After the first two homer-game, I was like, “Yo, Grey, stop twirling your mustache and trying to squeeze into your Z. Cavariccis from high school and check out Travis Shaw.”  And I did.  Only, I wasn’t that impressed.  He had five homers in 77 games in Triple-A.  Then, a week or so later, he had his 2nd two-homer game and I was like, “Yo, Sir Hairlip-A-Lot, those Zubaz look awful on you, and maybe you look at Shaw’s numbers again.”  And I did.  His ‘big’ year in Double-A saw him hit 16 homers with a .221 average and again I came away yawnstipated; must be he’s showing some Maas appeal.  Then, yesterday, he went 4-for-4 with two runs and is hitting .371 in 22 games, and I was like, “Yo, Fantasy Master Lothario, just let Cougs clean out your closet for you and really delve into Shaw’s numbers!”  No, I don’t know what delve means but it sounds smart when I’m talking to myself.  I’ve said it before, but Shaw feels exactly like a Maas appeal-type player.  I bet after September he never even plays regularly on the Sawx again.  But now suddenly you’re worried about the future?  You weren’t when you were writing to the National Institute of Health about having nacho cheese classified as a vegetable.  Get a 401K and grab Shaw until he stops hitting.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psych!  Before we get into today’s post, just wanted to briefly mention that our fantasy football leagues are signing up.  Finally, a reason to be excited about drafting Ian Desmond, you have more time to study up for your fantasy football drafts!  Anyway II, the roundup:

Brock Holt – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and hitting near-.400 in the last week.  He went colder than a witch’s teat, but now he’s hotter than that same witch’s teat watching Eddie Munster comb his hair while wearing a Speedo.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.48.  Meh, he does have these starts where he looks unhittable, but he’s still way too prone to roofie’ing owners and I like my kidneys where they are.

Trevor Bauer – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Yesterday, I said something absurd like Fenway doesn’t scare me for opposing pitchers, and I was taken to task.  Task, I tell ya!  As well I should’ve been.  I’m going to claim temporary insanity.  Fenway is a terrible park for all pitchers, whether the Red Sox win or lose 11-9 games is on their pitching.  None of this is to say Bauer would fare better in a different park, but when you’re wrong, you’re wrong.  So, mea culpa.  Hey, at least I didn’t say Chicago could use a hurricane!

Chase Utley – 2-for-5, 1 run.  Phils GM, Ruin Tomorrow Jr., said he’s unlikely to trade Utley.  He continued, “I even offered to throw in the naming rights for this bridge I bought.  They tell me I have to name it after someone named Brooklyn, though.  Seems unfair since I own it now.”

Maikel Franco – Hit the 15-day DL with a non-displaced fracture on his left wrist, and his season is likely over.  The good news for Prospect Mike is he had some extra plaster of paris laying around.  The bad news is he has to lower it into the 17-foot deep pit in his living room where he’s keeping Maikel and convince him to use it as a cast.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-3 and his 11th Frenchy fly.  That’s as good as it baguettes!

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.41.  On one hand, he’s had some tough matchups.  On the other hand, he’s not going to go deeper than the sixth inning often on a lousy Phillies team.  On a third hand that’s really a foot wearing a mitten, he does have a decent next matchup.

Marcus Stroman – Will throw a simulated game next Monday.  Here’s hoping that wearing that Oculus Rift doesn’t throw off his mechanics.

Michael Saunders – Shut down for the year.  Do I hear 2016 sleeper?!  Not from me you won’t.  In The Greyily News, you’ll find his obit, because he’s dead to me.

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer.  Wait, I just have to make sure…*closes browser, clears cache, restarts Chrome*  Hmm, it’s the same.  Oh, it was just F5!

Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer.  Imagine I have a pencil-thin mustache and my name is Senor Gris on a telenovela.  I point to my heart and to Edwin, then say, “Cortisone.”

Mark Teixeira – Not expected to need a DL stint after tests were done on his right shin.  What kind of tests can one take on a curved surface like a shin?  Do they use pen?  A marker?  Does he have to put his shin on the teacher’s desk for her to grade it?  I got questions, y’all!

Bryan Mitchell – Placed on the 7-day concussion DL, after suffering a nasal fracture off a comebacker.  Sounds like an injury that Jon Niese would be prone to.

Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer, a grand slam.  I’ve noticed that Yankee fans seem to have fully embraced A-Rod again, which I suppose isn’t that surprising.  Morals are for losers or Twins fans.

Glen Perkins – Flying back to Minnesota to have an MRI on his neck, because we all know New York’s hospitals have no MRI machines.  When a team sends a player back home to have an MRI that’s code for DL.  Meet Kevin Jepsen.  And his boy, Elroy.  I’d grab Jepsen in all leagues where you’re hurting for saves, he could be the closer for the next few weeks.

