We hear, “Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels…” as the Think Different commercial plays. The middle of a black onyx stage opens, and slowly someone rises. First, we see their Yankees cap, then the glorious sheen, black-as-night mustache, which blinds us, it’s so beautiful. Finally, we see it’s Nestor Cortes Jr. in a black turtleneck and dad jeans. Nestor clicks on the microphone that is around his ear. “Thank you, Ashton Kutcher, for that lovely intro. Now, as many of you are wondering, how am I on the Yankees, and their no facial policy, with this gorgeous mustache. That answer is quite simple, actually. It’s due to my incredibly fast-growing facial hair. I shave every morning. I want to direct you now to my 500-slide Powerpoint explaining how my mustache grows in so fast.” Not only does Nestor Cortes Jr. have a fast-growing mustache like he’s out of the 1970s, he also has a 1970s vibe to his pitching. His release point changes with just about every pitch. Is his father, Nestor Orlando El Duque Hernandez Cortes Sr.? Last night, Cortes went 6 1/3, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.60 in just under 80 IP, which is nothing to sneeze out, unless you’re allergic to quality fantasy starters. The worry with Cortes, much like it was with El Duque, he throws about 89 MPH. It’s a precarious game trying to keep MLB hitters off balance all the time. So far, Cortes has done it, and I’d try him for the rest of this year. For 2022 fantasy, Nestor Cortes Jr. feels like a guy who could be exposed as a gimmick. Now, excuse me, I want to get back to watching his mustache PowerPoint. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gio Urshela – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Sometimes I go to karaoke and order up Ready for the World’s Oh Shiela, but sing Ur Shela. Just me? Hmm.
Austin Hays – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. There’s another universe where Mullins doesn’t exist, and, in that universe, Hays is all anyone talks about (when discussing Orioles’ outfielders). In that universe, everyone has a mustache except me and everywhere I go people hiss.
Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55. He was the first Brewers starter to allow a hit before the 5th inning since Houser’s start on Friday. More like Brandon Woodscrub!
Matt Manning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.75. Was wondering if the Tigers or O’s had the worst team ERA, so I did a google and Tigers aren’t close. They’re almost a middle of the league ERA. The O’s ERA though is 5.94! If one pitcher had a 5.94, they should be DFA’d. Their entire staff is that bad! And that’s with John Means!
Tanner Houck – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.75. It was the Mariners! What the Houck.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 28th homer. Yo, does everyone know there’s a football player named Hunter Renfrow? Is that allowed? That seems like a copyright infringement. Will be contacting the first attorney I see who is advertising on a park bench.
Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. So, not to take you too far down the Loose Change-conspiracy-hole-of-whoa, but if you separate Gonzales’s name it becomes “Gon Zales” and Zales’s slogan is “Our Love Is A Diamond” and he pitches on a diamond. I just got goosepimples up and down my arm.
Tylor Megill – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.57. Imagine a fish flapping on a boat, sucking wind, screaming, “Megill.” That’s how that stream went for me. He was overdue to be terrible, just wish it was later vs. sooner.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-5 and his 33rd homer. Albombso! He just missed another homer too, which was robbed by Nootbaar, as Lars said, “NOOT again.”
Harrison Bader – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. From just watching the Cards, I see Bader get so many terrible hits, I was like, “This guy must be bottom of the league in some key categories,” then I looked at Statcast, and, oh boy, yeah, he’s terrible. Not to knock the hustle, but, without the hustle, he’d have no knocks.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Au Shizz!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer, hitting .256. I just got my Jordan rookie card graded. Mint! Here, I’ll show you, I have sitting on the ledge of that open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Edmundo Sosa – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 6th homer. My patience is wearing thin waiting for the Cubs to sign a McGwire to pair with the Cards’ Sosa.
Kyle Farmer – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. Farmer’s having one of those years where he’s been solid for NL-Only leagues, and virtually unrosterable in mixed leagues.
Vince Velasquez – Signed with the Padres. A.J. Preller hashtag bossbabe.
Steven Duggar – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. That’s one homer for each of his kids.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-2 and his 25th homer. Also, in this game, Brandon Belt (2-for-5) hit his 25th homer, as well. Together, they have 50 homers. Grey does math. Check it out.
Max Muncy – 2-for-5 and his 34th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. The Max Munciest.
Mike Trout – Unlikely to return this year. Yeah, can understand that. He did have a six-to-eight week injury about five months ago.
Brandon Marsh – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Ton of homers yesterday, but not seeing a lot of makings of schmotatoes. Cust kayin’ if you’re wondering if I’m looking for them. I look at the last week for every player who homers or gets four hits. Trust.
Yoan Moncada – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .269. Mentioned many times before I traded Jake Diekman (member when he was a thing) for Moncada about four months ago. Would still do it, but Moncada has been such a poison pill. Want to hold him, but he truly has not been good.
