The Tigers announced that Joe Nathan had a torn UCL and would require season-ending Tommy John surgery.  This could be the end of a once-illustrious career.  To commemorate all that Nathan has done for baseball, this Fourth of July, at Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, they will be eating Nathan’s discarded elbow tendons.  Takeru Kobayashi said, “I’ll be training on udon and Brandon Beachy tendons for the next few months, then a week before I will eat nothing but Sabathia’s knee ligaments to widen my gullet.”  Gotta love that guy’s ambitious spirit.  So, Nathan’s done and Joakim Soria now becomes a top twelve-ish closer with the chance of being top seven-ish by season’s close.  As long as -ish don’t kill my vibe!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Masahiro Tanaka – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  As frequent commenter, Long Bawls, said yesterday, “Not something you want to say in Detroit (or really anywhere, ever), but:  Yes, Masa!”  Tanaka did look good against a you-don’t-need-me-to-tell-you-but-I’m-about-to-anyway dangerous Tigers lineup.  His walk rate is high, velocity is low, torn elbow tendon is torn and his xFIP is almost a run higher than it was last year.  It was a nice start for Tanaka, I still don’t trust him and won’t all year.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The day before the Yankees tagged Price like he was a tenement in Hunts Point and Anibal’s last start was a drubbing where he gave up 9 ER, so, of course, Anibal went out and threw a great game.  I’ll say it for you:  sonavabench!

Kris Bryant – 0-for-3, 1 RBI as he started in center.  You can’t spell Maddon without mad.

Kyle Hendricks – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.74.  I nearly put Hendricks in the Buy column that is coming later today.  His peripherals look like hot butter during a charity sorority car wash:  7.5 K/9, 0.6 BB/9, 3.17 xFIP.  It’s early yadda-cubed, but the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start and I could see it.

Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save.  It’s like watching someone struggle to pick up a bowling ball with their toes in the holes for three days, then they suddenly realize to use their fingers.

Gregory Polanco – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal.  I know he’s not available in any of my leagues, but I get the sense from comments he’s on and off waivers in some leagues.  Um, yeah, he shouldn’t be.

Mike Bolsinger – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Fun fact!  Bolsinger is the nephew of the inventor of the jockstrap, which used to carry his name.  Bolsinger has been great so far in Triple-A (11 IP, 14 K/9, 0.00 ERA; told you it was great).  Unfortch, he throws around 88 MPH and had a 5.50 ERA last year for 52 1/3 IP in the majors, and isn’t that young.  I doubt there’s anything here outside of NL-Only leagues.

Alex Guerrero – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer as he started.  Yes, he actually started the game.  Don’t get too comfortable with Mattingly appearing to make smart decisions, because then Guerrero was lifted in the 7th inning.  At the blink of an eye, Mattingly can reverse course and do stupid again.  Jab smart, jab smart, uppercut dumb and you’re done.  Just that easily.

Justin Turner – 0-for-3 as he hit leadoff because, well, gosh, guys, no one knows.   Joc Pederson (1-for-3) hit eighth because Mattingly is in a chess match with himself and he’s losing.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .414.  Quick, Mattingly, platoon him with Scott Van Slyke!

Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .295.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and if that doesn’t have you running back to read, I don’t know what will! (I’m horrible at marketing.)

Steve Pearce – 0-for-1, hitting .149.  About a week ago, J-FoH accidentally dropped Pearce and panicked because he didn’t mean to.  He emailed all the team owners to please allow him to pick Pearce up again.  Please, he begged.  I at least took pity and responded that it would be fine.  No one else even responded.  Could someone tell J-FoH it’s okay to drop Pearce again?  I think he feels silly.

Julio Teheran – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 4.64.  Uh-oh, Rudy did warn everyone to stay away from Teheran.  I just thought he was being a xenophobe, but it looks like there might be something to it.

Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 8th save.  He’s SAGNOF personified, wrapped in a bow with a jingle-jangle on top of the box.

