You emerge from mother’s basement, holding your hands up to your eyes to block the sun, and scream, “Ma! I won my fantasy league! Ma!” You stop to look around; it’s a fiery landscape reminiscent to an apocalypse. You open further the basement door, and it falls off its hinges. Scared, you whisper, “Ma?” There’s no walls anymore on your house, which gives you a vantage point to the entire surrounding area that smolders. Coming up your once-tree-lined street is a posse of thousands of–An army from another country? Another world? Who are these people? What have they done with your family? Just as the questions dissolve over you, a warrior spots you and grunts for you to get in line. You reach for the only weapon you can get your hands on, a Lou Pinella commemorative mini-bat from a 1981 stadium giveaway, and join the post-apocalyptic army. As you scuttle into position behind the marching forces, you see a group of warriors carrying your mother’s head on a pitchfork. Overcome with emotion, you run up and scream, “Ma! I gotta tell you about the fantasy league I won!” In this scenario, I am your mother, and the army is Razzball. You’re welcome! Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! That’s if you won your league, if you came in 2nd or worst, you get an A for effort.
Another baseball season is in the books, for our purposes at least — or porpoises, if you’re a dolphin — since no leagues I know of count game 163, and with a baseball season in the books, it means Cody Bellinger’s 2021 is now in the books, and, in conclusion, that is why they should burn books. Any questions? *calls on a white guy who looks zonked* Yes? “If I’m going to IHOP is it MeHOP, MyselfHOP or IHOP, or does it depend on usage?” God damn it, is that you Cody Bellinger?! Stop smoking so much weed! *Cody lowers his head, kicks a rock and walks out of the room* Okay, if there’s no more questions, I have one: how long until next year’s rankings come out?! Wait, I have to write them. When I’m done, I’ll start to put them on our Patreon. Now, one more question, what do I do for the next three months? Oh, yeah, write the rankings! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Michael Conforto – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer on Saturday. Conforto has likely played his last game for the Mets, and can I bet on him to win the 2022 MVP? Doesn’t even matter the league. He might be the first guy to win it in both leagues. The amount of goodwill the universe has for anyone leaving the Mets is insane. If Justin Turner went from a 12-homer guy on the Mets to his current production, Conforto might hit 70 homers next year.
Noah Syndergaard – 1 IP, 2 ER. Hey, Mets, is that the confidence boost heading into the offseason you thought it was?
Jorge Soler – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 27th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert–Oh, wait.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3, and his 46th homer. If Ohtani’s home run helped the Jays reach the playoffs, Vlad Jr. would’ve got my vote for AL MVP, but since it didn’t, I have to go Ohtani.
Triston McKenzie – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.95. It’s amazing that hitters can’t hit him, then suddenly he goes sideways, and they can hit him. I mean, that’s pretty standard, but it’s bizarre here, because Triston McKenzie going sideways means he disappears, so how do hitters see the ball?
Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer, as he was called up. The Pirates think the season is in June. Yo, Pirates, what you doin’, baby? Whatchu doin’? Because you’re legit crazy town bringing up Roansy with less than a week, then bringing up Cruz. I mean, I love it, don’t get me wrong, but, and I’m gonna pause here for emphasis, why? The Pirates started his clock the day before the season ended. That is possibly the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Any hoo! I love Oneil, and will definitely be writing a rookie outlook post for him in a few weeks.
Tyler Mahle – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.75. Me early Saturday, “Mahle’s got the Pirates. We got this!” Me Saturday night, “Hello, Reds’ front office, I was wondering if I could have Tyler’s home address. No, no, for friendly reasons.”
Joey Votto – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 36th homer, hitting .266. Honestly, no idea what to do with Votto for 2022. If you’re just going off what he actually did, he’s basically a top 50 overall guy. That seems outlandish.
Luis Robert – 1-for-2 and his 13th homer. it sucks so bad we didn’t get to see a whole season from him. If you remember, I went out on a limb with him in the preseason, then said limb snapped off the tree when he was hurt. He could’ve easily had a 35/25/.290 season if he stayed on the field. Yes, I’m going to love him again next year.
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer. People next year will be jacked out of their mind for Byron Buxton (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs his 19th) like they just mainlined Red Bull, but Polanco’s winning leagues.
Pablo Lopez – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.07, as he was activated from the 60-day IL. Trying to figure out if this is a glass half full or half empty for Pab-Lo’s game 162 return.
Jesus Luzardo – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 6.61. Wouldn’t be the final weekend of the season without a sonavabench!
