Matt’s Kind Of Town, Shawcago Is

Matt Shaw (2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 1st steal) was recalled by the Cubs, as was reported here after reading about it elsewhere. This spells the end to Brujan and Berti, E-N-D, but Shaw really needs to make better contact than he was making during his last MLB stint, which I’m assuming he can do, but an assumption makes an AJ Smith-Shawver out of an ump and Texas Instruments, I think I’m getting that wrong. Yesterday, Shaw hit a double, that nearly got out in that deep park in Miami, or, well, I don’t know if it’s deep. You know how being busy makes time go faster? With that sorta thinking, doesn’t it seem like crowded parks are smaller? When there’s no one at a game, it looks more cavernous. This might not be math. Do fences move out when there’s no one in the first row? I’m going to assume no, which is making an AJ Smith-Shawver in a you and me, no? Still getting that wrong. So, it looked like Shaw hit it to a deep corner in a big park, but it might’ve been because there was more players than fans. Any hoo! Shaw has 20/20 type ability and is an add everywhere. Yes, even in your league. Don’t make me scoff with a pShaw. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shota Imanaga – Won’t return until “well into June,” the Cubs said as I fell to my knees and yelled at the heavens. Why can’t I have anything nice, Fantasy Baseball Overlord?

Ben Brown – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.44. Forget the number one piece of advice you should never forget. If it was Ben Yellow, then it was let him mellow. It’s not Ben Yellow, you big dope! Streamonator likes Brown’s next one more than I do too, so meh.

Miguel Amaya – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer. Been remarkably solid for a backup catcher, but a backup catcher is not rosterable outside of two-catcher deep leagues.

Porter Hodge – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Did Porter hurt himself carrying luggage? Hmm, more on the Cubs’ pen in the next blurb.

Daniel Palencia – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.30, as he blew the save. Didn’t even wait until he recorded one out before I picked him up. I was jacked on carbs and SAGNOF! I was hitting my vein, screaming, “Give me saves, you crazy motherf–” and before I finished that, he blew the game. Since Hodge is IL’d, I guess Palencia gets another shot. I’ll tell you one guy who I won’t be trying again even if he gets looks in the 9th. His name rhymes with Bryan Pissly.

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.50. Some days there’s a lot of aces going. Yesterday was not that day.

Agustin Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .267. Think we might’ve moved off Agustin too quickly when we got all jazzed up and fancy free with the Rushing and Ballesteros callups.

Jesus Sanchez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (5), hitting .240, as he hit leadoff. At the Home Run Derby, I propose Jesus Sanchez, Christian Walker, whoever the Pope chooses and Alex Bregman, repping the Jews, and Matt Olson dressed in a kufi as Allahson. A battle to finally crown one true God. Winner gets Israel, loser gets the parts of Brooklyn that haven’t been gentrified.

Ezequiel Tovar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He went 5-for-6 with his 1st homer on Saturday and was benched on Sunday, which I think was a touching tribute to Bud Black.

Mick Abel – Optioned to the minors. Abel, apparently, not really!

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Suckies have won eight games total. That’s almost half as many as the White Sux. This is me pre-explaining why I’m now starting a lot of pitchers who are in Coors going against them.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. This was his career 300th homer. All previous homers have come in June.

Alec Bohm – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in five games. Grabbed Bohm last week in my RCL and plan on holding him through at least this Coors stand, then reevaluating.

Edmundo Sosa – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. It’s not a bad idea to start anyone who is available when facing the Suckies in Coors.

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in three games, fourth homer in five games, 7th homer this month and roughly 6th homer since I told you he was a Buy Low.

Nolan Schanuel – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. He was the top guy on the Hitter-Tron yesterday for me to grab at corner, and, thank you, Mr. Robot (which might be the only TV show, I’d consider “good,” that I never finished).

Jose Soriano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Soriano ended with a 3.57 ERA, and it was vs. the A’s. If it was in Oaktown still, Grey would’ve made an Oaktown’s 3.5.7 reference, but now he’s left with pretending we’re saying something.”

Hunter Greene – Will return on Friday. Bummer, was enjoying not having him pitch for my opponents.

