Yesterday, Carlos Gomez went 2-for-3 with 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers. Only took until the 87th game of the year for a big game. Maybe I’m a goofy chicken. Maybe I’m a guy that puts feety pajamas on over his head. Maybe I walk into a Subway and ask a sandwich artist, “Do you smell onion?” Maybe I stare at people playing Jenga and try to move the pieces with telekinesis. Maybe I pronounce the D in Django. Maybe I call diner waitresses “Sweetheart” and old guys “Sonny.” Maybe I could be wrong, but — here it comes, Razzball nation — I wouldn’t be shocked by a huge 2nd half from Gomez. Can’t be much worse than his 1st half, could it? Don’t answer. Let’s hold hands and ruminate. Figuratively! Let go of my hand! Last year, his 2nd half was much worse than his 1st half and in 2013 it wasn’t that different, so there’s nothing here historically. What Gomez does have is a track record that had him drafted in the first round in most leagues, and showing next to nothing so far. His ground balls are up (not literally) and his fly balls are down (literally) and he’s making lousy contact. Again, there’s no reason to think he bounces back, but he was nursing injuries in the 1st half, and hopefully he stays healthy. If you have to take a hard way bet and can get him cheap enough, I could see it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Khris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 1st in his 2nd game back. Since I stashed this guy everywhere while he was DL’d, I’d love to see him get hot, and this is really all about me. And me. Who was that?! Did you hear that?!
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.96. On the bright side, he’s finally making his peripherals look as lousy as his ERA.
Ryan Braun – Sat out with minor wrist soreness. Who do you want, Braun or Lind? C’mon, you have to admit when I asked that in April it sounded absurd but less so now.
Kelly Johnson – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He’s currently playing first, but his name is boring as sh*t and Terdoslavich sounds like sh*t, so until the Braves call back The Terd, I will call this guy, Turdy Johnson, who sounds related to Pujols.
Freddie Freeman – Braves are saying he’ll be back by the end of July. And I say, of course, they’re saying that. What are they going to say, “Don’t buy tickets for anymore games, fans, Freeman’s gone and we got Turdy Johnson floating around our infield and we don’t go to Flushing until the end of the season.”
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .295. Maybin’s playing under a cloud of “He’s good, but, of course, he’s going to get hurt soon,” though he’s not hurt now. But soon! Damn, you caveats!
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 4.56. Has two straight decent starts, but I’m still worried Teheran is hiding weapons of mass ratio destruction.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.81 and he has 98 Ks in 99 1/3 IP. If I jumped out of a DeLorean in March and told you that I know Ubaldo will have a 2.81 ERA with a nearly 9 K/9, where would you have drafted him? Top 100? Okay, so now explain how he’s only owned in 70% of leagues. Um, yeah.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .301. Machado hasn’t had any huge stretches, like nine homers in six games-type stretches, so I kinda understand it, but he should still be getting some accolades. Where’s his accolades, y’all?! He is the 6th best player for all of fantasy. Au Shizz, Bryce, Trout, Frazier, Donaldson then him. On a related note, how about three 3rd basemen in the top ten and only two 1st basemen? And only one starter. By the by, next week, I’ll have a top 100 for all of fantasy for the 2nd half.
Chris Davis – 3-for-4 and his 19th homer. On pace for 35 homers and .240? I think you take that every day and twice on Muesday, the only day it’s ever okay to lick a donut and put it back.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (18) and double legs (8, 9) as he make a push for the final vote spot on the All-Star team. Just think, if he played for the Royals, he’d be playing every position in the game and pitching an inning.
Joe Mauer – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting over .400 in the last week. When I tell you to pick up Mauer, it should make you take notice since I’ve never liked him. Hatfields and McMauers, we are!
Tommy Milone – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Stream-o-Nator called that one, like a baller!
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-3, 1 run. Hot schmotato alert! Brucely, the entire Twins lineup has been hitting for about a week now.
