Put on my Dale Murphy jersey, placed my Jimmy Carter coaster under my glass bottle Classic Coke, said five “Jane Fondas” as I threw a dart dead-center into my Ted Turner dartboard. I was locked into the A-T-L, and you could tell because I was asking everyone to call me Grey 3000 while singing apologies to Ms. Jackson. That was how I tucked in for a little afternoon baseball to watch everyone’s favorite mustachioed man, Spencer Strider, and I came away completely flabber and/or gasted by. Dot dot dot. Chris Bassitt??? I was not expecting that. I was expecting to see pure magic from Strider and, instead, I was like, “When did Chris Bassitt become an ace?” So, Spencer Strider (5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks) looked great with a caveat. Thy Caveat Presents: He looked great for a guy returning from serious surgery. He could not control his pitches at all. After I saw him, I’m reminded of how different the minors and Spring Training are compared to MLB regular season. Where minor leaguers be swinging, guys even like Alan Roden were laying off. Strider was wild up, wild out, and seemingly unable to control his offspeed stuff. Oh, he still looked great! But he is not the best starter in baseball immediately upon return. On the other hand, Chris Bassitt (5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.77) was unhittable. He looked like what I was expecting from Strider. Crazy thing is his velocity is way down, but the deception is working because his command is exemplary. Not sure how it continues unless he’s shaved a full walk off his BB/9 from his career, but right now there’s some serious dawg in Bassitt. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Drake Baldwin – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .216. Say, Drake, I hear you like where that ball flung.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .292. A Cake Batter home run!!! [me and a dozen reporters run into a row of telephone booths and it falls over]
Brandon Sproat – Might be called up later in the week if Griffin’s no Canning do. It sounds like a spot start at best, so there’s no reason to pick him up in any leagues, outside of a Streamonator call. If he were up for good, I’d be seeded up and Sproat’d.
Jonah Bride – Acquired by the Twins. Think that makes Jonah a mail-order Bride.
Matthew Boyd – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.01 vs. Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.57. This matchup was billed as, “These guys have a 2.01 and 1.57 ERA respectively and disrespectively I have Framber freakin’ Valdez sloppy shizz slopping up my shizz!” For what it’s Wuertz, Boyd’s peripherals have come down to earth, and Pivetta’s still look elite. Still early, but Boyd’s looking like a Sell and Pivetta a Buy.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in four games. I’d say three-Pete, but Pat Riley trademarked it.
Kris Bryant – Expected to return from his degenerative disc disease after a minimum stint. Maybe he can bring back compact discs too.
Michael Toglia – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, we could just put extra suntan lotion on his body, leave him in the sun and he’ll decay in like under two weeks–Hold on! He moved! Toglia is alive!”
Bobby Miller – 3 IP, 6 ER as he was called up. His transformation from top prospect to worst pitcher in baseball will be studied by future generations. You’d think they’d have better things to do.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Can’t believe how big a fall-off this guy’s having this year. He’s on pace for only 44 homers and 41 steals. Geez!
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3, and his 3rd homer. He’s actually doing better than I expected, and still will have no chance of returning draft day value.
Clarke Schmidt – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was activated from the IL. Was fine if you took a wait-and-see approach on this 1st start, and on his next if you want. Schmidt is rosterable in all leagues though, so no reason to act rash after one start.
Aaron Judge – 3-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .409. Not putting the Ted Williams Frozen Head in the Microwave just yet, but I am checking my tracker to see where I left it last year.
Kris Bubic – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.88. Not to freak you out, and this might be more of a sign as to how early it is, but Bubic has top 20-type peripherals.
Gavin Williams – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.58. Man, this guy stinks.
Gabriel Arias – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .288. He’ll be in tomorrow afternoon’s Buy column, which is already available on the Patreon.
Jackson Holliday – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. The grand slam he hit was after a 0-for-17 stretch, and he platoons. I will repeat it for emphasis, Jackson Holliday, the #1 pick in all of baseball, platoons with Jorge Mateo.
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Ryan O’Hearn (2-for-3) hit his 2nd homer. The fact that the O’s have insane prospects and they’re starting some of these guys makes me want to have my head checked. O’s are possibly the worst run franchise. Not of right now, but ever. They’re gonna waste everyone’s prime and have one Wild Card run to show for it.
Josh Naylor – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Rock that baby, baby!
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .156. First time I’m seeing he’s hitting a buck-Lawrence Taylor, and I have him in my RCL league. My point: It’s early and you just gotta let your guys have a moment.
Pavin Smith – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .386. Here’s the thing with Pavin, let the manholes breathe! Wait, that’s wrong. The thing is he looks perfectly fine on waivers, and will bore you on your team.
Tim Tawa – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he bats 9th. You know what I’d like to see just once? A prospect get called up and hit above guys who the manager already knows suck. Alek Thomas might be a lovely chap, but he can hit 9th. Is Tawa good? Prolly not, but we don’t know for sure yet. We know about Alek Thomas.
Brandon Pfaadt – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.02. It’s early, I say for the one billionth time, but Pfaadt has a sub-7 K/9. Um, okay.
