Visual Metaphor Alert! When a boat sinks, you can avoid sinking longer if you scramble to the stern of the boat. As the boat sinks, you will be out of the water longer. The Orioles have started playing baseball on that stern of the Titanic. Of course, then the whole thing snaps in half and drowns you anyway. “Hey, there’s Machado floating by with six life vests on, and there’s a different team insignia on each life vest! Hey, Machado, can I get the Yankees’ life vest? Machado? Hey, Adam Jones! Do you need that Nationals’ life vest? Adam? Aw geez.” That’s Dylan Bundy wearing the Orioles’ life vest, as Mancini sinks holding onto Bundy’s ankle. Yesterday, Bundy went 9 IP, 3 ER, 3 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 4.45, throwing 121 pitches. *uck Showalter really wanted to get Bundy the complete game, huh? It’s not like he had a no-hitter going, he surrendered a homer in the 4th inning. The Orioles also had a six-run lead and were going for win number 16. Showalter prolly just had a senior moment. “How do you get this motorized scooter up the dugout steps and to the mound?” That’s Showalter. Bundy’s peripherals are actually gorge — 11.1 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.85 xFIP. Thus far, he’s been unlucky, which goes without saying because he’s on the Orioles. Hard for me to get excited for that reason, too. Of course, his numbers say he should be owned everywhere. Good luck with that! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psych! Before getting into the roundup, just wanted to mention one of our frequent commenters, Oaktown Steve, is looking for some help. If you can great, if you can’t, then WHY NOT?! Kidding, do what you can. Anyway II, the roundup:
Trey Mancini – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .251. After the game, Mancini said, “It seems so unlikely I’ll be traded, due to team control, but I owe it to myself to do as much as I can to try.”
Adam Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .270. Jones rounded the bases, mouthing, “I will waive my trade clause to everyone, even Japanese baseball leagues.”
Jose Rondon – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Not bad for a converted middle reliever! *intern whispers in my ear* I’m not thinking of Hector, that’s a metric unit of square measure. Rondon won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he might be a schmotato.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .319. Will not pitch Sunday. Thus the “workload management” begins. He threw 165 1/3 IP over the last TWO years (caps for emphasis, not due to a heavy shift finger). He threw 25 1/3 IP last year. You really think he’s gonna throw more than 120 innings this year? You crazier than The Sciosciapath?
Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and a slam (15) and legs (12), hitting .291 with a .443 OBP. “He’s from New Jersey; I’m also from New Jersey” is the 1st chapter in my book, The Problem with False Equivalences.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .253. This was his 621st homer, and he’s now the first person to homer after the age of 60.
Nick Tropeano – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. His K/9 is 7.3, 3.6 BB/9 and a 4.68 xFIP, i.e., yawnstipating.
Roberto Osuna – Jon Heyman said Osuna could be suspended for a significant amount of time. In other news, taco diarrhea burns. I’m not going to give my take that I’ve given at least two times before, but the gist is MLB should’ve suspended him already, and for a few months.
Dwight Smith Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. In Triple-A, Smith was hitting .278 with 2 homers and 5 steals. Or what Vlad Jr. does every game.
Nathan Eovaldi – Will make his season debut early next week. He went 4 IP, 8 ER in his last rehab start in Triple-A, so he’s definitely game ready.
Rick Porcello – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.74. What the hell are the Regression Fairies doing in Tampa? I know they weren’t at a Hooter’s or Bojangles. That start hurt from Porcello in what should’ve been a walk in the park. Turned out the park was Gorky Park being run by Cossacks.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 0-for-3, hitting .174. If I have one fault, and, let’s be honest, you really have to search for it, I don’t mention guys who are struggling as much as ones getting hot. Usually there’s just so many games to cover, I cover the highlights, and skip some lowlights. With that said, how long until JBJ is released? Yo, you Lastings Milledge without the aspiring rap career?
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. That Mitch gives the best batty calls!
George Springer – 2-for-3, 2 runs and two steals (2, 3). Rather than be thrilled Springer stole some bases, the first thing I did was look at who the opposing catcher was. The guilty party: Roberto Perez. There’s some Roberto flack, you VH1 diva.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .277. I had a super sad thought. He’s on pace for a 16/16/.277 year. That’s not really far from what you can expect, i.e. expect less.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Maris*nick was just recalled with Reddick going to the DL. Sometimes Maris*nick falls into some stats. Worth cyclops’ing in deep leagues. Speaking of deep league cyclops’ing, Tony Kemp (1-for-3, 1 run, hitting .389 and his 2nd steal) can run.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.04. There was some discussion yesterday why Morton was a negative on the Stream-o-Nator. Its predicted line was 5 1/3, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Not far off, but an extra run and two-thirds less would impact the bottom line, and the line was only -$2.50, so it wasn’t awful. Though, I tend to look for positives, signed FML.
Danny Duffy – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.14. Duffy’s like, “I just might not have it anymore. What can I do?” How about pitch against a team that is collectively barely hitting .200? The Rangers entire lineup is one giant rally killer. Rangers were so concerned with bringing Gallo’s K% from 39 to 31, they forgot the rest of the team.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .254. He was catching again last night. Standing and doing nothing was a bit much for him. Back to sitting from now on!
Zach Davies – 4 IP, 4 ER, as he returned from the DL after a shoulder injury. 3, 2, 1…Next DL stint? Now? Did it happen yet? How about now? Okay, but soon.
Brandon Nimmo – 4-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .294. Hey, c’mon, aren’t you gonna start Joey Bats? The funniest would be if they release Bautista within the week. Like a PR stunt that just failed. Think Kanye tweeting to promote a new album.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.80. His ERA isn’t wretched, as sung by The Decemberists, but, damn, he just doesn’t move the needle. The needle, by the way, is a terrible name for it. If we’re going with sewing terms, how about thimble?
Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.58. F-Her is so toothless, I will now call him Friend Zonedez.
Dustin Fowler – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal, hitting .222. Mostly a SAGNOF play for now, though if he starts a dance called Dusting The Chicken, I might get more interested. “First, you pick up your drumstick, then you dust it some more. Next, you shake your tail feather and dust the floor. This is how you Dust the Chicken!” It might need work.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, a grand slam, hitting .280. Owning him has made me feel like an Eugenius.
Jesse Winker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .257. Jesse Winker Fantasy Owner who’s been in a coma for two months, “I told you he was a sleeper! He is so nice with the bat! By the way, how’s my fantasy team doing I named, Yes We Cano? Hey, why’s everyone leaving my hospital room? I can’t get up yet, guys. Guys?”
Jared Hughes – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, and first save since filling in for the injured Raisel. I was the first person to tell you to pick up Hughes, after reading it elsewhere.
Austin Meadows – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .440. Mean’s while, Adam Frazier is crap, but I don’t think that’s why he’s in the two hole because I don’t think C**nt Hurdle’s that clever. Meadows will be in this afternoon’s Buy column with the same caveat he’s always had, what will Hurdle do when Marte returns.
David Freese – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .260 as he hit third in the lineup because Hurdle subscribes to the Jim Leyland School of Lineup Management that says, “When a player is subbing in for another, he automatically gets his lineup slot no matter how silly it seems,” as taught at the University of Phoenix. It made me laugh thinking about Jim Leyland using the internet. “Grandpa, you’re getting ashes on the keyboard.” That’s Jim’s grandkid.
Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.96. Champagne super-Nova! Champagne as in cold duck, and super is short for Streamers U Pass-up, Evade and Renounce.