Mitchell Parker peter piper’d a pickle pepper of a game yesterday (8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.39). Mary Jane smacked her lips on that Parker, in the kisser. But this is when things got weird. I opened Mitchell Parker’s Statcast page and it froze on me. A message appeared — tell me if you’ve ever seen this message before — it said, “You don’t want to see this.” I said yes, and the page said, “I can’t hear you, I’m a webpage.” Have you seen this happen before? I went to another site to see his peripherals and that other site redirected me to Max Meyer’s page. This is weird, right? I tried one final site to see Parker’s stats and that site redirected me to Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up. So, Mitchell Parker pitched another gem, and, as is the case this year, all bad starters are good and good starters are bad, and Parker’s yet another. His 92 MPH (don’t laugh) has a .326 xBA (I mean, c’mon). His K/9 and BB/9 are 5.6 and 3.1 or disrespectively, I just vom’d in my mouth, spit it on the floor and it spelled out, “Gross.” He’s a Streamonator call at best, but if you’ve been starting him, nice cojones, but you might be single-jones’d soon when he kicks you in the hooies. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. BDon calls me out for hating on N. Lowe on this week’s podcast. Little does he know, I also hate B. Lowe. Eat a D, Lowes! Actually, that reminds me, you too, Derek Lowe!
Dylan Crews – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. This is gonna give away a bit how dumb I am, but I read on Razzball how Crews was a buy low, and I can’t find the article. Ha! I swear someone said it, and I don’t think it was me. Is this [considered pause] old age?
Charlie Morton – Talk of him being moved to the pen, so the Orioles could bring up. Wait for it. It’s good. Here it comes. Ready? Okay, brace yourself. So they can bring up Kyle Gibson. Ha! Brandon Young is candidate to start for the O’s this week too. At least he is, uh, younger. He’s 26, and who knows why he’s in the minors? O’s are prospect-huggers.
Noelvi Marte – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Here’s the thing, or thething if you’re in a rush, he might be a schmotato, or he might be finally clicking. If it’s the latter, you want it on your team, so act now.
Calvin Faucher – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.32, and his 2nd save. That does not make it definitive that it’s not Tinoco’s job in Miami, because he had gone two days in a row, so maybe he was resting. More than you ever wanted to know about the Marlins’ pen!
Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.14 vs. Nick Martinez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.40. This matchup was billed as, “E-Cab isn’t an Uber anything and neither is Nick Martinez.” Streamonator calls, the both of them!
Ben Rice – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. You see Judge on-deck, what do you do, hotshot? Throw a meatball fastball to the leadoff hitter.
Will Warren – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.79. Watched a good portion of this game (mostly for Bibee) and Warren’s sweeper is pretty nasty pitch. Can’t seem to locate it consistently, but, when he can, Will be great.
Lane Thomas – Hit the IL with a bone bruise in his wrist. Ah, I see, Lame Thomas. Angel Martinez is A) New Guards centerfielder B) NY deejay who wants DJ Red Alert to stop texting her, ‘U up?” C) There’s no C. Answer’s gonna be A, but wouldn’t fault you for choosing B. Martinez is an AL-Only play for batting average and possibly speed.
Tanner Bibee – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.19. Sonavabench! Of course, he was going to pitch well vs. the Yanks. Of course! [Lisa Simpson grumbling, under breath] I guess it’s good that he looked better.
Cade Smith – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.38, and his 2nd save in the 2nd day in a row. Guards’ manager Vogt said to not read anything into it, they were just giving Clase a rest. Yeah, why would anyone read into giving the good reliever save chances and avoiding the bad reliever? You silly gooses!
Kris Bubic – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.45. Unlike Mitchell Parker, I like Bubic. Not quite at a 1.45 ERA pitcher, but not far off a low-3 ERA pitcher. He might be this year’s Lugo. While Lugo, well, he could be this year’s Lugo too. Royals got a lotta Lugos, what do you want me to tell ya?
Marcus Semien – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs as he hit 5th. That’s the lowest he’s hit in the lineup as a Ranger. Bro should be hitting 9th. The funny thing is now that he homered Bochy will either move him right back to leadoff, or think he’s comfortable in the five-hole and leave him there. Like a guy suddenly hits because he gets moved down the order.
Jake Burger – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Speaking of lineup placement, Burger being a big offseason acquisition for the Rangers, then being shoved into the 8-hole is so funny.
Wyatt Langford – 3-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (4). @an9891–sorry, was crossing my fingers that he stayed healthy.
Josh H. Smith – 1-for-4, 2 runs, and his 2nd homer, as he hits leadoff, hitting .367. Very nearly dropped Vientos in my RCL for Josh Hornytoad Smith, and I might still do it if he’s there. It’s about time.
Nick Kurtz – SacTown A’s said Kurtz won’t be platooned, he just sat on Tuesday for [waves hands at the air] reasons. Ya know, can’t dare have him face Patrick Corbin.
