Hashtag, oh em gee. Hashtag, my hashtag is an honors student. Hashtag, back again, check it to wreck it, let’s begin. Corey Seager was called up. I just got goosepimplies on the butterflies that are in my stomach. I just can’t. *puts handkerchief to forehead, falls back and Giancarlo catches me, wakes to Giancarlo holding me, faints again and every time I reawaken and see Giancarlo, I faint once more* I just had a fainting fit thinking about Seager. Okay, now that we got the histrionics out of our systems. What’s the best Seager does this year? A few homers, a few steals and marries your sister? What’s the worst? Nothing. Of course, I’d pick him up in all leagues. I’m not goddamn goofy. I just wouldn’t hold out hope that he’s going to do anything that incredible this year. For the very short-term, Seager will fill in for Jose Peraza who is out with a sore hamstring. Yesterday, Seager hit eighth going 2-for-4 with 2 runs, 2 RBIs. When Peraza returns, Seager will play a few games a week, and maybe hint at the insane ability he possess, but saving the bulk of his wonderful until next year. Remember, Mike Trout did nothing in his first trip through the majors. Clayton Kershaw looked awful in his first trip through the majors. Right now, Buxton looks awful, and he will be great. Seager can go 5-for-35 with 20 Ks in September and it means nothing. Sorry to sober up your rookie nookie. You were wet-kissing your fantasy team and it was weird. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mat Latos – 4 IP, 4 ER. Instead of Latos and Alex Wood, the Dodgers would’ve been better off trading for two of the Three Stooges impersonators from the Universal City Walk. They’re actually pretty good.
Colin Rea – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.47. Meh, more of a fan of Rea’s during her Sabrina days.
Yangervis Solarte – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. If you want to pick him up, go for it. I promise to not pick him up and jinx him.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. I’m reminded of the fable about how the big bad wolf drafted Gyorko two years in a row and then laid down in his house and blew the roof onto himself. Maybe I’m remembering it wrong.
Miguel Sano – Didn’t start yesterday due to his hamstring. I was wondering why it was so overcast yesterday with nary a ray of sunshine.
Glen Perkins – Out for about a week with a sore back that made it hard for him to walk. In other words, Jepsen could be the closer for the rest of the year. In other other words, Perkins is done, Jepsen gets saves. In other other other words, Glengarry Glen Not Boss.
Phil Hughes – Threw a bullpen session yesterday. The pitching coach said he looked good. The kid standing just beyond the bullpen wall said, “You suck, you sucking sucker! Blow me!”
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, a grand slam. I knew Rosario would be good. Sure, technically, I was talking about Wilin Rosario, but why are you so nitpicky with semantics? Donald Trump would call you a loser or worse if you were a woman.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-5, 1 run. Oh, yeah, Escobar’s gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need to wait for that to grab him.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.84. There’s a lot to say on Gibson– *text message coming in* “You have reached your data limit.” Oh, shoot, oh well. I guess we’ll have to leave whether to start Gibson to the Stream-o-Nator.
Erik Johnson – Will start on Sunday vs. the Royals, which sounds awful, but everything associated with the White Sux this year sounds awful. The Red Sux have their pitching problems, but the White Sux are a real shizz show. Any hoo! Johnson has been terrific in the minors (9+ K/9, 2.37 ERA), but you gotta have bigger trouser oranges than you have brains if you start him on Sunday without accepting a ton of risk.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.87. You know when you’re listening to a great song on the radio? Volume all the way up. Windows down, screaming along to the lyrics. That moment you enter an indoor parking garage and lose radio reception. That exact moment is known as Samardzija.
Michael Taylor – Didn’t start yet another game due to his knee. Said like Gordon Ramsay, “Damn, what a shame.”
Bryce Harper – 0-for-0, 4 runs, 1 RBI and 4 walks. “Hey, I trademarked that!” Sorry, Barry Bonds, you forfeited rights to that line when you destroyed all records with steroids.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. Is there anyone hotter right now? Not to answer, but to put on a blank stare and nod your head like you’re talking to your woman.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and has hit in 11 straight games. He was hitting eighth yesterday, which is kinda death for an NL’er, but he has been hot schmotato’ing.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Not a ton of games yesterday, but there was even less pitching. It makes sense, you just have to think about it for a second.
Ben Zobrist – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. The Royals faced Flavor Flav’s favorite pitcher, Matt “Yeah” Boyd, who’s not very good, but trust me when I say you don’t want any pitchers facing the Royals right now.
Kendrys Morales – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs. He’s on his way to a 115 RBI season. Yeah, that is as crazy as it sounds for Morales.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (20). Fun Fact! Duck, Duck, Goose started as a game played in mainland China where a chef would go around a circle of ducks with a meat cleaver. The “goose” was dinner. As for Anthony Gose, I own him in multiple leagues, but they’re deep leagues and he’s been pretty yawnstipating. I could see a Pollock-type breakout next year, but this year he’s been whatevs.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs. As he has for the last two months or so, he will be in this afternoon’s Buy. Oh, Castellanos, why doesn’t anyone care for you like I do?
Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 34th and 35th homers, now four homers in two games. I bet you’re glad you listened to me and bought him low in June. You didn’t? Aw shucksie-boo-boo! C’mon, sit on my lap and tell me your problems. Ew, figuratively! Get off my lap! And why aren’t you wearing pants?!
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. Imagine I’m saying “I’m in the middle of a Torenado,” but I’m saying it directly into an industrial-sized fan that is on high. Cool, right?
Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th steal. Tulo who?! He was a much loved shortstop that played many years in Colorado. I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s a figure of speech. ‘Tulo who’ is a figure of speech? Like a verb?
Tim Lincecum – Done for the year after having hip surgery. He’s hoping to be back for Spring Training, as long as he’s not Huey Lewis’ing. You know, too hip to be sore.
Andrew McCutchen – Didn’t start yesterday due to a tight Achilles. As my maid, Esmeralda, once said, I’d rather a tight Achilles than a loose chilaquiles. I’m not sure what she meant by that.
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks vs. Taylor Jungmann 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. I said, Jungmann, there’s no need to feel down. I said, Jungmann… As for F-Liriano, indeed. F. Liriano. I’d look at him as a streamer in most mixed leagues at this point. He has a good next matchup, but yesterday was good too, and we see how far that took him. I think Liriano is a matchup-schmatchup guy. He could be dynamite or Jimmie Walker’s career after saying Dy-no-mite on any given night.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Oh, that’s six homers in 25 games. Yeah, I’m in love. Like full-on, print out pictures of his face and pasting them to my pillow and not with traditional glue.
Daniel Murphy – Day-to-day with a mild strain of his left quad. His right quad just disappointingly shook its head and pointed at his left quad.
Matt Harvey – Mets said he will make his next start. I kinda love the Mets because they are such gooftards. Here’s them last week, “We will skip Harvey due to innings concerns.” Here’s them this week, “He will make his next start after leaving his last game due to dehydration.” Guys, Mets, bros, you can skip him. S’cool. Though, Schilling says only “‘5 to 10% of pitchers who are shut down early end up avoiding injury’ how’d that work?” By the way, real shame about Schilling being suspended for the remainder of the season. Now he has no choice but to go back to bankrupting Rhode Island.