The 12th Annual Razzballies

Officially, this is the 11.5th Razzballie ceremony, and our first socially distanced one. *looks out at the cardboard cutout audience* I see some familiar faces out there. There’s the cutout that sells me car wax at Pep Boys. Good to see you! Figure you’d like some recycled jokes, since you’re all made of biodegradable material. *eerie silence* Okay, moving on. I’ll be your host for the ceremony after A-Rod backed out. Turns out he couldn’t host, he’s just a parasite! It’s all right he’s a no-show, you can’t spell ghosting without host. You also can’t spell hostage, but no one is forcing you to stay for the award show. You’re going to want to, though, because without these awards, you’ll have no idea who was the best and worst hitters and pitchers in this absurdly abbreviated year, and you’ll be left giving out your own awards and no one cares if your “Low sodium tomato soup in a sourdough bowl” won your “Whitest Lunch Of All-Time” award. Stop making up fake awards! Leave that to me. Anyway, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of fantasy baseball:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Before we announce our first winner, I just want to introduce the accountants from Kipnis, Tellez and Zimmermann. Stop giving them the evil eye, German Marquez! Your AL MVP this year is — drumroll please…OH EM GEE! It’s a tie! Jose Ramirez and Jose Abreu! *one masked janitor shakes a cardboard cutout to simulate clapping and the cutout falls over* Great! What excitement! Anyone that knows anything about the Player Rater (how the awards are, uh, awarded) knows that it takes a pretty massive year from a player to do this well without any speed, i.e., a guy like, say, Jo-Jo-Ram can hit some homers, steal some bases and hit for a good, but not great average, and do well on the Player Rater because he’s filling five categories. This is why I also believe if the season lasted 162 games, Jose Abreu would’ve struggled to stay in 1st for the AL MVP, because someone who stole 25 bags and hit homers *cough* Jose Ramirez *cough* would’ve overtaken him, but congrats to Abreu and Jo-Jo-Ram. Anything you want to say, guys? Jose Abreu leans into the microphone, “I am better than Frank Thomas. Yo soy El Grande Dolor.” Oh, snap! Jo-Jo-Ram leans and says, “Same.” What?

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – The NL Fantasy MVP, like the AL one, doesn’t take into account team wins and “intangibles.” Nope, here at Razzball HQ, we look at tangibles! And those aren’t fungible! This is commonsensible. Uh-oh, I’m stick in an ‘ible loop, what can I do? Listen to the Bible on Audible? What’s this in my pocket? A rookie card of Oddibe McDowell? Okay, I’m done. The winner is… This was a tight race between teammates Manny Machado and Fun the Jewels, and NL West’er Mookie Best — imagine if Machado had another 100 games to lose interest, he would’ve ended up around the 150th best player. But, sneaking it out, on the final day of the season, was the one and only Trea Turner! He didn’t steal bases like he’s been known to, and, with MLB not testing for PEDs this year, who’s to say where the power came from, but Treat Urner gave us multiple treats. Thank you for your treat giving, Treat!

Fantasy AL Cy Young – Wanna talk about how terrible pitching was to draft early this year? Shane Bieber isn’t just your top pitcher, it’s not close, and the difference between him and the 2nd best starter is the same difference between Rafael Devers and David Peralta. Anyone who tells you that you have to draft a top pitcher, honestly, doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Not much around it. Only thing I’ll hear in regards to top pitchers sucking this season is this was a weird year, and that, honestly, I’m not hearing either.

Fantasy NL Cy Young – This came down to the final week of the season between Yu Darvish and Trevor Bauer, and to dab the Abdullah the Butcher cut on my forehead with salt, Liam Hendricks was about as valuable as the top two starters in the NL. Hopefully we have some idea whether or not there will be a DH in the NL at the start of the 2021 season. My guess is it’s here to stay, since it helps hitters get more money in arbitration. Any hoo! Yu won! Sorry, you might want to take this off text-to-speech. You didn’t win anything. Yu Darvish did.

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – An incredible, first-time-only, four-way tie between Jose Altuve/Alex Bregman/Aaron Judge/Giancarlo Stanton! Way to not go, guys! That is a crapfecta of garbage that was a non-stop Train to Busan to hell. You’re all zombies, or no? Because, I’ll be honest, you seem like zombies. All four of them would’ve done us a great favor by opting out in July and not even bothering. Isan Diaz or Jose Altuve? I’m taking Isan Diaz, and I think the Astros would’ve too, when you consider defense. How about Giancarlo and Judge? They’re like two giant motorcycles without kickstands. Try to leave them standing upright for a second. Go ahead and walk away for a moment. *both come crashing down*

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – This was going to be a joint award to Pete Alonso and Ketel Marte, because all year I’ve wanted to smoke a joint forgetting I drafted both of these schmohawks on literally every team. What was I thinking? Am I dumb or did I just think I was staying at a Holiday Inn Express in the preseason, but a large truck moved revealing it was a Holiday Inn Expressionless and that’s why the guy at the front desk refused to smile? Like to see that Holiday Inn Expressionless innkeeper now, if he also owned Albombso and Ketel Marte. Try not to frown, you jerkoff! However, in the final weekend, Alonso moved himself into the top 100 overall, and can’t be considered totally useless. Ketel though? Oh, yeah, I’m drinking.

