Mets outfielder Michael Conforto was 2-for-3 last night, scoring two runs with his 12th home run, and three RBI. Could this be the start of something big? Who’s Conforto, you ask? Lol, you pleb–Don’t you know anything? He’s just an uber prospect for the New York Mets. *Sips cold brew coffee, adjust horn rimmed glasses, strokes beard* Sigh. You’ve probably never heard of him. Have I mentioned he’s the hipster’s favorite player? Do I really have to mention that? The man hit .365 with four homers, 11 doubles and 18 RBI in April, then completely fell of the planet. He was busy working on his documentary film/visual novel/app for dogs. Sitting in an abandoned warehouse turned secret speakeasy/corn hole arena/craft cider house/live-bluegrass music cafe, I sip my gluten-free organic cold brew coffee (cage-free beans, obv) and curl my finely waxed mustache, pondering what life would be like with a fantasy baseball championship. I put down my Gabriel García Márquez book (I only read South American novelists), let my hair free out of its man-bun, and realize that Michael Conforto could be the key to everything. All that magical realism is really paying off! Sure, he struggled mightily all year, and sure, Jay Bruce threatens to steal some of his playing time. But Bruce is also 2-for-31 (.065 BA) in the past two weeks, and Conforto’s got all the upside. If I were you, and I’m not, because I’m obviously way hipper than you, I’d grab Michael Conforto, who’s available in about 90% of fantasy leagues, before he gets hot. In fact, this could only make you cooler because when he does finally break out, that means you picked him up before he was cool. And there’s nothing cooler than that!
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:
Mookie Betts – 3-for-4. Mookie Betts is my patronus! For realsies, I cannot stress enough how literally Mookie Betts is carrying my fantasy team on his back right now. I hope he doesn’t crush under the massive weight of all my past failures.
Drew Pomeranz – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 4 K, W. When Pomeranz is the bomberanz. The Red Sox have won nine straight and are finally starting to play like the team they looked like they should be playing like all season.
Jose Peraza – 2-for-4, HR (3), 3 RBI. He’s got a four game hitting streak, he hits homers, he steals bases, he should be owned. Short and sweet. Two adjectives that no man wants to describe him.
Mauricio Cabrera – 1.0 IP, SV (6). Has now saved games on back-to-back nights. The Braves Manager said he wanted to give Jim Johnson an extra night off. So if you are relying on Johnson for saves you need not worry. Except for the fact that you are relying on the Braves closer for saves, you should probably be worried about that.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, HR (24). Has now homered in back-to-back days and is hitting .360 with 9 RBI in the past week. Well, look who finally decides to get hot immediately after I drop you for Ryon Healy. Now I can spend the next week deciding whether or not I should pick you up again.
Danny Duffy – 3.2 IP, 7 hits, 6 ER, 4 BB, 4 K. It is amazing to me how my pitching staff waited until the last two weeks in September to start being utterly and completely unstartable. I am looking at you Duffy, Rodon, Darvish, DeScalafani. I just need one more quality start from you fellas, and then you can go back to being terrible and I promise I will never draft you again.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, HR (27), 2 RBI. I say Mookie is carrying my team, but really it’s Mookie and Justin, but me and Justin haven’t spoken in about two months. If you think I won’t forgive you if you help me win a championship, you’re wrong. I will totally forgive you, Justin. Jupton has five homers in the past two weeks. Keep it up if you ever want me to refollow you on snaps!
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-5, HR (4). So we’ve had some fun at my expense today looking at my preseason picks, but if I may toot my own horn briefly, because I get so few opportunities to do so, Maybin is a guy I told you to grab back in late May and if you listened you probably benefited from that advice. I did good, ma! The system works!
Mike Napoli – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBI, SB (5). Maybe if you didn’t go 0-for-15 before this game I may have considered this a little more impressive.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 3 runs, HR (11), 4 RBI. Hey, I don’t have access to some of the stats as the yahoo guys, or possess the tools of the ESPN guys, and I lack the intelligence of the CBS guys but if I did have those things I bet I could show you a nice chart of the large percentage of winning teams that own Jose Ramirez. Wouldn’t that be a nifty stat to have! Oh well.