David Murphy – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs.  It’s now time for everyone’s game that they don’t know the name of but stop when they click past it on the boob tube…Fun With Numbers!  Murphy’s bats fifth in the lineup, hitting .170 so far.  Freddie Freeman (1-for-4, 1 run) hits third or cleanup and is hitting .246.  Who has more RBIs on the year?  Buzz!  Nope, Murphy wins with 9 RBIs.  Freeman will knock in 65 RBIs this year, true or false and please explain your answer.

Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. To celebrate beating the Braves, Colon wore a teepee home.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.33 vs. the people-thought-they-were-good-in-the-preseason Nats.  Wacha looks like his creaky shoulder is less creaky.  He’s not without some risk, but I’ve long been a fan, and now I’m a hat, a brooch or a pterodactyl.

Kolten Wong – 0-for-4 as he was moved up to the six-hole as Jason Heyward in the two hole went 2-for-4, 1 run.  When you get the chance, Wong, you have to keep going up!  I don’t think that’s the first time I’ve said that.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  It’s all coming together now, JB!

Adam Lind – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  So, maybe I shouldn’t have dropped him.  *picks up Hammer, slams Hammer down on foot, explains to MC Hammer that I paid him $1000 to do whatever I wanted with him, Hammer concedes*

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 7.94.  Lohse that is so gauche!  Snap, snap, jazz hands, knock, knock, who’s there, awesome!

Jean Segura – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal, hitting .288 and leadoff.  Don’t look now but his value is starting to show itself.  I said don’t look now, why don’t you ever listen?

Marlon Byrd – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .127.  “Yes, you can play awful once they trade you.  I know, it’s great!”  That’s Marlon talking to Cole Hamels on a hotel phone while he twirls the cord.

Jose Bautista – Didn’t play yesterday, but doesn’t expect to go to the DL.  Whew!  So, I guess this voodoo doll I got from that shrunken-headed Jamaican does work!  …Does work!  Does…work!  Oh well, no suitcase of cash at my feet, so jury’s still on our shrunken-headed friend.

Dioner Navarro – To the DL.  I checked the news source twice to make sure it didn’t say, “To the DH.”  It’s definitely to the DL.  This is great news for Justin Smoak (0-for-1, 1 run, 3 BBs; Jackie Bradley Smoak Jr!)  In Smoak’s last regular season with everyday ABs, he hit 20 homers and now he’s in the 1927 Jays lineup and the Rogers launching pad.  If you’re hurting for power, I could see taking a grabber on him.

Drew Hutchison – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 7 Ks vs. the O’s.  When he was in the fifth inning with a perfect game, I picked him up in all leagues where he was available, even some leagues where I had him and dropped him.  There was a moment of pause in the middle of my transaction.  After seeing his next start will be vs. the Sawx, I waited an extra minute or two with him sitting there, wondering if I should grab him.  Finally, I committed.  I can always re-pickup Tazawa or some other middle man I dropped, if Hutch doesn’t work out (again).  Then, within milliseconds of me grabbing him, he gave up a homer to Machado.  My bad!  His peripherals look decent — 3.72 xFIP, 8.2 K/9, 2.4 BB/9.  Definitely worth giving a look to, but I don’t think I’m going to start him in his next start.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .349.  Well, he’s no Devon Travis (1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .385), but how many are?

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (2, 3).  Machado, Machado Man, is that you?  Where you been?  And why are you wearing leather chaps?  You fell asleep and thought you were Brendan Fraser in Blast from the Past?  Geez, glad you’re back now.

Chris Tillman – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  See, the Mariners knew what they were doing the whole time when they traded Tillman to the O’s.

Ian Kennedy – Will return on Saturday.  Or as they call it in my house, tomorrow.

Tyson Ross – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks in Coors.  If you had the large-sized man-berries to start him in this game, I have to think you’re happy with the outcome.  I wouldn’t have started him, thinking Tyson was going to get his face tattooed.

Corey Dickerson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and third in two games.  Plantar fasciitis is for gardeners who worry about wearing white after Labor Day, Dickerson is real man!

