DBacks Go Phaadty Boombabatty On O’s

Having a normal one:

when I think about how I drafted Gunnar Henderson instead of Corbin Carroll pic.twitter.com/D5lH8sD9zi

— Razzball (@Razzball) April 9, 2025

Yesterday, Corbin Carroll (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 5th homer. Meh, only five more homers than Gunnar, en bee dee. “No reason to panic,” he says while sobbing and plunging into the Arctic Ocean head-first. Suddenly this guy’s shoulder is all cleared up. Did he get one of those magical cortisone shots? We love Corbin, but I wanna love him on my fantasy teams! Next up, Pavin Smith (3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer, as he hits third. Could be a little schmotato. Also, I look forward to seeing this home run between innings on MLB Network in two days. You ever notice this? MLB has roughly 56 million hours of baseball highlights to choose from to show as a flashback, and instead they’ll show the most inane flashback from the last week. It’s like, “Should we go with a highlight of, say, Kerry Wood’s 20-strikeout game or do I show Pavin Smith’s random 5th inning homer?” Then Arizona went DBack-to-DBack with Josh Naylor (3-for-4, 3 RBIs) as he hit his 1st homer. Rock that baby, baby! Finally, Geraldo Perdomo (3-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 2nd homer. He’s been mentioned more than once this week so you know he’s got that schmotato butter emulsifying into hot hitting. All of this was in support of Brandon Pfaadt (6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50). Wish somebody wrote a preseason sleeper for this guy. Wait, hold up! I did! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wyatt Langford – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Usually this is a three-ish week issue, but he had this in the spring and it reoccurred, which makes me think it’s a bigger — longer — setback. I don’t know, obviously. I just be speculatin’. Langford says he’ll be fine in exactly 10 days and lobbied to stay off the IL. Sure, Jan.

Tyler Mahle – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.32. Sonavabench! Didn’t trust him fully in Wrigley, but I should’ve [slaps own face] Snap out of it! [rubs cheek] Damn, last time I fall asleep to Moonstruck. Streamonator is positive for Mahle’s next one and I don’t see why not.

Corey Seager – 2-for-5 and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Somebody thinks it’s the World Series.

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hit ’em with the Heim!

Justin Steele – Hit the IL with elbow tendonitis. [crawls back into bed, pulls comforter over head] Good night!

Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.70. Why have no scientists researched why no pitchers can just be good for every start?

Tylor Megill – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.63. When you ask about dropping him, remind yourself you’re asking about dropping a starter with a 0.63 ERA.

Matt Mervis – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Imagine pitching to Mervis right now. A guy who went to multiple doctors and was like, “I’m never nervous, is this normal?” And they were like, “No, but go with it.” Or he might just be a hot schmotato.

Max Meyer – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.00. They tell you that you have to draft a starter early. They beg of you, draft a starter early. They disappear to fantasy football the day after the season begins and you’re left with me. Sorry!

Andrew Benintendi – Hit the IL with an adductor strain. What’s the matter, he clam up? Take it, Highlights! It’s yours!

Justin Verlander – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.92. Imagine having more money than you can spend in five lifetimes, being married to Kate Upton and choosing to pitch one more year of frayed-elbow baseball to get yo shizz rocked. Men will pitch terribly rather than go to therapy.

Wilmer Flores – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. All praise to all Wilmers, but especially Flores.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in three games. Carl’s Jr. Jr. ordering off the walk-off menu!

Nick Martinez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.06. Also, two Giants were thrown out at home and Nick was getting hit hard, so, yeah, was kinda meh, and I wish I watched a different game, but when you have Elly in every league, you have only so many choices.

Emilio Pagan – 0 IP, 1 ER, 2 pitches, and Pagan, you are the devil. I saw this on Geraldo Rivera’s show.

Manny Machado – 2-for-3 and his 6th steal. Don’t look now but Machado is on pace to 75 steals.

Randy Vasquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 1 K, ERA at 1.72. Randy Vasquez: The Sacramento King.

Osvaldo Bido – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Get your FAAB-o ready for Bido, because Streamonator likes his next.

CJ Abrams – 1-for-5 and a slam (4) and legs (3). Curtis Jackson Abrams wants fiddy! Or to get critical acclaim from the TV critics for Power.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Saw his name, thought of tea, and just realized I was supposed to go get a matcha as a little midafternoon treat. Ugh, hate when I forget my midafternoon treats.

Andy Pages – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Blake Treinen – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.00, and his 2nd save. Saw Tanner Scott (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.86) in the 7th inning and I thought about how it could literally be anyone in the 9th for the save. Leave it to Dave “Galaxy Brain” Roberts.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Oye como yay!

Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.00, and his 1st save. He can’t even convert a clean inning with the White Sux. Something is 1000% wrong here.

