As Jeff Probst once said, “Turnabout is Johnny Fairplay,” which was his mashup of Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart line, “Turn around, bright eyes,” which was co-opted by a children’s toy commercial with, “Turn around, Rainbow Brite eyes,” which was Elmore Leonard’s original name for a pedophile, which he changed to short eyes, and short people have big reason to smile, unless they’re not wearing shoes and, yesterday, Matt Shoemaker threw a one-hitter into the 8th inning. *takes a breath, bows, exits like Tommy from this season of MasterChef* And scene! So, Shoemaker returned from the minors yesterday and did exactly what we’d hoped from him since March — 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks. He will remain in the rotation, but I wouldn’t indiscriminately add him in all leagues. I would give him a shot in his next start in Oakland, and go one start at a time from there. While you’re wearing the kid gloves for Shoemaker, hopefully you don’t accidentally Like an Instagram post from two years ago by someone you once dated that you’re now stalking. Been there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Freese – Expected to be activated early next week. A’la bad Schwarzenegger puns, “Sounds like Mr. Freese is starting to thaw.”
Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Score that one for Team Jacob!
Adrian Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game with a bruised knee. He seemed dejected like he had a bruised kneego.
Yasiel Puig – Left yesterday’s game after re-injuring his hamstring. You’d think a guy by the name of Puig would know how to handle hamstrings. I think next year I’m going to rank everyone, then wrap bacon around a dart and throw it at my rankings and that’s where Puig will go. As long as it’s after the top 100.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. He has a 1.61 ERA as he heads into September. When your ERA is near the legal BAC for Alaskans (Hey, what else you doing there? This also explains voting for Palin.), you’re having a pretttttay, pretttttay good year.
Anthony DeSclafani – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Wasn’t Laverne’s, from Laverne & Shirley, last name DeSclafani? Sorry, my advertisers say I need to skew more millennial. Wasn’t the secretary on Moonlighting named Ms. DeSclafani? What, there’s reruns? As for DeSclafani’s fantasy value, well, it’s been a dream of a season, and he’s still not very good.
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Yovani Gallardo 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks in Arlington as JB, our fantasy basketball editor and Brewers fan, sang, “All my exes threw in Texas.”
Ben Revere – 3-for-4 and his 25th steal. For those curious, no, there was absolutely no offense during the day yesterday in any game. As for Revere, he’s hitting over .400 in the last week. Don’t love that he’s been relegated to the bottom of the lineup and he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you’re need some SAGNOF, I’m not hatin’, I’m liberatin’.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Frequent commenter, Mrs. Featherbottom said of yesterday’s White Sox uniforms, “In the immortal words of Hawk Harrelson, it’s a, ‘He Gown!'”
Adam Eaton – 3-for-3, 3 runs. Eaton equals runs, says the man with IBS.
Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Oh, man, imagine The Big FraGu ever faces DeSclafani. The world will explode. Millennials have no idea what I’m talking about. The Big FraGu has been kinda hot (.350-ish in the last week and two homers eight games ago), but he’s more of a platoon player.
Fernando Rodney – Acquired by the Cubs. Random prediction alert! Somehow, some way, Rodney will be this year’s Bartman. Whether it’s a 2-2 game in the 14th inning and Billy Hatcher comes up or if it’s just a 5-4 game in the 7th that becomes a 12-4 game. Something will happen.
Matt Duffy – Day-to-day with an ankle sprain. Use the left Frankenfielder’s ankle and get out there!
Kelby Tomlinson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Kelby Tomlinson sounds like a running back, but, hey, I’m no fantasy football aficionado, I’m more of aficionado of Arenado. Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on. Watch out, here comes my rap alter ego, B. Fire, as I take you higher like Altuve on a ladder. You were out wearing camo fatigues, dolling your hair up like Cheryl Tiegs, wishing you stole orange futures from Clarence Beeks. Go ahead, speaks. Too late, your breath reeks and your hair’s got more spikes than lemon meringue peaks. I got onions and your sink’s got leeks. Just because you’re overweight wearing a 76er jersey doesn’t mean you have Mo Cheeks. Dropping another sport’s reference? It’s not my preference, but I can rhyme Jerome Bettis with diabetes.
Marlon Byrd – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .238. Is it a coincidence that Byrd showed up in San Fran and The Gangly Manbird disappeared? No, no it’s not. Then did you see who finished the game for the Giants? Osich? It’s a disguised ostrich!
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Um, yeah, sure, whatever. What did he do in his two at-bats? One single and no homers? Then he failed!
Nori Aoki – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 14th steal, after homering on Wednesday. Worth cyclops’ing to see if he’s a rising schmotato.