Shelby Miller – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 3 K. Certainly, one of Shelby’s more impressive starts this season, if not the most impressive. Especially considering he did it in Baltimore. The ‘Zona GM insists this is why they kept him around and it wasn’t about “saving facing” or “sparing myself the embarrassment,” although those are direct quotes from Dave Stewart.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, game winning HR (44) in the 12th inning. That’s what the happy trumbone sounds like! Like 44 homers and 103 RBI! More tinny though!
Matt Wieters – 3-for-5, HR (15). If you have catcher questions leave them in the comments, for old time’s sake!
Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 2 runs. This is likely the last time I get to recommend you pick up Devon this season. The end of an era!
Jake Arrieta – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, 0 ER, BB, 10 K, 18th W. For a pitcher who’s been “struggling,” his sub-3 ERA, 1.09 WHIP and 18 Ks in the past two weeks sure are pretty. Boy, I wish I had some struggling pitchers on my team!
C.J. Cron – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI. I could see drafting him next year, and him not playing and then dropping him in late April. Looking forward to it, C.J.!
Ken Giles – 0.1 IP, 3 hits, 6 ER, 3 BB, BS. Woof. When you’re trying to win your fantasy league but you own Ken Giles. When you can’t stop talking in memes. When your real life human girlfriend gets mad at you because you won’t stop talking in memes, so you send her a meme.
Jameson Taillon – 5.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 7 K. He’s pitching just good enough that I definetely still want to draft him next year, and just bad enough that I actually may be able to.
Sean Rodriguez – 2-for-6, RBI. Grey told you to BUY! And its starting to look like the Pirates actually want to make the postseason. He’s batting .345 with 4 homers and 8 RBI in the past week! Pick him up and win this thing!
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, run. Cutch is batting .339 with 9 runs, 4 homers and 14 RBI in the past two weeks. If Pittsburgh makes the playoffs we’ve all agreed on the name change, Andrew McClutchen.
Wil Myers – 2-for-3, HR (28), 3 RBI. As I’ve mentioned countless times, Wil “I Passed the Other L to the Player on my Left” Myers is starting to turn it on again as our competitive Overwatch season comes to a close. We trolled a lot of n00bs, got gud, maintained OP status, and as for that team mate of ours who told us to uninstall and kill ourselves. We found him online and facebooked him to death. Atta boy, Wily. That’s how you FPS.
Jon Gray – 4.0 IP, 3 hits, 4 ER, 3 BB, 10 K. Ten strikeouts in four innings! Sweet sassy molassy! This coming after his complete game 16 K performance versus San Diego last week! Oh man, I can’t wait until you get traded so I can own you everywhere.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, HR (38), 4 RBI (96). Wait, including Cano and Seager, the Mariners have a shot at having three players with 100+ RBI. That’s right, folks, the Seattle Mariners offense. Is this real life?
James Paxton – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 9 K, W. How is this guy owned in just 30% of leagues? Is it because Seattle is an offensive power house and not really known for the quality starting pitching? Fair enough.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, run. OK, so 1-for-4 is nothing to stop the presses over, but he’s leading off for a playoff team, he’s been hot, and he’s capable of going off any minute. Also, he was a BUY and I’m required in my Razzball contract to mention at least two buys in each post. I also have to mention the fantasy football site, the podcast, the stream-o-nator and send Grey’s wife flowers anonymously once a month. It’s kind of a weird contract. Lucky for them, I have experience signing bizarre billion year contacts.
David Ortiz – 2-for-5, HR (37), 2 RBI. Sigh. I’m going to miss you so much Big Papi. As of Friday night, he’s got the record for home runs in a final season, the record for RBIs in a final season, he leads the league in slugging and OBP, and he’s having arguably his best season to date. Papi has broken all the records, there are no more records left to be broken. No wonder he’s retiring. Ortiz admits the real reason he’s hanging up the cleats is to be the Patriots starting quarterback next year. Seems like a pretty easy gig. Everybody’s doing it!
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Good luck in your fantasy championships, over-the-internet friends! I hope all your teams win equally!