Jake Delivers Homer-Pleasing Duo Of Lamb Chops

Since I haven’t touted my wares in a minute, I wrote a Jake Lamb sleeper post last December.  Going back to read that now, and, I don’t often laugh at my own stuff, but the opening paragraph is funny.  Not unintentionally either, like I called Aaron Judge a preseason bust (I actually liked Judge a lot in the preseason, and own him; something I also don’t tout often — the hype’s strong enough, isn’t it?).   Then, into the 2nd paragraph, I drop more gems, but they’re useful vs. haha.  One gem that particularly stands out to me as I reread it, Jake Lamb hates the summer.  He might also dislike girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch.  Before yesterday’s 2-for-5, 6 RBIs, two-homer game, Lamb had a .150 average in July with no homers.  Last year, as I point out in that post, he was just as bad — 9 HRs, .197 in the 2nd half.  Last year, there was a wrist problem — That’s what she said!  What? — so maybe his splits aren’t as obvious as a banana gymnast.  Here’s hoping he makes last year an outlier and not the beginning of male pattern badness.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Taijuan Walker – Out on paternity leave.  Later today, Taijuan will raise his newborn to the sky, “I will call you Taijuan Crawler.”  Nurse, “So, you don’t want him to have your last name?”  “Hmm, can we make Crawler his middle name, so he’s a Crawler then Walker?”

Patrick Corbin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.43.  His ERA is actually a bit misleading.  He could have a 3.30 ERA and isn’t pitching most worse than guys like Lynn, Berrios and Gerrit Cole, to name a random three.  Corbin might be an early under-the-radar starter for next year who has a terrible April and causes me an ulcer.  We shall see!

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-3 and his 15th and 16th homers, hitting .256, as he hit 2nd with Cozart on the bench.  All good, Eugenio’s having a solid season, but, seriously, how are the Reds tying their shoelaces wearing those kid gloves for Zack Cozart?  He needs to sit every fourth game?  Does he have Lyme disease?  Cause that shizz infected Irene from The Real World: Seattle and looks real nasty.

Keone Kela – Activated from the DL.  I go over this more in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I have no idea who the closer in Texas will be now.  Claudio has made himself a nice hamlet in the 9th inning, but Kela could step right in.  I’d own both until further news.

Cole Hamels – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.78.  You know where Ben Stiller went wrong with Simple Jack, right?  Well, yesterday, this guy went Hole Camels.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  Damn!  I had him all this week, because he was hot, but yesterday I dropped him for Drury, who didn’t even play.  Ugh, and this is only interesting to me!  Any hoo!  Napoli is a schmotato.

Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Somebody didn’t appreciate me leaving him off the top 100 for the 2nd half.  Well, I don’t appreciate him either.  So there.

Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer.  I know, I know, broken record.  I know, I know, broken record.  I know, I know–Scratch!  Sorry.  But Trumbo has to get hot at some point.

Chris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer.  Third homer this week, and more or less samesies as Trumbo.  Too bad for the O’s they need 10+ runs a game to even make it interesting with their pitching.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .302.  Offense is up, said Mr. Exposition, but, c’mon, Schoop is still underappreciated.  I mean, look at his numbers.

Jaime Garcia – Acquired by the Twins.  Twins love these types of moves, where they land some also-ran and pretend to their fans they are actually attempting to make a run for the playoffs.  Pirates are also fond of these moves.  “You know who would look good on our team?  Yangervis Solarte!”  Okay, Pirates, if you say so.   Aaron Blair sounds likely to take Garcia’s rotation spot.  I’d like to B. Aaron Blair, but I wouldn’t own him.

Mike Foltynewicz – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.87.  What does his ERA need to be to make it worth learning how to pronounce his last name for in-person drafts next year?  3.40 or lower?

Brandon McCarthy – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.84.  Put out your hand, Stream-o-Nator, it’s getting smacked.  I’m sorry, you’re getting punished for this one.  Now don’t make me take off my Brandon Belt.

Sergio Romo – Designated for assignment.  His assignment is to stand on his head and impersonate a mushroom cloud with his chin hair.

Michael Fulmer – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.35.  The Regression Fairies are like the Grim Reaper.  A gay Grim Reaper.  When they come calling, you can shut off the lights to pretend you’re not home, but they will climb through your window and ask you if you still have that Britney Spears concert on your DVR from 2003, and blow your shizz up.  “Ugh, I was saving that to put it on eBay for the 15-year anni!”