Denard Span – Won’t play until after the ASB due to his back issues. He’s now headed to see a back specialist in Dallas. Ooh, maybe he’ll run into Charlene Tilton! (By the way, Charlene Tilton now looks like everyone’s stepmom. “Dad, Charlene is always watching QVC.” “Shut up, son! She’s finding deals!”)
Kolten Wong – Out of the lineup after he was hit on the head and suffered a mild concussion. This feels to me like a situation where Wong doesn’t return until the 2nd half resumes. This could be the worst a Wong has been hit on the head since a nasty game of sack tapping.
Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting it off Pedro Strop in the ninth. Well, we can count another guy out of the Cubs closerousel. Oh, and Rondon’s ERA is down to 1.98 and still not being used in the ninth, so this seems to be Motte’s job to lose.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.93. The Regression Fairies really chipped away at Wacha’s ERA like they chip away at completing their Liza Minnelli album collection.
Jason Hammel – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hamstring after one perfect inning. Why do I feel like teams think it’s the last week of September? Cubs, you haven’t wrapped up a division in 178 years, how about we push your guys a little harder? It’s only the break, people!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4 and his 1st steal. Okay, I can deal with it. It’s baby steps at actually providing fantasy value.
Michael Cuddyer – Sat out yesterday for the sixth time in eight games. Honestly, I think this is my biggest pet peeve. Have the decency to go to the DL!
Jacob deGrom – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.14. I’m no wizard of YouTube like Al Gore, who made that on the 7th day he created the Internet. I’m an expert at HTML if we’re talking about “How To Meet Ladies.” But how has no one made a DeGromGromGromGromGrom video in the spirit of this?
Eric Campbell – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .176. The average is a little low, but his power looks right in line with David Wright.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Unlike a lot of recent starters that are just returning and unlike even his teammate, Cain, I have a special place in my heart for Peavy. It doesn’t hurt that he has around a low-3 ERA in the NL West in his career. Sure, that’s because of a 2.78 ERA in Petco in 596 IP when he was a perennial Cy Young candidate, but now you’re quibbling, you quibbler!
Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with back spasms. That comes a day after he hit a grand slam. In other words, don’t underestimate the universe’s ability to level things out.
Jefry Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Marte is the weak-side of weak-ass platoon (w/ O Brother Where Art Thou Offense, Krauss) filling in for Miggy. But enough about that, here’s a moneymaking idea! We buy all of the M-A-R-T uniform letters in the world, then sell them to the Tigers for a million dollars a letter.
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, 2 runs. His bats finally got to Seattle?!
Nelson Cruz – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. So, you’re prolly thinking to yourself, “Self, Grey’s handsome as fudge, and didn’t he also tell us to Sell Cruz?” I told you to sell him on May 22nd. At the time, he had a .354 average and 17 HRs. He has 4 HRs and has hit .258 since my Sell. Yup.
Dustin Ackley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Looks like that 2014 sleeper isn’t too shabby, huh?!
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 9 ER. So, what you’re saying is he didn’t have his best stuff? Okay, got the message, but I would’ve just as readily welcomed a text message from him.
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .280. He’s cooled off dramatically, which isn’t to say he histrionically fanned himself in a Merchant-Ivory movie.
John Jaso – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Hot schmotato alert!
Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer as he returned from his sore hamstring. Sonavabench! You were supposed to sit out one more day! Not return against my Archer. So, I got all the damage done to my ERA, but reaped no rewards. Screaming a’la George Costanza, “I want my just deserts!”
Alcides Escobar – 4-for-5, 2 runs, but we have better news. He actually attempted a steal! Next step, being called safe.
Alex Gordon – Left yesterday’s game with what appeared to be a badly strained groin. Like a “just hit puberty, getting turned on by a bowl of mashed potatoes” pulled groin. Ned Yost said Gordon could be out for months. Damn, that’s more like “just hit puberty and flipped the channel to Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time video.”
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I’ve already picked him up for the batty call today. C’mon, three steal game!
Starling Marte – Still not playing with his “sore side, but we’re not saying oblique, we’re just being vague” injury. Wouldn’t surprise me one bit to not see him play until the 2nd half resumes.
