Been extremely hesitant about mentioning Luke Voit (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer), because I really don’t think much of him. He had a few good games that were amplified to 11 because of New York. So crazy to me that a guy like Voit is amplified to 11, mean’s while, Miguel Andujar has a huge rookie year and it’s crickets. Racist crickets, prolly. Throwing shade like a lamp! Voit will be in this afternoon’s buy column, but it’s going to be begrudgingly. He feels like he’s a hot streak from Matt Adams-type that will disappear in a few games. What’s Voit’s body type? I’m trying to fit a once-round peg into a recently-skinny hole. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Andrew McCutchen – Acquired by the Yankees. McCutchen stares at a poster of Wade Boggs riding a horse after a Yanks World Championship, “I’m coming for you, horsie.” The Yankees are so predictable with their moves. I will say the same when they pay Bryce Harper $750 million this offseason. McCutchen obviously gains some value with the move, but he doesn’t lose six years off his knees and is still a bet for what? 4 HRs, .280 with 2 SBs in the final month? Sounds like a good week by Willy Adames.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer, and 5th fastest to 300 homers in major league history. That homer was for our daughter, the baby mannequin I dressed up and named Ginacarla.
Gleyber Torres – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .279. Imagine he got his sophomore slump out of the way from mid-July to mid-August. Zoinks!
J.A. Happ – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.00. Happ happens.
Dellin Betances – 1 IP, 3 ER and a blown save, ERA up to 2.59. He’s such a Cuddle Boy Betances is going to drive Aroldis’ girlfriend to the abortion clinic while Just Once plays on the radio. Dellin Betances has a 15.8 K/9, but can’t get out the Tigers, which is as bonkers as Amber Heard.
Jose Iglesias – Hit the DL with an abdominal strain. Here is the DL’d Church, here is the steeple, opens the door for some Quad-A people. Hey! Not so fast, Ronny Rodriguez, his fill-in, went 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the week. I’d even go as far as to say hot schmotato alert on the Ron-Rod juice.
Niko Goodrum – 4-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (14) and legs (10). In the Goodrum family, they call that game ‘top shelf.’
Victor Martinez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .250. If he is retiring this year, V-Mart is going out in style. That style is of an aging vet who should’ve retired three years ago.
Lucas Giolito – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.66, but not telling the full story because he now has three weeks of Quality Starts (4 in all) and this start came against the Red Sox. Okay, now I’m starting to get intrigued. The Stream-o-Nator even loves his next start, and I feel like it could go from nice to ugh in one bad inning, but I can see the stream.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. Mookie Best is back, bayyyyyybeee!
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 39th homer. Just Dong because old guys get long balls.
Eugenio Suarez – Scratched from yesterday’s game with mid-back spasms. Sounds like he needs a chiropractor, or as they’re called in Egypt, Cairopractor.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .311. Racist! I had a thought the other day, we need more players whose names start with O’. I’m told by research there’s an O’Koyea Dickson in the Dodgers organization. Okay…yeah, but I need someone in the majors. Thinking a good test subject would be O’Lorenzo Cain…Sugar! A mouthful (noseful?) sure, but O’Lorenzo would be a nice nod to O’Shea Jackson and Cain’s Cube with ice water in his veins. Of course, I might just need a nap.
Wade Miley – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.18. *looks at ERAs of Robbie Ray and Tanaka on my team, looks again at Wade Miley’s ERA, takes elevator to top floor of building* Been fun, guys and five girls. Will someone promise to water and fertilizer my Obama Chia pet? Thanking you in advance. Any hoo! The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, his peripherals are hot garbage under my mom’s Mother Day’s gifts she’s never used and Miley will prolly throw another terrific game.
Wade LeBlanc – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.71. It was a good day to make like a paddle and Wade in.
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-5, and his 23rd homer. Now has four homers in the last eight games and hitting near-.350. Get hot, you son of a Mitch! If you’re a junior, I don’t.
David Wright – Joined the Mets in San Fran so he could work with the trainers. One of the most injured players in baseball is traveling to see the Mets trainers. Is this a two negatives make a positive situation or will Wright spontaneously combust? Stay tuned!