Matt Mervis – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Drives Mervis into a Hezbollah death camp in Syria, and I turn to Mervis. He’s ice cold, not even blinking. He turns to me and says, “Never nervous.”
Max Meyer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.63. So, I just looked at Pfaadt’s player page and now Meyer, and Meyer looks much better. Still early (though, seconds later than it was just “still early” earlier).
Paul DeJong – Hit the IL with a broken nose. Colonel Mustard, in the bathroom, with tissues in his nose!
Mitchell Parker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.85. Welp, time to look at his player page. Welp! I’m back and it looks terrible.
Bailey Falter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.91. This was a Parker/Falter matchup and both guys should be curbed.
Oneil Cruz – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .222. Can’t believe I don’t have him in any leagues this year. I should’ve kept drafting until I took him somewhere. A rare fail by Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).
Henry Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Again, what I said to Tawa. Maybe Davis isn’t great, but we don’t know how awful Enmanuel Valdez is?
Edgar Quero – Being called up by the White Sox. I tried to be excited about this news, but everything the White Sox touch turns to mush. Itch’s said, “Quero came over in 2023 with Ky Bush in the Lucas Giolito deal, a major boon for Chicago. A switch-hitter at 5’10” 210 lbs, he slashed .280/.366/.463 with 16 home runs in 98 games across two levels. He struck out just 70 times and drew 39 walks. On the big league side, Korey Lee struck out 31 percent the time, walked at a four percent clip and produced a 64 wRC+, which isn’t necessarily disqualifying for a rookie backstop on baseball’s worst team but doesn’t make him much of a hindrance to Quero’s ascendance. May his rise be as quick as Grey’s fall.” Okay, c’mon! Quero had one homer and hit .333 in only 51 ABs this year in AAA, and looks like a 15-team mixed or deeper pickup for catcher hoping for lightning.
Osvaldo Bido – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 2.61. I like Osvaldo a little Bido, but zero Ks vs. the White Sox is like opening the fridge and something smells and you’re not sure what it is. Wait, I know what it is, it’s the no freakin’ Ks!
Aaron Nola – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.65. Wow, he’s sucking now and not even because he gave up homers. Nola’s gonna be pitching long relief after they call up Painter.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Now he’s homering just when he thinks about his kids.
Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.19. You ever watch a game with your starter, then turn it off to a game where you don’t have either pitcher? Yeah, of course you do. That was me around the 4th inning of Ray’s start. The 1st was a massacre, then the 4th, oh boy, that was the cherry on the shizz sundae. I know your pants are tight, but when I watch you, I don’t want to see actual crap.
Jose Soriano – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 hits, 2 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Meh, but his first meh, and one can’t judge anyone based on their first meh. May his second meh be a long time from now. Or then we’re judging.
Cal Raleigh – 2-for-5, and his 6th and 7th homer. I love this big-assed catcher, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I am going to howl at the moon (pun noted) when he’s taken in the top 50 overall next year.
Bryce Miller – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.43. His General Soreness faced off with the Reds’ General Lack Of Hitting, and Soreness won.
Zack Littell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.48. Hey, sorry, man, but, like, I already moved on. So, Streamonator liked this one, and hates his next, and that sounds about right.
Yordan Alvarez – Homered on Tuesday, he’s a .500 hitter vs. Matz, and they sat him, but not sat him as he’s a DH, so he just needs to sit on the bench and get up four times in the game and hit. No, he didn’t play on Wednesday. I hate MLB managers.
Ronel Blanco – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 6.48. He was cruising early, looked like another no-hitter incoming, then the wheels came off, and I’m thinking we shouldn’t have, as a society, embraced the Astros. It’s bad karma. Except Wesneski, we likeski.
Steven Matz – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.16. Matz finally figured out the perfect gameplan: Throw garbage, but have the opposing team’s best hitter out of the lineup.
Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .284. Lars hit that faar!
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .273. So, there’s good news and bad news. Good news is he’s hitting the ball incredibly hard, over 40% Hard Hit, which is up from 24.4% last year (which is absurdly awful). He has a slightly high HR/FB, but not goofy high. The bad news is he’s striking out a lot. It’s a bit early on the Ks, but he looks like a 32-homer, .235 hitter. The realistic news: That’s up from last year, and not completely unusable, but not a crazy breakout.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. He is so steady always! He is NAILS! Lenny Dykstra is suing him he’s so NAILS! He’s so steady, guess what he’s hitting. Go ahead, guess! Bzzt, wrongo. He’s hitting .172. I know it’s early, but Christian Yeouch.
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jose Quintana – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.71. Next March, we should all put our collective heads together, and come up with a dozen or so starters to grab in deep leagues, who aren’t worth rostering in shallower leagues. You think I’m joking, but I’m talking about Jo-Quin. In shallower leagues, he’s a Streamonator, but in deeper leagues, he’s glorious.
Sal Frelick – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Because it was an early game I had time to do a bit more research on random doodes and Frelick had a 20.8 Hard Hit%, and that made me cackle so long a white van showed up at my house with a team of nurses sent to put me in a strait-jacket. A 20.8 Hard Hit%? Is he swinging with a pool noodle? Is it another kind of noodle? Hey, Sal, stop swinging a cooked linguini at the ball.