Lawrence Butler – 1-for-4 and a slam (3) and legs (5). Also, in this game, Brent Rooker (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 7th; Luis Urias (2-for-3) hit his 2nd; Miguel Andujar (3-for-5, hitting .319) hit his 2nd, and don’t throw pitchers in Bing Bong Stadium unless you want them Bing Bong’d.
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.04. Okay, now let’s see him do it against a non-White Sux team.
Trevor Larnach – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and was replaced mid-game by DaShawn Kiersey Jr., the center for the Harlem Globetrotters (I believe). Baldelli makes every This Manager Should Fall Into A Pit For This Move you can think of. A guy homers and you replace him for matchups? Oh, that’s a pit-fallin’!
Sean Murphy – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. He only has nine hits on the season!
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .238. Allahson might be pointing towards Mecca again. We can pray it so. Allahu Akbraves.
Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3), hitting .247. Around top 100 on the Player Rater, and I’m loving this Nootbaar and very velvety nougat!
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. No idea how long he’ll be hitting in the bottom third of the Cubs’ lineup, but he’s producing top ten OF numbers so far even from down there.
Kyle Tucker – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and double legs (5, 6), hitting .320. As he rounded the bases, he made the universal sign for ‘call me’ to prospective free agency teams.
Dustin May – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.68. Regression Fairies love Gaga’s new album, have frosted tips and will destroy your ratios.
Tommy Edman – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .272. Before the season, “Hey, Ohtani, what if we switch jerseys and play the season out like this?” “Sure, Edman. But first let me bet on you winning the NL MVP.”
Andy Pages – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Ya know what’s weird in a general Wrigley sense? It was a pitchers’ park last year and now it’s the biggest hitters’ park. Also, in this game, Will Smith (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) got jiggy with his 3rd homer.
Pavin Smith – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s been in almost a month’s straight Buy columns. Stay tuned to see if he makes it another this week! Or not. Your call.
Tim Tawa – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! You can tell your spouse you’re going to try Tawa and Wagaman and they’ll think you picked up dinner and filled the car with gas.
Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Good news is I gave you a sleeper preseason post for him, so everyone has him. Bad news is you don’t listen to me.
Zack Littell – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.28. I look at his stats and I can see his upside, but it’s very, how do you say, Littell.
Jordan Hicks – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.59. People keep commenting about Hicks and whether they should hold him. Look around, guys and five lady readers. I mean, look around on your waivers and find someone better.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.96. Look around to right here! Is Quintana better than Hicks? Yes! He has a 0.96 ERA. That’s better!
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .222. He’s like Trevor Story but with less chance of having a full season healthy.
Jake Bauers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He’s hitting .250 and, get this, he had one hit in April, prior to this. That’s actually impressive. Guy’s doing magic with stats.
Brice Turang – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .337, hitting leadoff, and he had 50 steals last year, which is irrelevant, but I was just thinking about how he was basically free in all drafts.
Ronel Blanco – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.01. Turns out I just needed to bench him! Haha…[dons a potato sack and wanders into traffic]
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. As much as some guys are struggling, I can’t help but think back to Gunnar Henderson, who starts his season any day now. Right? What? He’s already playing? Oh, wow.
Chris Bassitt – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.88. Bassitt isn’t a sub-1 ERA guy? Oh, c’mon, you’re joking!
Jose Soriano – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.34. I derive no pleasure in seeing a guy who I don’t like get hit around. I said that sarcastically! Of course I’m deriving pleasure! What, I’m a monk? Did a take a vow of silence? Is this silence? No, I’m doing speech to text right. Dot dot dot. Now!
Taylor Ward – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .220. Not entirely related but I just saw Mike Trout is hitting .177. Wow.
Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. I was kinda glad I accidentally left him in my IL for this week before his start and now [shrugs] meh, I’ll be okay. Thanks for asking.
Triston Casas – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. “Hey, if you can’t reach the cereal, you can just stand on top of–Hold on! He moved! Casas is alive!”
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and that usually translates into a hot schmotato, but he has been a bit meh for the last week. Jo-Po, emphasis on po.
Bryce Miller – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.21. You had high hopes for (insert pitcher’s name), then he’s gonna suck. You didn’t care about picking up (pitcher’s name) for free on waivers? Oh, then he’s gonna be great!
Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at guess. Guess this em-effer’s ERA! Please, I’m begging you! Too late! Or bzzt wrongo! His ERA is 1.20. I will now cackle until a team of doctors watch me through a two-way mirror.
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Starting Pivetta and Flaherty for my serotonin. Thank you for bringing my happy back. Fo’ reals, I have one league where I’m not doing well, and I have a 2.70 ERA! There’s so much pitching. Just not the guys you pay for in a draft.
Griffin Canning – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Sure, you can look at Streamonator, or just have no expectations for him and he’ll be great.
Cristopher Sanchez – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.42 and left with forearm soreness because, well, here let’s let Ryan Weathers tell you, “If you throw three to four miles harder suddenly, you are going to get shut down with forearm soreness.” Thanks, RW. It’s like a pitcher’s deal with the devil or there is a painting of a forearm getting Tommy John surgery in the attic.
