Thank you, Jesus Guzman! Or Jesus Alou or Jesus Colome or David DeJesus or whatever baseball Jesus you pray to! Anthony Rendon was activated! “Hello, God, it’s me Grey. I have no more requests…Well, maybe one more. Could you allow Rendon to hit? Okay, you being such a literal God will prolly take that to mean, he’ll get at-bats and ground out. I mean, can you allow him to hit for a high average, some power, some speed and just be better than Logan Forsythe? I’ll take my answer off the air.” Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from Rendon. Some players — Josh Hamilton comes to mind — get countless injury updates from the media no matter how small the news. I feel like with Rendon it’s been radio silence since he was DL’d. Every few weeks there would be a ‘playing in rehab games’ update, but very little else. So, the realistic side of me wants to think he’s going to struggle like it’s spring training for him. The fanboy side of me thinks he’s gonna hit a zillion homers and steal a trillion bases and make everything right. Likely, he’ll be about as good as Yunel, but, due to his name recognition, will soothe my middle infidel nerves for a few weeks. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 and, well, he’s back, and that’s all that matters. Thank you, Jesus Montero! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rafael Soriano – Will throw for teams on June 11th. I wonder if he’ll be played by Dennis Quaid.
Doug Fister – Threw a bullpen session. Afterwards, Fister signed autographs at the AVN Awards.
Wilson Ramos – Sat out yesterday with a sore thumb. Wow, I had no idea he was playing this year. Huh, news to me.
Yunel Escobar – Left yesterday’s game with– Oh, whatever! Rendon’s back!
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.57. I was about to tell you that you could do better, but I just looked at his peripherals, and he should be much better than he’s been. I wouldn’t necessarily buy him for much, but I could see a small buy low here.
Junior Lake – 1-for-2, RBI and his 3rd steal. It’s been all a bit sudden, but my heart is racing, and I haven’t felt like this since I saw Angel Heart in the theater. I think I’m falling in love with Lake one game at a time. You best believe he’s in this afternoon’s Buy column.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.04. You know you’re dealing with a special pitcher when you own him and you feel like he hasn’t been that good and his ERA is barely over 3.00. A special pitcher that wasn’t even ownable this time last year. Ah, times change, people change, let’s hold hands. Figuratively!
Fernando Rodney – Lloyd Christmas McClendon reiterated yesterday that Rodney was his closer. Would you trust a guy with the ninth inning who can’t figure out how to straighten his hat for his player profile pic? Carson Smith has the best stuff in the bullpen, but Christmas has said that he doesn’t have the “man muscles” to close. I Googled where to find “man muscles” and I found a few bars in West Hollywood. One called Manhole and another called Woody’s. I then Googled for images of man muscles and it showed no results, but I have my SafeSearch turned on. Christmas might be the only manager that decides on the hierarchy of his bullpen with a ruler in the shower.
Roenis Elias – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.94. Elias Sports Bureau said, “We wish Roenis didn’t shorten his last name, dropping the Sports Bureau, but we’re still proud of him.” Not sure how Roenis is doing it, but his numbers scream streamer, and I have a headache and wish they’d stop screaming that.
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Mariners, his former team. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also, if your dish is served, like, ten minutes after everyone else in your party has been served, that’s mean too. So, Erasmo now has two games between him and his last drubbing. That either implies he’s overdue to get hit around next time out or he’s finally putting it together. I would watch him for his next start, but still wouldn’t pick him up in most leagues.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, hitting close to .400 in the last week. Yup, I’d grab him if I needed runs and steals potential.
Joey Butler – 2-for-3, 1 run and 2 steals (2, 3), hitting over .400 in the last week. What’s that the Butler is serving? Ooh, it’s a hot schmotato.
Kevin Jepsen – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, because Boxberger had worked once in the last four games? Is Joe Maddon’s Hologram managing this team? Supposedly, Boxberger was just rested because he threw a lot of pitches the night before. I looked in a few leagues to grab Jepsen, where I was desperate for saves, but he wasn’t there. If you’re dying for saves, I could see snagging him.
