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Yesterday, I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2024 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd, if you’ve drafted so and so first. For easy reference, the royal we will be using the Top 10 for 2024 Fantasy Baseballtop 20 for 2024 fantasy baseball, and the beginning of the top 100 for 2024 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Sign up for multiple leagues, and beat the heck out of your frenemies or make new frenemies!)  Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2024 fantasy baseball drafts:

1. Ronald Acuña Jr. – Metaphorically, I just cracked my knuckles. Did you hear me? That was a rhetorical on my metaphorical! If you get the 1st pick in a draft, you literally cannot go wrong with your next pick. It’s impossible. Put your 2-year-old on your lap and let them choose your next pick. Did they say ‘baba?’ No, they said Boba, as in Bo Bichette. Now you have to draft him. A 2-year-old was able to draft a 2nd round pick after Tildaddy. That’s how good he is! Put your dog on your lap, and let Rex choose. Rex chose Pete Alonso? Well, I don’t know what to say. It’s just that easy! Or your dog Rex might have a future in fantasy baseball writing. Can he rank corner men? Okay, ping me later about Rex coming on board the staff. You can’t draft incorrectly if you have Acuña. Feels slightly unfair that one team is getting a 40/70 player, but let’s hope the person with Tildaddy gets trapped under a stack of phonebooks and can’t manage their team this year. The only word of caution I’ll say with Acuña that is pretty obvious, don’t draft two outfielders in the 1st two rounds. Cool? Cool.

2. Julio Rodriguez – Thinking about drafting Julio Rodriguez with my first pick, and then immediately yelling, “Let’s f**king go!!!” at my computer. What a fun experience it will be when I do it. Karl Marx defined “Drafting Julio Rodriguez with your 1st pick” as “Opium for the masses.” Don’t ask me, it was his thing. So, Jul-Rod is ranked this high because of the OPIUM, MAN! Nah, because he’s great in five categories. That means category-wise he pairs with everyone. Clearly, we don’t want another outfielder, but just about everyone else is green light means go. Riley? Let’s FFFFFFFFFF go! Semien? Um, can you imagine Semien and Jul-Rod on the same team? You just spontaneously combusted from your orgasm. Jul-Rod and Devers? For’evers and ‘evers. Jul-Rod and Lindor or Gunnar? You scored, shooter! Albombso? Alrightso! Literally, anyone but an outfielder.

3. Bobby Witt Jr. – I love BWJ so much that I dream about drafting him, then I wake, raise my head up and realize I accidentally took Cavan Biggio. What a nightmare. If you’re not living that nightmare scenario, grab BWJ and any big ol’ power bat at a corner or outfield slot. You want BWJ and Bryce Harper? I say, yes, you do, even if my rankings say it’s not possible. You took Bobby WJ? I say Devers. You drafted Witt Jr.? Albombso sounds like the Allbestest, which sounds like asbestos, which is your batting average projections, so be careful there. Witt and Riley? You honestly can’t find a better pairing. I love that so much. Witt and LouBob? Eff it, let’s roll! Witt and Lindor? No, dude. Witt and Semien? Why can’t you draft a corner man or outfielder with power? Are you always this obstinate?

4. Corbin Carroll – Samesies as Bobby Witt Jr. but this time we’re not going outfielder, and we are going infielder, even a middle one. My biggest issue with Corbin and Lindor or Semien is you might be in a power hole and average. I’d prefer if you went Corbin and Riley, Corbin and Devers, Corbin and Olson, or Corbin and Freeman, but Freeman will never happen, because he’s being drafted way before I have him ranked. Corbin and Alonso? Yeah, I will. Corbin and corner bat with power excites me greatly. I can’t draft Corbin and Harper, according to my rankings, but, in reality for, uh, fantasy, Corbin and Harper is a strong possibility and I like it.

5. Kyle Tucker – There’s no way you can go wrong with Tucker, because he does everything and I just told you how to draft for him in the Corbin blurb. Go with a corner or middle infidel. Unlike Corbin, I don’t mind Lindor and Semien at all with Tucker. Kyle’s got your average on lock and can handle those other two. Tucker and Harper or Riley or Olson or Albombso or Devers? I honestly don’t know how you lose your league. Tell your commissioner to wire the league fees to you right now.

6. Mookie Betts – I’d look at Mookie Best more like Tucker than Corbin. So, Lindor or Semien with Best? Yest. Betts and and Riley or Olson or Albombso or Devers? You are totally following now! Though, with Best and one of those corner men, you’re in a steal hole vs. other drafters so you need to remain vigilant about making up the speed you lack. Yes, someone who can’t keep a diet going for more than three days we are asking to remain vigilant. This is your chance to prove us wrong!

