Season Desist

People celebrating their fantasy baseball championships today pic.twitter.com/4bavGwku88

— Razzball (@Razzball) October 5, 2022

That is the best encapsulation of the joy of winning a fantasy baseball league. I’m sick it’s so on point. I hope everyone got to feel that “very dorky dancing while very white music plays surrounded by middle-aged men” joy yesterday. Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! That’s if you won your league, if you came in 2nd or worse, you get an A for effort. A big, shiny make-believe A.

So, another fantasy baseball season is in the books, and, with a baseball season in the books, it means Yordan Alvarez’s 2025 season is now in the books, and, in conclusion, that is why we should burn books. Any questions? *calls on a guy who looks zonked* Yes? “If I’m going to IHOP is it MeHOP, MyselfHOP or IHOP, or does it depend on usage?” God damn it, is that you, Cody Bellinger?! Stop smoking so much weed! *Cody lowers his head, kicks a rock and walks out of the room* Okay, if there’s no more questions, I have one:  How long until next year’s rankings come out?! Wait, I have to write them. When I’m done, I’ll start to put them on our Patreon. Now, one more question, what do I do for the next three months? Oh, yeah, write the rankings!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.85. Not even the curse of being on the cover of the AARP Magazine could stop him.

Willy Adames – 1-for-3 and his 30th homer, hitting .225. Honestly, not the worst season for him. If he hit .224 and 29 homers, it would’ve been worse.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 35th homer. He played 163 games this year. Eat a D, Cal Ripken Jr.!

Logan Webb – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.22. He led the NL with 224 Ks and MLB in innings with 207. On the other side of the diamond, the Suckies had the worst rotation ERA in history. What will they do as an encore? Kris Bryant: Rockies’ number one starter coming out of camp!

Eury Perez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Whatever you bid on Eury in next year’s drafts, I will bid one more dollar. We’re going to the moon on Eury-stonks!

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.53, as he faced the LolMets. Spending money all offseason to assemble a great team? Absolutely! 21 games over .500 during the season? Can’t blow that! Going against the Marlins in their final game where the opposing starter allowed five walks, and the Reds lose, opening the door to the playoffs? How will they manage to lose this? I present you, the most innovative team: the Mets.

Nick Kurtz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. Okay, top 20 overall in 2026?

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4 and a double slam (16, 17) and legs (7). I streamed him yesterday! Woohoo! (To move into a tie for 7th place.) LFG!!!

Trey Yesavage – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.21. More like Trey-dot-twenty-one Yesavage.

Alejandro Kirk – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. He hit two meatballs. I’d like to report, Meatball on Meatball crime!

George Springer – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (32) and legs (18), hitting .309. This Zombino’s about to go 3/1/.203 in April and miss the next four months in 2026. Can I write the schmohawk post now?

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3, hitting .247. What a bum (complementary).

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .295. Said this the other day, but Freeman continues to be productive even as people (me) write him off (three years ago).

Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 55th homer, a new career high. .282/.392/.622 with 55 home runs, 102 RBIs, 146 runs, 20 stolen bases. On the mound: 47 innings, 62 strikeouts, 9 walks, 3 HR allowed, 2.87 ERA, 1.90 FIP. Does his back porch have its own zip code? Then not my MVP.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.36, as he pitches his final regular season game. 2.53 career ERA is the 15th best of all-time (min. 2855 IP). There will never be another one like him (because cloning is illegal).

Trea Turner – 0-for-2 as he was activated from IL, and hit .304 to win the NL batting title, and no one else in the NL hit .300. I’m not even joking. WTF.

Kyle Schwarber – 0-for-3. He led the majors in ribbies with 132. Okay, technically, Tony Roma’s leads the world in ribbies. But Schwarber led MLB.

Mick Abel – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.23. For all those that say you can’t return home again, Mick was Abel. [tear falls from eye, thinking about how perfect that sentence was]

Cristopher Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.50. When I go over my positional ranks, I’ll go more in-depth on Sanchez, but he’s become an ace.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-3 and his 32nd homer, and 4th straight game with a homer. Said this last week when he homered for the first time since August 6th, there’s people who will tell you with a straight face there’s no such thing as a hot or cold bat. I’m a crow going after straw men!

