Corbin Burnes was traded to the Orioles, and, only a few days earlier, Peter Angelos sold the Orioles, saying to the new owners, “Treat this team with the respect she deserves. Every part of her. Down to the staples on this contract. By the way, if you don’t need the staples, I usually take them out and save them so I can use them again down the road. Crazy the amount of people that discard perfectly good staples. I have one staple I used on a court document — someone was suing me for back pay — and I used that one staple, like, sixteen more times.”
So, the AL East just got even stronger. Wouldn’t be surprised to see a 100-win team come in 3rd in the AL East, and an 84-win team win the AL Central. Goofy stuff, indeed. The deal itself was:
Feels light for the Brewers but you have to figure the owner signed off on it for one reason https://t.co/4XJMEzMK4J pic.twitter.com/vf61SEjdk3
— Razzball (@Razzball) February 2, 2024
Seems ridiculously short on the return. Burnes, on the other hand, is an ace. This doesn’t change him. If anything, it strengthens him because Camden Miles is such a huge park. Still wouldn’t draft him, but I imagine this will only make it harder for some people to not do just that. He was updated in the top 20 starters. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:
DL Hall – Traded to the Brewers. Hall’s either going to replace Devin Williams when he’s randomly traded, because the Brewers are in constant rebuild mode, or Hall is going to be a sexy eh-eff starter, because the Brewers do nothing but churn out lights-out starters. Hall’s shown terrible command as a starter, and impeccable control as a reliever, so what do we see? Hate to cop out, but somewhere in the middle? Prolly. His stuff is good enough to draft as a flyer, and the Brewers didn’t just trade Burnes for him to make him their rando 7th inning guy. He was updated in the top 100 starters.
Jakob Junis – Signed by the Brewers. Brewers have a whole rotation of “on another team, this guy is a long man out of the pen.” Seriously, they have Wade Miley, Peralta and pray for a shortened game.
Joey Ortiz – Traded to the Brewers. He looks like every middle infidel you don’t really want in fantasy, but has value because he goes 12/12/.270 with counting stats. He’s Jeff McNeil but with upside. Call him Jeff McCeiling. Likely better in real baseball, but only barely. He was added to the 2nd basemen rankings.
Rhys Hoskins – Signed with the Brewers. So, I kinda love this signing for Hoskins’s value. You know how people try to accentuate their tan by holding a sheet of aluminum foil in front of their face? You don’t? Hmm, maybe it’s a Jersey thing. Any hoo! Do that, but with Launch Angles! Reflect Hoskins’s Launch Angle onto Yelich! Then you’d have one perfect, 2019 Yelich again! It’s brilliant! Thank me later. If the aluminum foil reflection trick doesn’t work, can Hoskins’s Launch Angle sneeze on Yelich? No? Okay. So, I do like this move for Hoskins’s value, but he still has to be healthy, which we can’t say 100% yet. This is about as perfect a landing spot as you’re gonna find for him though. Updated in the 1st basemen rankings.
Gary Sanchez – Signed with the Brewers. “I will slip and nay-nay when the crowd cheers yay yay.” That’s Bernie Brewer talking about going down the slide on Gary Sanchez homers. Solid landing spot for Sanchez, as he should have DH and backup catcher at-bats. Catchers rankings updated.
Teoscar Hernandez – Signed with…can you guess? There’s one team in the major leagues. Can you guess their name? It sounds like Rodgers. Fodgers? No, not Fodgers. That’s what Goldmember called his father. It’s the Dodgers! Damn, I thought you would’ve guessed that. The hilarious thing is I googled how many teams are there in MLB and there are 29 other baseball teams, supposedly! Can you name another team that signed someone this offseason? I didn’t think so! Okay, enough of the foolery, Tommy Boy, we have a Teoscar to hand out in Los Angeles…the best pitcher Teoscar goes to…A joke I will make 32 times this year! Or thereabouts, depending on how many ding-dongs he puts up. I love Teoscar, but maybe a skosh more than is warranted. He does average, like, 25 homers a year with a .255 average. It’s not exactly incredible, but he is in the best park and team to succeed. Updated in the top 40 outfielders.
