Corey Seager should’ve been called up already. Brucely, we’re up against it with the Dodgers. We have the aging vet, Jimmy Rollins, who looks like toast if you were to take doodie and pat it into the shape of toast and, uh, toast it. We have Justin Turner, who is having a career year but isn’t really this good and getting more slap hits than another Turner. We have Dumb Mattingly, who has Joe Torre on speed dial because he thinks Torre is still the manager of the team and Dumb is just acting as interim. We have the playoffs in their grasp. We have a team where money is no object, so if they call up Seager and bench Rollins and his contract, whatevs. We have a city that is obsessed with youth, says Debra Winger. This sounds as convoluted as True Detective. Now that I write it out, I’m surprised Seager didn’t get called up in April. I’ve refrained from tooting the Seager horn to avoid looking like a Bozo when he wasn’t called up, but I’m starting to think it could be soon, or at least within the next month. Why do we care, young prematurely balding men? Cause he looks like a young Tulo. Maybe he doesn’t steal 20 bases in a year, but he could hit 30 HRs with 10 steals and a .300 average. No, not this year, but at some point those numbers seem doable. And I’d like to do ’em! In redraft leagues, I’d now start stashing Seager, and, in keepers and dynasty leagues, he’s likely already gone, but if he’s not, oh, heck’s yeah. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Curt Casali – Once upon a time, a prospect by the name of Kevin Maas, that no one knew prior, came up with the Yankees and hit 76 home runs in 78 at-bats with two strikeouts that were controversial third-strike calls. Soon thereafter, he disappeared, only to be seen occasionally when John Walsh updated Kevin’s missing person file. Ever since that day, whenever a third-rate prospect comes up and starts performing well, and is bound to disappear like the aforementioned Yankee prospect, it’s said that prospect has Maas appeal. Casali has 7 homers in only 21 games, so, you’d be happy as hell to get Casali’s power in a deal, maybe your soul you’d sell to have Maas appeal!
Carlos Sanchez – Hitting near-.500 in the last week, and his name translates to Chuck Weird Sex Maneuver. What’s not to like?
Javier Baez – I don’t think Castro is going to get benched, but he could be traded. Either way (wait, that was one way), if you’re desperate in leagues, I could see stashing Baez. A staezh, perhaps? Hmm, maybe not.
Jung-Ho Kang – He’s been doing damage recently with his bat like you never want to hear said about any other Ho.
Trevor Story – Here’s what Prospect Mike said the other day, “Obviously Jose Reyes is going to be the shortstop in Colorado for right now, but I wouldn’t be shocked if the Rockies flip him, opening the door for Story. Between Double-A and Triple-A this season, Story is batting .281 with 16 homers and 15 steals. The 22-year-old has been especially hot of late, hitting .366 with four homers over his last ten games. The biggest concern coming into this season was his strikeout rate, but he lowered that enough for me to rank him 37th on the Midseason Top 50. He should be on the radar in keeper leagues since he’ll be a hot pickup once the Reyes roadblock is removed like I’d like to remove Grey’s heart and chew on it.” What? I’m scared!
Brett Lawrie – It only took halfway through his post-post-post-post-post-post-post-pause for a smoke-walk the dog-post-post-post-POST-post-hype year!
Chase Headley – JayWrong is over rocking the 2015 fantasy football rankings, but if he were here right now, he’d tell you Headley is the greatest player to ever don a baseball uniform. Or at least as good as Kevin Kouzmanoff.
Tyler Saladino – I like to tell Cougs I want this guy, just to see her briefly excited thinking I want to have salad with her.
Francisco Lindor – He hit three homers in the last week, and he has 30-steal speed and, of course, what is a day that doesn’t end with you changing your middle infielder? Not a day, at all.
Michael Conforto – I haven’t been that impressed with Conforto so far, but I’m giving him another week. I’m also slightly jaded because I haven’t been that impressed by a Mets hitting prospect in about twelve years.
