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So, Adolis Garcia hit the IL with a right knee patellar tendon strain, because the haters won this round! It’s okay the haters lost the round where they drafted Sandy Alcantara in the 2nd round. Though, they won the round where they drafted Acuña, that was a pretty big round. Ya know what? We’re not going to keep score for the Haters vs. Me. I might win some, I just lost Adolis. Sucks. I will cry now for five minutes, please excuse me. *claps hands with wet eyes and snot flying out nose* I’m back, snitches! And up is Evan Carter. Is that Jay Z’s brother, you might be asking. It is, and he’s here for The Blueprint 4. It’s a Hard Knock Life, Vol. 3. Hey, real question: Why does Jay Z label everything with a stupid sequel number? Yo, HOVA, just come up with a new name.

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Was listening to Fleetwood Mac’s Everywhere (Remastered) when I saw the news that Jordan Lawlar was being promoted, and the wind chimes playing in the background were perfectly timed as I spun out, arms outstretched, seeing stars because my equilibrium isn’t that good. Then Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac starting playing and all I heard was, “Tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little young player guys,” and now I don’t know what the Mac is trying to tell me. Do not confuse me, Mac!

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I’ll get to Jose Altuve, but, damn, the Astros were like, “Oh, yeah, Rangers, you’re going to challenge us for the division? That’s what you’re going to do?” Mean’s while, Mariners are like, “Hey, what about us?” Okay, now the lede: Jose Altuve did what? Three homers in three innings? Finishing with: 3-for-5, and his 13th, 14th, and 15th homer, which he hit in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd inning. Mark Whiten must’ve been sweating! I know this is about fantasy, but he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer. I’m not a denier of the Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang Scandal. I am not an ostrich. But cmon. Has he been cheating every year of his career? Fine, wanna dock him one year for cheating? Do whatever you want, but he’s a Hall of Famer. I’m not just saying this because we’re the same height. Fine! It is that reason! Us Short Kings get one guy every 20 years, let us have Altuve! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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There’s no point in me pointing out that I wrote a Justin Steele sleeper this preseason. It’s so long ago now! So much has been written since then! Has anything, perchance, been written that was that illuminating that the Pulitzer committee, all 12 people in Switzerland, all drafted Justin Steele in their fantasy leagues? Does it matter that people, who have been stopped on the highway doing 120 MPH, have been allowed to leave after showing the police officer my Justin Steele sleeper? Does it matter that my Justin Steele sleeper has made advancements in medicine to cure the hiccups? No! None of this matters! What matters is I wrote that gee-dee post, snitches! Yesterday, he went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 12 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.55. But that doesn’t even matter! The hiccups are now gone! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Yesterday’s game in Cincy saw the Cubs and Reds combine for 22 runs. So, what’s going on with my son? Elly De La Cruz went 0-for-5 with four Ks? Forget Ticker Tease, that’s Ticker I’m-A-Born-Again-Virgin-From-That-Teasing. Not cool, man! Losing my virginity once was awkward enough! That 22 runs is why I get so scared of Reds starters in Great American Smallpark. It’s dangerous! It’s like if you’re allergic to peanuts and they throw you this:

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Rockies’ manager Bud Black was one of the best pitching coaches. It is such the Rockies’ move that they hired him to coach in Colorado. It’s like everything the Rockies do needs to be sent through the “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator. Here, I’ll show you: “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator make sense of hiring Bud Black. “That’s easy, Grey, the Rockies figured he could coach up their pitchers from a 4.75 ERA collectively to a 4.65 ERA, and win one more game.” Brilliant stuff! Hey, “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator, what about the Kris Bryant signing? “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator, you shouldn’t smoke it’s bad for your health–Oh crap! It’s overheating. Someone call for help! So, without the “Make Sense Of This Stupidity” Generator, we’re going to have to figure out Hunter Goodman‘s call-up on our own. Will he play? He absolutely should. I’m interested in all leagues because: 34 HRs in the minors this year at 23 years of age, and he hit .371 in Triple-A (only 15 games), but he makes solid contact for a power hitter. A power hitter in Coors! Sign me up! The only question left is it a coincidence that when Goodrum went to AA, we got back a Goodman? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

