Mike Trout hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Okay, I said it would happen after his 12th homer, and he has 17, so sue me for my Franklin Mint Civil War pewter chess set. It’s a family heirloom, you monsters! But take it! Leave me my Simpsons pewter chess board! Don’t take my Ned Flanders bishop pewter chess piece! You animal! So, filling in for Trout is Christian Moore (1-for-4), who was recalled to join the Angels in SacTown and Moore was like, “Wait, isn’t this the minors? Am I getting goofed on? I’d say Punk’d but no one my age knows what Punk’d means. See, I’m only 23.” He was tearing up Triple-A in 195 ABs (252 PAs). 9/10/.333 with a 19.4 BB% and 21.4 K%, which are insane numbers, but the Angels’ Triple-A plays in the PCL, which is like hitting on the moon with helium bats. I could see a flyer in any deeper mixed league for power and speed, and seeing if his minor-league numbers can translate, otherwise monocle in shallower. Like the monocle on my Kommandant Wilhelm Klink pewter chess piece in my Hogan’s Heroes set. I collect pewter chess pieces, so what! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gage Jump – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Should’ve been the lede, but I just gave you a Gage Jump fantasy not that long ago, it’s not my fault that you didn’t know who he was when I did it the first time. The gist of it, “Gage spots his 96 MPH fastball well, i.e., Jump ‘n flash got gas gas gas. He also had command up until this year, and lost it a bit. With 13.3 K/9 and 4.7 BB/9 this year in 38 IP in Triple-A, it highlights the good and the bad. He might be prone to roofies in Bing Bong with that command, but I could see trying him in any league.” And that’s me quoting me! As I’ve also said before, I don’t tell you to try everyone in any league. They have to be worth it. Jump is worth it.
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. My doctor told me to drink more water to avoid kidney stones, and I was like I do, and Cougs was like, “No, you drink seltzer,” and I can’t convince her that’s water. Please help.
Shea Langeliers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Thank you, Bangeliers, may I have another!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .279. I stared directly into the sun and it wasn’t this bright. Daddy, are the sunspots that are burned onto my retinae from Vlad Jr.’s homers? They’re so bright that I fear I won’t be able to see anything ever again. What a glorious thing to behold. Even if it’s the last thing I ever see. Thank you, Vlad Jr., for replacing my vision with your homers.
Nathan Lukes – 1-for-4, and his 2nd homer, hitting .313. You ever walk with a hot dog in your hand behind someone named Nathan, and say to anyone passing, “Nathan’s,” then when Nathan turns you say, “Not you,” or is it just me?
Trey Yesavage – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Hope this million-dollar idea works out, I bought a lot of steins to sell outside the stadium the next time we get a Nats vs. Jays matchup. You heard of the Vedder Cup? This is the Yesavage/Mead Stein.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Embarrassing snafu happened after the game. Gray was taking reporters’ questions in a Dodgers’ cap. You have to get traded first, man, c’mon.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 1-for-3, and his 2nd homer, hitting .277. Israeli Diner Falafel is made of chickpea same as R. Kelly’s federal charges.
Caleb Durbin – 1-for-3, and his 4th homer, hitting .192. Want a good laugh? Durbin has a 14 K%. Do you know how many 46 MPH grounders to 2nd base you have to hit to make that much contact and hit .192? [shudders]
Jack Leiter – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.29. Going through Jack Leiter’s garbage outside his home, and grabbing a lid of yogurt that he licked, then sitting behind Al Leiter on a domestic flight, and plucking a hair from his head. Now, I’m sending in my ‘evidence’ to Ancestry dot com to see if Jack was adopted.
Wyatt Langford – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. You know how each team has a home run celebration in the dugout after a roundtripper? Rangers have Wyatt looking at MRI scans of his oblique and quad. It’s fun, I like it.
Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Is on four of five years of being awesome, and seems to never be included when someone is like, “Who’s awesome?” Joe Ryan is awesome! The War Room knows.
Brooks Lee – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .238. He has 12 homers. I feel like I need to say that again. Brooks Lee has 12 homers. Feel like a little kid on his first hit of nitrous. Brooks Lee has 12 homers!
Trevor Larnach – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Hot schmotato alert! Should be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but isn’t because he’s here now!
