“Hello, and welcome to the Izod Center in downtown East Rutherford, New Jersey! We’re only 35 minutes from New York! On tonight’s fight card, we have everyone vs. George Zimmerman and, our main event, Bryce Harper vs. Jonathan Papelbon! Harper has him on height by a good six inches, if you count his mohawk. They’re both tipping the scales like heavyweights, if you count their egos, but Papelbon has the reach by three and a quarter inches since Harper will be fighting off his heels, as he’s been known to do his whole career. The Loafer vs. The Soft Shoe! The Cock vs. The Guy With A Haircut That Makes Him Look Like A Cock! The Veteran Who Plays The Game The Right Way vs. The Upstart Who Just Plays The Game Better Than Anyone Else. Hosting this event is Donald Trump. Making this country great again like he did in Atlantic City!” Yesterday, I said, these two mix like vinegar and douche, and then the Nationals made sure they wouldn’t have to mix at all. Papelbon was suspended for the rest of the regular season, which opens the door for Blake Treinen, Matt Thornton and/or Casey Janssen. That’s the order I’d grab them for saves, but like a carrot in minestrone, it’s real dicey. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt den Dekker – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Fun fact! Den Dekker is also the name for bunk beds at Ikea. I’d definitely stream den Dekker into my lineup since he looks hot schmotatoish, but you need to make sure he’s playing every day.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Nothing more exciting than talking catchers. Okay, one thing more exciting, talking catchers for next year! I could see Ramos being a guy I target in every league. His batting average (.232) is artificially-flavored poo, but he’s also being unlucky and the power is still there. Okay, okay, he’s a guy I could see targeting next year then dropping by mid-April.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. How screwed up have our expectations become? Easy, pardner, I’m about to tell you. They’re so screwed up we look at Scherzer as a disappointment. He has a 2.91 ERA, 0.96 WHIP and 259 Ks. That would’ve been a good year for Bob Gibson!
Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Pygmalionly, Shaw’s been Eliza Doolittling, but he does tend to hit for power in bunches, so if you’re desperate I’d grab Shaw and not wait around for him to get made over in a trying-on-funny-hats montage.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. “Didn’t I tell you to only walk?!” “But I walked twice, papa!” “I should’ve raised you to be a speed walker, then you’d pay attention!” “Papa, please!” Maybe we should give the Bradleys some privacy.
Deven Marrero – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s the glovechild of Joey Cora and Omar Vizquel, and shouldn’t concern us.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.85. I have nothing to go on with this but my gut and five million hours of fantasy baseball research, but I’m guessing Ed-Rod will be overdrafted next year.
Masahiro Tanaka – Will start on Wednesday vs. the Red Sox. He was skipped last time due to a strained hamstring, but he’s ready to battle through it. Between his torn elbow tendon and hamstring strain, what we’ve learned is Tanaka would take the mound in a body cast.
Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Stream-o-Nator hates Nova’s last start, and it will likely be a meaningless game for the Yanks, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see Nova pitch well as he tries to prove he should be an integral part of the playoff rotation. It’ll be very risky, but on the last day of the season, you might need that risk.
Yadier Molina – Due to his thumb, he’s ruled out for the regular season. I guess that’s his *pinkie to mouth* rule of thumb.
Adam Wainwright – Could return on Wednesday. If he enters in relief and the game goes 200 extra innings and he pitches them all without allowing a run, I’ll eat my hat on calling him overrated this preseason. Of course, I’m wearing a tostada for a hat.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. J.A. Happ 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunner, 4 Ks in 56 pitches. No better example of what playoff-bound teams are going to do with their starters. Look at those lines. They both could’ve pitched another two to three innings, but they’ll be meeting again in the playoffs and neither club wants to risk ingerry. *smacks monkey who is typing up this blurb* Injury, sorry.
Stephen Piscotty – Left yesterday’s game after colliding his head into Bourjos’s knee. A concussion sure takes the fun out of the chant, “Piscotty doesn’t know.”