Miguel Sano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 4th homer this week.  Say you, Sano, say it for always…Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.  Okay, yesterday’s Sano vs. Schwarber was a little divided, but Sano seemed to win another round.  Now taking down Cano and Schwarber.  Next up:  who do you want next year, Sano or Adam Jones?

Josh Hamilton – Sitting out again with a sore knee and hopes to return on Thursday.  You know there’s an issue when it would be easier to just list the amount of times he’s actually in the lineup.

Will VenableRangers acquired him.  Rangers are making moves like they want their fans to think they’re in the race, but not big enough moves to actually be in the race.  Unless their rotation has Chi Chi Gonzalez (6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25) lead them down the back nine.

Rougned Odor – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer.  I wish he’d show some of that 30-steal speed.  “And your final wish is granted!”  No, genie!  I was speaking in general!  That’s not my final wish!

Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Oh well, at least Johnny Vander Meer’s family were able to get an ol’ 96er while in Texas.

Seth Smith – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  The Lisper’s Nightmare has one thing to say after hitting a homer, “Thuper!”

Jason Hammel – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Damn, this game went into a 2+ hour rain delay and I thought maybe my Hammel start would have a little SerendiPPDy.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Even after he hit two homers  this past Friday, it didn’t get him everyday playing time.  Ya Maddon, bro?

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Because it was a day that ended in -day.

Anthony Gose – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (19).  He’s batting below .200 in the last week, so you can hope there’s a schmotato with your Gose, but it’s too early to say.

Ian Kinsler – 5-for-5, 3 runs and his 7th homer.  Little late for a star mitzvah, but it’s nice he’s showing signs of l’chaim.

Jose Iglesias – 4-for-5, 1 run.  Joe Church!

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer.  Just Dong Martinez because Just Do-it Martinez would yield a cease and desist.

Robert Stephenson – Top pitching prospect was shut down with a forearm strain.  *wavy lines*  Hey, it’s the year 2017.  Any boo, as our ghost overlords asked me to say, Stephenson looks like he’s on his way back from major surgery. *wavy lines*  Yeah, a forearm strain doesn’t sound good, and neither do ghost overlords.

Raisel Iglesias – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.21, but in the month of August his ERA is 2.10 thru four starts.  Raisel the roof!  His peripherals aren’t egregious either (8.7 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 3.66 xFIP).  The Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and I’m willing to check Raisel the bettor.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-6 and his 8th homer.  I’m starting to think this guy might’ve snuck through the minors without any fanfare because he doesn’t do anything exceptional offensively, but I can cherrypick a decent shortstop from his minor league numbers.  21 steals one year, 8 homers in only 57 games in Triple-A.  He’s more of a .250 hitter than his current .293 average, but 14 homers from a shortstop with some speed could back himself into a poor man’s Dozier.  I will call him Coinzier.

Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-5 and two steals (23, 24).  Cain…Sugar! is going to have a 15-homer, 30-steal season and when I rank him as a top 20 outfielder next year you’re gonna be like, “Whaaaaat?”

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, the game-tying homer off Aroldis.  Zobrist’s Christian singer wife wrote a song in honor, it’s called, “There’s Only One Good Chap, Man:  God (With Jesus A Close Second).”

Omar Infante – Scratched with back tightness.  I would’ve recommended a trip to Chinatown to get a back scratcher.

David Phelps – Done for the year with a stress fracture in his forearm.  Sometimes guys try to force a forearm into a threearm or a fivearm into a forearm, and this is what happens.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 runs.  The other day Ichiro passed Ty Cobb for the all-time hit record if you combine US and Japan hit totals.  So, he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer in the US/Japanese museum along with Cheap Trick.

Jason Rogers – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  Hmm, I know Jason Robards, I know Mr. Rogers, I know “no Roger, no Rerun, no rent,” but I don’t know Jason Rogers.

Melvin Upton Jr. – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer.  For a moment, it was like we got a glimpse of the best B.J. we’d ever seen.  That sounds like a greeting card at the Hustler store.

Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Where was this when I was streaming you in Coors?  Thanks a lot, doode!

Starling Marte – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 14th homer.  He’s been a large part of my teams this year, and, for that, I’m making that corny hand gesture in the shape of a heart that middle-aged women seemed to have co-opted.  Speaking of our teams, check out Tout Wars standings, as Randy Jackson would’ve said, “We got ourselves a live one!”

Francisco Cervelli – 4-for-7, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .307.  After Hundley was traded to the Rockies, his average shot up 50 points.  Imagine if Cervelli were traded to the Rockies, he’d be a .350 hitter.  I’m only half joking.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 3.35.  He still seems to have these flaky starts like he’s a rookie.  It’s time to grow up and be dependable!   Yes, I am Liriano’s father.

