Padres Ruiz The Hounds

Yerry De Los Santos is commonly known as Yerry Across The Mersey, and now that Esteury Ruiz seems on the precipice of being called up we have a new river. The best river since Alex Rios? Well, thanks for asking since I did major in geography at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. 1. Mickey Rivers 2. Alex Rios 3. Esteury Ruiz. 4. Dylan Bundy, who isn’t named for a body of water, but is always a streamer. Unranked: Drew Waters. You know how close those were though? It’s hard to fathoms. Damn, you walked into that one! For the Padres, Esteury was called up to the taxi squad in Colorado, and, with Profar out, Ruiz could be with the team at any moment. Why do we care? Okay, okay, wanna get to the meat, huh? He’s got 50+ steal speed! That’s it! It’s a wrap! Okay, he could hit 10 homers and .300. Whatevs! I don’t know why the Padres haven’t just put him on the squad already, but I bet it’s any moment. Grab him now, before it’s like trying to grab water out of a river. Poetic! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Sean Manaea – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Sonavabench! I don’t even want to talk about it. Let me just move on before I start off the entire post in a grim mood.

Jake Cronenworth – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Also, in this game, C.J. Abrams (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer and Manny Machado (2-for-5) hit his 15th homer. Everyone should get one series in Coors, except the Rockies. They should get none. Bud Black ruined it for them.

Kris Bryant – Placed on paternity leave. This confirms what we all thought who have rostered him all year, he is a motherf***er.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Want a guy who could hit five homers this week? Well, what’s Kyle Schwarber up to? Okay, Grichuk could do that sorta thing too.

Drew Waters – Traded from the Braves to the Royals, along with Andrew Hoffman and C.J. Alexander for the 35th pick in next week’s draft. Too bad this trade means nothing as far as redraft fantasy, as the post title Trading Waters is just right there for the picking. Or, Braves Drew It Up, Then The Royals Went Around The Corner And Licked It Up. Oh, well, leave it in the barrel for another time. Will be fun to see Waters, Isbel, and Olivares all split time, so they get one at-bat per game, while Carlos Santana is a regular.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 4-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Ay, oh, badda bing, badda BOOM!

Bobby Witt Jr. – 6-for-9, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th, 15th and 16th steal, hitting .252. Check out Junior trying to make a run at my affections like Jul-Rod who reminds me of Junior.

Brad Keller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Guess who’s got two metal thumbs and told me to stream Keller? Streamonator!

Whit Merrifield – Hit the IL with toe swelling, and this is the first time he’s on the IL in his career, breaking a franchise record of 553 straight games played. Cal Ripken’s record won’t be broke until there’s not only robot umps, but robot players.

Austin Meadows – Pulled from his rehab start with renewed soreness in his Achilles. He sits on zero homers on the year, and I want to know if the curse the Rays put on ex-players is legal.

Trevor Rogers – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.42. After the 2nd inning, when the Pirates had three runs on the board, I placed Rogers’s fantasy value in a woodchipper, then watched Rogers’s fantasy value cascade down, as I questioned some school kids. “Timmy, you see that? No, two pieces of Rogers’s fantasy value are the same.” So, I’m not sure if there’s anything left to discuss.

Bryan Reynolds – Hit the IL with an oblique strain, and I removed him from the Top 100 for the 2nd half, which I will be releasing this week on the Patreon, and next week here.

Mitch Keller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, ERA at 4.88. How telling is it that Keller outpitched Rogers? Can I just say, “Very?”

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 1-for-5 and his 10th steal, hitting .250. Wonder if he could steal 15+ bags in the 2nd half, because that’s the only way I see him having great fantasy value. Like a little Berti, go tweet tweet steal steal.

Yerry De Los Santos – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.81, and his 3rd save. Pirates already said they’re not trading Bednar, which means 100% they are trading Bednar, so I’d keep an eye on Yerry across the Mersey.

Tyler O’Neill – Did some throwing and took batting practice on Monday. My guess what’s going on here is the Cards want to see what they can get from him, and he might want to play through the tear in his wrist, then he can reevaluate and maybe have offseason surgery. This doesn’t mean we’re going to get anything close to what we were expecting from him. It’s not good news, and might not be until 2023.

Miles Mikolas – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Live with me for a second: My 12-team mixed league pitching is partially Mikolas, Holmes, Helsley, and Bard, and those guys were all had for $1. And before you try to shade the Fantasy Master Lothario, I have a 12 in ERA, and the rest of the team’s staff is JoMo, Cease, Robbie Ray, Sandoval and Barlow, and every guy was $20 or lower. “You can’t build a pitching staff with cheap arms.” That’s a guy wearing Opti-Grab glasses.