John Axford – 1 IP, 0 ER as he got the save yesterday, because Walt Weiss saw that Mattingly started Alex Guerrero and Weiss noticed a potential opening in the race for the craziest manager award and took it.  I’m guessing Adam Ottavino is still the lead man for the closer job, but this shows that Weiss could split saves up 90/10 between the two.

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-5 with his 2nd steal, hitting .258.  Has one homer on the year and less fantasy value than Yangervis Solarte.  Member during draft season there was one guy that would draft Blackmon and then say something like, “He’s been so undervalued this year!”  Go ask that guy what he’s thinking now on Blackmon.  Hopefully there’s no actual black men around when he’s ranting.  Chris Rock says there’s no problem there.

Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks and the no decison.  The other four members of the Sawx sat Buchholz down after the game and told him, “Don’t show us up, and you’ll get a win.  Now get out of here and shower, you stink of suntan lotion.”

Jake Odorizzi – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Someone forget to tell the Rays pitchers they’re supposed to be bad this year.  Exact opposite problem as the Sawx.

Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Chris Sale 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks and they were both ejected in the bottom of the 7th.  Let’s recap:  three starts ago, Yordano dropped to the ground after a pitch like he was shot, but it was just a cramp.  You remember, that was the performance he submitted to Academy members.  Two starts ago, he took himself out of the game because of another cramp.  Doode’s like a teenaged girl with the cramps.  Then his last start, he beaned Lawrie and was ejected.  Now, last night, he collected a routine grounder, jawed at the runner and all hell broke loose.  It’s been so long since a professional athlete made the leap to the WWE, but I think we have a serious contender in Yordano “The Arm” Ventura.  He needs a prop.  Koko B. Ware already did the parrot thing or that would’ve been great.  What about if Yordano has a puppet?  Lil’ Yordano, “Hey, Yordano, let’s burn some bridges!”

Jesse Chavez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 4 Ks.  Honestly, he should be in the rotation.  Will he?  I have no idea.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I cut a dress out of purple construction paper, trimmed some bean sprouts for hair and pasted it all to an egg.  That egg sits on my desk.  It’s called Ginacarlo.  It’s my daughter.

Adeiny Hechavarria – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .311.  Okay, we have a big enough sample size now — that’s what she said! — to see what’s going on with Adeiny.  Ya know, cause he’s a .240 hitter usually.  He has a .346 BABIP and one homer and one steal.  In other words…Sorry, I feel asleep.  Who were talking about again?  Okay, who drew a handlebar onto my mustache while I was asleep?  Who did it?!

Martin Prado – 3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .300.  Damn, the whole Marlins team minus OZUNA and Giancarlo is a real snoozefest, and OZUNA doesn’t even have any badonkadonks yet.  For those bloggers hoping to get a start, Grey 101:  When talking about a boring player such as Prado, don’t actually talk about them.  You’re welcome.

David Phelps – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Ugh, I just picked him up in an NL-Only league, but because I’m a full-on stunod and I lost Scooter, I dropped Phelps for Cuban Raft Boy, Elian.  Phelps has always shown decent K-rates (7.5-ish) and not egregious walk rates.  He’s prolly around a low-4 ERA guy, which is nothing for mixed leagues, but a solid add in NL-Only leagues, especially if Alvarez can’t come back.

Rafael Soriano – Scott Boras said interest is increasing for Soriano.  Why is there not a reality show about Boras where he works on the weekends at a swap meet selling the most unlikely of items?  “Here we have a brand new Snickers bar that was found in a 40-pound pile of elephant dung.  Unopened!”  “This is a Milli Vanilli CD that was broken into 3,500 pieces during a radio promotion.  Some pieces were said to be touched by a young Shadoe Stevens.  A Hamilton and it’s yours!”  “This here is my favorite item I’m selling.  And, frankly, I’m only selling it because I want someone else to enjoy owning it as much as I have for the last fifteen years.  It’s the magnetic tape from a VHS of the season three finale of Empty Nest.  We’ll mark that down for $100.”