Bryce Harper and Mike Trout were called up by their respective clubs this weekend. When Bryce left Syracuse for his first major league game, the grand opening of the “Eye Black Isn’t Just For The Ultimate Warrior And Owls” store turned into a Going Out of Business sale. When Mike Trout left Salt Lake for the Angels, Bobby Abreu’s three year Going Out of Business sale came to an abrupt end. Bobby, “I still have some seven-pitch walks to sell!” With Trout and Harper called up, the minor leagues were closed. There’s no more minor leagues. In his major league debut, Harper looked like all that and a bag of douche. Who over the age of twelve flips their helmet off when they’re running? Wait, is he over the age of twelve? Definitely more auspicious of a debut than Trout’s (or is that inauspicious?). (NSFWUYWAAPPH (Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production House): In case you didn’t see it, Harper roped a double to deep center while someone behind home plate dropped their pants. (Here’s Bryce Harper’s first major league hit in motion.) I can’t wait to go to Cooperstown in 25 years and see Bryce Harper’s 1st major league hit. The curator showing a group of middle school kids, “Here’s the film of Babe Ruth calling his shot and here’s Bryce Harper with a booty call.” In 50 years, Bryce Harper showing his granddaughter, “There’s your PawPaw getting his first major league hit.” “PawPaw, are you the one with your ass showing?” “No, sweetheart, that’s how fans celebrated baseball players when I played. A great time to be alive.”) Mike Trout, nor the fans behind him, flashed anything. Whatevs, I like him better for this year. I went over my Mike Trout fantasy back in November and it mostly still applies. Only thing I’d change is how many ABs I gave him there. There I gave him 55/7/30/.270/20 in 300 ABs. Give him 400 ABs and his stats move to 70/10/40/.275/25. Basically what you were hoping to get from Bourjos. That’s giddy up, the un-sarcastic excitement. As for Bryce Harper, I like him a lot and he’s worth grabbing. But he’s also worth trading if you can in redraft leagues. He hasn’t really pounded minor league pitching since last July. There were guys on his own minor league roster that were out-performing him. He’s going to be a great one; I’ll give him that. I just don’t think once Morse and/or Zimmerman return he’s even going to stay in the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath replaced Walden after one blown save. If only he was as reactionary with over 35-year-old outfielders. Here’s a scenario: Downs gets five straight saves and Walden scuffles in a set-up role because his confidence is fractured after being removed from the closer role that quickly. In that scenario, Downs stays the closer for a few months, maybe the rest of the season. Another scenario: Downs blows a game and Walden’s back in there after a week. More succinctly, you need to hold both guys. Even more succinctly, hold both. Personally, I don’t think Sciosciapath’s move is a long-term cure for Scott Downs’ Syndrome.
Peter Bourjos – Didn’t play for the Angels yesterday because of Mike Trout. Bourjos also didn’t play on my fantasy team, because I cut him immediately when I saw he was losing time to Trout. Later, schmohawk! Thanks for the month of the .167 average and 1 homer and 1 steal! Wish I would’ve known your last name was French for “Bore the crap of youse.”
Albert Pujols – For the first time in his career, Pujols is one day away from having his first homerless month. Like how Roger Maris’s family followed around McGwire in ’98, Juan Pierre’s family will be following around Pujols.
Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Easily his worst start of the year. Uh-oh, Mr. April may be done. Hehe. That’s punny!
Josh Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff back, which is less embarrassing than a stiff front.
Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates. Not a tough matchup, but I wouldn’t mind Hudson as a 5th fantasy starter on a team. He usually keeps his ratios in check and does decent with Ks — or simply oK.
Jay Bruce – 4 homers in 4 straight games with yesterday’s being a slam & legs. BRUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU = Excitement for Red Square. Damn, was supposed to equal excitement for Reds outfielder, Jay Bruce. Think I forgot to carry a U.
Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (0 Walks), 4 Ks vs. the Asstros. Latos seems like a guy who asks you at the bar, “Did you say something to me?” like he’s picking a fight even if you didn’t say anything to him. Not much to like about his ERA so far either (5.97). I still want to remain patient with him. He will get better.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yankees. The Emoticon just had a most impressive start on Saturday and has his ERA down for the count of 1.23. Last week when I said to grab him, it was a bit of a “What the hey, pick him up” waiver wire acquisition. Now, it’s more of a “What the hey, seriously, pick him up.” His LOB% is a bit of an eephus that’s about to get smacked, but his K-rate should prevent him from falling too hard.
David Phelps – Will take over for Freddy Garcia in the rotation. A terrible starter being replaced by a middling middle reliever. Phelps looks like he might have a 4-ish ERA and a 7-ish K-rate. Wouldn’t even be news if it was for any team other than the Yankees. Maybe the Yankees can exact some revenge and trade David Phelps to the Mariners for the rights to Jay Buhner Jr.
Robinson Cano – Batting third for the Yankees for the first month and has 4 RBIs. Chris Davis got 4 RBIs on Saturday. The number nine hitter for the Orioles, Andino, has 6 RBIs. I will now put on a gorilla suit and mail myself to Africa.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks. I heard Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend song on the radio, and I immediately thought of Anibal. No lie. It’s not gay since his name’s Anibal. It’s gay that I was listening to Bieber.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 1st home run. Is it bad I actually had to look at three different sites to make sure I was seeing right that he hit a home run? Yeah, probably. Now hit nine more tomorrow and we’ll be so cool again. I’ll even massage your sore knee with my tongue. What, it’s the strongest muscle!
Josh Johnson – 5 1/3IP, 5 ER. Obviously got tired of that reputation that he could only pitch well when he was healthy.
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-3; Jose Reyes – 0-for-3, as they both bat .205 on the year. Maybe move both of them to 2nd base and let Omar Infante play shortstop and 3rd base. I’m thinking of creative solutions; don’t kill the messenger.
Max Scherzer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks… Why was he pulled so early? Oh, 14 baserunners in less than 5 innings. Wow. It’s nearly mathematical impossible to have 14 baserunners, only record 14 outs and only allow 3 earned runs. I hate to give up on him and drop him to waivers, but I’d want to see at least one good start on my bench before starting him in any league.
Matt Thornton – Got the save yesterday. My over/under for Santiago losing the job was the end of April. Not too shabby. Yeah, I do think Thornton takes over, at least that’s what I’ve been writing on this site that you are reading, but as of right now Ventura is still saying Santiago’s the closer. We shall see. Or not! Your choice.
Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks as he took a no hitter into the 7th vs. the Red Sox. But the Red Sox have Nick Punto, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Sweeney, Mike Aviles, Cody Ross and Kelly Shoppach in their lineup! Somehow the Red Sox have been able to bamboozle fantasy owners into thinking they’re good, even though Sweeney, Aviles, Shoppach, Byrd, Ross and Punto are all guys coming from other teams where they were marginal starters. Right now, the Red Sox lineup looks like cemetery of fallen fantasy value.
Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you Google “resurgence,” you’re going to find five articles about Jake Peavy and five about al-Qaeda. Of those ten articles, 2 mention selling Peavy, 3 mention buying him and 10 mention injuries.
Edwin Encarnacion – Three games in a row with a homer and capped this three-peat (trademark Pat Riley) with a slam & legs yesterday. I’m really happy for all his owners. I’m not bitter at all. I’ll probably get Edwin’s as-of-right-now stats (7 homers, 4 steals) from Ryan Zimmerman by August. The RZ: Brand new from Toyota. Flashy exterior and tons of hype, then, as soon as you drive it off the lot, you regret the purchase and it breaks down for 5 months.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal as he sits on 3 homers for the year while Omar Infante struts around like Buddy Love.
