Boston Tea Party Missing Their Ketel

Ketel Marte didn’t show up to Fenway Park on Monday, and, honestly, good for him. Mondays stink. As someone who went to school in Boston and went AWOL from freshman through junior year, due to, uh, one Ketel, been there, man. (Okay, in fairness, we put Popov vodka in a bottle of Ketel to try to impress girls.) Ketel, check out Faneuil Hall. Go see the Charles riding on a giant duck. Newbury to Cambridge, it’s lovely this time of year. Maybe a tad humid. Get a cannoli in the North End with Ben Affleck. So, DBacks put him on the restricted list, which means there’s some serious stuff going on with him that I should not be joking about and I’m going to look terrible in retrospect, and this is going to get dated so fast, or, as I imagine, he just hates the DBacks, as he has for the whole year, didn’t show up to the game and will happily to be on another team in a week. Ketel Marte about to reappear as the Dodgers’ nine-hole hitter. I’m kidding (I think.) Until then, go get a cone at JP Lick’s and chill! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Martinez – Activated from the IL. He hasn’t worked in back-to-back games, but he could get occasional saves. Inside that ‘could’ is the whole universe. It’s like the marbles the aliens are playing with that have the universe inside them. Only one whole marble is that ‘could.’ Martinez threw four innings in his rehab, which I find humorous when I think about Josh Hader being in a rehab for months, and Martinez had Tommy John surgery. DBacks must be like, “Meh, who cares, let’s see him rehab in the majors.”

Jordan Lawlar – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Due to his proclivity for injury, Diamondbacks’ insurance premiums just went up. (Or maybe because they just lost their 2nd baseman in a mall.) Lawlar’s interesting to monocle, I guess, but it has to be a pretty deep league where I’m just randomly picking him up without seeing anything first.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer. I have good news to report, Chad Tracy finally figured out Adley is not a three-hole hitter. It’s wild how little MLB managers know about players who are not on their team. I feel like it’s my NL-Only leaguemates when I mention someone in the AL. They’re like, “Lawrence Butler, is that the name of the bulldog mascot?”

Elly De La Cruz – 2-for-8, 1 run, 1 RBI with 5 Ks in the doubleheader. E!’s 2nd half stats are like the photo in Back to the Future that starts fading when George and Lorraine don’t meet and it starts disappearing and won’t someone please play E!’s cousin, Marvin Berry, the song Seven Nation Army or something to get E! going for the 2nd half?

Dane Myers – 3-for-5 and his 4th and 5th homer. I grabbed him off waivers for a batty call, and I’m starting to think I should give fantasy baseball advice!

Ivan Herrera – 1-for-6, 1 run and his 14th homer. I want to acknowledge that I watched the better part of both games (okay, like five innings, maybe), and I’m not sure if I ever saw two teams with less interesting starters. Andre Pallante (6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.57) is lucky to have not allowed 7 ER, and Rhett Lowder (6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.17) looked worse.

Quinn Mathews – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.00. He had a 5.6 BB/9 in the minors. He has a 6 BB/9 in the majors.

Starling Marte – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to discover time travel.

Maikel Garcia – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. More thoughts on him below in the Vinnie Pasketti blurb.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Royals are getting back a lot of guys who are “Exciting if you had a head injury in March and haven’t been able to put thoughts together since.” Could Maikel and Vinnie be good? Of course. Will they? Well, it hasn’t been a banner year.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (33), and 2nd homer in two games. Please get hot, I need to feels the joys de Witt in the dog days of Suzanne Somers.

Jeff McNeil – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. I saw him high up on the 7-day Player Rater and I thought to myself, “Have some dignity and don’t think about picking him up.” Stupid dignity. Is that a sin?

Tommy White – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in two games, and hot schmotato, for sure, but I also like Tommy The White. Solid hit tool, and Bing Bong for the ding dongs (next week).

