At the same time the Red Sox signed Trevor Story, the Yankees signed Marwin Gonzalez. The oneupmanship between these two teams is just so hard to keep up with! Will cover Marwin in a few, but in some ways the Yankees replaced Luke Voit and Gary Sanchez all in one full swoop. Ya know, a guy who doesn’t play like Voit, while also being a guy not one fan is happy with like Sanchez. Mean’s while, the Red Sox went out and added Trevor Story to play 2nd base, and my mouth fell open and I started drooling when I saw the Expected Homers by Story if he called Fenway his home park last year. This stat is in general an absolute goof that you shouldn’t pay too much attention to, but I’ve never seen someone with such a huge difference before between actual and expected homers. He had 19 expected homers in Coors last year (actually hit 24) and his expected homers in Fenway was 38 homers. That is comical. Last year, Story hit 35.5% to center and 27.3% to right. That’s a decent amount the other way (32nd in the majors) and little above average to center. In Fenway, you want to badonkadonk off the wall as many times as you can. Not so you can scare people on Lansdowne, or at least not only that reason. You wanna hit doodie shots off the wall for the doodie doubles. Like a PETA-sanctioned vet, Story has pulled more balls previously, so maybe he returns to that, but he’s been getting beat by fastballs, not exactly turning on them. Why does this sound negative? Because I think people’s first reaction is to think Story just got much better, but as Rudy’s hitter projections show, this was a pretty neutral move from Coors. Not bad, but things didn’t get much better. That extra eligibility doesn’t hurt though. Well, it doesn’t hurt Story. Where my Jarren Duran truthers at? You need a hug? Updated were my shortstops rankingstop 100 for 2022 fantasy baseball and top 500 for 2022 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this preseason for 2022 fantasy baseball:

Travis Shaw – Signed by the Sawx. The Red Sox said in a statement, “We read a 2019 Travis Shaw sleeper post from Razzball’s Grey Albright where he predicted an MVP for Travis Shaw, and that kind of potential isn’t often found.”

Nick Castellanos – Signed with the Phils. So, the real question now, what unfortunate event is Castellanos going to homer during in Philly? Oh, no, Castellanos is going to homer during the untimely death of the Philly Phanatic, isn’t he? RIP Phanatic — you brought attention to Graves Disease and hypertrichosis in such a jovial way that forced people to confront it during rain delays and excessive pitching changes. Your humor and hijinks were everything to the city of Brotherly Love, and you embraced capitalism, unlike your socialist friend, Gritty. May your soul travel to mascot heaven where it belongs. So, Castellanos looks good in red, huh? He’s about to thump. The Greek God of Hard Contact goes to the home of hard contact from strangers with batteries, and any worries I might’ve had his fly ball rate was falling too low are assuaged by the stadium. He’s been updated in the top 20 outfielders.

Carlos Correa – Signed by the Twins. Or as I like to call them, the Minnesota Sorta-Going-For-Its. The Minnesota Sorta-Going-For-Its have a sorta contending team and are sorta going for it. A spokesman for the team said, “Yeah, you could say, we’re sorta going for it.” Ya know what else is sorta good? Rudy’s hitter projections for Carlos Correa. For whatever reason, projections always seem to love Correa. He did drop his strikeouts last year in a big way, so maybe he holds gains on average — .280 vs. .260. He did hit for decent power with a HR/FB% that wasn’t exorbitant. I get the projections like him, and why. I, how’sever, are always left feeling meh with him. I did move him up in my shortstops rankings though, because I looked at it like this, “Would I really draft Tatis right now over him?” And the answer there is no. Also, Jose Miranda was taken back down in the 3B rankings. Sigh, my sweet, sweet Miranda. Finally, it has done me well to cross my fingers and toes that Jeremy Peña will be the Astros shortstop. Anyone know a quick-and-easy way to uncross arthritic fingers and toes? By the by, it’s gonna be cool when we get to the postseason with the Twins and Rangers. “It’s October 27th. Game 7 of the ALCS. Loser go home. Winner goes to the World Series. It’s the Texas Rangers vs. Minnesota Twins, and everyone is tuned in to What What Happens! for the The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City reunion.”

Kenley Jansen – Signed with the Braves. This was a kick in the SAGNUTS for me because I was taking shots late with Will Smith like I was his personal valet that Jada doesn’t know about. Also, was almost completely out on Blake Treinen, because I thought the Dodgers were absolutely gonna bring back Jansen. Major bummer all around for yours truly. FML, and not for Fantasy Master Lothario, in this scenario. Bullpen Chart has been updated, and my top 500.

Phil Gosselin – Signed with the Braves. May I suggest he go by Gosse Gosselin? Just to piss off Gossage.

Luke Voit – Traded to the Padres. Or if any nerds are reading, “Luke, I am your Padre.”

Crazy that the Yankees aka The Evil Empire ended up sending Luke to his Padre. Poetic even. Or maybe I don’t know what poetic is. That latter theory feels more accurate. You might’ve heard this trade from the Padres fans screaming, “Please say Hosmer is going the other way!” Nope, he didn’t but he was lowered in my 1st basemen rankings, and Luke Voit was raised, and I drafted him almost immediately after the news, so cha and ching.

Michael Pineda – Signed with the Tigers. He looks like he’s eaten a tiger. Have you seen this guy lately? He showed up in shape. The shape of a circle. Beginning to think he’s really taken the piñata nickname to heart and he’s filled himself with candy. He was updated in the top 100 starters.

