Edward Cabrera for Fantasy Baseball

Some days are “No offense” type days and yesterday felt like one of those days. Maybe it was the rain across the Eastern seaboard, he said like an old wily ship’s captain. Maybe it was something else in the air. Farts? Who knows, but better yet, who cares! Yesterday, EdCab showed why you should delete the Uber app off your phone. Edward Cabrera went 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.41. The thing with EdCab on his own, he has a 3.41 ERA. If I look at my leagues, that would be good for the top half of most of them. So, that alone works, but add in his 9.5 K/9, 3.8 BB/9, and 3.79 xFIP, and he’s borderline number three to four fantasy starter in most leagues. Plus, a 2.89 ERA in June in 18 2/3 IP and a 2.00 ERA in 27 IP in May and when was he bad? Oh, yeah, April. Throw out April, when he wasn’t quite ready, and he’d have a 2.05 ERA on the year! Fine, you can’t just remove April’s numbers if you had him, but a lot of you didn’t have him, so what difference does it make what he did before you had him? Philosophical and rhetorical! A double whammy of head nods and huhs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Royce Lewis – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the IL, as he bats 8th. Without the IL, he’s just Royce Ews. To make room, the Twins DFA’d Jonah Bride. With Royce Ews, I’d be ready for an annulment on that Bride DFA’ing.

Kyle Stowers – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, 3rd homer in a week. Stowers of power, I devour, off waivers.

Ronny Henriquez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.88, 4th save, 2nd straight save opportunity, and Marlins are one win from their franchise record 9th straight win so don’t give me that hooey that they don’t win games. Keep that hooey to youey-self!

Joe Ryan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Ryan is overdue to get a lede from me. I’m sure he’s waiting with bated breath.

George Springer – 3-for-4, 7 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. The Zombino, a creature that feeds on brain custard of much younger pitchers, finds pleasure in dingering and fingering, uh, itself out of its grave. Dinger, finger, Springer, can’t argue with rhymes, boy!

Andres Gimenez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .207. The Jays’ middle infield sounds like the Latino Honeymooners. “Gimenez Jimenez!”

Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Sadly, that’s who he is now. A low-4 ERA pitcher. Age, it comes for us all.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 0-for-5, as the Jays scored 12. Ticker tease!

Max Fried – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Haha, loser! What a big nothingburger! Haha, okay, moving on, before someone calls me on my BS.

Jeremy Pena – Shut down from baseball activities for a while. This comes a day after the Astros said he might be back at exactly ten days. Tomorrow, the Astros will announce Pena body-switched with a cobbler, quit baseball and now wants to mend shoes.

Yordan Alvarez – Shutdown and will see a specialist. Astros say he’ll return five weeks ago.

Victor Caratini – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Fun fact! He has an entire fridge stocked with baby carrots, only he calls them Caratinis.

Hunter Goodman – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 15th and 16th homer. Someone wrap my man’s hamstrings in bubble wrap, he’s my best hitter on some teams. Yes, I have some teams struggling, leave me alone!

Andre Pallante – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Cards manufacture these “boring as dirt” pitchers from the ether. Call him Andre Ether. Streamonator hates him always, and I will too.

Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.03. Outpitched by Pallante is Bum Stuff. You got Bum Stuff, Skenes! (I sound like Mickey from Rocky.)

Michael Kopech – Hit the IL with knee inflammation. Doctors call that “fire knee,” they say there’s match for it.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. Not bad for a pitcher.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.51. Yamamoto is Yah Mo B There as my fantasy ace!

Christian Koss – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Please don’t make Chris Koss jump jump.

Hayden Birdsong – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.30. More like Hayden Birdcrap.

Willy Adames – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .211. Just think, maybe you made the mistake of drafting him this year, but at least you don’t have to pay him $182 million for seven years.

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.45. Okay, literally his first decent start since June 3rd. Do it two more times and I’ll pay attention.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. He is the type to homer again and again and again until disappearing for three months. Heed the call of the instant schmotato.

