Close your extraneous browser windows right now–Not this one! This is not extraneous. How dare you, sir. Okay, now that the other browser windows are closed, open your fantasy team window. The team that’s hurting for offense and wouldn’t mind a top 10 outfielder. Yes, that team. Great, now go to waivers–Are you signed in? God damn it! Sign yourself in! Your password is Belle&Sebastian#1Fan. Okay, now that you’re signed in, go to waivers and grab Jarred Kelenic, he’s being promoted this Thursday. So, what to expect? Everything? Does that work for you? He’s already a 1st ballot “I can’t believe the Mets traded him away” Guy and he hasn’t played one MLB game. He could be 25/10/.290 this year. That obviously might be pie-in-the-sky-hopes, but that’s what we’re looking at in the range of possibilities. That’s otherwise known as “What you would’ve gave Haniger’s left nut to get from George Springer.” Realistically, we might see 17/7/.270. I’ll guess we’ll see, since Kelenic is coming in two days, but who’s counting? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Framber Valdez – Could throw a bullpen session this week. Framber is healing like the Predator, if you were to put on the Predator for six weeks and just let it play on a loop while Framber healed normally.
Luis Garcia – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Is a skilled reliable pitcher. Boring. Maybe. Reliable isn’t usually sexy. You don’t have people clamoring for reliable. Reliable starters are a lot like nice guys. They finish last (in being added from waivers). Sexy Nate Pearson? Oh yeah. I’m sitting on MacKenize Gore in three leagues. Logan Gilbert gives me goose pimples on my arm and I’ve never seen him face one major league hitter. Luis Garcia? You mean Boring Luis Garcia? Yeah, he’s boring and reliable. That might not be such a bad thing. It’s not even his stats that are necessarily that boring. He has a 10 K/9, and under 3 BB/9 with a 94 MPH fastball and dynamite change, as he commands four pitches. What might be the most reliable thing about him is he’s reliably on waivers in every league, and his appearance. He’s big-boned. Big-boned is reliable. Big-boned is husky, and that’s reliable. That’s the uncle who picks you up from your game when your dad is at the bar telling war stories. “Did I ever tell you the time I threw for 375 yards against Tuskanoozer State?” That’s Dad. Uncle Luis Garcia is taking you for Dairy Queen. Thank you, Luis Garcia. Oh, and I streamed him, ignoring the Streamonator. Eat it, SON! I got Uncle Luis Garcia. (And they said I couldn’t write 500 words about Luis Garcia. Ha!)
Jared Walsh – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (2), hitting .347. Bound to have some regrets, but one of my biggest is not digging my heels in on Walsh in the preseason, and letting the fear that Maddon wouldn’t play him knock down my enthusiasm. Walsh is missing again, this time from all my teams.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4, and his 7th homer, hitting .216. That’s seven, J-Up. Haha, the uncool-a-pick-in-every-draft.
Tyler Mahle – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Hey, that T. Mahle’s pretty hot, but that wildness could lead to a lot of runs.
Tyler Naquin – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .278. The only days I can get him in my lineup are short schedule days, so let me say this with all honesty, I could kiss Tyler Naquin. Come here, and let me smooch you, you grown man who will prolly run away from me and call the cops! Give it to me with those homers on short schedule days! By the way, Eugenio Suarez, who plays every day in a run-producing spot in a run-generating lineup, has how many RBIs? 13. How many does Naquin have? 24. Yeah, man, come here and I will plant a smackeroo.
Todd Frazier – DFA’d by the Pirates. Colin Moran going down seemed to open space in the lineup, but the Pirates are playing to win now, and acquired Ben Gamel, a guy that’s only been DFA’d three times vs. the four times like most of their roster. Since the era of Black Beard, Pirates have been chasing booty, and the Pittsburgh Pirates have almost achieved total booty-ness.
Jacob Stallings – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. That puts him on pace for seven homers this year, and, honestly, that sounds about right. Next to yawnstipating in the dictionary is Stallings.
Jacob deGrom – Hit the IL with side tightness. In or Out, which side? Listen, I’m basically a doctor and I like to know the deets. This is going to be a recurring issue with starters all year — phantom IL stints. After every starter went roughly 75 IP last year, they’re going to have to throttle their innings. Mets are just a very smart, proactive organization. Okay, last part was sarcastic, but deGrom, and every starter is going to miss starts this year. Is deGrom that hurt? No, he’s just sore. Maybe buy low, if you’re into that sorta thing.
Luke Weaver – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Would’ve been too easy for him to pitch exactly the same way against exactly the same team five days ago, right? Streamonator hates his next start, but I’m committed in weekly leagues. Take it easy on me, Weaver.
Stefan Crichton – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.97, and his 4th save, as Joakim Soria (1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 9.82) pitched the 8th. That pretty much settles any mystery there with Crichton. He’s got closer DNA in his amber.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .229. Yes, he’s above Abreu too. Laughs maniacally for ten minutes, then: Poison me with ricin.
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Insanely short schedule day so live with my pain for a second. In a 12-team NL-Only team, I have a 12 in ERA, and Ks, 11 in Saves, and 10 in WHIP. Knowing what you know about how I draft, my hitting must be insane, right? Sure, I have Juan Soto, Cody Bellinger, Trevor Story, Raimel Tapia, and Anthony Rizzo. In other words, I’m in 10th place overall in a league where I have a 2.98 ERA, because my hitting is nonexistent. After drafting all hitting!
C.J. Cron – Hit the IL with a lower back strain. You know what this means? More playing time for Connor Joe. Now where’d he come from, where did he go? Where’d he come from, Connor Joe? He looks like he could hit 17/.270 with good contact and a great OBP, which means Bud Black will never play him, and turn back to Fatt Adams.
Cody Bellinger – Resumed running on a field. Hope it wasn’t Sally.
Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .232. Now starring David Tennant as Mountcastle. “Ya bloody believe the neigh’or is up to sometin’.” “Is that British or Jamaican, Mountcastle?” “Shh, I’m undercover.”
Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I was about to say just give him the Comeback Player of the Year award now, then I decided to do a google for who was the sponsor of the award to see if there was anything funny I could say, and the award was sponsored by Viagra. The COMEBACK Player is sponsored by Viagra! So, the Relief award was sponsored by Rolaids, because that provides relief, and the Comeback award was sponsored by Vigara because that produces Comebacks?