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I know what you’re all doing. Counting down a New York slugger to home run immortality. Great! Me too! Pete Alonso (4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 39th homer) moves to within 34 of tying Barry Bonds. That is so laughably funny. You can have an insane year and still be almost half away from Bonds. That’s like Aaron Judge vs. everyone else this year. Almost. Still not quite as ridiculous, but close. Wait, Pete Alonso secured an even more important record — the new Mets’ RBI record (128). So, it’s been truly a fantastic year for Albombso, as he hits .270, and has a legit shot of a top five slot on the Player Rater. A lofty status for a guy who runs like he’s an insect in molasses, though, he does have five steals. For 2023 fantasy, I could see Pete Alonso still being underrated because there is no real speed, and his average this year might be considered fluky-ish, as he’s more of a .255 guy. Think you are selling him short though. For hitters with the most homers in his 1st four seasons, only three guys have more than Alonso: Ralph Kiner, Pujols and Eddie Mathews. 40 homers is the new 60 homers, and do you want a guy who is as much a lock for 40 homers as anyone? Then Albombso! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jacob deGrom – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.93. DeGrom’s kryptonite is twelve-hundred feet of foul territory and hitters who will be out of baseball and delivering pizza in a few years.

Seth Brown – 1-for-3 and his 25th homer. There might be hotter guys, but are you talking about their hitting or you talking about what they’d look like on the cover of GQ?

Conner Capel – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. The exceptional news is if you grab him, you can make your opponent even more crazy when they’re losing to a team led by Conner Capel.

Spencer Strider – Hit the IL. Sucks if you lost him in your H2H finals, but I can’t say I’m disappointed in any way that the Braves created a fake injury for him. Only wish they would’ve made up some fake injury like Toejamnasti about three weeks ago to save him some innings, but easy for me to say since I didn’t have him anywhere. Look forward to having him everywhere next year when he can’t get through one game without a six-month IL stint.

Charlie Morton – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.29 vs. Kyle Gibson – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.84. Thank God, this game was delayed long enough to get both starters out of the game, but He must’ve felt bad about cheating to win his H2H playoff, so let the game continue and make both starters’ stats count. And they said God rested on Sunday.

Bailey Falter – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.21. Regression Fairies don’t wear white after Labor Day, and they will destroy your ratios.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 41st and 42nd homer. Schwarber moves to within 19 of Roger Maris, 31 of Bonds. These countdowns are fun!

Art Warren – Had surgery on his UCL. Reds lose Luis Castillo for financial flexibility and Art Warren for elbow flexibility. Just a very smart team.

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Don’t think there won’t be a little up-and-down next year for Lodolo, but this is absolutely the beginning of great things.

Freddy Peralta – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.36, as he was activated from the IL. Pitching through shoulder inflammation always works out great. Good stuff from the Brewers!

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 28th homer, and third homer in the last two games. Looking for a guy who could hit seven homers in the last week-plus? As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Framber Valdez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.69. His streak of 25 straight Quality Starts comes to an end, just in time for your H2H playoffs.

Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Astros’ starters are so good that they shut a guy down three weeks ago, and he’s still pitching incredibly well.

Austin Voth – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks ERA at 4.19. Streamonator hates Voth’s next start, and here’s two Voths against it.

Julio Rodriguez – Hit the IL with “I can’t have anything nice.” I sure hope there’s a cure for that.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.29. Saturday was an especially painful day. Like it was National Treat Me Like Keibert Ruiz’s Nuts Day.

Luis Castillo – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.06. To celebrate his contract signing with the Mariners, Castillo sucked.

Michael Massey – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not much in the recent past for Massey, but Edward Olivares (2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI) didn’t homer, but did on Thursday, and everyone loves Oliveras. If you mouth Olivares, it even looks like you’re saying “I love you.”

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 37th homer. Honestly, I don’t have Trout anywhere, so it’s neither here nor there for me, but I want him to get 40 homers, just to be in utter disbelief at how good he is with a career-threatening back injury and in only 120 games.

Livan Soto – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, and has three straight multi-hit games. Who is this? Literally no idea, but he’s a hot schmotato. Also, different team and game, but if you need steals in this final week, look at Nate Eaton. He’s Eaton up bags.

Reid Detmers – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.88 vs. Joe Ryan – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.70. This matchup was billed as, “Why are two teams that are out of it making their young pitchers gut it out in these final days?” I might be the only one that calls it this.

Johan Oviedo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Oviedo pulls mask off, “Oh my God, that’s not Johan Oviedo! That’s video of Johan Santana! Ahh!” You see Johan Oviedo spending seven years in minors and you’d think the Pirates’ rotation is so stacked he couldn’t crack it. Just terrible teams making terrible decisions. Props to the Braves for not pulling that garbage. Any hoo! Streamonator liked Saturday’s Oviedo start, and doesn’t love his next, and it might be a game-time decision for me streaming him, depending on the Cards’ lineup.