Preston Tucker – I’m kinda crazy for this guy. Put me in a strait jacket and let me fling poop at the walls! Okay, maybe that’s too much. Tucker could lose a few at-bats due to the Gomez trade, but it looks like Marisnick is the odd man out.
Gerardo Parra – Great value upswing for Parra going to the O’s. Now he can start every day on top of a potent lineup. To give you a comparison, he just became a poor man’s Pollock. Call him Ukrainian.
Domingo Santana – With Parra and Gomez out of the picture — which is weird because you say ‘Cheese’ when in a picture, and Milwaukee has the Cheeseheads — Santana could become a fixture in the Brewers’ outfield. In deeper leagues, I’d act now.
Ben Revere – Was just traded to the Blue Jays. Feels anti-American for Revere to go to Canada, but they’ve had their problems with the British too, and one can always use a town crier. Feels also unfair to have him bring his 40-steal speed to the top of the 1927 Blue Jays lineup. As Revere would say, giddy up!
Ender Inciarte – Ever think that Inciarte is in Witness Protection and his last name is a CIA Easter egg? No? Maybe it’s me.
Aaron Hicks – A-A-ron can be a substitute for any slumping outfielder on your team.
Alex Rios – Is there a douchey player in the majors? Maybe not. Does that matter when you’re picking up a hot bat? Perhaps if douchey is a negative category in your league. “Oh, shoot, he didn’t run out a grounder to 2nd. Damn, that’s gonna cost me in my Douchey league. I knew I should’ve drafted Schumaker as a backup, he’s got Roberto Clemente awards!”
Marcell Ozuna – OZUNA will return soon. OZUNA will make amends. OZUNA just needs to Google recipe for amends.
Michael Taylor – I have no idea why the Nationals have been batting him at the bottom of the order, but I love the way Taylor’s been going H.A.M.
Edward Mujica – Announced as A’s (not really stutterer!) closer. That is the nicest thing I can say for Mujica.
Ken Giles – With Papelbon finally danced out of town, Giles will handle the ninth inning duties for the rest of his career. No pressure!
Hector Rondon – Maddon seems to have settled back on Rondon as the Cubs closer, and that will stay that way until Maddon randomly wakes up one day and decides to mix it up. Maddon: You Can Count On Not Counting On Him.
Chris Tillman – Here’s what I said the other day, “On one hand, he has an under 1.50 ERA in the 2nd half of the season. On the other hand, he had a 2.33 ERA in the 2nd half last year. On a third hand that is actually a glove on the end of a mop, I could see grabbing Tillman in some leagues to see if this 2nd half magic is real like Michael Jackson would’ve said about David Blaine.” And that’s me quoting me!
Mike Leake – I just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and have at it.
Patrick Corbin – I’ve been a bit surprised by how well he’s looked since his return, and with each game he’s pitched he gets further and further away from the surgery that was my main concern on him. I’m definitely buying or my name isn’t Grey Giancarlo Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario.
Mat Latos – Even without the Dodgers, Latos had shown enough since he returned from injury that my interest was under a Christmas tree and I was piquing through the wrapping paper. Convoluted wordplay points!
Any Player That Can’t Win You A Championship For Any Player That Wins You The Championship – No, don’t go to your waiver wire looking for someone named, Any Player That Wins You The Championship. He exists, but not in his most literal form. He’s amorphous. No, that feeling you have when you see Robin Thicke is not amorphous. That’s something else. Yes, Chris Sale has been terrific for your team, but if you don’t need pitching, why aren’t you trading him? Check your voicemail; that’s me screaming at you to go for the title. Sorry, I get emotional. If you love Aroldis and want to have his babies, I can’t argue with you, but if you don’t need saves, friend him on Facebook, DM him some noodes and trade him away for something you need! With trading deadlines quickly approaching, now is the time to lay your cards on the table and go for the gusto. No, gusto isn’t Italian for what happens what you stand too close to your uncle’s backside. You need to win now and if that means making lopsided trades that don’t look great on the surface, but help you win, do it! Let’s make you people winners! Uh, you know, for fantasy.