Huascar Ynoa – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.26. From Yoan to Ynoa, because my brain is scrambled. Streamonator loved this start of Ynoa’s, and I did too, if being honest. His next one looks promising too, though SON doesn’t like that one.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Maybe a light schmotato, but Rosario will not play every day, so you have to watch the lineups.
Frank Schwindel – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .337. Yes, grab for this year. But for 2022, I can already feel the March comments of, “Grey, handsome face, but why so low on Schwindel? Don’t you think he can repeat?”
Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.50. His only mistake was not having this season in the last two months last year so he could’ve won the NL Cy Young.
Freddy Galvis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. He’s the type to hit one homer, then continue to hit homers for the next week, until he’s no longer hitting them, so might want to get ahead of the schmotato narrative.
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (11), hitting .267. Jerry Tomato is having a great season for fantasy. Not great for the people who drafted him. Just okay for them. But great for everyone else in the league who rolled their eyes when Realmuto was drafted way too early.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 44th homer. He’s one homer away from matching Johnny Bench’s record for homers by a catcher. When he does that, Sal Perez gets a Saturday morning show with a giant chicken. Sorry, rules are rules.
Andrew Benintendi – 5-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and hitting near-.350 for the month. It’s with much regret I must inform you, Benintendi is schmoldering hot.
Cal Quantrill – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.89. He was nearly the lede, but meh on Ks and he gave up three unearned, so Nestor rose. Any hoo! Streamonator doesn’t like Quantrill’s next start and I’d start him 100% of the time until further notice.
Franmil Reyes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, and only needs 11 more for me to get a chest tattoo that reads Feed $54 Vending Machine Steaks Here.
Bobby Bradley – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Gonna be hard for me not to be uncomfortably excited about Swag King Bobby Bradley for next year, even if he’ll prolly be projected for a .218 average. .218 is the new .237, baby!
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .221. This was his 2nd homer in four games, and he’ll hit another home run by end of the day Friday or Nicki Minaj’s cousin doesn’t have giant testicles.
Jose Urquidy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38, in 81 pitches. Was saying this to Podcaster Geoff yesterday over text, that it’s truly impressive how Dusty Baker manages for today’s game, and isn’t throwing pitchers for 140 pitches like he used to do with The Harangutan. As for Urquidy, great, terrific, adjective. How lucky are you feeling he can get through six innings in 80 pitches his next time out?
Kyle Tucker – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 26th homer. And Dusty played a young guy like Tucker without being a *ucker with him. Good for Dusty. Sincerely.
Jake Meyers – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .286. Siri, do you think Meyers will play every day? Sorry, asking Jose, not my iPhone.
Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.64. The Jays might have the Cy Young and MVP. What, are you an Ohtani MVP person? Listen, I like my MVPs to know which position they want to play. My MVP is defined by the three D’s — Determination, Dafundamentals and Decisiveness.
Bo Bichette – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .293. Are we far enough away from Hisashi Iwakuma’s career that I can start reusing slurp-slurp for Boba Chette?
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. This Rays basher bashed Ray. Hmm.
Brett Phillips – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and also homered on Sunday. Could be a light schmotato (or not even play in the next Rays game).
Trevor Rogers – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.71, and his velocity was down on all his pitches. Anyone have any connections to the guy who chooses the music at Marlins games? I’m guessing he’s underpaid and susceptible to bribes. If so, I would like to offer him a hundred bucks to play Public Enemy’s Shut ‘Em Down for Trevor Rogers. Seeing if I can subliminally reach Don Mattingly.
Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .336. He’s going to appear in tomorrow’s Buy column, which is already available on our Patreon.
Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, and five homers in the last six games. Paint a Lord and Savior on my toast because I am becoming a Jesus stan! Jesus Stanchez? Yeah, that’s right!
Kyle Finnegan – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.15, and a massive blown save. What detergent do you use to get out reliever stains?
Josh Bell – 3-for-5, and his 27th homer, hitting .256. Saw his home run yesterday — a moonshot — and tried to make a mental note of how good he looked, so I can think about it during the 2022 preseason aka in July, 2022 after 6 months of grueling CBA negotiations and becoming a golf sharp.
Josh Rogers – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. On Tuesday, it was Peralta vs. Peralta. On Wednesday, we got Trevor Rogers vs. Josh Rogers. Known colloquially as Rogers More. As for Josh, his peripherals are hilariously bad; the Streamonator hates him and I wouldn’t touch him unless desperate.
Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .314. Only two players in MLB history to hit at least 25 homers and get intentionally walked 18 times in a season before turning 23: Sexy Dr. Pepper and Ted Williams. When reached for comment, Ted Williams’ frozen head said, *gurgle, gurgle*
