Giants Suggest Brewers Change Park Name To Burnes Center

At one point, the Brewers’ color man, Bill Schroeder said, “Looks effortless, doesn’t it?” And no truer thing has been said. The next closest truest thing is when I said, “It would almost be worth being on death row for a crime you didn’t commit, just to have your life VO’d by Dateline’s Keith Morrison.” Brewers’ pitching coaches make everyone better — they turned Eric Lauer into 1986 Roger Clemens — but when they have something to work with, like Corbin Burnes (6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.75)? Well, then the entire enterprise is firing on all cylinders. Just an absolute joy to watch. Sure, I don’t draft top starters, but I appreciate them just the same. 26 swings and misses, best of the season. Unfair cutters? Oh, he had some of those. Filthy curves? He threw some of those too. Elevated 97 MPH fastballs? Yeah, there were those too. Didn’t really understand in the preseason when people were drafting starters high, but even more confounding were the people drafting starters before Burnes. He is the best starter in baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Willy Adames – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. “Maybe instead of holding smelling salts under his nose, we use the smelling salts to cure those giant 7th inning stretch sausages–Hold on! Adames moved! He’s alive!”

Joc Pederson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 3rd homer in two games. I guess hot schmotato, but he really should just be rostered.

Luis Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He hit that one like it was off Mariano Rivera to win the World Series.

Anthony DeSclafani – Expected to miss a few weeks with ankle inflammation. He went to an ankle specialist, who said, “Yup, that’s an ankle.”

Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.24, as he was used clearly as the closer — clearser? And Jake McGee (1 IP,  ER, ERA at 3.18 in the 8th) got got in the 8th, as Trevor Gott got got; Joc got Gott.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. I should’ve mentioned in Sunday’s roundup. Grichuk doesn’t just homer in one game. He’ll have four homers by May 1st.

Connor Joe – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Joe hit six homers last August, and with four homers this month, but didn’t really play last September….So averaging roughly five homers a month? Mr. Prorater would tell ya that’s a 30 HRs in a year pace, and Mr. Prorater would add, “If everyone in the world left a penny and didn’t take a penny, the national debt would be wiped clean.” Okay, Mr. Prorater, but that doesn’t sound right.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .231. You know what’s always great? When a guy homers, then declines high-fives because of his elbow pain.

Kyle Gibson – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Streamonator liked this start, and doesn’t like his next, but I have him in a weekly league, so allow me to say, “Wheeeeee!”

Bryson Stott – Sent down to the minors. Next Stott, Lehigh Valley! Wonder how long until we hear this for CJ Abrams, Bobby Witt Jr. and Julio Rodriguez. Don’t get me wrong, I hope never, but they all need to actually do something, and soon.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Lou-Gu-Ju is hotter than a Ju-bu in Ju.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a grand slam. *pulls fingers back just as the Buy Low window slams shut* Whew, almost lost a pinkie.

Matt Chapman – 1-for-4 and and his 3rd homer. Matt David Chapman murdered that ball!

Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.91, and Adam Cimber (4-0 record, 2.00 ERA, and 2nd blown save) owes my fantasy teams a win! Cimber! You bastard!

Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Pretty cool transition that Eovaldi went from a Big Ol’ Yikes to Startable Everywhere. Even the Streamonator gave him a positive score yesterday in Toronto, which would’ve been insane just a year ago this time, when I wrote my Eovaldi sleeper in 21 after 20.

Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Against the Dodgers, this start was more impressive than it looks. Or, ma nish ta nah, why are we still using unleavened baseballs after Passover? The perfs (kids call them that) don’t back up Kelly’s numbers, and he’s one more “okay, not great” start away from being back to the pitcher he’s always been.

Walker Buehler – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Dave Roberts left Buehler in just to prove a point to Kershaw. So, the baseball might be deflated, but the Diamondbacks are, like, one of 10 teams that I’d throw anyone against. Diamondbacks legit have one hitter, and he’s currently hitting .156.

Will Smith – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Did the ball say something about alopecia?

Eddie Rosario – Will have eye surgery to correct blurriness and might miss up to 12 weeks. Guess that’s better than just wearing those janky movie theater 3B glasses to the plate.

Taylor Ward – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Sonavabench! Damn it! Julio Rodriguez better have a huge week; I benched Ward for him. As for Ward, I just gave you my Taylor Ward fantasy in Friday’s Buy.

Michael Lorenzen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.93. As the definition for Anaheim Steamroller states, “Most Anaheim Steamrollers are Homeschoolers.” Hmm, defining a term with the term doesn’t seem like the best definition. Yet, *Kombucha girl turning her head, thinking about it* kinda makes sense.

Shane Bieber – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.82. You put “Shane Bieber” into Google, and it says, “Let me guess, you’re searching what’s his velocity? Still not great.”

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Captain Woo Cubano’s hitting .167. He’s a .290 hitter. That’s how early it is still. It’s so early, Kyle Tucker (3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal) is a .280 hitter, who’s hitting .169 with a .246 OBP.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.80. On a scale of 1 to 10, how surprised would you be if it was revealed Scherzer was an actual cyborg? Maybe a 3? So, there’s some backlash that he’s not a human, that lasts a day or two, but then you start to realize you always kinda figured he wasn’t human anyway.

Jacob deGrom – Mets said there was considerable healing in his shoulder. That’s good, especially since he hasn’t thrown in a Jacob deGrom season game since July 7th.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Nimmo just lost one!

Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.21. “Hello, Rob Manfred, yes, this is your Guatemalan seamstresses hotline. Yes, of course, I’ll tell them to tighten the stitches. Of course! I will relay your information.” That’s Miles Mikolas, who had the MLB front office’s calls forwarded from the Guatemala baseball factory to his house. Is Mikolas pitching over his head? Literally and figuratively. No, he can’t keep this up. Figuratively, more than literally.

Giovanny Gallegos – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.43. As someone who watched this, I’m still trying to understand how any of these runs were earned. These were the most unearned earned runs I’d ever seen.

Brendan Donovan – Recalled by the Cards to be the “Hey, why not Nolan Gorman?” guy, and to backup a few positions.