With A Schebler Yell, He Cries More, More Dongs

Let me know if you can tell what song I’m listening to while I write this.  Scott Schebler hit his 13th home run; it was the third straight game with a homer.  Whoa, make me sweaty (Bam-ba-Lam)!  I’ve mentioned before (numerous times) that Schebler was always loved by Razzball/Steamer projections, but why?  He’s so rock steady (Bam-ba-Lam)!  Whoa, Dave Righetti (Bam-ba-Lam)!  Schebler took a while to catch on, but he’s still only 26, and, as a 23-year-old in the minors, he hit 28 HRs and stole 10 bases while hitting .280 in Double-A, and continued that in Triple-A, always hitting for power and getting some steals.  He’s not from Birmingham (Bam-ba-Lam)!  Way down in Alabam’ (Bam-ba-Lam)!  Well, he’s shakin’ that thing (Bam-ba-Lam)!  Boy, he makes me sing (Bam-ba-Lam)!  Whoa, drop confetti (Bam-ba-Lam)!  Across the board now, ROS projections are singing Schebler’s praises and I’m done fighting him.  If you combine his ROS projections and what he’s done so far, they have him down for a 30 HR, 10 SBs, .255 guy.  Whoa, pot of neti, (Bam-ba-Lam)!  At this point, there’s no reason to not own Schebler until further notice.  Whoa, sometimes I dress my dog up like a yeti, (Bam-ba-Lam)!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Finnegan – Will throw off the mound today for the first time since he strained his trapezius.  He’s still about a month away from returning.  People have returned quicker after falling from a trapeze.

Carlos Carrasco – Ready to start today in Cincy.  Indians pitching coach Mikey Callaway said. “He feels great.  His bullpen was outstanding the other day.”  When Callaway was asked about the water he was drinking, he said, “So refreshing!  Just really terrific!  Damn fine water!”  Apparently, Callaway only has one level.

Junior Guerra – Expected back from the DL this week.  ‘Member when he went down on Opening Day?  At the time, we thought pitchers would only go on the DL when they were hurt.  We were so young and naive then, and you had more hair.

Mike Zunino – Recalled from Triple-A.  Zunino will take over the catching duties, and just being an all-around doodie.

Kyle Schwarber – Didn’t start yesterday, which I wouldn’t have usually mentioned but short schedule day and it’s interesting because he sat vs. a weak lefty.  This could be a sign of things to come if everyone stays healthy.

Javier Baez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Also, in this game, Ben Zobrist went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 5th homer.  These two homers have Schwarber looking up like, “Hey, did someone turn on a heat lamp?”

John Lackey – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.82.  This guy is the biggest POS the world has ever seen.  How do get rope-a-doped vs. the Giants at home?  You couldn’t get the heater past Joe Effin’ Panik?  Panik, indeed, on your career, you horse-toothed jackass!  I need to move on before I get an ulcer from Lackey.  He’s making me lose my shizz!

Hunter Pence – Ran sprints on Monday.  Today, he will run Verizons.

Joe Panik – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I need to move on quickly because Lackey feelings are bubbling to the surface again.  I’m a volcano of emotions ready to explode!

Ty Blach – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.46.  You know what neurons are firing in Maddon’s brain-melon, right?  The Cubs didn’t hit the starter yesterday and not coincidentally Happ was sitting out.  As for Blach, he’s the type that is huge value in NL-Only or deep leagues, but a Stream-o-Nator call in most mixed leagues.

Brandon Belt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .241.  Okay, one last thing on Lackey, the Giants were the worst National League team for runs!  Seriously, Lackey, retire forever and sell your teeth for billboard ad space.

Phil Hughes – Hit the DL, because he felt stiffness in his shoulder.  Supposedly, Hughes asked the team trainer, “Can you get that stiffness from my shoulder into my pants?”

Max Kepler – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Maybe he didn’t pan out as well as we hoped (maybe, my ass!), but there’s still time for him to come around, and he’s obviously schmotato’ing.

Joe Mauer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .274.  Mauer was featured in Mike Honcho’s guys to stream this week.  I don’t have anything nice to say about Mauer; we’ve chosen to live separate lives, but Mike obviously likes him this week.

Jorge Polanco – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .268.  Without looking it up, I’m guessing Polanco has at least four hits on the year.

Miguel Sano – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 11th homer, hitting .319.  In mere moments, nay, seconds, nay milliseconds, I will tell you why every single hitter Minny-sota (that’s how they talk, right?) was Babe Cobb Ruth.  Though, Sano has had a nice year so far, I’d still be looking to sell him if I needed another piece.

Kyle Gibson – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.62 vs. Ubaldo Jimenez 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.17.  This matchup was billed as, “The One Where Whitey Ford Can Still Pitch Better Than Either Pitcher, And You Legitimately Don’t Know If Whitey’s Alive, And It Doesn’t Matter Because Either Way He’s Better Than These Guys.”

