Yesterday, across a doubleheader, Mitch Haniger went 3-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. After the arduous eighteen months that Mitch Haniger went through, it’s great to see him get in touch with his inner dong. If only someone would smack him on the butt to get it to poke out again. Now, now, that must be refreshening for Haniger, like a swim in a cool pond on a warm day, something he embraces since he no longer has to worry about shrinkage. Yesterday, was the first time in 18 months Haniger’s had any luck with hangers. Haniger’s had less luck with hangers than Joan Crawford’s kids. Okay, okay, OKAY! Enough! You’re liable to get Haniger testy, in theory at least. As for fantasy, meh, who am I kidding, I just wanted an excuse to razz him. If he stays healthy, he’s a solid number three outfielder. Too bad to stay healthy, his front side needs to look like the M’s new closer. Ya know, a Kendall. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kendall Graveman – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, and the save, as he replaces Montero as the M’s closer. For a while, Montero’s closer gig has had one foot in the grave, man. Now, it’s official. Graveman could be the closer for the next five months, or he could go sideways the next time out, and Montero gets the job back. Of course, you go for the current closer, so get out your knee-high waders, your barely-used shovel and start digging up loved ones to tell them the news, it’s Graveman time! Also, Keynan Middleton (1 IP, 0 ER) got the save in the 2nd half of the doubleheader, his 2nd, so Montero might not even be the back-up option.

Dylan Moore – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 1st homer. “We should tie some kettlebells to his ankles and toss him overboard–Wait a minute! Dylan Moore just moved an arm! He’s alive!”

Justin Dunn – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. His career BB/9 is 7.58. Dunn is well named, because he’s about to murder your ratios and you’re gonna be Dunn.

Matt Harvey – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.02. Heard some people talking about how he added horizontal break on his curve, and all I could think is there’s a lot of gluttons for punishment. I am glutton-free.

Trey Mancini – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Trey with a trey! His average is bad (.163), but that could change this early with two good games. Think you have to take a strong dubya that he already has three homers.

Travis Lakins Sr. – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00. Nothing to say on him for fantasy, but just had to point out that he lists his name as Travis Lakins Sr. Is he worried about being confused with a toddler?

Tim Anderson – 2-for-5, 1 run, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “You can make anything a pizza by putting cheese and tomato sauce on it….No, I get it. I shouldn’t have made a photocopier pizza.”

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.92. Really wanted that win, but I can’t fault Lynn, because if I fault him, it really makes me giving all my other starters a bye that much more goofy.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and slam (3) and legs (2). After the game, Jo-Ram had his home run and steal removed from his statline because Lindor was traded this offseason. Unfortunately–What? He didn’t lose his homer and steal? Oh, weird, I was led to believe this offseason that Lindor leaving Cleveland would kill Jo-Ram’s value. Hunh.

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-3 and two steals (2, 3). More like Ameddie Rosario, amiright?

Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.18. “I am America and this is my Civale War!” Which is what I say as I’m setting my lineups. Normal, right? Civale gets the Pale Sox again next time out, and the Streamonator likes it, so go on Yonder Soldier.

Mitch Keller – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 8.74. Can the Pirates trade Keller already so he gets good?

Colin Moran – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .311, and he will be in this afternoon’s Buy, which is already available on Patreon. How’s that for salesmanship? Selling you with the mention of a Pirates hitter!

Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15. This was a start I will take, but not at all definitive in any way. I didn’t want him to get trounced, because I very much have him on teams, but if he did, at least then I’d know what to do with him. Yesterday’s start has me shrugging my shoulders. Onto the next start, I guess.

Manny Machado – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Macha Macha Manny!

Jake Cronenworth – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, hitting .358. Also, in this game, Jurickson Profar (2-for-4, 2 runs) and his 3rd steal. When FTJ returns today, and for the next two-ish weeks when he’s healthy, it might be the swan-Seong for Kim (0-for-5, hitting .194).

Nomar Mazara – Hit the IL with an ab strain. That really, really stinks. *two seconds later* Can Baddoo move up in the order now?

Tarik Skubal – 4 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 6.08. Download Waze so you can locate the strike zone! Rim shot! Kazoo! Seriously, folx, that’s not good. Bit worried about Skubal, so the best case scenario (for this year) isn’t dramatically better than a streamer, if his command is atrocious.

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.32. This feels like the first pitcher all year that looked gnarly in his first start, but has settled down to be closer to what I expected. To think we ever underestimated The Man A’s, after it made tuna fish decent.

Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Please make me buckle up as he hits seven homers in a week. Please!

Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Could be heating up, or not. Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!

Miguel Sano – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer. That’s nice, now hit 27 of them before the All-Star break and we good.