Kenley Jansen – Got two saves this weekend. Mattingly’s saying some shizz about Guerra needing a rest. I’ll say Mattingly needs to give that a rest. Mattingly seems like the type that can’t admit he was wrong (or so says his Rip Torn-ish looking, mugshot-taking ex-wife), so he may pull one of these deals where he never says Jansen is now the closer, but Jansen just starts getting saves until it’s obvious he’s the closer.
Chris Capuano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. What’s this the longest post ever? Maronna mia! Yeah, I’d pick up Capuano. Solid Ks in a good pitchers’ park.
Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s pitching above his head right now. Well, he’s not a sidearmer. Cute, Random Italicized Voice. I mean, he can’t keep this up. That’s what she said! What? Miley has NL-Only appeal for now, but I’d be careful in mixed leagues.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3 with a steal. You know who Parra is playing like right now? A guy that is getting a chance to play and wants to prove himself, i.e., he’s building a wall of stats to fend off any other Diamondback options, a *pinkie to mouth* Parra-pet.
Patrick Corbin – He was the pitcher the Diamondbacks called up for Monday’s start, relegating Collmenter to shoveling crap out of the bullpen. “Hey, Shaw, will you stop pooping on the bullpen mound?” “Why, we got Collmenter now.” That was overheard in the D-Backs bullpen this weekend. Corbin had a solid K/BB and could surprise some major league hitters. The downside is he’s 15 years old (22) and probably is just a placeholder for Bauer or Skaggs. BTW, Bauer and Skaggs opened for Big & Rich. Their big song, “Save a Morse, Ride a LaRoche.”
Dexter Fowler – At four homers, he has 2 more homers than steals. Fowler also weighs the same as one of Stanton’s thighs. Cust killin’ myself.
Frank Francisco – Blew the save yesterday as the closepocalypse sweeps through the Mets. Jesse Orsoco’s house fell on top of Frank Francisco’s legs and Ram-Ram got the save. I don’t think a change of closer is imminent here, but that’s more because the Mets’ other options haven’t been great and my brain can only compute 17 closer changes per roundup. Overload! Overload! Red alert! Let me off the closerousel!
Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks cutting his ERA to about half what it was two weeks ago. Sure, this game was against the Padres, who had one good hitter coming into this year and he’s now batting under .200 and in the 7th hole and his name rhymes with Maynotbeasgoodasyouthoughtbin, but I’m guessing it’s too late to buy low on Lincecum.
Wilson Betemit – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games as he played third and made Reynolds’ excuse, “It’s not me, it’s 3rd base,” look bad.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 10 Ks. You can’t spell Garza without Rza, so you know he got The W with no help from Ol’ Dirty Barney.
Grant Balfour – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd blown save, Matt Capps just gives up runs for S’s and G’s and, while they might not be in the same team, Carlos Marmol seems to be picking up whatever it is that Collmenter is shoveling. I don’t think any of them are in serious danger of losing their closer jobs (this week). All three teams are going nowhere fast and they’d be better served to get to the trading deadline with a closer to trade.
Brandon Inge – About to sign with the A’s. That’ll fix the A’s! Goodbye, cellar! There’s gotta be a Moneyball sequel with the little white kid from The Blind Side playing Inge and Don Swayze playing Billy Beane.
Bartolo Colon – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Remarkable turnaround of his career continues since his fat and bone marrow stem cell surgery. At what point does Bartolo Colon surgery become as prevalent as Tommy John surgery? It doesn’t seem like you need an injury to get the surgery either. Get the surgery and you’re just good. The doctor who did the surgery is out of Boca Raton, the old Jew shuffleboard capital of the world. Soon we’re gonna have Ira Shlomowitz and Harvey Edelbaum, once legendary mah-jong players, throwing 95 MPH, and asking the home plate ump if they can go to their mouth, not because it’s cold, but because they need to adjust their dentures. Having their choice of teams to sign with, Ira says, “I think I’m gonna pitch for the Mariners. Seattle has great herring.”