Marwin Gonzalez – Signed with the Yanks. Kinda crazy the Yankees became a small market team this offseason.

Ryan Tepera – Signed with the Angels. Batters love this! Rice flour, all-purpose, panko…You name the batter, and Tepera is your guy! He was updated in the top 500 for 2022 fantasy baseball with assumption he’ll be setting up Raisel.

Archie Bradley – Signed with the Angels. Every morning there’s a Halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend’s four-post bed, because she was an Angels fan and hung up her cap when their offseason moves were just getting middle relievers.

Jorge Soler – Signed by the Marlins. Pit bull approves of this signing. Not the Miami-based rapper, I went to a pit bull in my neighborhood and said, “Jorge Soler to the Marlins,” and he barked. So, ya know, that’s his approval. Soler could hit the ball out of any park, so not worried about this hurting his power, but his average has been on decline and not showing much sign of a bounce back. This should be a solid landing spot for him though, much like Aguilar before him, because why wouldn’t they play Soler every day? He was updated in the top 60 outfielders.

Colin Moran – Signed with the Reds to be a lefty bench bat-slash-DH-slash-collect-aluminum-cans-to-get-the-nickels-in-the-Reds-Get-The-Nickels-campaign-to-pay-their-players.

Jose Barrero – Broken hamate bone in his left hand and will miss six weeks. Good news is he’ll come back like Babe Ruth and will very likely be the best hitter in baseball for the final four and half months. Is this believable at all? No? That’s fine, I only have to convince myself. So, lowered him way down in my shortstop rankings, and now I want to die. He might be removed completely after he visits a hand specialist.

Lucas Sims – Won’t be ready for Opening Day, but is not injured. Ah, yeah, one of those non-injury setbacks. Very common. That’s what that Daniel Day Lewis movie was about, right? Phantom injuries need phantom stitches so you use phantom thread. Bullpen chart was updated.

Jonathan Villar – Signed with the Cubs. Villar and Brad Miller should start their own team, the Prospblocks. Just go around and play directly in front of prospects. Villar could’ve went to Korea and been an MVP, but instead he’ll platoon with Madrigal and Hoerner, and maybe Frazier, and kill all four of their values. Villar and Hoerner were updated in the 2nd basemen rankings.

Mychal Givens – Signed with the Cubs. Bizarre offseason the Cubs are having. Like they forgot they blew up their entire team last year, or like someone urinated on all their scouting reports and are like:

“Um, yeah, that guy is good.”
“Which guy?”
“Yeah, that guy sounds good!”

So, Givens becomes the Cubs’ third closer. *doing rough math* …divide 70 wins by three closers, subtract five blown saves, four games where Seiya hits a 3-run homer in the 8th making it no longer a save opp, and two games when he should’ve closed but was trapped under a slice of Chicago pizza…Mychal Givens is gonna get 12 saves! He’s been added to the top 500 for 2022 fantasy baseball.

Drew Smyly – Signed with the Cubs. The North Side of Chicago hasn’t seen a Smyly so wide since Sammy Sosa. Is that something? How about this, Smyly is not how fans are during Drew’s starts? Harsh, but more accurate? Yeah. He’s been updated in the top 100 starters.

Carter Kieboom – Out with a flexor mass strain. Weird flexor but okay. I haven’t moved Kieboom down yet in my rankings because I don’t know his timetable yet and I can’t move him much further down without just deleting him.

Luis Urias – Out for a minimum of two weeks with a quad injury. Long, rueful sigh. Don’t want to even discuss this, I’m disgusted. Not now, B. Fire! I’m not in the mood for your fire rhymes! Moved Urias down in my 2nd basemen rankings.

Adley Rutschman – Out for three weeks with a triceps injury. I was a little laggard in moving him in my catchers rankings. What happened was, I saw Adley had a triceps injury, then I forgot about it, and now I remembered. Interesting, right?

Danny Duffy – Signed with the Dodgers. Between Duffy, Clayton Kershaw, Tony Gonsolin, David Price and Andrew Heaney, the Dodgers have 34% of a 5th starter.

Tyler Anderson – Signed by the Dodgers. Make that 67% of a 5th starter. He was updated in the top 100 starters. Also, sad news, Tony Gonsolin got lowered, and removed from my pitchers’ pairings tool. Stupid Dodgers signed fifteen fifth starters, and Gonsolin is my favorite, but it’s too crowded to get excited about him beyond deep leagues.

Matthew Boyd – Signed with the Giants. After obliterating the narrative, “Comerica is a pitchers’ park,” Boyd sets his eyes on Oracle Park.

Jack Flaherty – Received a PRP injection in his torn right shoulder and won’t throw for two weeks. That shoulder might levy a short season for Flaherty. Little SCTV pun candy for ya. So, I was avoiding Flaherty before, now I’m close to removing him from my rankings altogether. For now, he was moved down to the top 60 starters, but the next step is hitting him with some Rankings B. Gone spray. I wasn’t drafting him before, and absolutely not now.

Corey Dickerson – Signed with the Cardinals. That’s surprising, the Cardinals’ DH options were Paul DeJong, Peanuts Vendor for the 3rd base boxes, and a local guy who described Willie McGee’s face as interesting. So, for this year, Corey Dickerson can put up stats like…*looks at his last year where he hit six homers and stole six bags*…Say, can that Peanuts Vendor hit lefties?