Paris Dishing Out Some Batatouille

Yesterday, Kyren Paris (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer. At the worst, a hot schmotato. At the best, he’s hosting the last Olympics in his brain and we’re all Raygun. At most realistic, he’ll be hot for a few weeks until teams figure him out. At the most illuminating, I just realized Gaylord Perry was like saying, “Gay paree,” casually. At his most fact-based, Kyren Paris is a 23-year-old with 50-steal speed on a team that will run a lot. He also hit 14 HRs in Double-A, so the power might not be completely absurd. He’s making good contact right now, but his minor league numbers say that’ll end and he hit .167 in the minors, so, I don’t know, that’s awful. At his most fantasy-based, he should be picked up in all leagues until he falls off, which appears likely, but maybe not eminent. Or as Paris would say, “Voila!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonny DeLuca – Expected to miss two to four weeks with a shoulder strain. Don’t be mad, son; be Mangum.

Junior Caminero – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. 29 more and we good, Junior, said like Tony Soprano.

Shane Baz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.38. He is so nasty. I’m talking about his weird frosted facial hair. He’s also nasty with his pitches.

Zac Veen – 1-for-4 as he was recalled from Triple-A Al Albuquerque. Just gave you my Zac Veen fantasy.

Brenton Doyle – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (1). He reminded me of Brenda from 90210 and that reminded me that Shannen Doherty is dead. Gosh, Brenton, stop bumming me out.

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Escaped Coors with my shirt, now watch him go vs. the White Sox and give up, like, 17 ER.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. William Contreras (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer and Brice Turang (1-for-4, 3rd homer) has a hit in every game. 162-game hitting streak would be a record. Just putting it out there.

Sean Murphy – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer as he was activated from the IL. You gotta love when a guy returns for the 1st game of the week for his team so you don’t miss a homer on your IL happening on Sunday in a weekly league, right? That is glorious. We should have a glossary term for that. Suggest in the comments.

Chris Sale – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.75 vs. Zack Wheeler – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.44. Should’ve been a two-sided, double gorge hump day like Jennifer Connelly in Requiem, ended up a flippin’ mess. Also, I know about Johan Rojas letting a double drop in front of him. How was that not an error? Because he didn’t touch? Are you kidding? Can scorer’s not think independently?

Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and a double short of the cycle. What’s even more fun? He’s hitting cleanup!

George Springer – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Got off to a nice start this season. He’ll be terrible by May. No, no maybes. This is an absolute.

Easton Lucas – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.00 in 10 1/3 IP. So, Jays can only produce good starters for their first year in the majors? The more random the better? Lucas appears to be a Quad-A player who is throwing lights-out baseball right now. It makes no sense, and I don’t trust it, but I’d likely stream him until he actually is bad vs. looking bad on paper.

Jackson Merrill – Hit the IL with a hamstring injury. Sounds minor, which I say into the mirror and my reflection says, “Does that make it better?”

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Left the game after tweaking his shoulder. Shildt said, “Everything seems intact.” That’s either oddly reassuring or not, and I’m not sure which.

Dylan Cease – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 7.98. What’s another word for “make the pain stop?” Wait, I know, Cease!

Manny Machado – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. I’m still in a “Cease ruined my life with his start” rage, I need to move on.

JJ Bleday – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Yeah, that’s fine, you can lower him into the velociraptor cage–Wait! Hold on! Bleday moved! He’s alive!”

Jeffrey Springs – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Nice start but I’m currently more scared of Bing Bong Stadium in SacTown than I am of Coors.

Clay Holmes – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.30. This was his best start of the year. It was against the MIA Marlins and home and not actually that good.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That leaves Gunnar Henderson as the last remaining 1st round pick without a home run. But who’s counting?! Haha! [begins reading The Bell Jar, sticks head in oven]

Derek Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. A catch he made later in the game was the real highlight of his day. Though, I’m not sure why he was playing so far in. Though, Part 2: Another One Of Thoughs, I guess just enjoy it.

James Wood – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in past two games. In the name of our Lord, Brad, please let Wood be #1 Breakout King!

Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Why was he being drafted two to three rounds after Skenes? Is he really that much worse?

