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There’s a large contingent of people logging on, who are like, so you like Fernando Tatis Jr. (0-for-5) now? I see, so you like cheaters? Let’s call these people, The Moralists. They’ve never done anything bad in their life. Good for them. Better than me, but they’re likely better than everyone. So, hey, The Moralists, I’m sorry, I grew up loving Mark McGwire, you can’t shame me into caring about steroids now. Here’s a conversation between me and The Moralists:

The Moralist, “You see that great player who is very fun?”
“Fernando Tatis Jr.? Yes, I do see him.”
“I don’t like him anymore because he cheated by taking drugs.”
“Oh, so you’re a nerd?!”

People who are like, “So, you’re defending cheating?” I am not Perry Mason. I am merely excited about the return of a guy I drafted in a fantasy baseball league. A guy who is fun. His name is Fun The Jewels for Chrissake! Any hoo! Welcome back, Fun The Jewels, now LFG! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Of course it’s early, and his HR/FB% is high for him, but his Ks are down and he looks like a .330 hitter right now. Could change, naturally, or unnaturally if Tatis snuck him some of his special pills.

Madison Bumgarner – Designated for assignment. Replacing Madison Bumgarner on the Diamondbacks will be Mason Saunders. So, from DFA to Pfa? As in Pfaadt? Eventually, and you can grab Brandon Pfaadt if you like, but the Dbags are calling up Tommy Henry to replace Bumgarner. The wrestler? No, that’s Mark Henry. Anyway, Tom Hank won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he sucks.

Trevor May – Hit the IL with anxiety. This would be me if my job was “tightrope walker,” and, in a lot of ways, that’s what a closer is. Zach Jackson could close for the A’s, which is to say, save one game every three weeks.

Kole Calhoun – Signed a minor league contract with the Yankees. Whew, after they lost Clint Frazier, they were sorely lacking in goofy redheads.

Nestor Cortes – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Kinda crazy that the Yankees have so much money and invested in so many players, and Cortes is their number two. Not completely crazy, just kinda.

Patrick Sandoval – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.38. Hey, one love, but if you started Sandoval in Yankee Stadium, you deserved this start.

Logan O’Hoppe – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and he’s was removed after an awkward swing, after having similar issues the other day. It’s never good when that o’happens twice in a week.

Jameson Taillon – Hit the IL with a groin strain. Can’t spell Jameson Taillon without TMI!

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer. Makes me happy to see Cody do well, even if I don’t have him anywhere. Seemed especially unlucky to get hurt the way he did, and for it to impact his whole career. Of course, it’s still early, but his strikeouts are way down, his walks are up, and he looks back.

Michael Fulmer – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.56. Trevor May and Daniel Bard are dealing with anxiety, and Fulmer is giving it to me. If it wasn’t clear, I’d go Brad Boxberger, and ignore the rest of this pen for now.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-2 and his 1st game at shortstop as he entered the game late. He had missed his third straight start, due to paternity leave. Geez, after Cal Ripken Jr. became Gregg Zaun’s dad, did he miss time?

Max Muncy – 1-for-2 and a slam (8) and legs (1). Max Muncy is the Munciest!

James Outman – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .290, as he hit leadoff with Betts not starting. Pretty impressive faith Roberts has in Outman to hit him leadoff, even if it’s just for one game. Hard to argue Outman isn’t emerging as one of the early breakouts on the year. Feels like one of the brights spots in the early going for the Dodgers. That’s what happens when you sandbag the entire offseason so you can go all-in on Ohtani next year.

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, 4th homer in four games, 17th homer in a week, and he’s the new NL home run champ, my God! Suwinski won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now. Hot schmotatoski alert!

Connor Joe – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Where’d he come from, where’d he go, when did he leave Colorado!

Roansy Contreras – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.57. Solid start, he said quite obviously, but it was also a no-brainer of a matchup. I’d check Streamonator for him.

Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.00. Reds announcers said something positive about Weaver during this start, and I chortled. Not a full cackle. Just a little guffaw.

Bryce Harper – Threw from 60 feet. Sounds like the Phils have a new closer. In all seriousness, sounds like Harper might be back very soon as a DH. About six weeks before his expected return date.

Matt Strahm – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.00. So, his K/9 is gorgeous at 13.5, and his command is very wonky (3.5 BB/9). He’s been doing it with a 94 MPH fastball and 83 MPH curve. He has put up numbers like this before, but in relief. So, that tells me this could continue, but at some point he’s going to tire and need to be fake-IL’d or just moved back to the pen. With Ranger Suarez due back soon, it’s likely the latter.

C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Curtis Jackson hit that offa da club.

Tanner Houck – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.29. I’d like to see Houck take on Julks so it would be like WWE Hogan vs. WCW’s Hollywood Hulk Hogan. Sigh, for another day! Houck is a lot like Whitlock, in that I like him a lot, but how much will he pitch? Considering Houck has been janked* back and forth from the rotation, he can’t throw many starts this year, but that doesn’t matter for now, as he looks like a serviceable number five, who still requires Streamonator. *By-laws of baseball writing include a stipulation that you can’t use the word “yanked” in a blurb about a Red Sox player, so janked it is.

Alex Verdugo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .338. It’s interesting (not interesting) that if a guy is hitting .330 on the year, it’s crazy valuable on the season, but when you’re living through it, it is so yawnstipating. The prototypical forty twenty.

Yu Chang – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Yu can’t Chang time, but time can Chang Yu.

Kenta Maeda – Left after the 2nd inning, taking a comebacker off his ankle, then Pagan came in and gave up 6 ER, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown from a ticker shock. Ironically, thank God it was Pagan. In other words, Maeda goes out and everything goes to hell.

Sean Manaea – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.60. It’s cool what a guy can do with increased velocity. He can throw harder meatballs.

Blake Sabol – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. So far the Sabol 2nd catcher gambit has worked better than the Francisco Alvarez 1st catcher gambit.

Kodai Senga – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.29. This guy’s command is so shoddy. Does he know he’s facing a garbage lineup? Are the pitching coaches telling him? Throw strikes, my man!

Brett Baty – Didn’t play with Francisco Alvarez. Baty and Alvarez can’t buy a freakin’ at-bat. What an absolute jizzoke. Buck needs to be replaced. This cannot stand! I shout at my computer screen.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Albombso!

Eduardo Escobar – 2-f0r-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .145. Baty ain’t ever shaking this platoon.

Jeff McNeil – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Done squirreling that power away for another day, I guess.

Max Scherzer – Suspended for ten games as I speculated yesterday, Incredible. Max Scherzer has been suspended 10 games for using the foreign substance, rosin, which is provided by MLB. MLB is claiming Max Scherzer was told repeatedly to clean his hands but refused. “Stop cheating, we’re giving you two innings to do it, otherwise you’re going to be ejected and then suspended.” Yeah, this sounds very plausible. I think if a player were cheating, just bear with me, this might sound crazy, but, prolly, he would stop cheating after being warned.