Philly Resorts To The A-Bohm

Robert De Niro, dressed in a Phillies jersey with Phanatic-fur pants, points down a dark alleyway, “Hey, Kingery, I have some beautiful furs for you. Go ahead, what are you scared of?” Little did Kingery know that just down that alleyway was a group of Phillies fans readying batteries to throw. So, Phils called up Alec Bohm, and, while I did have a laugh at Kingery’s suckitude, I have to think this is more likely the end of Jay Bruce’s playing time at DH, but maybe Kingery loses some ABs too. During the shutdown, I wrote an Alec Bohm fantasy, but since I am more of a gent than Jimmy Conway, I will quote some relevant parts, “Last year in Double-A, Alec Bohm hit for power, he has 60-grade power, but even more glamorous is he had a 10.4% walk rate and 14.1% strikeout rate. He only hit .269, but that was with a .265 BABIP. He also had a 18.1% line drive rate, 41.2% ground ball rate and 40.7% fly ball rate. One other player with a 10.4% K-rate, 18% line drive rate, 40.5% GB rate and 41.5% fly ball rate goes by the name of Pete Alonso! Swoon! *draws hearts on Trapper Keeper, stares out at the moonlight as I lower my Rapunzel-like quarantine hair* By the way, Rapunzel was the world’s first quarantine’er. Prove me wrong. So…Is Bohm Alonso? Alonso is Bohm? Finkle/Einhorn? Einhorn/Finkle? No, no, yes, yes. Alonso strikes out way more than Bohm! Holy swooning, Batman! Bohm’s gonna be 24 years old in August. Double-A is not where he should be. Double-A negatives be damned, he has never not waited for his pitch at any level. The eye is there. He is taking so long to get challenged by MLB pitchers, that I worry he could struggle at the MLB level. Our Prospectonator, which gives 162-game stats for every rookie so you can get an idea of what they’re capable of, has some rose-colored glasses for Bohm, giving him 23 HRs, 5 SBs and a .265 average. That’s surprising to me, because I don’t think we have any idea what to expect from Bohm yet, let alone that highly. I’m concerned Bohm ever connects, but if he does, it better be this year, so he’s as good a dart throw as any.” And that’s me quoting me! There’s more in that article from Prospect Hobbs and Itch, but you get the picture like Bohm waits for the pitcher, and has power. I grabbed him in all leagues where he was available. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Spencer Howard – Since the Phils needed Vince Velasquez against the 1927 Orioles, Howard will likely pitch today. It could be a 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks start or a 3 IP, 4 ER, 3 Ks start. Literally no in-between.

Jake Arrieta – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.02. Arrieta had looked good coming into this start, but O’s bats have the O face and *grunts three times* you can’t stop that.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Jerry Tomato went oppo taco with the 1st homer, and now I’m asking for ‘salsa’ like a very white boy. Ya know what I’m thinking with Jerry T.? He’s the type who could hit for power or average, and he knows that a contract this winter is gonna be butter if he leads the league in homers in 60 games. He’s basically saying, “Come get me, Yankees!”

Rio Ruiz – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .271, and 2nd homer in as many games, and has been about as valuable as Alex Bregman on our Player Rater. Zoinks!

Pedro Severino – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .333. I was drafting Chance Sisco as my 2nd catcher everywhere back in February, and Severino was just sitting there for anyone in any league. Should’ve voted for Pedro.

Dylan Carlson – Will be called up when the Cardinals return on Saturday. That’s great news! *rethinks* Wait, what are…Cardinals? Is that a team? Going back in the archives, here’s my Dylan Carlson fantasy from this past offseason (from last October!), “First, some video:

As you can clearly see, Dylan Carlson has easy power–Wait a minute, the title of that says, “This Is Not Dylan Carlson.” Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle who scratches his butt for a living, that’s not Dylan Carlson! That’s Harrison Bader! Damn it! This is Dylan Carlson (the title gives it away):

Like a scrounchie, don’t get it twisted, Carlson does have more power than Bader. I just pulled an oppo taco video for s’s and g’s. His leg kick provides plenty of power and he’s a switch hitter that can hit from both sides of the plate, so a natural platoon shouldn’t be an issue. Speaking of which, playing time. Who’s got it, who wants it and who can’t get enough? Please check out my Soundcloud for more. Wait, I don’t have a Soundcloud.” And that’s me quoting me! Do we have any more clarity on playing time for Carlson? I have no idea, but worth grabbing him in case room in the Cards’ outfield opens (honestly, not sure where he plays). Carlson could be a top 40 outfielder the rest of the way, or droppable by Sunday.

Sean Doolittle – Hit the IL with knee fatigue. Fatigue? It’s fay-tee-gay! It’s Italian!

Juan Soto – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. I want to drink up Sexy Dr. Pepper! Drink it up!

David Peterson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Streamonator liked this start, and feels equally “works for me” for his next start, and I’m starting him, because Grey ain’t got nothing to lose!