Pablo Lopez – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.62, but left the game with a sore hammy. Sounds like he stole Kermit’s lady.

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.44. Seriously, Ragans is that much worse?

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. He makes it seem so easy, but maybe I just happen to be his biggest fan.

Willson Contreras – 0-for-4, hitting .093. Put Kris Bryant, Javier Baez and Willson Contreras on the same team and they break a 100+ year World Series curse. Separate, they’re making nuns curse.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Won’t even talk about how underrated Gray is. Him Gray, but him Grey too, now that I think about it.

Ben Lively – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 3 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Take that Justin Baldoni!

Shane Smith – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.54. Super small sample — that’s what she said derisively! — but a 7 K/9, 3.9 BB/9 is just not good, and even if the sample size was 5 IP instead of 11 IP, I just don’t think a great pitcher would be that poor. Streamonator hates him too, and I don’t see the point.

Zach Eflin – Shut down with a lat strain. Jared Jones had a lat strain last year and missed six weeks. Hopefully, Eflin doesn’t have Jones’s lat. Or UCL.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. If he goes 40/70 while not being on any of my teams, I will lose my shizz. More than already.

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.50 vs. Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.12. This matchup was billed as, “Neither of these teams have hitting and they’re in the MLB-worst hitters’ park. Go figure.”

Victor Robles – Out for 12 weeks with a fractured shoulder. Wooooooooo…[climbs to the top of the Space Needle]…ooooooooof.

Josh Jung – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Yesterday, Josh H. Smith (1-for-3, 2 runs) got the start too, which is interesting, but Burger’s not going to sit out indefinitely, without us getting botulism.

Wyatt Langford – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and left the game after striking out. He has a sore side, and he had an oblique strain in the spring. Did Jung touch his oblique?

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2). Looks to be headed for one of those 25-homer seasons he has and not one of those 16-homer seasons he just had.

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.06. Six innings, six baserunners, six Ks [raises crucifix to player page] Oh, 6.06 ERA. Thank God. Streamonator loved this start, hates his next one, i.e., move on.

Matt McLain – Hit the IL, but of course. Without the IL, he’d be Mcan. Clearly, he Mcan’t.

Noelvi Marte – Called up by the Reds (with Will Benson). I don’t know his (their) playing time. Could Noelvi Marte finally make good on his promise? If there’s playing time, I suppose. And if he’s good finally. If ands and buts were candy and nuts, I’d be a diabetic squirrel. In Triple-A, Noelvi was hitting .353 with a .414 BABIP and 15 K%. The K% is interesting, he was striking out a lot more in the minors in prior seasons. Maybe he did unlock something. Maybe he’s a Quad-A player and won’t have any playing time. Guess you can grab him, but it’s too soon to know how this is playing out.

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.96. Just pretty, pretty please stay healthy.

Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Seeing my team with Roupp, Mize, Lively, Sonny Gray and this flaming bag of poop where Dylan Cease was. Roupp gets the Phils next time out in Philly, and he hasn’t reached the inner circle of trust yet for that.

Cody Bellinger – Out with food poisoning. Thinks it was some wings he had. I don’t like post-Beatles McCartney either, but damn.

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— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) April 8, 2025 at 8:56 AM

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Ever notice how aces have, like, a 5+ ERA one day then it’s under 4? That’s cheating.

Jake Rogers – Hit the IL with oblique tightness. It’s my side! [slapped across the face] It’s my ribs! [slapped across the face] It’s my side! [slapped across the face] Forget it, Jake, it’s oblique tightness. Me and fellow Dillon Dingler fan club members are thrilled. You can find us at Tigers games dressed as poop emojis. We’re the Dingler’s Danglers. We pester with our dangles! You hang one? We hang ’em all! Watch our danglers! You’ve been banged by the Dingler! The chants reverberated. It was beautiful.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Also, in this game, Zach McKinstry (2-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer; Spencer Torkelson (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 3rd homer, and Dillon Dingler (2-for-3) hit his 2nd homer. We pester with our dangles! You hang one? We hang ’em all! Watch our danglers! You’ve been banged by the Dingler!