Javier Baez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Member when people were like, “Ooh, Javy Baez is Comeback Player of the Year?” Turned out he was, “Sorta Decent Player of May and June.”

Geraldo Perdomo – 1-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .290. Might’ve had the most under-the-radar season of anyone. I know we don’t concern ourselves with WAR here, but Perdomo is in the top five in the majors.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-3 and his 28th homer, hitting .283. That’s in only 126 games. I think I’ve become a Ketel fan. [hiccup]

Brandon Pfaadt – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.25. In like a lion that was stuffed and mounted, and out like a lamb that has those silly little socks on its rack and is served with mint jelly.

Brayan Rocchio – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, as he walked off the final game of the season. The Guards really feel inevitable. We shall see. Or not! Your choice.

Bubba Chandler – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. That gives him four wins in 31 1/3 MLB innings. Putting that through my Wins Calculator That Doesn’t Know Who The Pirates Are, and next year, he’s winning 30 games! Wow!

Spencer Strider – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Just went through his game log and he only had one start that really looks like vintage Strider, and A) It was vs. the Suckies. B) No one should be talking about vintage anyone when the player is 26, but here we are. C) There’s no C.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .290. Tildaddy gets drafted in the 2nd round in 2026?

Charlie Morton – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.83, as Morton retires from baseball and returns to the salt mines.

Mike Trout – 1-for-1 and his 26th homer, hitting .232. Trout is barely a top 200 player on the Player Rater. An emoji that is sad about how age works.

Brice Matthews – 2-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (1). On the last day of the season, Brice wins Most Random Slam & Legs of the year! That’s better than a playoff berth, Astros!

Andrew Abbott – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87. My one starter who I rostered in multiple leagues who didn’t regress miserably in the 2nd half and for that, I raise my hat and toast everyone else was toast. Wait, why did I raise my hat to toast. Hold up, why is my drink in my hat? Man, without baseball, I really do become a mess.

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Imagine how good he would’ve been if he didn’t go on a six-week cruise around the world in the 2nd half.

Colson Montgomery – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer on Saturday. All in the 2nd half! Last time I ever say that. Okay, maybe I say it again in the rankings. But we must recognize the greatness that is Colson.

Brooks Baldwin – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato–Oh, right.

Shane Smith – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Was the first year since 2005 without a no-hitter. Also the first year without someone yelling moogly-googly at an ump, though moogly-googly records aren’t kept well.

Michael A. Taylor – 1-for-3, 1 RBI. Retiring from baseball, but Michael Ann Taylor will never retire those fab pantsuits.

James Wood – 0-for-3, hitting .256. He ended up with 221 Ks, only two donkeys did worse in history: Adam Dunn and Mark Reynolds. Wood, the Young Donkey.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .331. Hit his 53rd homer on Saturday and won the AL batting title. He became the tallest player to ever win a batting title, beating out Roy and Tex Powl, who got the nickname the Pole Brothers because their last name sounded like “pole” and the 3′ 2″ Tex used to sit on top of the 3′ 3″ Roy’s shoulders. They hit .317 in 1905.

Cam Schlittler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Will be drafted next year, but nowhere near where you think he should go. Unless you think he should go too high. I don’t know what you have rattling around in your cabeza.

Ben Rice – 2-for-4 and his 25th and 26th homer. Fun fact! His great-grandfather had Been Rice.

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .274. A dark cloud falls over the baseball diamond. The tarp covers it for the last time until 2026. One player remains on the field, looks up to the heavens and asks, “Was I good and just?” I peer over the top of the stadium, as we now see it’s a diorama, and shout, “No, you weren’t good and just, you jerk! You became Jason Kendall! And that Ken Doll’s got no bat!” We see now the dark cloud is a felt puppet and I begin to weep into it. “I’m sorry, Gunnar, it’s not your fault you stink. This is how I made you out of puppet materials.” So, boys and six girl readers (we gained one this year!), it’s time to fold up the tent of the 2025 fantasy baseball season. I will be by later in the week with the Razzballies and positional recaps, then we will march into the new season. For now, keep with you this one thought: At least you didn’t draft Gunnar Henderson in the 1st round and Yordan Alvarez in the 2nd. You did? Oh, then thoughts and prayers.