Kyren Paris – 2-for-4 and his 4th and 5th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. “If a Quad-A player is playing in a minor league park, does he become a superstar?” Socrates squints, thinking. Don’t know Socrates, but just gave you my Kyren Paris fantasy.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Okay, but what about Paris in the spring?! Am I not romantic enough for you?

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Legit forgot this player existed. “In the shadow of the Eiffel Tower that Paris swings, can anyone else exist?” Descartes hmms.

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.00. There’s guys with much shorter track records who I would be way more interested in than Kikuchi. I’m out like a Trout in right field in Big Stein, hitting .179.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. <–Yandy when he figures out right field is only 20 feet away.

Jose Caballero – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, a grand slam. Giving up a grand slam to Caballero is JFC 101. A very big, loud JFC that’s easily executed.

Ryan Pepiot – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Three homers allowed, which is not great. Though, Paris homered off Pepiot, and that was nearly a Papillon of his own making.

Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.33. I am merely asking, where was this gee-dee shizz last year?

Tanner Houck – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Houck-a-mania and all us Houck-a-maniacs are seeing a 5.5 K/9 and 3.9 BB/9 and wondering if he stopped eating his vitamins.

Grant Holmes – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.00. This was the night game I watched (flipping to Boston on occasion) and Holmes doesn’t know where the ball is going. Never been this bad before, but he literally had no idea where any of his pitches were headed. Not great, Grant!

Austin Riley – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Good to see he didn’t retire in 2023 as some have speculated.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. So nice he did it, uh, Bryce!

Trea Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Treat Urner being a big dog!

William Contreras – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd game in a row with a homer and 2nd day in a row he said, “Wow, so you get to hit in Coors, like, all year? That’s sweet.”

Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (3). Someone’s got OCD!

Jackson Chourio – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, and he has hit in every game since his 0-for-5, 5 K Opening Day. Damn, knew I shouldn’t have traded him for Tyler O’Neill.

Pablo Lopez – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Pab-Lo will reportedly only need a minimum stay. That’s the good news or bad news, depending if you have him or Zebby Matthews, who might be coming up. Zebby is currently killing it in Triple-A (11.7 K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 1.80 ERA), and should be rostered in case he’s called. Even if it’s only for one start.

Joe Ryan – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Ryan and Hunter Greene look like two starters I shouldn’t have been out on, but it was for health reasons so it’s way too early to judge the results. Give me to June, at least.

Ty France – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Paris, France are having a moment, huh? Oh, and Aarondissement Judge.

Matt Wallner – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. I’d say I can’t believe he’s hitting leadoff, but he’s the only one hitting in the Twins’ lineup.

Seth Lugo – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Seth Lugo isn’t a pitcher, he’s an AI ChatBot that always spits out a 3.30 ERA.

Cody Bellinger – 0-for-4 as he returned from a bout of food poisoning that found him puking. Let’s see him stomach spending half his FAAB budget on Cam Smith.

Ben Rice – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and this one was vs. a lefty. [lies down on stomach, places both hands under chin, bats eyes] I’m listening. Also, I bet he’s gonna be in this week’s Buy column. Already available on Patreon!

Max Fried – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.56. After his terrible 1st start of the year, I said to sell him, but not because of that bad 1st start, because he always has a bad 1st start. I still agree with Two Weeks Ago Grey.

Jack Flaherty – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.62. So, you’re telling me that the Yanks and their torpedo bats won’t score 10 runs every game? You’re saying they won’t be unstoppable and are cheating? You’re telling me it was because the Brewers’ pitching just sucked? Hunh, weird.

Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 4 BBs, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Streamonator liked this start, but I’ll be honest, I was a bit too chicken of getting Fedde whopped.

Mitch Keller – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.24. It’s early so ERAs mean nothing. Most of this means nothing until about mid-May. How’sever, it is funny (to me), that Keller looks like he’s breaking out, then you see his ERA is actually higher than Erick Fedde. I said “to me,” so it doesn’t matter if you found it funny.

Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Yeah, but Cam Smith got two singles! He can’t be stopped! As for Brown, meh, this was vs. the M’s who were bad, then lost two of their hitters.

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Very nice! We love that! [sees he’s hitting .191] Oh, well, it’s early.

Ryan Bliss – Hit the IL with a torn bicep. Think that makes it a tricep.

Luis F. Castillo – 4 IP, 3 ER in his 1st start for the Mariners. Luis Fake Castillo is actually a gift. LF Castillo has been given to us as a poison pill. It rewards us, the ones who are paying attention. Those who aren’t paying attention? They check waivers, see the Mariners’ Luis Castillo and pounce! They can’t believe their good fortune. “I never pay attention to waivers but happen to check in and BAM! What luck!” they exclaim. We know the truth. Haha, suckers. Enjoy your poison pill.