Yoenis Cespedes – 0-for-1, but left yesterday’s game with flu-like symptoms. Yo’ needs mo’tussin!
Tyler Collins – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oh. Wait, who? Only Collins I know is the greatest drummer in the world and front man of Genesis that wrote a book about the Alamo that I own. That’s the only Collins I know!
Shane Greene – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Member when he was a thing? We were younger then, and you had more hair.
Jesse Hahn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in Detroit. Fo’serious, the Tigers look as bad as someone singing Wayne Newton at karaoke, only accidentally singing, “Donkey chains.”
Stephen Vogt – 1-for-3, 2 runs, but left yesterday’s game with a cramp, which he says he could be over by tomorrow. He’s more resilient than Cougs!
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Lawrie’s been poison this year, and yesterday I saw he had two hits and was like, “Look what the cat dragged in.”
Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .264. Last time, Butler hit 264 was when he returned from Hardee’s with a tapeworm.
Archie Bradley – Hit the disgraceful list. Five over-the-internet dollars says he’ll be activated and sent to the minors. Robbie Ray (5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks) took over his rotation spot. I will say about Ray (you poet!) that his minor league numbers are weird-looking like a grown up Rick Schroeder. You got Rick rolled! Ray went from decent control and around a 6 K/9 to this year with 12.3 K/9 and a 5.9 BB/9. Like he was down in Triple-A pitching and finally said, “Who gives a f**k? I’m just gonna throw hard.” How about this Ray guy?! Punt? Well, maybe not in deeper leagues.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. Au Shizz!
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Where’s the boeuf?! Welington’s going to catch, right? I mean, I have him going this weekend in my NFBC league. Leave the sodium on the bench, guys, and let’s go protein, baby!
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.05. The giant rabbit in the room with Harvey is will he be better than deGrom this year? I mean, up until September when deGrom needs Tommy John surgery.
John Mayberry – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Mayberry, BFD!
Adam Jones – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Get him out of the coffin! He’s fogging up the mirror under his nose!
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.18. To think he did all that and may I say not in a shy way. Oh no, oh no, not him. For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught. To say things when he relates and not the words of one who translates. His 1-4 record shows, Chen took the blows and did it his Wei….Yin. Yes, he did it his Wei…Yin.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .194. Regrets, Pearce has had a few– Sorry, that song is catchy.
Hank Conger – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I told you he would have value this year! *slowly backs out of the room, backs into a room filled with angry Conger owners* Oh, hey, guys.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.85. Starting for the American League All-Star team is…Dallas Keuchel! *people tune into All-Star Game hoping for Caitlyn Jenner ESPY commercials*
Matt Shoemaker – Will pitch out of the bullpen for a few days. If The Sciosciapath had any sense in his Sciosciapathic head, he would demote or DL Shoemaker.
Brian McCann – Day-to-day with foot soreness. Maybe he can have Lasik surgery on his foot. That seems to answer all his problems.
Devin Mesoraco – Rather than going for surgery and fixing his hip, he’s been working out in left field. Devin looks like a mass murderer from a horror film, but I think he might just be afraid of going under the knife. Does Devin need a visit from Patch Adams?
Anthony DeSclafani – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 3.60. I will take out my conducting baton and warn you, a hard C is not a K, even though they sound similar, DeSclafani. Even with his iffy peripherals, the Stream-o-Nator gives him positive marks on his next start. Now stop rushing…or was it dragging?
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5, 1, run, 2 RBIs and his 8th steal, and steals in back-to-back games and hitting near-.400 in the last week with a homer. I keep saying he’s the hottest schmotato in the land, and while in the truest sense of that, it is true, but he’s owned in more than 50% of leagues, so technically it’s stretching the truth.