Edward Cabrera – Hit the IL with “take your pick.” He will return from his made-up injury to the pen.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. Seiya ball!

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and a double slam (30) and legs (31), hitting .281, becoming the 1st Cubs player to have consecutive 30/30 seasons. It’s fun to be a fan of PCA, because I no longer have to come up with excuses why I don’t like him.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, 2nd in two games. Max is the Munciest!

Shohei Ohtani – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homer. He’s stat-padding in Coors? Cool, stat-pad!

Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 11.85. If I had Edwin Diaz in a league, I’d be at the point where I wouldn’t want him brought in.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Unlike Diaz, Snell returned without missing a beat. Prolly because he wasn’t actually injured and the Dodgers concocted some nonsense for him.

Luis Castillo – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.99. Did he pitch well last week just to stick a banana in our tailpipe this week?

Oneil Cruz – Activated from the IL, and didn’t play, which is hilarious. No notes. Just perfect managing by LL Donkey.

Framber Valdez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.35. He’s doing this to me. I’m so sorry if you got involved. He hates me and is being petulant.

Kevin McGonigle – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. I like McGonigle so take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt: His real world value is higher than fantasy, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s over-drafted next year.

Max Fried – Hit the IL with an elbow bone bruise, and Carlos Rodon will be taking his spot in the rotation. There’s a concern that Fried might be, well, fried.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.51. Looking at the box score and seeing the Marlins’ pitchers were Junk/King, and all I can think is how Frank from American Pickers died and they just kept rolling, producing the show with a new guy teamed up with Mike. If I croak out and MarmosDad starts doing the roundups, at least take a beat and ask what happened to me.

Brian Navarreto – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Also, big time looking forward to Navarreto’s upcoming film, Digger with Tom Cruise.

Martin Perez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.15. What kind of sadistic freak pitches well for four months until I pick him up, then pitches poorly?

Bailey Ober – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.62. Bailey Always-Take-The-Under-On-Innings.

Shane McClanahan – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.25 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin Cash said that McClanahan will be eased back, and I say, “Guy who averaged, like, 4 1/3 IP a start is being eased even more? Oh, great.”

Ryan Vilade – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, Hot schmotato, sure, but he’s also in a pretty nasty platoon, being treated with the LLAMAS.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer. Muscled that one out. Literally. Al Brawn does that.

Coby Mayo – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer. This homer went 468-feet and I have an idea to measure homers by vibes because this seemed to go 550 feet, so that should be its official measurement.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-5 and his 28th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games and third homer in a week, and he’s one of the top hitters since the All-Star Break. Albombso!

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in three games and third homer in a week, and he keeps being platooned for some reason that escapes me. Not a terrible platoon that kills all his value, but it does make him in weekly leagues a little more challenging.

Brandon Young – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.52. Streamonator says he gets the Rays again next time out, and once again I’m saying MLB really phoned-in this schedule where teams all play each other repeatedly in different cities.

Nolan McLean – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.34. His underlying stats are kinda gorge and I’m impressed more so with doing it on the Mets. It’s like being a good cook, and cooking well on an airplane. Surprised this isn’t a Food Network show already. One of my biggest Boomer complaints is that the Food Network has zero cooking on it. I don’t care if you can make something out of milk, anchovies and Triscuits. Just cook! Wild thing is cooking on Youtube does so well. It’s kinda like how music videos now regularly get a billion views on YouTube and MTV doesn’t air them. Now get off my lawn!

Daniel Duarte – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.89, and his 2nd save, but Kodai Senga had worked previously so it’s nothing, and usually I don’t even mention these but I just dropped Duarte and held Yennier Cano, who gave up 3 ER without recording an out, and I’m just venting now, ignore me!

Christopher Morel – Mets called him up (and he didn’t play). Ya know what I just realized, Morel doesn’t get enough shine for when a guy comes up, and is great then fades quickly. Missed a good opportunity to call that Pirates guy, Esmorelyn Valdez.