James Paxton – Signed with the Dodgers. Well, they can’t all be winners, pronounced like weiner and the best weiners are Dodger Dogs, whoa. This signing kinda jams up the Dodgers’ 5th rotation spot for more interesting names (Sheehan, Stone), but, reality of the shituation, they’re all one big combo meal of 5th starters. Plus, the Dodgers will be in a six man rotation for the majority of the season, if I had to guess. He was updated in the top 100 starters.
Joey Gallo – Signed with the Nats. Gallo seems like one of the good guys in baseball, but an awful signing. Just a prospblock. Nats should be ashamed of themselves. Why wouldn’t you play Kieboom or Yepez and see what you have? Not saying they’re great, but see what you have! Just such a Giant Dummy Organization. I hate GDOs.
Shota Imanaga – Signed with the Cubs. You know what this means? The Cubs are not gonna waste their–No, they’re not going to waste their–Shota is 30 years old, and has years of iffiness in Japan (unlike Yamamoto). Recently, Shota’s been lights outa. Last year, he went 2.66 ERA, 1.02 WHIP with 188 Ks in 159 IP, that’s 10.6 K/9 and 1.4 BB/9. He works off a 94.4 MPH fastball (maxes out at 96.2); 73.1 MPH curve; a 84 MPH splitter and 82.8 MPH slider. You basically need to be the eliteiest (it’s a word because I say so!) of the eliteiest to make it work here, and I think he’s just below that level. He gave up a few too many homers in NPB — here’s a comp: Yamamoto allowed two homers all year; Shota gave up 18. In Wrigley? He could get bombed out. His command is solid, but Yu Darvish was a 0.83 WHIP pitcher in Japan before coming here. Shota’s ranked around the same spot on our Steamer rankings, and I feel comfortable with him being a fantasy five to six. In shallower leagues, if you wanted to reach for him to be a number four? Sure, that’s fine, but I’m expecting some blow ups. He was updated in the top 80 starters.
Michael Busch – Traded to the Cubs. There’s a sign on the Cubs’ front office wall that reads, “Don’t ever play Mervis.” When members of the front office come to work, they must tap the sign. So, like a 70’s porn director, my teams might have a lot of Busch. I was originally out on him when he was on the Dodgers, but his Statcast plays well: a potential 91-92 MPH EV AVG, 12% walk rate, 27% K-rate guy, who could hit in the .240 to .260 range with power. Schwarber without the huge drain on average, but an almost guaranteed platoon. He was updated in the top 20 3rd basemen.
Jordan Hicks – Signed with the Giants. They said they’re going to let him be a starter. You, “Hicks’s stats are so good, if you prorate that out to 150 IP, he’s an ace!” That’s true! Reminds me of the time [a team name] said [insert player name] would be stretched out to be a starter and [insert player name] got to about March 15th as a starter, then went back to relieving. Like Hicks value more as a setup man for Doval, but I’ll be their huckleberry for now and pretend he’s a starter. That leaves us with how many innings he is even capable of throwing. FanGraphs has him at 115 IP; Rudy has him at 81 2/3 IP; I have him at: 2024 Projections: 7-4/3.44/1.33/106 in 91 IP, and ranked in the top 100 starters.
Robbie Ray – Traded to the Giants. Robbie Ray, in those skintight pants, in San Fran? Oh daddy’s gonna eat for free if he wants. Solid pickup for 2025, but I don’t see him getting enough innings for 2024 to be a viable draft pick, so he’s unranked in the top 100 starters and unprojected.
David Robertson – Signed with the Rangers. Welp, there goes the Rangers’ clear plan to go with P.W. Leclerc as their closer. JKJ has his bullpen chart updated, but I don’t agree with his Rangers’ pen, as you can see from my top 500.