Miguel Andujar – Claimed off waivers by the Pirates. Trading him for, oh, I don’t know, anything the last, oh, I don’t know, three years might’ve been a better move, but what do I know?

Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (25) and legs (8), and 3rd homer in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!

Adrian Sampson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Streamonator hates Sampson — maybe because he cut his hair? — but I could see grabbing him for his next start.

Joey Meneses – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and third homer in the last four games. Oh, I see, Meneses isn’t hot every 28 days, he’s hot for 28 days straight. Important distinction when you’re getting your Meneses!

Edward Cabrera – Left yesterday’s start with an ankle injury. Better call an EdCab.

Steven Kwan – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (6) and double legs (18, 19), hitting .298. You gotta be honest, when I ranked him in the top 80 outfielders back in February, you thought I had slightly lost my mind. Turned out, I absolutely lost my mind, but more about my ranking of Dylan Carlson than Kwan.

Dane Dunning – Will undergo season-ending arthroscopic hip surgery. Rangers are unsure if he’ll be ready for Opening Day. You might say Dane is done’ing.

Madison Bumgarner – Won’t pitch again this season, ending on a high note. Sorry, “high note” there is not being used as it normally would. I mean he had a 4.88 ERA, which is high.

Drey Jameson – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.98. His velocity was down a little in Sunday’s start, but his sliders are pretty nasty, and now I’m absolutely monocle’ing for 2023.

J.D. Davis – 4-for-5 and his 10th homer. Jonathan Davis Davis was a triple triple short of the cycle cycle.

Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer. Macho Macho Manny!

Brandon Drury – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 28th homer. Felt like he came down a bit in the 2nd half, so I did a quick double check on today’s installment of…My thoughts vs. Reality! Turns out my thoughts were right and reality was…well, reality was right too, I guess.

Michael Kopech – Rick Hahn said it’s “up in the air” if Kopech returns this year. Not “up in the hair” that’s James Karinchak.

Luis Robert – Hit the IL with “has been injured for the last three months maybe we should IL him.” Seemed to finally catch up to him trying to play through a sprained wrist by not playing five of seven days each week. By the way, La Russa update:

Davis Martin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. White Sox feel like they need an emotional lift like they got when La Russa was first sidelined. Maybe send the White Sox a note that says, “La Russa won’t return next year either if the White Sox are above .500 the rest of the way.” As for Davis Martin, Streamonator call, and it hates his next, and I don’t disagree.

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Yes, absolutely has been hot schmotato’ing for about a month now, but you know what the fun takeaway here is? Someone’s going to draft him way too early next year on the strength of this September and we are going to laugh.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.06. For those just joining us (though, gotta be honest, weird time to check in for first time on a fantasy baseball site), Cease was a preseason sleeper of mine (along with Shane McClanahan, and countless others). If I were you, I’d listen to everything I say on pitching too.

Tyler Alexander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.68. You think you’re old? Every time I go to write this guy’s name I instead write Doyle Alexander. For what it’s Cronenworth, Streamonator doesn’t like his next, but I put in bids to grab Alexander in a bunch of weekly FAAB leagues.

Michael Grove – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.07. When Dustin May was IL’d, I looked at grabbing Grove without knowing anything about him just simply because the Dodgers can turn Andrew Heaney into the greatest strikeout arm and Tony Gonsolin into a 1.75 ERA pitcher.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-1. Coolwhip covered for Pants (as Cool Long Johns?) on the Friday roundup and gave you his Albert Pujols fantasy, and I don’t have much to add. I did see a lot of people talk about what Pujols could’ve done if he was never in Anaheim, which got me thinking: What could Mike Trout do without Anaheim? So, I extrapolated out the stats and Mike Trout currently has 900 homers! Just this year! Incredible! Luis Rengifo has 698 homers, by the way. Will be fun to see if he gets to 700 homers.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. One of my awful preseason bets was Teoscar winning AL MVP. Can he edge out Judge and Ohtani? Fingers tightly crossed!

George Springer – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .264. Not a bad season for a guy who returns 450,000 results when you google “George Springer elbow.”

Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer, hitting .293. Kirk told that ball to beam itself up!

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.51. To all the people drafting McClanananananananan next year in the top five starters, I’d like to shake your hand, wish you luck and tell ya, “It won’t be me.”

Shane Baz – Will undergo Tommy John surgery, and miss 2023. I volunteer my services as the Bad News Guy. As the Bad News Guy, I go to a team, listen as the doctor says a player needs Tommy John surgery in, say, May. Then, I give the team and player three days to come to the only right conclusion — have Tommy John. If they don’t, they send in me, the Bad News Guy, I tell them, “Bad news, you need Tommy John surgery.” None of this crap where players wait five months to come to the same conclusion and waste another entire year. I’m also available for Bar Mitzvahs. “Bad news, you’re only going to get more awkward as you age.”