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.22. If you only have NL Central starters, you can only go so wrong. For what it’s Wuertz, Lodolo’s underlying numbers are pretty yawnstipating. Not LodYOLO at all-lo.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Streaming Keller this week for his two-start week. Here’s hoping he’s solid, but not too solid to lure me into holding onto him.

David Bednar – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.40, in the 8th. David still Shit-The-Bednar.

Reese Olson – Hit the IL with a ring finger issue. My dad had that, before he left us for a Chili’s waitress.

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Lot of people asking if I’d start Sonny. His last start where he got rocked was an awful matchup, yesterday was a good matchup. Sit in awful matchups, start in good matchups. Ya know, Streamonator can help tell you which is which.

Yordan Alvarez – Still experiencing pain when he swings a bat. Oh…[climbs to the top of Burj Khalifa, sees Tom Cruise sitting on the ledge]…kay.

Jake Meyers – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (8), hitting .301. Maybe the most obscure slam and legs of the season so far, until Kyle Isbel pulls it off, at least.

Colton Gordon – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, as he was called up. After C. Gordo Gordon was signed and while rehabbing from Tommy John, he was a pizza delivery guy. Now he’s delivering sliders! C. Gordo Gordon was a top lefty (weird!) in the Astros’ org, which makes me think they didn’t have any other lefties. He’s fine for a deep leagues, say, 15-team mixed and deeper, and has great command (1.7 BB/9 in Triple-A), but his stuff seems incredibly meh.

Danny Jansen – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–breathe, Grey, breathe! Sorry, I held Jansen all year, started him every game, to just drop him on Sunday. HAHAHAHAHAHA–I’m dying, help–HAHAHAHAHA.

Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.99. It’s a weird year for Rays pitchers. Usually they’re auto-starts, now I don’t know if you can auto-start any of them without fear.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Luis F. Castillo could’ve shut out the White Sux.

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .235. Final question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, “Has Julio Rodriguez had a two-hit game in his career before August?” A) Yes B) No C) There’s no C. D) Show me the answer.

Davis Martin – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.49. When I googled Davis Martin’s underlying stats, Google said, “You’re joking, right?”

Bailey Ober – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.68, and the game was suspended for weather. You have to absolute rocks in your head to start a game, then have it immediately get shutdown with a weather delay. A head ump of a game should be fined if he allows that to happen. Not even joking. This is the biggest problem in society. This and asking me to tip on everything. Why would you start this game?!

Ramon Laureano – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer. It’s nice he’s doing well, but that he’s hitting cleanup and being one of the O’s only bright spots is more insulting to the O’s than anything you can say.

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (7), 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Kodai Senga – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, raising his ERA way up to 1.43. Pee ewe! What a stinker!

Vinnie Pasquantino – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and  his 8th homer, hitting .228. Talk about him a bit on the pod that’s coming today. It’s crazy how much power he seems to generate when he homers, considering how few homers he actually hits.

Kris Bubic – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.47. I like Boob-Itch, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I saw his WHIP is 1.06 and that is so out-of-line for a guy with a 1.47 ERA.

Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.67. This was a battle of Boob-Itch vs. “You’re making me itch because of how tight your pants are.”

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. More like Lourdes Gurriel Hr.

Geraldo Perdomo – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .302, as he hit 9th. Jordan Lawlar was on the bench, but he gave Perdomo such a hearty high-five after this homer, it was inspiring. Who has Inspiring as a category in their league?

Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Yo Gabby Gabby!

Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 3.81. He allowed three homers, and struck out zero hitters. Again, for emphasis, he allowed three homers and struck out no one. And won!

James Outman – Optioned to the minors. If only there was pithy way to say he was out, man.

Landon Knack – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.17. He’s got a real Knack for this. This being pitching poorly.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .312. On pace for a 60-homer season. Wow, that shoulder surgery really slowed him down.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4 and his 7th and 8th homer. Mookie Best!

Teoscar Hernandez – 0-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Do dwarves play mini golf like it’s regular golf?”

Hyeseong Kim – 0-for-4, hitting .400, as he hit 9th. Roberts said Kim will average three to four starts a week. That’s so funny, as if Roberts can count to four.