello – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. The power of Chris compels you (to pick him up)! The power of Chris compels you (to pick him up)! The power of Chris compels you (to pick him up)!
Jake Odorizzi – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER. If Cobb, Moore and Hellickson weren’t all injured, Odorizzi wouldn’t even be in the rotation anymore. That does not mean you need to leave him in your fantasy rotation.
Ryan Zimmerman – Is still unable to grip a bat, but did some running in a pool. Hopefully it’s the pool from Cocoon.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal as he bats .293. No foolin’, you should own Espinosa if he’s available in your league. I don’t know if the Ghost of Wee Willie Keeler inhabited his body, but he looks like a much better hitter than last time we saw him last year. I highly doubt it was the Ghost of Wee Willie Keeler though, since the modern human’s salt intake is so much higher now, it’s really hard for a ghost to possess someone in those conditions.
Jose Lobaton – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Strangely enough, he goes by the nickname J. Lo and he sings about Louboutins.
Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. If you took away his name and just looked at his line, you’d think he was just any random schmohawk who had a fair game. And he kinda is.
Ernesto Frieri – 1/3 IP, 4 ER and the blown save (as if it’s not obvious). Is it me or does he give up a homer to the first batter he faces in every game? (It’s not me.) Frieri is such straight garbage. The Sciosciapath isn’t dealing with a high-priced free agent that the club just got. I really see no reason why he doesn’t go to Joe Smith. I’ve picked up Captain Joe Smith like I was Pocahontas in heat in every league where I could.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Now he can save your season! Or pitch about as well as Dallas Keuchel. I’m kinda, kinda. Obviously a healthy Hamels is better on your team than not. Now you have DL room for Trumbo.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. He’s had some cushy matchups to start the year, but he’s pfft’ing all the concerns I had for him in the preseason. His Ks are back in a big way and he’s gone back to his slider that he nearly abandoned last year. He looks like a top five pitcher right now, and gets the Twins next time out, so double your pleasure if you own him.
Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Far from a “Hey, he’s back!”-type start, but also not a “God, get him off my team”-type start either. Basically, Masterson gives you no idea how he’s going to pitch on any given day. Fun times!
Michael Brantley – 1-for-3 and his 4th steal. Brantley filmed a half-hour special on ESPN called “The Decision” about which fantasy team he wanted to play for this year and he chose mine. Thanks, Mike!
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and 2nd in as many games. Right now, Mostsuckass could make a tossed salad taste good!
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer of the year. His abuelita was sitting on a cloud above the stadium yesterday with Fatty Arbuckle and Babe Ruth. Salvador was not the only one getting lucky.
Daniel Nava – Optioned to the minors since Victorino is set to return. So, that leaves the outfield at Sizemore, JBJ, Victorino and Gomes, who is more of a llama until he gets over that hump. When the Sawx face lefties, Sizemore should sit with Victorino in line for everyday at-bats while healthy. The ‘while healthy’ is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom.
John Lackey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks. He got Teixeira three times, Soriano twice, Jeter once, Beltran once, Mantle once– Oh, wait, this wasn’t Old Timer’s Day.
Michael Pineda – Ejected for using a foreign substance. Razzball Exclusive! Here’s what Pineda was watching the night before in his hotel room: