This should go down easier than Danny Salazar‘s last start, but it’s still not going to be that easy to digest. You have a Tums handy? Good, take like seven of them. Don’t worry, if they give you kidney stones, it will take your mind off of K-Zar. Something is wrong. I hypothesized that he was tipping his pitches last time. It didn’t make sense that he would strikeout more guys in four innings than anyone has ever while still getting rocked. Maybe he is, I still have no idea. I don’t have my degree from the University of Pitch Scouting, which is still in a heated lawsuit with the United Parcel Service. You should sign the online petition for the United Parcel Service to change to the acronym NBU for Nice Brown Uniforms. If an online petition can’t get something changed, what can? Member when people actually protested things and not just clicked a box on an online petition site? Those in-person protestors were silly! Any the hoo! A larger problem with K-Zar is his velocity is down. Still decent for most mortals, but he could be hiding a larger issue with his arm. The other day when he K’d ten guys in four innings, it might’ve masked a bigger problem. Yesterday’s start was a real eye-opener — 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER and only 3 Ks — is terrible. That’s not tipping pitches, that’s something is wrong. The final ruling on K-Zar is you should hold him if you can, but I don’t think the short-term is going to be pretty. Obviously, you can’t start him next time out or until he throws a decent start. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Brantley – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I like him/own him and even I/me will admit that he’s yawnstipating. No one ever confused a 15 HR, 15 SB guy with Viagra.
Michael Bourn – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal. Nice, the injury didn’t cause Bourn to forget his identity.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 4-for-4 with the Joey Votto cycle! Chisenhall will be in this afternoon’s Buy, but you can grab him now. A’la Ralph Fiennes, “I pardon you.”
Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Had some unfortunate luck with an error. Well, wasn’t all unfortch, Verlander did have one error that resulted in one run. I’m sorry (not sorry), but he doesn’t look like the same pitcher that we were so used to seeing.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer and third steal for a good ol’ fashioned slam & legs. Sign that it’s early or the apocalypse, Kinsler has more homers than Miggy.
Clayton Kershaw – Threw a 35-pitch session and is aiming for a mid-May return due to his injured back. So, no setback? Or is that he has a set back? Back set? Etsay ackbay? No, that’s just Pig Latin. Puig, “You called me?”
Hanley Ramirez – Was drilled on the hand by Vogelsong on Wednesday night — I knew you could do something worthwhile, Vogelsong! — and Hanley had to sit out yesterday with a sore hand. He’s day-to-day. Puig, “Bench company, yay! Wanna play Punch Buggy? Oh, shoot, Mattingly’s got me playing today. Cheerio!”
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Puig, “When Ryu uppercut punches, does he make that Street Fighter sound?”
Angel Pagan – Didn’t start yesterday with knee soreness. Bochy told reporters Pagan should be fine today. In related news, Bochy was wearing a red hat the other night during the lunar eclipse.
Madison Bumgarner – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. More like Madison You’re A Bumgarner! Right?! Oh, I need a nap. *clapping hands* I’m back!
Hunter Pence – 2-for-3 and his 3rd steal as he only has one homer. That’s gonna really mess up his OCD. Someone let him hit two homers quickly before he starts peeing into milk bottles.
Casey Janssen – Shut down after feeling renewed pain in his back. Kershaw’s owners just bit their nails. “People have renewed pain in their back? But Kershaw won’t, right? Right? Please tell me right!” Santos’s hold on the closer job just got at least a month longer. And then…
Sergio Santos – 0 IP, 3 ER and the blown save in the 2nd game of the doubleheader. I doubt Sergio is gone without a lot more sucking while blowing games (hey, Santos is like the Mega Maid in Spaceballs).
Brian Dozier – 3-for-8, 4 runs, and a slam and double helping of eggs. Too bad hitting behind him wasn’t Coffebello. The power and speed is real from Dozier, but the average won’t be good. He’s kinda like a middle infield version of Krispie Young. I will call him Nipsy Hustle.
Chris Colabello – 5-for-7, 1 run, 4 RBIs. I don’t want to get greedy (here’s where I get greedy), but hit some homers! Ya know, Colabello show the pop.
Jose Reyes – Weather is iffy on Friday, so he’ll be re-joining the Blue Jays on Saturday. So, mark Reyes down for a definite start in all domed stadiums!
R.A. Dickey – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Why do you still own him? Seriously, if you want to get screwed by a Dickey, it’s none of my business, but it shouldn’t be R.A.
Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. I saw his line and I was like, “Nice first start,” then I looked at his 0.93 ERA and it made no sense. He had to pitch on a Friday and Saturday when I’m not doing roundups, and lo and behold that was exactly what happened. Wow, Gibson, don’t mind if I do! *looking up his peripherals* Oh, he’s been hella lucky and, yes, I still say hella. He was a decent prospect at one point, and I could see grabbing him, but as the Stream-o-Nator says, his next start isn’t great.
Alex Wood – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Has a 2-2 record and a 1.67 ERA. Stupid Braves offense. To do the pitching, defense and three-run homer Earl Weaver attack, you gotta get the three-run homer. Once in a while!
A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he pitched with a hernia. Today, I wondered, “What is a hernia?” and I Googled it, then went to Wikipedia and BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE! Can’t Wikipedia put a warning when there is going to be full frontal, deformed male nudity? Or at least manscape your subjects.
Tanner Scheppers – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. If you continue to hold him, you are not paying attention, so you’re not reading this. In that case, I have a confession, I was the one that parked so close to your car that you couldn’t get into your car. My bad, I thought I left room.
Elvis Andrus – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 steals, his 5th and 6th. He never gets any love in drafts and I have him on a few teams and I’m okay with that. As for Prince Fielder, doode looks like Chet when Lisa transformed him into a pile of crap.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5 and his first homer. When someone yells his name, the proper response is gesundheit.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .414. No, of course it won’t last, but nothing stopping you from picking him up until it ends.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. The Rangers are doing what they can to give people options for a corner infidel in leagues where you lost Beltre or Zimmerman.
Corey Hart – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. So, you’re telling me I shouldn’t have dropped Hart for Colabello? *ring, ring* Yes, this is Grey. This is the FCC? What did I do? Was it my nasally podcast voice? Oh, you’re Fans of Chris Colabello! *click* I don’t want to talk to them.
Erasmo Ramirez – 2 IP, 5 ER. People got mad at me in the comments for saying you should drop him after his first start. I was saying it from someone who struggled through owning him last year, and he was simply a flyer in most leagues. You really need to look elsewhirez.
Taylor Jordan – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Michael Jordan was His Airness; Taylor Jordan is His Can’t Repair-This. He isn’t really startable in NL-Only leagues.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-3, 1 run as he returned from a dislocated finger. I wonder if he used that new app, Find My Finger.
Doug Fister – Threw two innings in an extended spring training game. Next time he’ll throw three innings and then four innings and then…Well, you get the picture. He’s aiming for a return on May 7th.
Chase Headley – Sat out again with a biceps strain. Not sure why he doesn’t just go on the DL. Maybe he figures he can play through it since even when he’s healthy he doesn’t seem to have any biceps.
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Had a no hitter for the first five innings like a half dozen other starters yesterday. Too bad Kennedy’s daddy had to pay off the mafia for him to pitch well. Kennedy’s final pitching line looks like it should be in the dictionary next to Hodgepadre, if that was an actual word in the dictionary and not just our glossary.
Chris Denorfia – 2-for-4, hitting .295. Has been hitting, and I’d point out that he’s been in the two hole, but he has 3 runs on the year. Haha. Oh, Padres. Their number two hitter is on pace for less than 30 runs. That’ll change, of course, he’ll end up with around 50 runs. Oy.
Brett Anderson – Underwent surgery on his broken finger. He had four pins inserted. Somewhere, there’s a little old lady that can’t find the pins in her sewing kit. Not cool, Brett. Not. Cool.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Don’t look now but Arenado has a .292 average. You’re good, I didn’t say Simon says to not look.
Michael Cuddyer – Left yesterday game with a hamstring cramp. If it’s not one day-to-day scenario with Cuddyer, it’s another.
Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. I hope the Yankees win the pennant just so I can see them celebrate by spraying Milk of Magnesia on each other. It treats fecal incontinence, don’t waste it!
Brian McCann – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd home run. More like Braun McCann! *high-five self*
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. The Year I Hit Better Than A-Rod Did The Year Before, that’s a chapter title in Solarte’s autobiographical pamphlet. It’s more just like pages with really long titles. Solarte should absolutely be owned at this point if you’re hurting at corner infidel.
CC Sabathia -7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Rays had a hard time hitting him because they couldn’t stop thinking they were facing an anorexic Professor Klump. “It’s just not funny anymore.” That was Zobrist as he shook his head.
David Price – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.39. I’m above telling you that I said not to draft him and I won’t say it again when he pitches poorly, though I will point out that I won’t point it out.
Lorenzo Cain – To the DL with a groin strain. That’s a shame– Wait, that means the Court Jester of SAGNOF, Jarrod Dyson, is going to play. All hail the Jester!
James Shields – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks. I watched this whole game and let’s just say the Astros never really had a chance. It was like Shields tucked them in at night, woke them up at 7 AM, helped them shower, piled them into a Ford Atlas and dropped them off at school. Guess I could’ve just said he took them to school.
Billy Butler – 1-for-3, 1 run. Not much to see there, but he hit the ball hard for the first time all year, and I think he might be coming out of his big, mooby funk.
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a steal. Aoki-dokie!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 1 RBI. Sure, it could have something to do with facing Scott Feldman, but Mostsuckass also looked like he was showing signs, a day after hitting a homer. Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 10 Ks. That was 127 pitches in 7 innings. Like it was a going out of business Sale.
Jon Lester – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. The White Sox have scored the most runs so far of any team too. Yes, those Pale Hoses have the most runs. Either way, Lester’s start was nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to fine pitching performances.
Koji Uehara – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. And you don’t need to worry about Mujica anymore. Buh-bye.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks. He’s reeling you in. You know that, right? You know that, right? Reel, reel, reel. He’s doing it, and you’re falling for it. He’s going to explode old YoGa style, releasing mighty snatch-fire all over your beautiful fantasy team. I promise you.
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (1 BB), 3 Ks. Granted, the Brewers aren’t a team that takes many walks. (Ryan Braun was one that used to, but his OBP is .288! It’s early, but wow.) But still Edinson BBquez with only one walk? And his walk rate on the year is 1.71. His walk rate wasn’t that low in tee ball when he used to just stand on the mound while the ball was placed on the tee. Ray Searage, I believe you and your magic is real!
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Finally! McCutchen, if you were a much older woman, I would kiss you!
Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer this week. I won’t flat-out recommend you pick him up, but while you’re picking him up, I will look the other way.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I should’ve wrote for him 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a single, because that’s really the thing to point out with him. He has 6 homers on the year and 4 singles. He’s downright donkeyish — Pedro Alvarez, The Burro.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but of course he will, he’s been in every one this year.
Peter Bourjos – 1-for-4, 2 runs. Oh, that’s Jon Jay’s line, not Bourjos. Bourjos didn’t play. Hey, Bourjos, Jon Jay has hit himself in front of you on the depth chart. Hide your face in shame. Hide it!
Adam Wainwright – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (2 Hits), 8 Ks. I’d Tinder him. By the by, my friend is on Tinder. Here’s someone they got matched to.