Jeff McNeil – Was carted off the field after a fantastic play in a position he should’ve never been playing. Hey, who’s going to Mets if not the Mets? You don’t expect the Yankees to Mets, do you? In this economy? Any hoo! McNeil’s McKnee sounds like it might just be a bruise, and he’s day-to-day.

Tomas Nido – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs, and two homers. The .0007% Nido owners out there should get a Zoom party together and just say Nido to each other and snort.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-3 and his 5th steal, hitting .286. Absolutely loving Amed Rosario this year going by the name Gimenez. On the reals, Rosario prolly needs a trade to another team to ever regain his fantasy value. Welp, he had 18 months to do something and *raspberries lips*

Dominic Smith – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and the 2nd homer in as many games. Yesterday, I said hot schmotato. Today, I say, Dommie Baseball! He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could’ve been. To see who is in the Buy/Sell before it’s released on Razzball, join our Patreon. It’s $5/month, or the price of like nine stamps.

Ozzie Albies – Won’t be ready to return when his IL stint is over. Puts up the peace sign, “Albies seeing ya later.”

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.88, and lost a no-hitter to a Justin Smoak homer in the 7th. Bums me out like Evan Gattis pre-baseball to think we might’ve missed a career year from Darvish if we started this sucker back in April. Darvish was so primed coming out of last year to dominate, and he’s sticking with the narrative as preordained. This is your hero’s journey; Yu deserved better!

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .231. Joe Buck called this home run, then screamed, “Mother, you need new towels in the guest bathroom!”

Tommy Pham – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Gonna be interesting to look at some of these older guys (Pham’s 32 years old) who might’ve had their last productive year in 2020, and are they done for 2021, or was it just a weird year? You think this year is hard to rank guys, but next year will present challenges on how much to consider this year.

Chris Paddack – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.91. Ugh, it’s a bad year to quit sniffing glue. Hoping Paddack can right the ship, but, in 40 more games, righting the ship might look like Austin Powers making a U-turn in a tight alley.

Cody Bellinger – 0-for-3, hitting .165, as the Dodgers scored 11 runs. What an effin’ ticker tease this guy has been all season. Why did he tweak his swing? No one asked for this new shizz! What the hell is this crap, Chinese Democracy? Play your old hits like Welcome to the Jungle, you absolute ghoul!

A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .286. Could Manfred had waited until Paddack had left town before unleashing the SuperBall that bounces 500 feet off bats?

Julio Urias – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Compared to Paddack this was an ace performance. Can you tell I owned Paddack in a lot of leagues? I’m trying to shake it off, but it hurts.

Corey Seager – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he returned to the lineup almost a week later. Picked up right where he left off. Anyone know Chinese zodiac to tell me if this is the Year of the Seager? Might explain Kyle Seager too, but might not explain Joe Exotic.

Mookie Betts – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th, 6th, and 7th homer. This is the sixth time he had three homers in a game, a record tied with Johnny Mize and Sammy Sosa, two guys known for their pink country-western attire. Betts better, he better, he Betts! The 4th hit was a single though, so that’s kinda lame. Do better, Betts!

Xander Bogaerts – Out with lower body fatigue. Hearing a lot of this word ‘fatigue.’ Yeah, well, I’m cancelling that word. It’s body shaming to say someone’s body is fatigued. Fat’s in the word!

Kyle Hart – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 22.50. Sounds like the Red Sox found their ace.

Tyler Glasnow – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.04. When your team scores a bazillion runs, and you can’t get out of the 4th inning, that’s when I say, “Ya poo.” I’m sorry, but, “Ya poo.” I’d expect to hear Glasnow is either injured, or just not that good, and I don’t think any team says the latter, so expect something about the former shortly. Do I know the difference between formers and latters? Not exactly.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and just start all hitters in Coors, Buffalo and vs. the Red Sox. Literally, those three things are all the same. Honestly, I thought it would be more fun to see the Red Sox suck, but it’s just kinda pathetic.

Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Renfroe! Or as Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Mike Zunino – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!

Colin Moran – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 6th homer, hitting .241. I picked him up for a batty call yesterday and dropped him at the last second before games started for someone else. Haha, I’m the real Moran, amiright?

Adam Frazier – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .194. Pirates were due for a good game. I mean, c’mon, they’re an easy 4-win team.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .094. I was trying to think how many players on the current Pirates’ roster are everyday players on the Yankees, and I came back with the number one, and I think Josh Bell might even get platooned.

Keone Kela – 1 IP, 1 ER, as he was activated from the IL. He will take over as the Pirates’ closer. Over/under for Pirates saves is 2.

Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Galvis goes on these insane hot schmotato streaks once a year, and I’d say grab him, but no one actually ever grabs Freddy Galvis. I get it, he’s boring. Well, you know what else is boring? Wiping your ass!

Nick Senzel – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I told you he was a hot schmot–Wait, that’s Winker I’ve been saying that about. Am I the only one who confuses these two guys daily? About to call them Jessenzel Nicker and call it a day.

Anthony DeSclafani – 2 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.23. It’s not so DeScalfunny when he’s on your team.