Corey Seager – Had hernia surgery. *cough, cough* “Not great.” That was the nurse. I wonder if I’ll still get a lot of people complaining I’m too low on Seager in my rankings. He is supposed to return around Opening Day. I’m leaving him where I have him for now in shortstops rankings, but that might change if we get close to the season and he’s got no ETA.
Matt Carpenter – Signed with the Cards. Love this move for the Cardinals. Every team has to have one mustachioed man, based on the new rules, and the Cards got one of the best.
Alex Wood – Signed with the VegA’s. I can see the big, bright neon signs already: Come To Vegas For Wood. Hmm, maybe those signs are already at Spearmint Rhino. Wood has some of the worst peripherals I’ve ever seen and now on a team that might lose 110 games, so pull pud and pass on Wood.
Ross Stripling – Traded to the A’s. Soon to be Vegas Stripling. He had a 5.36 ERA last year and now goes to a team that might give him two wins in 30 starts? Hmm, gonna pass!
Mitch Haniger – Traded to the Mariners. Could he have one more year where he stays healthy for 155+ games? No. To give you a little longer reasoning: Nooooooooooooo. Updated in the top 100 outfielders.
Luke Raley – Traded to the Mariners. Dipoto saw a market inefficiency and will head into the 2024 season with Julio Rodriguez and 8 DHs. Updated in the 1st basemen rankings.
Jorge Polanco – Traded to the Mariners. Dipoto wanted JoPo? That makes JoPoto! Is that something? It sounds like a tertiary character in the Star Wars universe. “You remember when JoPoto was in the Cantina with Greedo?” Sincerely, you say, “No, I don’t, nerd.” I saw that Polanco was traded to the Mariners and the first thing I did was look at their projected lineup, and I saw Polanco hitting third and I did a small little cackle. Um, okay. I guess in theory, but he still hasn’t been able to stay on the field and the park doesn’t get better in Seattle. I upped his projections a little, but I’m still far from excited for him. Updated him in the 2nd basemen rankings. Also, updated Willi Castro, because Polanco left.
Gregory Santos – Traded to the M’s, which is whatever, I guess. Oh, wait a second, he was the White Sox closer. Looking at the bullpen chart to see who their closer is now…BREBBIA! That looks like an internet acronym for “Be right back I’m going to vomit.” Closers are all projected in my top 500.
Anthony DeSclafani – Traded to the Twins. Disco is one of those guys who is way more valuable in AL-Only leagues than you’d guess and has little to no value in mixed leagues, outside of occasional streams.
Carlos Santana – Signed with the Twins. I always say stuff about Baldelli being a Big Big Dummy platooning nearly everyone, but I bet Santana is like the one guy besides Correa that isn’t platooned. Doesn’t mean he (or Correa) stays on the field, though to add a caveat on a caveat, Santana has had better health than 90% of the Twins’ lineup. Updated in the 1st basemen rankings.
Jose Caballero – Traded to the Rays. In my top 20 2nd basemen, I end the post with Taylor Walls, and it’s between Caballero and Walls for shortstop — Cabwallero? They’re not that dissimilar either. Walls is coming back from hip surgery, but due to be ready for Opening Day. Why I ranked Walls and not Caballero is simply because Walls has better matchups for Cash. If you want Caballero instead of Walls, then Caballero to your heart’s desire!
Richie Palacios – Traded to the Rays.
“Siri, what does Palacios mean?”
“A platoon?”
Hope not for Siri’s case. It’s impossible to rank or project Palacios until we see how things shake out in the spring. My guess is it’s Aranda or Palacios at DH for the Rays, but we’ll see. Neither will be full-time players either way.
Yariel Rodriguez – Signed with the Jays. Finally, the Jays get their big import from Japan! Going from Ohtani to Yariel Rodriguez is like going from listening to Taylor Swift to listening to an old man talk about how Taylor Swift is ruining the NFL. Yariel hasn’t thrown more than 100 IP since 2018, and has spent the last few years in Japan as a reliever. I’d guess the Jays use him as a long man, and he doesn’t have much fantasy value as of right now.