Nick Fortes – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer in his 14th game. That’s how you come up out of nowhere, and get on Spring Training radars.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-1, 1 run, hitting .309. Whether or not he wins the MVP, and I think he will, let’s never forget his doppelgänger, Cher.
Bryce Harper as Cher, a thread #believe pic.twitter.com/yn0SL3UMeL
— Razzball (@Razzball) October 2, 2021
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Oh, I love that for fantasy, but was Gabe Kapler busy doing crunches and forgot they’re headed to the playoffs? They felt like he needed seven more innings for s’s and g’s? I guess they had the Dodgers breathing down their neck, but I would’ve thrown Cueto in back-to-back games Saturday and Sunday for 9 innings each game. Ha, imagine that? There’s no rule that says you can’t. “Hey, Johnny, we’re gonna need you to take the ice off your arm and give us nine more today.”
Logan Webb – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.03, and his 1st homer, pitchslapping Crismatt. Logan Webb is like, “I can do that Shohei parlor trick too.”
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 48th homer. Cake Batter did all he could for my fantasy teams and the Jays (in that order). Gonna suck when I draft him 5th overall next year and he shows up at camp with an extra 80 pounds of cake.
George Springer – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, hitting .264. As for the AL Wild Card, the Blue Jays got robbed but they’re tough, which is why I say they’re Rob Ford tough.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 45th homer, hitting .265. If Jays bring back Semien, I am begging you: I want to see fireworks for every Semien homer, but not fireworks, and instead a giant lotion bottle squirting into the air.
Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-1, 1 RBI and only pinch-hit late once his AL batting title was secure with a .319 average. After the game, Gurriel received a congratulatory call from Jose Reyes.
Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. Top 15 overall guy in 2022? Yes or no? I’m leaning no, but yes could kick out my feet so my “no leaning” falls into the yes column.
Seth Brown – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. The least talked about 20-homer season since Toby Harrah put up 20 in 1979?
Tanner Houck – 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Can I draft him now for 2022? How about now? Now?
Chris Sale – 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.16. Red Sox are the “Oh no what are you doin’ baby” of teams in the playoffs. I honestly can’t believe they got there with that team. Nick Pivetta is their best closer and best starter. I will now cackle loudly.
Rafael Devers – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers (37, 38), hitting .279. And will still be underrated in the preseason!
Ryan Zimmerman – 0-for-3, 1 RBI as he played most likely his last game. If this Ryan Zimmerman’s final game, let’s never forget his contribution to our lexicon:
Tommy Edman – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. Will be recapping all the positions starting on Thursday (tomorrow’s the year-end awards). Edman? First time I can remember truly appreciating someone having lots of eligibility. If he wasn’t good, it wouldn’t have mattered, or if the leagues were shallower, but when injuries hit, it was nice to be able to get Edman into a new slot.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 and 3 homers on Saturday (37, 38, 39). What was truly hilarious about his three homers is how ridiculous two of them were because it was Yankee Stadium. One was a no doubter, one was a home run in only eight other parks, and the third would’ve only been out of one other park, and, honestly, seeing that homer, I’m surprised it would’ve made it out of anywhere else. What was the other park, a Little League park in Hoboken?
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.05. Rays fighting to simply make the Yanks play another game was my level of petty. Sadly, the Rays came up a little short.
Aaron Ashby – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.55. Hiring a sherpa to take me to the top of Mt. Everest to let out the most echoing chef’s kiss for what Ashby did to my teams on the final day.
Max Muncy – Looked like a broken wrist for Muncy, as he reached into the baserunner’s path and got clipped by Jace Peterson. If it is what it looks like, tough blow for the Dodgers’ one-game playoff chances. This is stupid, right? I haven’t been in LA so long it’s clouding my judgement, right? It’s nuts the Dodgers win 106 games and have a one-game playoff, right?
Trea Turner – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer, as he wins the NL batting title. I didn’t deserve you, but I was so happy for the Treats I Urner’d.
Julio Urias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.96, and his 20th win. I had an inkling, but I figured, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and actually google “best MLB run support.” It was Urias with 7+ runs per game.
Walker Buehler – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.47. The Dodgers could have the top three vote-getters in the NL Cy Young. Elias Sports Bureau says the last time that happened was a while ago, but Bill spilled a Cape Codder on his computer, so they can’t look it up.
Clayton Kershaw – Hit the IL with a forearm/elbow injury. Damn, it’s a long road back if that’s a precursor to Tommy John, as it normally is. At 33 years of age too, does he have what it takes to come back? I’d be like, “Let me get back to you after I see if I can lift my $100 million in my wallet.”
