You ever scroll down an online recipe for 20 minutes to the actual recipe, and your index finger starts getting hot from the friction? Kyle Schwarber (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, 20th and 21st homer) is hotter than that. You ever get in your car, that’s been parked in the sun, touch the black steering wheel and see smoke rise from your palms? Schwarber’s hotter than that. You ever cut a habanero and touch your junk? Schwarber’s about that hot. So, Kyle Schwarber has eight homers in a five-game span. The only player with more was Shawn Green at nine homers in 2002. Cue a Jewish person saying Shawn Green was Jewish. Shawn Green also had the help of a four-homer game in that streak. And prolly steroids. And, yes, his yarmulke. Home runs since June 12th: Miami Marlins with 12; Schwarber with 12. Kyle Schwarber is the first player in MLB history to hit 11 homers from the leadoff spot in 13 games. Schwarber only had nine homers through the first two months of the season. I will now cackle for 45 minutes and be right back to you. WHAT THE WHAT. Hey, good for you if you have Schwarber, I do in a couple of leagues. Will it continue? What, multi-homers every game? Haha, c’mon, bros and five sisters. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.12. After the game, Joe called his former MLB pitcher brother, Tyson, who said, “It should’ve been me. All of it.” Look at Streamonator for Joe’s next start, which is pretty meh on him.

Jazz Chisholm – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .258. Definitely feel like I got caught up a little in the hype on Jazz. He’s been great, compared to where he was drafted, but in the grand scheme, about the same as Jorge Polanco on the Player Rater.

Zach Davies – 6 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 5 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.31, as the Cubs combined for a no-hitter. So, 7-inning games don’t count for no hitters, but you get credited for a no-hitter when you pitch six innings? As Gordon Ramsay would say, “Oh, f*ck off.” Not to be the old man yelling at the clouds, but when we’re removing pitchers, who have pitched in the rotation all year, before they’ve given up a hit, we’ve gone too far. Pitch counts were a mistake. We need to go back. This is ridiculous. If a guy is on a pitch count because of A) Injury. B) Not stretched out. C) There’s no C. Fine! Last night, Davies was pulled at 94 pitches without allowing a hit. C’mon, get out of here with that. That’s not a no-hitter. It’s barely a Quality Start.

Javier Baez – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. He needs to hit more homers. Not because I want homers from him, but because his average is down to .226, and the only chance to raise his average is homers.

Nick Pivetta – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 2 BBs, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.00. See what I said for Zach Davies. Replace ridiculous with riNickulous, and last night wasn’t even the most pitches Pivetta threw in a game, and he’s removed? Stop it. Right now.

Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 1 hit, 2 BBs, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Don’t even get me started about him being pulled after one hit, and 75 pitches. I’m losing my mind! Any hoo, Streamonator hates his next, and I agree.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 24th homer. Cake is slang for a big butt and Vlad is a great batter, so I’m bouncing around the idea of calling him Cake Batter. All those in favor–*before anyone can reply*–Great! Glad we agree!

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .255. Hey, Lu-Gu-Ju, have a July like Schwarber’s June. Please and thank you.

Anthony Kay – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.19, as he was recalled. Went like this, “We need a starter…” “Um…I’m thinking of someone.” “Who?” “Give me a second, kay?” “Sure, he’s good as any.”

Lucas Sims – Hit the IL with a sprained elbow. The new Reds’ closer job could go to Amir Garrett, but Muslim Mrs. Garrett is not advisable unless you’re boarding a bunch of 80’s chicks. Instead of Muslim Mrs. Garrett, I’d go with anyone really, even Cloris Leachman. RIP. The Reds hopefully will go with Tejay Antone, who is actually good. David Bell choosing to go with the ‘good’ pitcher? Haha, is this sarcasm? Just to clarify it is not sarcastic (is it?). Last night, Bell turned to Brad Brach (1 IP, 0 ER, and the save), the candy tycoon. Brach’s had some success as a closer previously, so, ya know, what the hell. I’d go with him.

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .343. The Greek God of Hard Contact pointed to his mother in the stands after his home run, she was in section 4A thru 4F.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer, hitting .254. I keep busing knowledge into your temple about how Freeman’s not hitting for a good enough average, but he’s most definitely not disappointing for power. *catches a fart, throws it towards a picture of Juan Soto*

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-5, and his 12th homer, hitting .253. I keep saying Swanson’s a Buy Low, but, ya know, everyone but Acuña is a Buy Low on the Braves.

Akil Baddoo – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .282, as he’s been moved to the leadoff spot. It’s a low-energy compliment, but Baddoo’s OPS is higher than Betts and Soto. Baddoo will be in this afternoon’s Buy, which you can get right now on the Patreon.

Luis Garcia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Is it too early to declare the Astros vs. the Giants in the World Series? It sure feels that way, right? Just ridiculous performances from randos. The league’s hottest hitters behind Kyle Schwarber:  Myles Straw (4-for-6, 3 runs and his 10th steal), Chas McCormick and Abraham Toro. They aren’t rando enough for you?

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 12th homer. After his home run on Monday, I said something about Captain Woo Cubano that implied he’s been a little yawnstipating. He’s homered in three of four games since. His hot streak had nothing to do with what I said. I know this because: See Juan Soto and Cody Bellinger.

Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Ya know the wild thing about my Bassitt sleeper from this preseason? I didn’t start the post with ‘Simon Says’ and you still drafted him. Well done, but it doesn’t count now. Sorry, Simon Says rules are pretty straightforward–*intern whispers in ears*–We were never playing Simon Says, huh? Interesting. What’s also wild about Bassitt, he’ll be under-drafted next year too.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. You know Jed was gonna hit well in a road game at Arlington, with all their Texas tea. Now he can move up to Beverly.

Mark Canha – Having an MRI on his hip strain and I never thought I’d care so much about Mark Canha. Be well, old friend. This opens a spot for Tony Kemp, if I can *holds handkerchief to head* continue.

Whit Merrifield – 1-for-3 and his 21st steal, hitting .272. Wow, I had no idea he had that many steals. Is he trying to run himself off the Royals?

Jameson Taillon – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.18. Streamonator didn’t like this start vs. the weak-sister Royals, and I agree, i.e., I don’t trust Taillon at all.

Aaron Judge – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Don’t watch many Yankees games, because I don’t have many guys on my fantasy teams from the Bombers. Was watching yesterday, and Judge with the short porch is just so goofy. He hits a pop-up out to right. Like how is that even real?

Luke Voit – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Luke told Brad Keller, “I am your father.”

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. It’s crazy how good Gary looks these last few weeks. Going up the middle, hitting line drives, still hitting homers, not getting hit in the nuts, and it’s all working for him. Oh, and he’s still a .240 hitter, but it’s better than being a .150 hitter he was last year, and .190 hitter he looked like coming into this year.

Zach Plesac – Threw two 20-pitch innings in rehab. Cleveland said, “One inning on flat ground, one on a mound.” So, there is a flat earth! For what it’s Cronenworth, I’ve already stashed Plesac.

Randy Dobnak – Hit the IL with a finger strain. That’s gonna make it hard for him to maintain his 5-star Uber rating.

J.C. Mejia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.94. Fun fact! Mejia’s first name is Lord’s Name In Vain. Weird that he abbreviates it J.C.

Adam Frazier – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .330. As he rounded the bases on his home run, he spun a cardboard arrow that he stole from outside a Subway sandwich shop. The arrow read, “Trade,” and he pointed it at himself.

Bryan Reynolds – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .313. Reynolds spun an arrow that read, “The Pirates traded Glasnow who was under team control, you don’t think they’ll trade me?” Then it had his phone number.

Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.78. There should be some sorta clause in every pitcher’s contract that if you give up five or more earned runs to the Pirates, you need to go to the minors for a month.

Tommy Edman – 1-for-3 as he was moved to the six hole. There was a major shakeup in St. Louis. Paul DeJong moved to the 8-hole; Dylan Carlson moved to leadoff; Lars Nootbar moved to aisle seven by the Wheat Thins and Teddy Grahams.