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.00. Ya know what’s funny that’s not funny at all? When I suggested you draft Pineda in the preseason, I was a little surprised I was recommending him, and I remember thinking, it’s kinda crazy to recommend Pineda. Looks like you have to be a little bit crazy. Told ya funny.

Adalberto MondesiRoyals are reporting he’s starting to do movements now. What is this, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly?

Jakob Junis – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Last time it was a monocle and a Streamonator. This time it’s a Streamonator and loosening up to pick up in some leagues. Junis better not turn on me.

Anthony Kay – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER as he was recalled. Went like this, “We need a starter…” “Um…I’m thinking of someone.” “Who?” “Give me a second, kay?” “Sure, he’s good as any.”

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .413. Vlad’s not in the best shape of his life, he’s in the best shape of anyone’s life.

Jordan Romano – Hit the IL with right ulnar neuritis. To lose Yates and Merryweather to injuries, and then add Romano on top has to be grating. Grab Rafael Dolis everywhere you can.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st career homer, though, he kinda hit one the night before. He went the oppo taco route both nights, and I was impressed with his power, but wasn’t sure about him, so went to look at his minor league numbers and my eyes did a little bulge out of their sockets. In his (and everyone’s) last year of Triple-A in 2019, he went 32/14/.253. Obviously, there’s an issue with contact, and he projects around a 35% strikeout rate, but power/speed guy in a lineup that needs anything plays. Might have to change my team names to Much Adolis About a Dolis.

Charlie Culberson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and hot schmo–Okay, no one’s actually picking up Charlie Culberson.

Nick Solak – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .250. Maybe that will give Solak and me a small reprieve from people wanting to drop him, and focused more on Ian Happ.

Patrick Corbin – 2 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 21.32. Corbin Burnes > The Corbin burns. Don’t worry, they say it only burns when Patrick Corbin P’s. That Davey Martinez left him in so long means A) Davey Martinez was stricken with madness. B) Corbin is so behind, due to missing time, just needs to throw, and this is like Spring Training for him. C) There’s no C. Pretty sure it’s B, and Corbin needs the minor leagues to get up to speed, but who knows with that, so if your league is deep, bench Corbin until he shows any signs. Shallow leagues, you can move on, since this might take weeks or longer to correct itself. If at all. Yes, Corbin could be finished, kinda how I feel after having him on a team.

Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Honestly, it’s hard to even continue writing after getting the Corbin burns. Escobar.Edu has gone from bleh to hot schmotato to not making this afternoon’s Buy, because he’s owned in too many leagues.

Carson Kelly – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, as he hits 2nd. Any ideas what he’s hitting average-wise? Oh, yeah, you’re way too low. He’s hitting .440.

Andy Young – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Pavin Smith (1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his first homer. It was Take Your Scrub to the Park Night, and Corbin was working the front gate, handing out homers.

Julio Urias – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Way to make the Corbin start not sting as badly.

Justin Turner – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. As mentioned on Thursday, Turner’s starting hotter than ever in his career, which could lead to a career year, or him getting hurt and missing 50 games, like every year. *emoji with hand on chin while waiting for an elevator with someone tapping their foot, driving it nuts*

Ryan McMahon – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Okay, now we’re getting serious when he starts hitting homers in road games. His Launch Angle is dramatically different this year, and he’s actually hitting fly balls, unlike every other year. The breakout very much might be here.

Garrett Hampson – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. As the ball soared, Bud Black walked to the top of the steps, chuckling, “The bat boy homered? Is that allowed?” Then Tapia explained to him Hampson is on the team.

Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Unlike Bieber, deGrom or any of those schmohawks, seeing Rogers do well and not being on every single one of my teams really churns my cream! It burns my bridges! It taps my tree and out comes no syrup! Ya know, gets me mad! Should’ve had Rogers on all teams, that’s unforgivable.

Starling Marte – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .319. I’m sorry, he’s just so yawnstipating. Couldn’t generate excitement for him after a six-pack of White Claw Surge.

Ian Anderson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Imagine looking at Ian Anderson and Trevor Rogers and thinking you had to draft Ian Anderson around 90 overall, and not just wait until 250th or later overall for Rogers. That’s what people told you about two weeks ago. I didn’t. I told you to draft Corbin. Haha, the pain is real.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 3rd pinch hit homer. Rusty Tub!

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .442. On the Player Rater, it’s kinda hilarious how it’s basically Tildaddy, and everyone else. There’s someone out there who had the 1st pick and didn’t draft Acuña and I’m sorry, but I am laughing very loud. I’ve been there. Just know you are not alone. We are here for you. To laugh very loud at you! Could you laugh at yourself too please so we don’t feel guilty?