7. Fernando Tatis Jr. – Fun The Jewels is a recurring theme in this year’s pairings. Everyone is a 30/30 threat (well, until this point in the rankings), so they all go with anyone you can draft, aside from their same position. Fun The Jewels and Yordan? No, I literally just said that! FTJ and Lindor? Yes, please and thank you. Fun The Jewels and Allahson? Make the pilgrimage, baby! FTJ and Jo-Jo-Ram? Hot damn damn! FTJ and Freeman? I love this because Tatis might struggle a bit in average department, but, let’s be real, Freeman’s not going to be on the board in the 2nd round for that pick, but if he is, go for it. Tatis and Harper? I love it, and I don’t care what the haters say (BDon is the hater, when he saw my Harper ranking).

8. Aaron Judge – You, a man of exquisite tastes, “Am I really drafting the guy who just had the best fantasy baseball season in history two years ago with the eighth pick?” Me, a man who taught you such refined tastes, “Yes.” Once again, Judge pairs with anyone, except an outfielder. Where he’s not similar to the guys above is the stats he provides, but, if I’m being honest, and, for the first time ever, interjection, I am being honest, when I say I would go big run-producing bat, even though that’s what Judge gives, i.e., one might think Judge and Albombso is nuts on the power, but I’m stacking ribbies like I’m Tony Roma and taking two big bats with my first two picks. I kinda love the idea of those two from the jump, but you need to keep your lack of steals in mind. Please, think of the steals! Also, while on Jump Street, Judge and Devers? Yup, I will figure out steals later. Judge and Semien? Sure, I will figure out steals now. Judge and Riley? Again, just let me draft Jarren Duran later. So, Judge and any non-outfielder? Absolutely.

9. Juan Soto – Taking Sexy Dr. Pepper at 9th overall and you’re playing with house’s money. Give Hugh Laurie back his money! For guys who haven’t been mentioned yet, Pepper goes with all the usual suspects, Benicio del Toro Albies? I likey. Pepper and Freeman? Sure, but Freeman looks like he likes his food unseasoned, and that sounds like a good way to get 40 HRs, 5 SBs and .320 from your top two picks combined. Don’t hate the playa, the beach got nothing against you. Plus, Freeman’s being drafted before the middle to end of 2nd round, so it’s not happening anyway. Pepper and Riley? I would do a love dance with that, but you better keep in mind you have no steals. Pepper and Olson or Albombso? I’d kiss those pairings they’re so good. Also, it’s not a pipe dream to think you can have Soto and a few guys I have ranked above him. Soto and Judge? I don’t even care that you’re begging DJ LeMahieu to get on base in front of them and Rizzo to drive them in. I’d do it, but it’s two outfielders, which I don’t love. Soto and Tatis? Let’s get the boys back together? No, don’t draft two outfielders. Soto and Jose Ramirez? That’s Pepper and Jo-Jo-Ram to you and yes, yes, yes, please.

10. Trea Turner – I can’t stop thinking about how sexy a Trea Turner/Bryce Harper pick sounds. Then, you can move to Philly, eat nothing but cheesesteaks, have your doctor check your cholesterol, see it’s 444 and stroke out while opening your car door, then your son can take over your fantasy team and win the whole thing, weeping and sobbing loudly, telling his father’s best buddies from high school, who mostly have dementia, “I won this for daddy!” Or you could just go Treat Urner and Yordan. Treat and Ohtani sounds like a treat for my eyeballs and fantasy team. Treat and Lindor? No, dude. Don’t draft a middle infielder. I don’t even really love Treat and Jo-Jo-Ram, because you’re gonna have 50 total homers going into the third round and the person with Bryce and Yordan is going to have 90 homers total (because I’m mentally giving Yordan 60 homers). Just draft Treat and a corner man or outfielder with power.

11. Bryce Harper – In most leagues, Harper is a 2nd round pick, so you could conceivably draft Harper and Harper again. No, wait, that’s not right. I mean, you could draft, say, Jose Ramirez here, then Harper with your next pick, if you like. Or Harper then Ramirez, I guess, but there might be more of a chance Ramirez is taken by the 12th drafter, then you have to reach for Lindor or Albies or Semien, all fine picks, by the by. Or you could draft one of the guys above here who fell because someone drafted Spencer Strider. So, you draft Tatis as your 12th pick, then Harper as your 14th. Or Harper and Yordan sounds flipping awesome, but you better keep in mind you’re in a hole for steals. A hole? Yes, you are.

12. Yordan Alvarez – This is great year to have the 1st pick, because Acuña automatically wins your league, but another reason it’s a great year is because everyone who has the 2nd pick through the last pick of the first round is on level footing. Never before has it been, pick 2nd or 12th, it doesn’t matter. You’re all coming in 2nd! I kid. I am kinda jinxing Acuña, huh? He’s about to hurt his knee and be out for five months. Any hoo! If you draft Yordan, don’t draft an outfielder or a guy who gives no real speed. Captain Woo Cubano and Ohtani? Eff it, let’s roll! But I’d keep an eye on my steals. Yordan and Jo-Jo-Ram? Works for me. Yordan and Lindor? Sounds great! Yordan and Freeman? Meh, it’s fine, but watch your steals. Yordan and Treat Urner? Sign me for the 2nd best team after the guy who drafted Acuña and Patrick Corbin in the 2nd round.