Adam Jones – Day-to-day after he ran into the fence. Adamerado, why don’t you come to your senses? You need to stop running into fences. Oh, your head is a hard one. I know that you have your reasons. These things that you are defensing can hurt you somehow.
Wade Davis – 1 IP, 0 ER in the 8th, lowering his ERA to 1.01, then followed by Greg Holland 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA up to 3.92. I could see a few things happening here. A) The Royals say Holland is hurt and send him to the DL. B) Davis just replaces him. C) There’s no C. D) They continue to leave Holland as the closer for the rest of the season, then in the playoffs, they make Davis the closer because they have to win, and Davis stays the closer into next year. E) Is the terrible actor from Entourage that somehow continues to find work.
Paulo Orlando – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I was thisclose to making him my batty call yesterday, but instead went with Cuddyer and Venable. Lowercase yay.
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. Some people ask me if I’d start a guy, ignoring the Stream-o-Nator. Honestly, I don’t ignore the Stream-o-Nator, so most times I just go with that. If you don’t want to buy the tool, it’s all good, I’ll tell you my opinion on whether I’d start someone, but at least give me the matchup, which means also including if a guy is at home, because beyond who the team is they’re facing, the most important thing for a pitcher is pitching at home.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Is there anyone else that is hotter right now? Not likakasly!
Alex Rios – 3-for-4. He has two homers on the year. Bumgarner almost has three times as many. Imagine a carpool of Rios and Hanley Ramirez. They’d both sit in the passenger seat for two weeks until firemen Jaws of Life the door open to get them out.
Jon Niese – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. Aaron Harang 6 IP, 5 ER. This matchup was billed as Ugly vs. Ugly Unless He Does Something About His Nose. The Harangutan meets The Anteater. The Nose Shadow vs. Please Stand In A Shadow.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Member how long you waited to add The Beef? Well, if you wait that long with d’Arnaud he won’t be doing anything by the time you pick him up.
Kelly Johnson – 1-for-6 and his 12th homer. Johnson’s one of those players that you would never pick up no matter what I say, so let’s move on.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, and 6th homer this week (!). Cespedes might have 100 legs, but right now all of them are hitting. Long live The Human Cespedes!
Curtis Granderson – 4-for-6, 2 runs. Hey, a Met with more than one hit, mazel, mazel! That’s what happens when you go seven innings without any runs in the middle of a 13-inning game.
Joe Ross – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Considering the Nats’ playoff hopes are hanging by a thread, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ross shut down after another start or two. There’s just no reason to push him further.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .224. This was his 2nd homer in three games. Well, I wouldn’t necessarily enjoy owning him, but if he’s hitting, he’s worth it.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .205. If the Nats don’t start Taylor next year in front of Werth, it’ll be a crime. Though, this will likely be a moot point, because Werth will likely get hurt trying to do the Whip and Nae Nae.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer. I had him in the lineup for this game, and was happy to see him homer, but, wow, the Pirates are platooning the shizz out of him. I mean, even when a weak righty entered the game in the 7th, the Pirates removed Alvarez. Kinda kills all his value if he’s only hanging with the LLAMAS.
Jose Fernandez – According to the Marlins manger, Dan Jennings, Fernandez had a “wow” bullpen session. Let’s just refresh your memory here. Dan Jennings’s previous managerial experience, prior to the Marlins job, was in Little League. That is not a joke. He was hired because he’s a Loria lackey. I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but if Fernandez is rushed back, and has another arm injury this year, it could be career-threatening. We joke about Mattingly and other managers, mostly Mattingly, but Jennings is legitimately dangerous and needs to be stopped or replaced by Ken Jennings, that guy knows everything!
Giancarlo Stanton – Will take batting practice on Monday. I’ll be there in a duffel bag with the sign, “Don’t Sit On Me.”
Justin Nicolino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Fun fact! Snookie’s parents said if she was a boy, they would’ve named her Nicolino.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and his 3rd homer in two days. Hot schmotato alert!
Desmond Jennings – Headed back to the DL due to his surgically-repaired knee. Or I should say, knee in surgical-disrepair.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer. This year, Forsythe has been the epitome of a guy that you Ron Popeil in deep leagues and are totally happy with, but are yawnstipated to death in shallower leagues.
Drew Smyly – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Smyly isn’t the emoji I’m thinking of. More like an emoji of someone kicking my nuts. Hey, so you tried the Smyly thing, but in most leagues, I’d either drop him or wouldn’t start him until he showed something.
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Yeah, we’re about 14 innings over where he should’ve been shut down.
Brandon Moss – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as a Cardinal and 16th homer overall, as he hits .212. I had a bet with myself that Moss actually retired in July and had been wheeling a sack of potatoes wearing his jersey out to the field. Looks like I won that bet, because the only loser is Moss.