Phils Find X-Factor To Gill Ian Anderson

Ian Anderson (2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.31) pitches like Jethro Tull singing, “Hello, darkness, my old friend.” Uh-oh, we’re being visited by Comatose Since March Man. This is gonna be brutal. Hey, Comatose Since March Man, how ya feeling? “Great, man! You ever sleep for four months? That’s what I feel like! Anyway, let’s talk about my fantasy baseball team! Ian Anderson is building on his 2021 season and is now an ace, right? Right?! Why are you tiptoeing backwards?” Seriously, though, how long until the Braves put Ian Anderson out to pasture with Touki, Ynoa and every other pitcher who they have that’s good for one season? Soon! Okay, the highlights, not the lowlights:  Nick Castellanos (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 8th homer. “Hey, we could just put the car in neutral and roll it off a cliff with him in the driver’s seat–Whoa! Hold on! He moved! Castellanos is alive!” This was Castellanos’s first, and only as it turned out, homer in June, and he was hitting .212 entering yesterday’s game with five runs. Apizzarently, he’s become the Greek God of Hardly Any Contact. Then, Kyle Schwarber (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) said farewell to June with his 23rd homer. Someone please Back to the Future Schwarber with a Walkman in the middle of the night and tell him June is another 60 days long. Next up, or I should say nextus is Rhysus, the Philly savior, (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 15th and 2nd in as many games. Finally, the one true DH on a team filled with them, Darick Hall (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) got his 1st and 2nd homer on his first and second hits. When the Philly and Yacht Rock legend, Darick Hall, hits a homer, they better be playing She’s Gone. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and he’s solid for power, but I’m not sure how much else. Sorry, Charlie, for the imposition… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Got out to a huge early lead, see lede, and became a sea liege, coasting out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Still sidelined, which sucks, but I just saw his numbers so far, and if you prorated them out to 162 games, he’d be on a 30/40 pace. I know it’s hard to prorate him out to that with the constant nagging injuries, but it’s also hard to overlook that when thinking about how high a healthy Acuña still needs to be ranked when I do my top 100 for the 2nd half during the break. Any hoo! I’m thinking aloud since it was a short schedule day.

Michael Harris II – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. It’s so hard to followup greatness, which makes it convenient I don’t know who Michael Harris I is. The Dos is flat-out impressive so far, and has been one of my best pickups.

Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Oh my goodness gracious, said like the guy in Short Circuit! It’s happening! This is the hot schmotato ride we’re all hoping for. Jump on, suckas!

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer. HR to the Izzo!

Luis Severino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.35. He almost got caught, distracted by his Fisher Price computer on his Iron Mike Sharpe forearm band, and let Kyle Tucker steal home. Fortunately, Severino recovered in time, threw out Kyle Tucker, then returned to his armband Speak ‘n Spell. Haven’t talked much about Pitchcom this year, and it doesn’t really bother me, but it is kinda funny in today’s tech market they have this big ol’ thing on their wrist like an 80s cellphone. They can’t get some tiny device that buzzes them in the nipples?

Luis Garcia – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Luis Garcia’s pitching motion looks like he’s rocking a baby to sleep, and, with 101 pitches barely through five, he snoozed me out like an episode of the new Iron Chef. Why doesn’t the chairman get to eat? Is he on a diet? Is he on drugs? Please discuss.

Jeremy Pena – Him and Captain Woo Cubano were out of the lineup, and Dusty Baker said recently he doesn’t believe in giving injury reports because it helps other teams, so both players are alive. Anything else? No idea.

Tyler Naquin – Began a Triple-A rehab assignment. Reds take a day-to-day injury and drive the player out to a farm to live out the rest of their life.

Joey Votto – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .224. Wonder if he has one last surge of Old Votto^TM. I don’t think he does, but I also thought it was a good idea to start Ian Anderson and Ashcraft in the same league.

Tommy Pham – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .252. That homer is for everyone who’s ever sent a fantasy trade offer pretending a recently-injured player is totally healthy.

Graham Ashcraft – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.53. Wasn’t a great day to start Ian Anderson and Graham Ashcraft. *puts on potato sack labeled “SHAME” and walks out on the freeway*

Jason Heyward – Hit the IL with “old.” Cubs called up Narciso Crook, which sounds like a bad guess when someone is asked, “Name the character Wesley Snipes played in New Jack City.”