Mark Melancon – Got the night off and Bastardo closed it out. If only he could close the cold case about who fathered him.
Justin Upton – Scratched yesterday with oblique soreness. Great, see you in August! Ughton, not you, too. As with Marte and Span and Wong and anyone else hurting right now, wouldn’t surprise me to see him held out until next week.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. The Home Run Derby is played out. It needs a facelift! How about all the guys participating are disappointments? Kemp vs. Longoria. Or just unlikely? Dee Gordon vs. Ben Revere. Or two pitchers. C’mon, MLB, liven it up!
Avisail Garcia – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. I’m officially done telling people to pick him up. If I see him listed in a series of names that are on your waivers, don’t worry, I won’t tell you to pick him up. Message heard, everyone hates him.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, a walk-off off (stutterer!) Roberto Osuna. Maybe because he used to be a Diamondback, but I keep expecting more from Eaton. I sound like a real foodie!
Scott Kazmir – Left yesterday’s game with triceps tightness. I’m surprised the A’s didn’t say he caught salmonella from Gray just so Kazmir wouldn’t be damaged goods on the trade market. Meh, I guess it’s fine, the Yankees will still trade for him. The more dilapidated the better!
Jesse Hahn – Had his start pushed until Saturday with slight elbow discomfort. 1-800-Slight-Elbow-Discomfort also happens to be Dr. James Andrews’s office number.
Fernando Abad – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. Hurt his back last week trying to sit down in a beanbag chair. He says it feels better now, but worries about re-injuring it if he accidentally sits down on Billy Butler.
Andrew Miller – 1 IP, 2 ER and his 18th save. He forked over a long ball to Semien. Ew!
Mark Teixeira – 2-for-3 and two solo homers (21, 22). I was curious to see who the Zombino was following on Twitter. Well, that’s who we should all be following!
CC Sabathia – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.47. Home Run Derby pitchers this year? CC and Verlander! C’mon, MLB, add intrigue!
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-4 as he returned from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’d get him in my lineup, but, of course, he’s a Yankee and everyone at ESPN loves Ellsbury. I think he’s on average ranked in the top 15 every year here.”
Michael Morse – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. He’s not quite there yet, but if he hits another homer in the next few games, I’d grab him in all leagues, because Morse is the type to hit 12 homers in 15 games.
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He hit it against Miami and he looks just like Florida Evans. Coincidence? I don’t know.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 5.90. Well, okay, it would’ve been hard to make it go up.
Jeremy Hellickson – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his thumb. Sounds like Dire Straits.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Debating hard where I’m going to put him next week in my top 100 for the 2nd half. Right now, he deserves top 20 overall consideration. Fo’serious.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Where’s the boeuf?!
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, 1 run. Could he actually be fogging up the mirror under his nose?
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks vs. the Phils. Honestly, I’m surprised he even gave up a hit.
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. The Committee To Free Corey Seager groans.
Mike Trout – 2-for-3 and two homers (23, 24). Imagine Trout were playing in the early 2000s when Selig was sticking needles in players’ butts as they walked onto the field. He’d have a 50/50 season.
Trevor Bauer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 3.76. Here’s the thing, I think I’m gonna love Bauer next year. He’s got velocity, strikeouts and pitchers usually take a few years to find their groove. Next year will be his third full year, right around the time when starters tend to come into their own. With that said (no, don’t reverse!), I don’t fully trust him this year.
Preston Tucker – 2-for-4. He keeps getting multiple hits in a game, but no counting stats to really wet me whistle. Like you don’t sometimes talk like a leprechaun.
Dan Straily – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Well, if it ain’t StrAAAAily. You know, cause he’s a Quad-A pitcher. You didn’t know? Well, now you do. I am robust in knowledge like my brain is Billy Butler’s moobs.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. The home run he hit was up around his eyes. When he swung, he looked like a lumberjack. With an axe to grind! When Gattis goes into a diner, he orders a “me” breakfast. He chops his own bats, then uses those bats to chop more bats.