Justin Verlander – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA 2.78. In the 2nd half, it’s been more like jUsTIN vERlaNdeR. Has been great for Ks still, but his 2nd half ERA is 4.36.
Tyler White – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. He’s homered every game since May 22nd, so you tell me if you think he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column.
Shohei Ohtani – Will start on Sunday. Everyone should be pissed at prospects not getting called up because of service time concerns. Y’all should be equally pissed at what the Angels are doing to Ohtani. He needs surgery, you idiots! Read this headline from Sports Illustrated in June, “Ohtani’s UCL Injury Isn’t Related To Old Tear.” Ohtani’s UCL tear is like a freakin’ movie ticket stub! Every time he passes an old guy it gets ripped! Holy crap, guys, DL him and send him for surgery! This is the Angels, what, fifth pitcher they’ve tried this crap with? Seriously, what in the holy eff? UCL tears don’t magically heal!
Matt Shoemaker – Could start next week. He’s made one start this year as he returns from forearm surgery. Or as they say in English Lit, “Foreshadowing of Ohtani’s 2019.”
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. He’s burned me a few times in lit matchups (pun!), so I’m not really running back to grab him, but the Stream-o-Nator does love his next start.
German Marquez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Okay, thirteen Ks is making me forget a lot about his distant past, like how he sounds like an exiled Nazi. His recent past is spectacular. His 2nd ERA is 2.80. You ain’t no Justin Verlander, which is a great thing! His home ERA is still 5.77, so I can’t imagine starting him in Coors, but if you see somewhere he can use his skills learned as a Road Scholar, I’d hope on him.
Chris Stewart – Diamondbacks acquired him for…I don’t know, $50 Chipotle gift card?
Robbie Ray – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.55. I started him, and started him and started him and started him and started him and*changes record* Sorry, it must’ve got scratched. Ray on my team has a 5.15 ERA and 1.53 WHIP! So, of course, I dropped him after his last start, avoiding this one. I’ve been played. Nay, I’ve been Ray’d.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd this week, hitting near-.333 in the last week, and I grabbed him in my RCL league as a batty call yesterday, so that was a nice, unprotected, sexy encounter. Thinking I might hold him for a few days just to see if he can stay hot. For what it’s Werth, he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I considered it. Enticing!
Mike Clevinger – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.17. Clevinger’s line is a little misleading. He gave up two runs in a blast by LinkedIn fanboi, Ehire, but there was an error preceding it, so unearned. Sounds like nepotism. Ya know, how that Ehire succeeded.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .207. He’s cut his strikeouts a bit since his demotion (they’re still awful), and everything else is nearly identical (which is obviously not good). Just Sano.
Eddie Rosario – Right quad strain just as he has four hits in his last seven at-bats. *holds pillow to face, screams* I’m good now.
Bobby Wilson – Acquired by the Cubs. All NL teams pull up their beach umbrellas and begin to fold their towels, saying, “They got Bobby Wilson, so we’re gonna beat traffic and head home early. Have a good rest of the season.”
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Perhaps life is all about expectations, because I was expecting an absolute trouncing in this start vs. the Cubs, and came away pleasantly surprised with just a small-scale hand-to-raw-ass spanking. Thank you, Folty, may I have another.
Mike Montgomery – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER as he returned from the DL. Was this his rehab start? Cause it kinda looks that way.
John Gant – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.34 and pitchslapped Joe Musgrove (6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.80). I am starting Gant and Gomber, which sounds like a peanut company, in a few leagues. Important leagues. Leagues I want to win, and I should be a lot more confident, because they’re putting up terrific numbers, but I am simply starting them. Maybe confidence will come after my pectoral implants.
Harrison Bader – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .277. A part of me wants to go all-in on Bader next year, and I prolly will, but a small part of me can’t help think of Piscotty, Aledmys, Wong, Ludwick, Gyorko and countless others who look great one year and then the following year someone else looks great and you never hear from the previous year great player. It’s like a Lazy Susan of great options that spins once a year. One year Moo Goo Try This Guy, next year they’re a Poo-Poo Platter.