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-1 and his 3rd homer. Say what you want, but I think it’s kinda cool that the Cardinals have a player who sounds like the sister city of Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer. Rhys’s got a piece’s of that ball! No? Yeah, you’re likely right.

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.35. The home run usually beats him, but yesterday he was beaten by singles, doubles and a homer.

Alec Bohm – Left the game with a dislocated ring finger. Sounds like a businessman when he’s on a long trip. You sly dog! Any hoo! It’s unclear if he needs an IL stint.

Lance Lynn – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.68. Is Lance Lynn stranded with the girls from Yellowjackets because he is cooked.

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Glad he decided to steal 40 bags this year, because the power hasn’t been there.

Franmil Reyes – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st steal. Watch the $54 Vending Machine Steak run, baby! Like you’re on a hill and truck’s trailer comes unhinged and screaming back at you. Even if the throw is there at second base, does Leury Garcia stay there to put the tag on Franmil? I wouldn’t. By the by, Franmil’s prolly my number one buy right now. Dude could hit 17+ homers the rest of the way.

Brayan Bello – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 10.13. Can we please get Kutter back in the Sawx rotation and Bello out? Yes, I’m asking for my teams, but so what?

Wander Franco – Will have hamate bone surgery and be out for two months. He’s droppable in all redraft leagues. I will now put on repeat Mary J. Blige’s Not Gon’ Cry while sobbing.

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.57. Be as good as you’re supposed to be already! Stop making me beg!

Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.36. His matchup with Cobb was actually illuminating in how ulcer-inducing it was. Kelly’s fine, but Cobb’s supposed to be so much better. Why don’t I have “Supposed to be” fantasy league categories?

Josh H. Smith – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits leadoff. According to the player pages for Josh Smith — multiple — he’s the white man version of Luis Garcia. Hey, white folks with the last name Smith, stop naming your kids, Josh. Was there a sale on Josh Smiths? Wait, that’s another Rangers prospect, Josh Sale! Rangers handshake emoji with anyone named Josh. So, the Rangers finally called up their 3rd base prospect. Wait, that’s Josh Jung! Josh H. Christ. Wait, I mean, Josh H. Smith (the H is for honkey) is a five-category guy who is very low on all categories. His totals in the minors in 155 games was 20/40/.299, but that’s fairly deceiving, or unfairly, as the case may be. He could hit 5/10/.270 the rest of the way from the leadoff spot, which is valuable for deep leagues, and a hold for now in shallower. Maybe that’s what the H stands for.

Brett Martin – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.89, as he recorded his third save in the last four days. Absolutely ridiculous Joe Barlow — my Joe Barlow! — is no longer getting these saves, but, alas, I guess it’s Brett Martin’s job. Or until he blows one freakin’ game.

Corey Seager – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, and 4th homer in as many games. Somewhere, Kyle Seager is shivering cold, yelling about, “Stupid Corey’s shadow!”

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 7th homer, hitting .241. Ya gotta hold your nose to pick up A’s, but Laureano’s been decent. That’s not “hold your Neuse,” though he hit his 3rd homer last night.

Chad Pinder – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Fun fact! He tells the ladies, “Call me Chaddy Pindergrass.”

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.15. If I were the Mets, I’d rest deGrom, Scherzer and Taijuan for the final month of the season.

Luis Guillorme – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and multiple hits in back-to-back games, and, yeah, I’m stretching to see a hot schmotato where there might not be.

Austin Riley – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, and his 3rd homer in as many games. Let’s see if we got this straight, Austin Riley is excellent; Austin, Texas is weird; Austin Butler is Elvis; “Stone Cold” Steve Austin is awesome; Austin Theory seems very, very bad; Austin Powers is funny; Austin Meadows’s home run total is hilarious; Brian Austin Green is an American actor, producer, and former rapper, best known for his portrayal of David Silver on the television series Beverly Hills, 90210.

Max Fried – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.56. Know what metric they should come up with? Something to measure how bad a pitcher is while escaping trouble. Like a xOhSh*t scale, the expected Oh Sh*t measure would be able to explain how close a pitcher was to disaster, while escaping it. So, if a pitcher has two outs and walks three solid batters, then gets a pop-up, then it’s not so bad, because it was two outs and he was working around tougher bats to get to J.D. Davis. But the xOhSh*t would be much higher if he walked the two bottom hitters to face the top of the order with one out.