Danny Duffy – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.71 vs the Tigers.  Overall, the Tigers’ offense isn’t as bad as you would think with a Miggy who looks like he’s in the bosom of Abraham, but, on the road, the Tigers are notta so good, but staked to a huge early lead didn’t stop Duffy from being just enoughy.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games.  It’s so cute how Hosmer’s rallying to get to 22 homers like that’s still a lot of homers.  Hey, guy, you’re a month slump away from being Markakis.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st steal, and his third career steal.  Maybe don’t give him a 89-foot lead next time.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .268.  Even when he does something good it’s in a snore-type game.  One-for-four, lowercase yay, how about some white bread with your cole slaw?  I wanna punch you in the nose, Polanco!

Felipe Rivero – 1 IP, 0 ER, 9th save, and ERA at 0.70.  I don’t talk much about closers who are in no danger of losing their job, but Philip Rivers is so bomb dot gov, I just gotta.  He throws 99 on the reg, his K/9 is 10.7, his BB/9 is 2.1, and he’s got, like, six devastating pitches!  Shame C**nt Hurdle is wearing out his arm so bad that everyone who pays the price next year will likely get burned.

Jameson Taillon – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.08.  Fun fact!  For a hernia test, instead of coughing, Taillon only needs to clear his throat.

Doug Fister – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.89.  Fister’s got a puncher’s chance of being released.

Dustin Pedroia – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .315.  I said the other day about how well Pedroia’s been hitting in July, and it continued yesterday (no dur).  He now has two homers in the last three games, and–Oh, forget it, he’s owned in 87% of leagues.  I mean, he’s doing well, but that feels a bit optimistic for Pedroia.

Justin Smoak – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homers, hitting .298.  Someone asked yesterday in the comments if they should drop Smoak, and I nearly lost it.  Pilates has brought such balance into my life that I can even handle a question about dropping a top 20 hitter.  Namaste.

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, as he was activated from the DL.  Renfroe!  Or as Scooby Doo says, Renfroe!

Cory Spangenberg – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  I thought his previous hot hitting was Coors-speak, so I didn’t pay it much mind, but he looks like he’s continuing to keep the schmotato roasting.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs the Padres, ERA at 3.57.  He seems like a gamer.  That’s a good thing, though with pitching it can lead to bad things.  I hope he’s not battling through anything that is going to hurt him long-term.  He seems like the type that wouldn’t say anything for like nine months, then, in March, he’ll say something like, “I wasn’t really 100% last year.”

David Phelps – Traded to the Mariners.  The Mariners said they like Phelps as a bridge to Diaz, and the word bridge made me think of the subpar third season of Fargo.  Y’all can claim there was more under the surface, but there might be more under the ocean surface too, but if I’m not seeing it, it’s all seaweed and later sushi.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Yankees, ERA at 3.88 .  The Yanks’ offense coming out of the break has looked anemic like Henrietta Lacks.  Surprised Todd Frazier’s not kickstarting that with his barely .200 average.

Luis Severino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21.  His peripherals are just gorgeous; he should be getting your respect.  Give him his just desserts!

Seth Lugo – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.05.  Against my better judgment, I started Lugo yesterday and my better judgment needs to eat a D!  *does six shots of tequila, signs up for helicopter lessons*  Better judgment can’t tell me shizz!

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer.  He has three homers this week, and batting a cool…Well, what’s three divided by a week?  .150?  Duda’s not in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you need power, I can see the add.  Speaking of ads, I had to make some adjustments due to a pop-up ad that kept appearing.  You were not hacked (at least not by me), and the ad is not supposed to pop-up, so if you see it, tell me and I’m doing my best to get rid of it.  It’s not intentional.

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .309.  That fastball has been…Phamished!

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.30.  At home, his ERA is 2.66.  Though, this game was in Metco.  In April, his ERA was 2.45.  Though, this game was in July.  At night, his ERA is 2.91.  Though, this game was during the day (unless watched in Japan).  What I’m saying?  Not a ton, to be honest.  Lynn’s had a solid season — 7.9 K/9, 3.1 BB/9 — but his 4.50 xFIP portends to less greatness, but I’m gonna portend I didn’t hear that.  Naw’mean?

Brett Cecil – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Aw, man, blown save!  Let’s bring in Trevor Rosenthal – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and the loss.  Yo, where my Oh’s at?!