Jung-ho Kang – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 10th homer.    You ever want to put peanut butter in Kang’s head and toss it to your dog?  No?  Maybe it’s just me.

Aaron Hill – 3-for-7, 3 runs.  Fun fact!  One time Aaron was on the same plane as LL Cool J and someone came onto the plane, saying, “Hi, LL,” and Aaron said, “It’s pronounced Hill.”

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There was some debate yesterday about why the Stream-o-Nator didn’t like Gausman vs. the Mets.  I speculated it was due to him going against Jacob deGrom (7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks) which would limit Gausman’s win possibility.  SON predicted this line for Gausman:  6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  An extra baserunner and one less strikeout?  What a crock!

Gerardo Parra – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and his third homer in the last four games.  There’s the zone, there’s the thirty-mile zone, and then there’s the zone Parra’s in.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 and his 21st and 22nd homers.   I’d say if Granderson had hit cleanup all year, he’d be approaching 80 RBIs, but I’ll cut the Mets some slack here like a tailor for grandmothers, because I honestly have no idea who else would hit leadoff.

Felix Doubront – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (6 BBs), 8 Ks.  Yeah, that’s about as bad as a one-hitter through six innings can look.

Mark Canha – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, and a home run on Monday night.  Hot schmotato alert!

Yasiel Puig – Left yesterday’s game with a leg injury after hustling down the line.  Now he hustles.  Great.  He’s like Hanley Jr.   But at least Hanley had eight good years before he started pulling this crap, hamstrings specifically.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks in Coors.  This makes me so excited about Stressbird’s start coming up in Coors.

Yunel Escobar -m 3-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .305.  Very respectable season for Yunel this year.  But respectable doesn’t butter the biscuits, respectable doesn’t walk the dog, respectable doesn’t phone your mom and ask her to clean your underwear.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as Anthony Rendon sat out in the first game in Coors, because forbid the Nats give Rendon a chance to get hot.  Incredible.

John Axford – Walt Weiss said Axford is returning to the closer role.  When asked why he was returning a guy with a 9.75 ERA since the All-Star break to the closer role, Weiss screamed, “Look, a plane!” and ran out of the room.  It was even more curious because Weiss pointed to a ceiling fan when he said it.  Of course, Tommy Kahnle (1/3 IP, 4 ER) looks hideous too.

Carlos Gonzalez – Hit his 28th homer then left the game with knee inflammation.  Well, you guys had a good run, and now he can’t run anymore.

Kyle Parker – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  I grabbed him for the batty call yesterday, because Kyle Parker can’t lose!

Jose Reyes – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer.  I’d love to see him in Coors next year from a fantasy perspective, because I bet he’ll be underrated.  And this sounds like someone who calls in to a sports radio show without an idea of what they’re going to say.  Okay, thanks for calling, Grey!

Kaleb Cowart – 0-for-3 as he was called up by the Angels.  Anything to make sure Cron doesn’t have a starting job, right, Scioscia?  Cowart was once a top draft pick (2010) where he had 1st round hitting and pitching abilities.  A herbathrowdite straight from the nectar of Keith Law’s bosom.  Sadly, Cowart became a Kaleb of all trades, master of none, since he hit so little in the minors, the Angels were beginning to think he might be better off pitching.  Even Kyle Kubitza jumped him in the depth charts, and Kubitza is more known for his ability to chat.  Cowart will see time at 3rd base, but he’s not an advisable add outside of AL-Only leagues.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, but still obviously trails the almighty Pujols (1-for-4) who hit his 33rd homer.  Of course, what would a Calhound be that didn’t trail a Pujols?

Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.50.  He’s lost nearly a full mile off his fastball, and with it nearly two Ks off his K/9 from last year.  In other words, he’s not much better than what you’ve been getting from him this year.

Hunter Pence – The Gangly Manbird hit the DL with oblique issues.  Too much flapping and not enough stretching.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Okay, sure, Vogelsong, and even sometimes I sing in key.

Lance Lynn – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks.  This comes after a 2/3 IP, 3 ER start where he couldn’t find the strike zone either.  I have a sinking feeling that the Cards are going to say in a few weeks that Lynn has been dealing with a dead arm.  You’ve sunk my championship!

Jason Heyward – Wasn’t in the Cardinals starting lineup after experiencing a tight hamstring on Monday.  He thinks it’ll be fine after a little rest, saying he’s experienced similar tightness before on muggy nights in St. Louis.  Easy, Darren Wilson, just the weather was muggy.

Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.02.  His peripherals aren’t screaming out that he’s this good, but, besides Matt Moore, I never bet against the Rays turning pitchers into something worthwhile.

Curt Casali – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer.  It won’t be long before he has more homers than Longoria.  I’d laugh if I weren’t crying.

George Springer – Has begun to take dry swings.  That’s like a dry drunk with an N.