David Bote – Left the game with shoulder soreness, which caused him to miss two months, after he collided with Nico Hoerner, who was never told, “Don’t rock the Bote, baby.”

Patrick Wisdom – 3-for-6, 6 RBIs and a double slam (15, 16) and legs (3). He had a fantastic first three innings, which I know because I was watching Ashcraft get his Asscraft handed to him. It was an Ashcrash on my teams. A Cashedcraft. An I’m-in-the-middle-the-ocean-stuck-on-a-raft. What did I do to get this Ashwrath?!

Christopher Morel – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and still hitting 9th for some unknown reason. This is a fun game, let’s play, “How long until David Ross’s thoughts get through his brain?” I’ll say six days.

Cristian Pache – Optioned to Triple-A Las Vegas. If he stays there long enough, everyone on the A’s will join him.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. He’s making the case for the most watchable Elvis currently in theaters.

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Wondering if Ram-Laure (uhh) gets traded in July, I went to look at his contract details, and the A’s are not paying him anything, so prolly not.

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, as he hits leadoff. Since France went down (not to German Marquez, oddly enough), Jul-Rod’s moved all around the top three spots in the lineup, and has hit in every spot, I love him so much.

Dylan Moore – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Speaking of France, Moore was supposed to be the recipient of the French’s playing time, but Oye Como Va was traded for, and now Moore’s getting playing time because everyone in the M’s lineup, except for him, beat up the Angels. If you understood all of that, you deserve a cookie. Go tell Carrasco.

Justin Turner – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Has anyone ever seen Justin Turner and Toomgis at the same place? Pretty suspicious, right?

Jeffrey Springs – Scratched from his start, due to a family emergency. Sending our best and hoping he returns for a much better matchup.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and, I think, his 24th homer in the last ten games. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy, because: Of course.

Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Everyone’s gotten hot at some point this year. Well, everyone except Teoscar Hernandez (and Jonathan India). On the Player Rater, Jonathan India was around 1000th. That’s with three zeroes!

Santiago Espinal – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I think if you were to log every comment from April until now, you’d see Espinal is in more than anyone else. And you’d end up as crazy as me.

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.74. Sonavabench! In a deep league, I literally started this schmohawk every other start. Finally, I get cold feet and this guy gives me a hot foot!

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Since this was the only day game, I was obligated to watch. My takeaway:  Sure hope Bieber doesn’t lose his slider any time soon, because he will be stuck throwing a 91 MPH meatball. Saying Bieber is reliant on his slider is like saying White Castle is reliant on sliders. Yeah, super no dur.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, as the Guardians took their second consecutive walk-off win. His walk-off left the announcers speechless. Anyone have a negative fantasy category for Speeches?

Chris Archer – 4 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 6 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Six walks? Who’s playing the Archer who couldn’t shoot straight? Don Knotts?

Adrian Houser – Left yesterday’s game with elbow tightness. No one ever gets elbow looseness, huh?

Jack Suwinski – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 13th homer. Kinda figured he’d hit 15 homers on the year. Kinda figured wrong! He could have that by the break. Shame he’s got a 31% strikeout rate. He’s a cheap Christian Walker. Call him Sitting Jew.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. The only people uninterested in Oneil Cruz are those who haven’t seen him hit. If you’ve watched him connect, you’re a thousand percent sold.

JT Brubaker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.28. Streamonator was only slightly negative on Brubaker, which sounds as positive as it’s ever been on a Pirates pitcher.

David Bednar – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.50. Uh-oh. Not good. This is coming off him saying he had a sore back. Wouldn’t be surprised if he needs an IL stint now. The last two saves went to Yerry De Los Santos (1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.84).

Michael Perez – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th, 5th and 6th homers. Holy batty calls that only .0001% of people did! Okay, the Jack Suwinski three-homer game was one thing. I shrugged it off. Then, the Bryan Reynolds thee-homer game, and I started to get suspicious. I let it seep into my brain water and sipped the acumen-t tea that it wasn’t anything that special, besides a good hitter having a great night. Michael Perez homers thrice? Thrice?! I couldn’t do a Pirates’ lede three days in a row, could I? No, I couldn’t. The Pirates have hit 44 homers this month, which is the second-most they’ve hit in a single month in franchise history. What I’m now wondering is if the Pirates wrote “Humidor” on a glass case that does nothing, and are storing their balls in there.