Sean Manaea – Signed with the Mets. He becomes the 2nd Samoan Mets player of all-time. The first was Bartolo Colon–Oh, wait, he just ate Samoa cookies. That’s my bad. Manaea feels like Quintana, Part Deux. Call him Josecanyouseeifyou Squintana. He was updated in the top 100 starters.
Harrison Bader – Signed with the Mets. Something I’m not totally clear on is why Bader is largely forgotten in early drafts. We’re talking an ADP of 600 overall. He makes more sense at the leadoff spot than Nimmo, and way more than McNeil, and, even if he’s batting at the bottom of the order, he hit 12 homers and stole 37 bags combined in his last 600-ish ABs. Will he ever stay on the field for 600 ABs? No, but he’s decent when he is healthy. Updated in the top 80 outfielders.
Shintaro Fujinami – Signed with the Mets. The Mets’ moves seem informed by darts thrown at a board. His ERA last year was 7.18, sooooo…we’ll see I guess.
Marcus Stroman – Signed with the Yankees. If you’re into real life drama, then may I suggest you grab some popcorn because, gurrrl, The Stroman Show with the Yanks is going to be us sippin’ tea like we got Tetley stock. Looking forward to the boos after he gives up four earned in five innings and flips off the Hasids coming up the tunnel. If none of that makes any sense to you, bless your smooth brain, I wish I had it. For fantasy? Meh, he’s okay for ratios and maybe wins. Hopefully his hip is fine, because it clearly hurt his usually pinpoint control. He never strikes out many, which is fine, but if his command isn’t there, it could be tough sledding. I’m fine with the flyer for a 5th fantasy starter, but the upside here seems slight, like him standing. He was updated in the top 80 starters.
Joc Pederson – Signed with the Diamondbacks. Tommy Pham is punching air right now. “Those DBags!!!” That’s Tommy Pham yelling at his phone, while reading the signing news. Pederson has one of the clearest downward career trajectories I’ve seen, and he’s no longer great, if he ever was. Updated in the top 100 outfielders.
Miguel Sano – Signed with the Angels. Wow, just that easy to replace Ohtani’s lost production. Well done.
Aaron Hicks – Signed with the Angels. Finally, a platoon bat for Trout! Angels are making some incredibly astute moves this offseason. Don’t let them know Fernando Rodney’s attempting a comeback. Angels said Hicks will be an everyday player, which is so goddamn funny I can’t even. Moving on before I turn into a skull emoji.
Trey Cabbage – Angels released him, then the Astros were like, “Uh, the Angels signed Aaron Hicks and released Cabbage, who just went 30/30 last year in Triple-A?” The Astros acquired Cabbage in a trade that will absolutely look terrible in retrospect. Lettuce count the ways.
Woo-Suk Go – Signed by the Padres. She Suk on my Woo until I Go. Padres stocking up on late-inning Asian imports, after signing Yuki Matsui earlier. I haven’t the faintest how the 9th inning will go for the Padres but my guess is the closer is in this order: Yuki, Suarez then Go. My rationale is Yuki was paid to be the closer, Go wasn’t, and Suarez is kinda whatever, and he was there last year and didn’t even get one vulture save (I know Hader was there, but there’s guys who are still there that got vulture saves before Suarez). Any hoo! Woo-Suk Go is projected in the top 500.
Prelander Berroa – Traded to the White Sox. First off, I loved The Highlander, so I can’t wait to see the prequel, Prelander. If you see my top 500, you can sort by White Sox and RP and see I have Berroa as the lead there for saves, if only barely.
Brett Phillips – Signed with the White Sox. Hey, 25 of 30 teams aren’t trying, so not picking on the White Sox, but their owner is 87 years old. Is he installing bank drawers in his casket?