Bryan Woo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.94. And now will become a four-inning pitcher following Bryce Miller or opening for Gilbert or some nonsense. I don’t think youse realize how bad this is going to be for fantasy value. I’m so annoyed. These guys should be top 20 starters, and the M’s are treating them like they’re Chad Patrick.
Shane Baz – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.04. O’s must be on a West Coast swing, because the Streamonator has him going to the House That Bobby Grich Built next. I don’t mind that start.
Colson Montgomery – 2-for-3, and his 20th homer, 3rd homer in two games, fourth homer in four games, and, if you drafted Colson over Tatis, people would’ve thought you had marbles in your head, and not just regular marbles, but ones that were lopsided so they didn’t roll right and they’d be like, “Hey, are you from Marblehead?” and you’d be doing better right now.
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-1, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .242, and 2nd homer in three games, third homer this week, and won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now.
Sean Burke – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Not bad for the Hot Ones host. Burke followed an Opener, and I ain’t mad at it, if he’s doing that in Yankee Stadium. Though, this isn’t your very slightly older cousin’s Yankees. Since Judge has been out, even Ben Rice is Has Ben. Any hoo! Burke’s sitting at 9 K/9, 3.2 BB/9, and four above-average pitches.
Ryan Weathers – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Three excellent pitches and one pretty awful fastball. Yes, because I was looking at Burke’s pitches, I looked at Weathers’s too.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Left the game after fouling a ball into his groin. You heard of Jazz hands? Well, he’s got Jazz beans!
Ryan McMahon – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .211. Think I mentioned this before, but if anyone has less fantasy value than McMahon, they should be auto-retired for at least a year. “Hey, thanks for playing baseball, but you can’t anymore. Sorry,” runs finger down list to find name of the person they’re talking to, and continues, “Ezequiel Tovar. You can apply for reenlistment into baseball next year.”
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .294. That’s the joys de Witt with the Ropers.
Jac Caglianone – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .266, four homers in June, and hitting over .350. Looks like he plays better when he’s the only Italian in the spotlight. He would’ve been great as Joey Tribbiani.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .207. Doesn’t go by Sal P. to avoid confusing Caglianone. “He’s Venezuelan, Jac, don’t stop taking swings in the Cage-lianone.”
Noah Cameron – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Royals jumped out to a huge lead and Cameron cruised out to the Côte d’Ivictorie for a free night at the W.
Juan Soto – 2-for-4 and two homers (16, 17), hitting .300. Sexy Dr. Pepper is not hitting better just because Lindor is out. They don’t have friction. Stop making something that doesn’t exist a real thing by saying it. Wait, it’s not a thing, right?
Adolis Garcia – Out for the season after undergoing surgery on his latissimus dorsi. Oh snap, Adolis is a dolphin.
Travis Bazzana – 1-for-3, and his 5th homer, hitting .250. Went looking at the Player Rater to see if Bazzana has been better than I expected, but then I figured that was unfair because he hasn’t been up all year so I went to the 30-day Player Rater, and that wasn’t a great showing for him either.
David Fry – 1-for-2, and his 4th homer, hitting .230. Problem with me recapping the day’s games is I see something like, “David Fry just hit his 4th homer,” and it really zaps the excitement of Vlad Jr.’s 4th homer.
Kyle Manzardo – 1-for-3, and his 8th homer, hitting .237. Because I was looking at the Player Rater for Bazzana, I peeped at Manzardo and he’s been even worse. Guardians are the best team of making a lot with very little.
Parker Messick – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Messick is pitching well, and I bet he can get better. Guardians are not bad with their pitchers, but check this out in the next blurb. Yes, I’m doing the patented set-up blurb — the setuplurb!
Shane Drohan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.40. Brewers’ pitching coaches in a top hat with a magic wand standing on stage, “For our next trick, we will turn Shane Dolran–What’s his name? Drohan. Right him. We’re turning Jan Drohan–Shane? Okay, whatever his name is! We’re turning him into a number three starter.” Related, I saw recently Joel Kuhnel was averaging 94 MPH on his fastball *until* he was traded to the Brewers. Now he’s averaging 99.6 MPH. I’m not joking. We need to investigate the Brewers.