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“All Waiver Claims Are Mines,” the newly minted state motto of Ohio. Previously, the state motto was “Put Slop On My Pasketti.” So, I’ll be honest, I kinda like the new waiver wire claim madness. Or WWCM as it’s known colloquially. The WWCM gives us one more shot in the arm of excitement as fans, and it allows teams who got ungatz at the deadline to make one final push, like the Guards did by grabbing Lucas Giolito, Reynaldo Lopez, and Matt Moore. It’s a move, in retrospect, that makes so much sense yet I never thought the Guards had it in them. Kinda thought if you poked the Guards with a stick, they’d remain motionless. Giolito is the only one that has any fantasy value in all leagues — the other guys might have value in Holds leagues, but that’s about it. Giolito goes to a better park — Flo from Progressive Field is dead-last for offense. That is slightly misleading because if you have good pitching, you’re going to suppress offense — dur. Still it’s up there with the best pitchers’ parks. I’d put it in the top five for best pitchers’ parks. Giolito’s biggest issue is allowing homers and walks. Walks won’t change in his new park, but the homers should. He’s likely still a 3.75 to 4.10 ERA pitcher, but that’s better than he’s been, especially if it’s on the low side of that projection. Change your license plate frame, it’s not just a slop on pasketti state anymore! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Sadly, Spencer Howard was released by the Yanks. Shame, their big trade deadline acquisition just never caught on for them. The release of their big-name acquisition signals a changing of the guards by the Yikes. First, Donaldson, now Spencer Howard. Who’s next Jake Bauers? Now, let’s not talk crazy! They also put Harrison Bader on waivers, and the writing’s on the wall, and the rumors are swirling like orange and vanilla for the creamsicle of the future: Jasson Dominguez. He’ss cominguez. You need to grab him now and see how it plays out. If he’s not any good in his first go around, then *raspberries lips* and drop him. So, why such hype? He’s the truth. Looking at a guy who could put together a 20/40 season over 162, and he might be the last of the red-hot call-ups. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Lucas Giolito, Randal Grichuk, Hunter Renfroe, Reynaldo Lopez and Matt Moore were all placed on waivers by the Angels. Everyone makes fun of the Rockies, and they deserve it, but the Angels are the Rockies with better on-field talent. The Angels are a joke organization. They were going for it literally three weeks ago! They get nothing for any of these players, by the by. It’s not like they get draft picks or something. They just traded away prospects three weeks ago for these guys and they are just being released. All they get back is money. So, Arte Moreno can build a smaller hot tub inside his larger hot tub. On a real baseball note, the playoffs just became fascinating, since the waiver order is the reverse winning percentage, so maybe that late push by the Mariners to pass the Rangers wasn’t the best move. What does this mean for fantasy? Honestly, I doubt much. It’ll depend which teams pick up each guy, but you have to assume Grichuk and Renfroe are platoon players on better teams, and Giolito is a mess wherever he pitches. Unless he goes to the Rays, then he becomes a late-stage Cy Young candidate. As Matt Truss said, if the Angels pulled that nonsense in a fantasy league, Tommy Pham would smack the crap of out of them. Angels’ City Connect unis should just be white flags. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1385528″ player=”13959″ title=”2023 Fantasy Football Rookies” duration=”173″ description=”0:24 Jahmyr Gibbs 1:05 Kendre Miller 1:54 Jaxon Smith-Njigba ” uploaddate=”2023-08-19″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_th_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_sd_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1385528.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″] On Saturday, Jordan Wicks went 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, in his 1st major league start for the Cubs. Wicks Miss Sticks! Send it to the printer! […]

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The Ghost of George Steinbrenner stands with the Ghost of Billy Martin, discussing how when you’re dead, they realize, you can see the future. They decide the best way to communicate this future they see, where the earth is ablaze, is through a medium. The medium’s name is Aaron Boone. After an elaborate seance with lots of candles, they realize they are not witnessing the future, but they are actually in hell. The Ghost of Billy Martin says, “The heat does help with the hangover.” Then they ask the medium how the Yanks are doing. Aaron tells them, and Billy punches him, while George fires him. With that guy gone, they take over control of the team and the Ghost of Billy and George bring up, Everson Pereira. The other day I said Pereira could be better than Volpe. (That was meant as a compliment.) Itch’s said, “Pereira strikes out a lot for a premium prospect, but he makes enough impact that he could still catch on as a regular without making significant gains in the contact department. If he does figure out how to strike out less than the 30-ish percent rates he’s carried throughout his career, the 6’0” 191 lb Pereira will lay waste to the pitchers in his path. He’s not a burner but stole 21 bases in 28 attempts across two levels and should be able to chip in 10-plus big-league steals without much trouble. Or ‘good trouble’ like beating up Grey.” Okay, not cool. Speaking of not cool, during this time of year it’s better to go with a vet, who is hot, then a guy brought up by two guys who are hot as hell, but Everson could be rostered in all leagues looking for a power/speed upside play the final month-plus. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?