Adam Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  The pitchers in this game were so bad if you didn’t do something you suck.  I’m farting in your general direction, Schoop.  Mollywhop or go home!

Michael Pineda – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.35.  Usually Pineda is like a crazy ex-girlfriend.  Not the TV show, but an actual ex who paints on your parent’s house, “D*CKHEAD” from one angle and “ASSHOLE” from the other angle to cover visitors coming from east and west directions.  Meaning:  Pineda was just impossible to prepare for no matter the matchup.  This year, totally different Pineda.  Start to start, he looks predictable, in a good way.

Brett Gardner – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .281.  Not saying he gets there, but he’s on pace for a top 30 outfielder season.  Prolly should own just to find out.

Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer.  I’ve already gone over this but it escapes basic logic and reasoning that Carter’s batting ninth.  I understand Hicks has been hot, but Hicks is more of a 9-hole hitter and Carter more of a six-hole hitter.

Didi Gregorius – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and he went 4-for-4 on Sunday.  Junior M.A.F.I.A. can’t even stop him.

Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It’s slightly hilarious and slightly not hilarious that Vargas, with a 2.30 ERA, was dropped in my RCL league, and I’m not putting in a waiver claim for him either.  The Regression Fairies can stay in the den talking to a flamboyant uncle for only so long until they come looking for Vargas.

Jorge Bonifacio – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd in three games, hitting .268.  Looks like a hot schmotato, but no one is actually picking him up so let’s move on before we insult each other’s intelligence.

Jeff Hoffman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.29.  Fun fact!  Jeff Hoffman is so boring people forgot who Jeff Hoffman was when he was at the Thanksgiving table, and those people were his family.  If people wanted us to remember Jeff Hoffman, they would’ve named him something like Mickey McHeatstein.  Hoffman does throw fast, and I’m marking the box to track him, but more for NL-Only leagues.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .291.  I just won this eBay auction to get a bag of grass from Splendor in the Grass that Natalie Wood rolled around in, and I can’t wait to show my dying mother–NOOOOOOOO!!!  Torenado!!!

Jerad Eickhoff – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.70.  A bleh start to go with a bleh season.  He’s a Jer-khoff.

Josh Donaldson – Began a rehab stint.  Not to be Mr. Exposition, but he’s been sidelined for the better part of three months with calf problems, I don’t think it’s going to be a great year for him.

Gerrit Cole – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.36.  Is it me (I don’t think it’s me) or does every time Cole gets near a 3.00 ERA he gives up a crapload of runs and is knocked back to a 3.30 ERA pitcher?

Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  That’s one home run for each of his moobs.

Ender Inciarte – 5-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .279.  I hope this is him coming out of his funk of the last few weeks, because I did one of those things where I dropped someone (Pillar) and kept Ender so I will not give up on Ender because Pillar heated up.  I’m stuck with Ender as long as Pillar hits.  I don’t know why this makes sense to me.

Mike Foltynewicz – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86.  Solid enough start, but not worth the effort to spell out his name.

Zack Greinke – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.82.  I’ll admit that I didn’t think Greinke had another great season in him, and it’s held me back from fully embracing him, but he looks like he’s having that one more great season.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .315.  Au Shizz!

Joe Ross – Will rejoin the Nats’ rotation on Tuesday.  After having a 7.47 ERA in the majors, he went to Triple-A where he had a 5.50 ERA.  That’s better like, “That’s not a pubic hair in your eggs, that’s a hair from the top of my head.”  I’d wait and see with Ross in most leagues.

Anibal Sanchez – Optioned to Triple-A Toledo.  For those unfamiliar with the city of Toledo, it’s the Mecca of Ohio, often referred to as Holy Toledo.

Michael Fulmer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.55.  Another damn good start from Fulmer, but his peripherals don’t scream 2.55 ERA.  They don’t even politely state it.

Logan Morrison – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer.  Also, in this game, Corey Dickerson went 1-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Mean’s while, the guy who owns Carlos Santana silently weeps like his guitar cover song.

JC Ramirez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.81 vs. Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.14.  This start seemed bioengineered by the Stream-o-Nator to have two solid starts from Jesus Christ Ramirez and Jake “And The Fat Man Eats Two Eggs” Odorizzi.  Odorizzi is a little more ownable in the big picture, but why are you looking at the big picture, you voyeur?  You peeper?  Keep your dirty eyes on your own picture.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (10).  Maybin’s been having a sneaky valuable last week-plus.  He’s hitting over .450 in the last week with four steals in the last eight games.  It’s all about the sample sizes, snitches!

C.J. Cron – Demoted to Triple-A, a day after hitting a grand slam.  Guys and five girls, when you have prospects like Cliff Pennington and Nolan Fontana (didn’t make up that name), you can only wait on a guy that had a .792 OPS last year.  That OPS was only as good as Chris Davis and Adam Duvall.  I mean, c’mon!  Nolan Fontana had a .195 average last year in Triple-A.  You don’t get better than that!  Long story short, Cron shouldn’t have waved his Cron-nut at Mrs. Sciosciapath.