I went over some September call-ups primer yesterday. It was written pretty smoothly. Meaning: I took a laxative and crapped out a post. I’m a modest man of modest means. What can I say? Everyone wants Yoan Moncada all over their fantasy shizz. Some of y’all got Tom Murphy on the brain. Others of you are wondering about Jose De Leon and how his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-uncle’s quest for the Fountain of Youth was shorter than the time it took the Dodgers to call Jose up. None of you are interested in Byron Buxton. Been there, eff that. I hear you, prematurely balding internet friend. He’s all served us a steak that later turned out to be tofu that left us scrubbing our tongues with our fingernails. All the way back in March, Buxton was still considered a sure-fire, can’t miss prospect. I think he still is. Not everyone takes the path of least resistance. For unstints, I saw a video of a McNugget on Twitter that showed much resistance. Yesterday, Buxton went 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and I would grab him in all leagues looking for A) Spark. B) Speed. C) No C. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! I called him a hot schmotato earlier this week, this afternoon I say he’s a Buy, next week, Plouffe returns to the French onomatopoeia word for the splash sound poop makes when it hits toilet water.
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 2 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.54. He tied owners to the WHIPping post while shouting, “Your safety word does you no good here!” Wow, Ervin is aggressive.
Tim Anderson – Left the game with a bruised calf. Hope his calf veals better.
Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.05. 2014: 3.32 ERA; 2015: 3.36 ERA; 2016: needs a few more blowups to touch down in his 3.30 airstrip.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 34th homer, hitting .215. He’s been downright donkey-ish this year. I will call him Honkey Donkey.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Someone commented yesterday how if Abreu gets to 25 homers by the end of the year, a lot will be forgiven. It’s true. Bad, circuitous route to get there, but at the end of the season it just matters if a guy gets there.
Fernando Salas – Was traded Wednesday night, apparently after I started watching Mr. Robot, or I would’ve made note of it already. J.C. Ramirez should be the first in line to get saves. His name is not short for Jesus Christ SAGNOFstar. It’s not even, Jimmy “I was Jesus’ Brother” Christ SAGNOFmediocrity. Deolis Guerra could even see some saves, who is more like Delottery Ticket.
Yan Gomes – Ready for games at Double-A Akron. Or as I like to call it, Aakron.
Zack Greinke – Diamondbacks will not consider a Greinke trade. Of course not! If we’ve learned nothing else from this Diamondbacks’ management, they will not backpedal off of mistakes, they will only throttle forward. Can’t wait for the offseason trade of Goldy for Kyle Hendricks.
Marcell Ozuna – Still out due to his sore wrist. Games he missed, Ozuna owners are pissed, wanna make Ozuna hist, lighten the mood with commercials from Sierra Mist. Boi!
Justin Bour – Could return from the DL sometime next week. I’m not gonna run out and grab Bour, not simply because gerunding him is Bour’ing.
Jose Urena – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Let’s just say if there was more than four games yesterday, I wouldn’t even be talking about Joe Urethra*. *Getting ready for when Trump takes over and outlaws Hispanic names. Lo siento mi Latino hermanos and cinco hermanas!
Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (18) and double legs (7, 8), and now has three homers in three straight games since he started batting in the cleanup slot. Elias Sports Bureau said Yelich now has more home runs than pubic hair.
Yoenis Cespedes – 0-for-1 as he pinch hit, since he’s still not 100% and resting his quad injury. He’s having a hard time pinpointing the injury. The Human Cespedes says the offending quad is likely somewhere between leg 87 and 93.
Neil Walker – Confirmed he will have back surgery. The doctor has already placed tennis balls on the bottom of Walker’s feet.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 5th homer in his last seven games. Damn, I haven’t seen someone this hot since a June I spent with Ty Wigginton.
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.04. He’s gonna finish with a 3.30+ ERA and next March people are going to look at that and be like, “Damn, I thought he was an ace.” Then those same people in April are going to be like, “Damn, I thought he already had Tommy John surgery.”
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .251. It’s funny (not funny) how teams go out and get a big bat, or what they perceive to be a big bat, rather than just playing someone like Michael Conforto (1-for-3). I know, I know, Bruce has been better than Conforto this year, but for the months of August and September there’s no saying Conforto wouldn’t have been as good.
John Lackey – Expected back on Sunday. Lackey’s backy, where’s my Doritos? I need a snacky. I have my head buried in a Rhyming Dictionary today, huh?
Jeff Samardzija – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.06. Samardzija the only muthaeffer to go to the NL and do the same zija, different day. Walking around like your feces smells like Reese’s Pieces. It doesn’t, Samardzija! It does not.
Hunter Pence – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. The wind was blowing out in Wrigley which is not to take anything away from his homer. It’s actually to say how more difficult it was for The Gangly Manbird because he had to stop himself from inadvertently flapping off the ground.
Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. Huh? I thought this guy retired after the All-Star break. Interesting.
Mallex Smith – Oh, joy, he begins rehab. Hopefully he doesn’t have dyslexia and binges Joy Behar. Bee tee dubya, could they make dyslexia harder to spell? Don’t these people have enough to worry about?
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .289. He’s got an outside chance at 85 RBIs, and is 15th in the majors for RBIs in the 2nd half, which, considering he was 131st in the 1st half, is a huge improvement. Braves overall have been hitting better, which is either a product of Freeman or Freeman is a product of that. You say chicken, I say egg, let’s call the whole thing off.
Adonis Garcia – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Since I’ve mentioned him 27 times this week, you’d likely infer he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but, when you infer, you’re just short of inferior. Grey’s making idioms!
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Fun fact! Ender got his name because he was a breech birth.
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.31. I’ve never seen the Stream-o-Nator even halfway interested in Faultywirewitz, but yesterday it had a semi. Not sure what a semi is in robot world. Maybe like when you try to stack magnetic lug nuts and they tilt slightly over.
Mike Trout – Was in a car accident Wednesday night, but walked away from it fine. He then apologized to the other driver, saying he wished he could run around the world a few times to turn back time to avoid the accident, but the Angels put a clause in his contract forbidding it.