Jake McCarthy – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in five games. I grabbed him to fill-in for Corbin Carroll, because he’s, uh, filling for him. It feels lazy, but what if a lazy pickup is good? That’s like Buddhism for fantasy.

James McCann – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. They should tack on anything McCann does for Cal Raleigh.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games. I miss Lou-Gu-Ju so much. After I dropped him in my RCL, my team dropped like an anchor and won’t bounce back. He was my woobie!

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, 3rd homer in two games. Ball is flying off his bat making a bibimbap sound, because that Rice Bowl is hot!

Jorge Mateo – Expected to miss 8-12 weeks with a strained hamstring. Asked Google what the O’s will do sans Mateo and it said maybe check out the Pulgas Water Temple or Seal Point Park.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and that’s his 5th homer since June 14th. Gonna sound batshizz crazy, but Sanchez is one of the hottest schmotatoes standing on FAAB bidness.

Alejandro Osuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer. Rangers got back the ball and shipped it to Cooperstown. They’ll be displaying it next to Ruth’s 60th homer, Cal Raleigh’s recently removed butt implants and a camping tent Bochy uses to keep his head dry.

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.13. He received 10 runs of support which was more than he received in nine years with the Mets combined. I kid, kinda. Oh, this was his 93rd career win. A grown man doesn’t lol, but that’s a massive lol.

Garrett Mitchell – Out for 2025, after shoulder surgery. Oh, no, not our favorite “sounds like a shampoo manufacturer.” Worst shampoo-related news since Cougs bought me off-brand Neutrogena when my lettuce needs the real thing!

Matthew Boyd – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Flavor Flav’s fantasy team he named “Yeah, BOYD!!!” is having itself a nice year.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Seiya ball!

Gavin Williams – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 3.86. I’ve made some mistakes this year, and near the top of them is an ongoing one where I think Gavin Williams can be better, and nothing in his stats is backing that up. I really need to move on. Yes, this is mostly just about me being dumb. It’s just some of these leagues aren’t shallow enough to just drop Gavin. Yes, still about me! Oh, sorry, can I please hear about your fantasy teams?

Grant Holmes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.47. If you’ve never seen Grant Holmes pitch, I feel sorry for you. Not because he’s that incredible, but because he looks like he’s on day 82 on the TV show, Alone. Bro, you need a haircut more than you need protein. Any hoo! Holmes’s stats look excellent — 10.6 K/9, 4.2 BB/9, 3.66 xFIP and a 45.4 GB%. His iffy command makes him a little dicey leading you to yell, “Craps!” but there’s very few leagues his numbers don’t play.

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Well, yeah, sure, he got to face the 2023 All-Star lineup of the Braves. Retire already, Harris, Albies and Riley! Your median age is, like, 28 and you’re washed!

Shane Baz – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Turned the corner back to Bazingas! We love our Bazingas.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer, 4th homer in a week, and, Lowe and behold, he’s singlehandedly making the 2nd basemen appear decent on the Player Rater.

Danny Jansen – 1-for-2 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Just submitted, “This DJ saved my life,” for the saddest sentence in the English language, noting it’s about Danny Jansen for fantasy baseball. I’ll let you know if I win. Though, I doubt it. There’s always someone out there submitting something like, “I got herpes from sitting on my parents’ toilet seat,” to take home the prize money.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 2nd homer since he returned from the IL. And get your fingernail pick, pick, picking away at your catcher scab.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. This is Ma’s Muncy and he went the opposite way so easily on this homer. I don’t know, man and four wo-mans, I have a feeling I’m gonna like this guy so much next year.

Jeffrey Springs -5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Streamonator kinda likes his next one, and I don’t fully trust him in Bing Bong, but there ya go.

Zack Gelof – Could return this week, which would mean the end to Luis Urias’s playing time, i.e., sit Urias down, before the A’s make change.