Ben Revere – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 11th steal. Revere twirls the hotel phone cord with his finger, dreamily looking at the ceiling. Finally, he speaks quietly into the phone, “Byrd, tell me again how you got out of Philadelphia.”
Chris Young – 5 IP, 6 ER. The Royals would’ve been better off starting a dwarf with a seven foot ladder.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Cain…Sugar! really hasn’t been bad — Shut up, I’m trying to convince myself! — but I wouldn’t kick some more power and speed out of bed.
Trevor Bauer – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. I’m not hating strictly because I don’t own him anywhere (Maybe… Muahahahahahahaha, what was I evil laughing about again?), but his ERA is lying to you. Bauer’s walking way too many guys, and I could see the Regression Fairies showing up at his door at any moment for some wine, cheese and an ERA thrashing. Muahahahahaha, seriously what was it?
Brandon Moss – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, this one came off Chris Young. I bet Moss was glad he wore his high-heeled, Disco Stu shoes with goldfish floating in them!
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 10 Ks. Oh. OH! Hmm, well, that deserves another looksie at his stats. *Googles Rodon, sees sculptor Rodin, searches for a sculpture of The Thinker that uses I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, comes up empty* So, that was illuminating to say the least! Quite brucely, Rodon’s stats are a mess. He’s walking way too many hitters (5.7 BB/9). You can give him a whirl if you’re desperate for upside, but he’s a dangerous work in progress like my margarine sculpture.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5 and his 3rd steal. Why weren’t you doing this while you were on my team? Was it something I said?
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.54. I could sit here — and I am sitting — and tell you to pick up Gallardo, but I would never do it myself.
Pablo Sandoval – 0-for-4, hitting .239. Man, when I drafted him I thought I was hot shizz and everyone that didn’t like him this year was cold diarrhea. He’s the size of a horse and he’s going out of his way to prove every naysayer right. Do something, you giant bleb! No, not a blob, that’s too polite! He’s a bleb, which is an irregular nipple blister. He’s a giant effin’ bleb on society’s boob!
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .303. At least one Red Sox player didn’t get the memo to suck. Or maybe that’s got the memo to not suck. Do we know if there was or wasn’t a memo sent? Can someone verify this?
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-4, hitting .298. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s moved up to the two hole shortly and then, if he hits there and the Red Sox get hot, he could have a huge value shift. At least that’s what’s written on the note that I put under my pillow at night for the Fantasy Baseball Fairy.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .243 as he was moved to the seven-hole. The hens pecking their keyboard about how great Mookie is sure have quieted down.
Blake Swihart – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Bleh, whatevs. On a non-related note, when I see any woman over the age of 50 making the heart shape sign with their hands, I want to vomit.
Torii Hunter – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. After the game, he took the video of the homer and slid it under the Red Sox’s front office door with the note, “I heard you’re looking for more outfielders. Can also pitch an inning or two.”
Kurt Suzuki – 3-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .239. He’s been as valuable as Sandoval. That fat frickin’ bleb!
Tommy Milone – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks as he moves into the Twins rotation. He brings with him insane Triple-A numbers. But if one had a wish from a genie, wouldn’t one wish for great major league numbers? Why choose being great in Triple-A, Milone? Meh, he’s fine in AL-Only and very deep leagues, but I wouldn’t go near him outside of positive Stream-o-Nator calls in most mixed leagues.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-5 and his 5th steal, and three steals in the last five days. I picked him up in one deep league, where I needed steals. Hicks won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could’ve been. Wow, the accolades!
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with his ERA down to 2.18. So, what you’re saying is I should’ve drafted him instead of Strasburg? Got it, loud and clear!
Carlos Frias – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post, ERA at 4.25. The Dodgers fans were impressed with what they saw, but they missed the first six innings due to a back up on the 110.
Kenley Jansen – Supposedly wasn’t called on to save Wednesday’s game because he was battling dehydration. Funny, Mattingly causes me to battle exasperation.