Most Valuable Player Based On Draft Price – When I go over all the position recaps, I’ll talk more about this, but there wasn’t a ton of shocking surprises in the very top of the “they got pops.” Since it was a 60-game season, I was expecting more guys out of nowhere. For absolutely shocking there was Adam Duvall, but in most leagues he wasn’t even drafted, so saying he was great based on draft price is silly. You didn’t own him in July. You might not have owned him in August. Nope, there was one guy who was a complete afterthought, but was drafted. Just barely, when all other ‘better’ options were taken. The one guy this year who got hot out of the gate and never cooled off, the guy who wasn’t even guaranteed playing time to start the year, the one, the only–Award audience, “Open the damn envelope already!” The winner is Luke Voit. Last year, this award went to another New York 1st baseman, Pete Alonso, which is a shorthand way of saying I’m never drafting Luke Voit in 2021. I kid. Or do I?

Fantasy POS – Because Least Valuable Player doesn’t do one man justice. One man who ruined us due to an illegal use of trust. A guy who is still swinging at a fastball and knocking it weakly to 2nd base.  The one and only (thankfully)…Kris Bryant. It’s actually kinda of amazing how awful his season stats are: 20/4/11/.206/0 in 131 ABs. Madison Bumgarner had better seasons as a hitter in less at-bats.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – “Hmm, Dylan Moore seems to be hitting, maybe I should grab him…I’m grabbing Dylan Moore!  Wow, this guy is amazing!…Is this a breakout? Holy crap, he’s so amazing! Hmm, he seems to have cooled off, goodbye, Dylan Moore…Hello, Moore!…Goodbye…Hello…Goodbye…Hello…I’m in a waiver wire time loop!…Someone help me! Is this Dark on Netflix? Why am I so confused? I want Moore–Gah, no I don’t!”

Player You Had Forever and Most Likely Should’ve Dropped – This year Mike Moustakas was a Moistasskiss of death.

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Kole Calhoun. This year Kole Calhoun was about as valuable as Devers, Chazz Noir and George Springer. Actually, he was better than all three of those guys.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – “Okay, I’m going to give a Whirlybird Streamer Streamstein to Dane Dunning, but if he’s bad, I’m losing him so fast it’s gonna hurt him.” And that’s the story of how you ended owning Dame Dane Dunning for two months. (Only for that trust to backfire in the worst of ways in the last week. Thanks, Dame Dane!)

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – “I’m fine, fine, fine, fine — FINE! — with Wil Myers as my 5th outfielder, but if someone else appears, he’s outta here so fast I don’t have time to think of something that would be outta here faster.” Then Myers marched to a top 30 overall season, and said nay to the naysayers and yay to the yaysayers.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – “What’s that, 12 straight innings now? Josh Hader may be a lot of things, but I believe he really is a pitcher who won’t allow a hit or run all year.” *two weeks later* “I might’ve been drinking too much Haderade.”

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – This is a legit goofy year (two months?) for this award, but Brandon Lowe wasn’t quite as good as his August, but he had ten homers going into September, so, yeah, he wasn’t a sixty homer hitter (10 HRs/month prorated over a usual six-month season — “Did someone say prorating?” Not now, Mr. Prorater!), but Lowe was still decent in September.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – “That was a fun month of July for Manny Machado, but he can’t possibly keep this up, so I’m selling him for Cody Bellinger, which seems more than fair! See ya later, Machado! Hello, Cody!”

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted –  “Greyus Albristo! Listen to this, I can get Austin Meadows for Manny Machado. I have to do this, right? Rhetorical! Of course, I do!”

Top SAGNOF – Brandon Kintzler/Dylan Moore – Remember, the essence of SAGNOF is cheap saves and steals. No one came close to cheapness on saves than Brandon Kintzler and Ryan Pressly, who wasn’t even the closer for the Astros when the season began, and ended up about as valuable as Josh Hader. Kintzler, however, edged him out in other categories, and took home the top SAGNOF award, which is all what we would’ve predicted back in March. Honorable honorable mention: Trevor Rosenthal. For steals on the SAGNOF tip, Mondesi and Trevor Story were great for steals, but they were not cheap. Jonathan Villar was great for steals, but not cheap and hideous in every other category. Dylan Moore, how’sever, was as free as every person who’s ever been inspired by New Hampshire’s license plate to ditch electricity and move into a log cabin.

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Matthew Boyd. May Boyd accidentally have a tub of mayonnaise dropped on him, then get caught in an elevator with Pablo Sandoval.