Carlos Gomez – Took batting practice and seems likely to return shortly, which isn’t a crack on Altuve. Gomez didn’t do jackshizz when he was healthy, and I’m not running out to add him anywhere for the final few games.
Chris Carter – 1-for-2 and his 23rd homer, and now third homer in three games. No joke when I say he’s the type that could hit five homers this week.
George Springer – 2-for-3 and his 15th homer. Bet, next year will be the last time for many years that you can draft Springer at a reasonable price.
Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Roenis Elias 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. All of you that streamed them both for their two-start weeks can exhale. Hopefully that exhale doesn’t turn into a burp on Sunday when they suddenly get skipped.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in three games. That banging you hear is the guy’s head against his desk who picked up Marte for steals and doesn’t need homers.
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Kyle Hendricks 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks in a glimpse of what would be a great World Series for baseball, which I would love to see, but knowing baseball’s luck, the game would fall on a Sunday vs. one of the Mannings throwing 500 yards and Jessica Simpson singing the entire National Anthem while unaware of a wardrobe malfunction. The Stream-o-Nator likes both of these guys in their last starts, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see both of them go a few innings and then let the bullpens take over.
Phil Hughes – Was scratched due to a virus that’s working its way around the Twins clubhouse. Ooh, sounds like the clubhouse has been infected by Mr. Robot.
Eddie Rosario – 3-for-4, 1 run. Seems like every time I look up this guy has multiple hits. Apparently, I should look up more because he’s hitting around .240 in September. Not exactly Septacular.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! I’d put an imaginary five dollars on Plouffe going deep again in the next two games.
Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. I don’t listen to Indians games because their announcers are some of the worst in baseball, but I bet they’re using words like gutsy and courageous with Kluber, and that would be the first time a Kluber’s been called brave since 1992 at the Limelight in New York when a clubber took six tabs of acid and then tried to dance to “It’s Time for the Percolator.” Kluber isn’t courageous; he’s likely nursing an injury still and no great bet for his last start.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Someone set up a 2016 draft right now, I want to draft Lindor while scream-singing, I Can’t Feel My Face.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.68. Whatevs, Arrieta already won the Cy Young. I decided.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. One start down, one more to go this week. C’mon, Peavy, hold your shizz together for me! (A win next time would be nice too.)
Colby Lewis – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. I have no one to blame but myself for starting Lewis in this game. But, if I were to blame someone, I had to bench Samardzija for someone. SAMARDZIJA!
Prince Fielder – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer. He sound be a server at IHOP because he’s serving up fat jacks!
Tyler Collins – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Sadly, he doesn’t play every day. Well, sad for him.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Not really a terrible season for Verlander, and “not really a terrible season” is about the most yawnstipating way to describe a player.
Chris Tillman – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.05. For those that are streaming him against the Yankees this weekend, cross your fingers that the Yankees rest everyone for the playoffs. Yes, you can tie your shoes before you cross your fingers. C’mon, man.
Troy Tulowitzki – Took batting practice on Monday as he tries to come back from a small crack in his scapula, which is better than a small scalpel in his crack. If only barely.
Marco Estrada – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA. “Okay, what evidence do you have that we should lower the mound?” “Marco Estrada has an ERA of 3.15 in 174 1/3 innings!” “You mean the guy who couldn’t cut it as a middle reliever in Milwaukee?” “Yes, Grey!” “Wait, I’m Grey.” “AHHHHH!!!”
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3 and his 36th homer. You know that move when you lick your finger, touch your butt and make a sizzle sound? Edwin makes that sound when he touches a cortisone shot to his butt.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, hitting over .500 in the last week. Yes, over .500. The only people that truly appreciate what Pillar’s doing are ancient Romans and people in very deep leagues where they’ve owned him all year.
Trevor Gott – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER as he was used as a closer would be, pitching the ninth in a tie game at home. The Sciosciapath said he would use a committee at closer to end the year. So, who do I Gott? Yup. Okay, don’t start that again. It could also be Mike Morin, Fernando Salas, Jose Alvarez, the guy who sells hot dogs that screams, “Get ya dogs here!” and Cesar Ramos.