Last week I drafted against Scott White of CBS and like ten other Razzball guys. Pretty soon this league’s draft will be Scott White smashing a bottle of champagne on the front of the Razzball ship, then twelve Razzball guys will battle for the ‘ship with Donkey Teeth screaming, “You’ve sunk my battleship,” and me saying, “I’m standing next to you, stop screaming.” So, it was B_Don, The Prospect Itch, Donkey Teeth, me, Scott White and some other ‘perts. Maybe those other Razzball guys will give you a recap of their drafts (if you ask nicely), but we’re here for my ishkabibble and I came away with a team more imbalanced than your aunt after two cocktails. This league is deep so hold onto ye olde hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:
C: Danny Jansen $7
C: Chance Sisco $4
1B: Trey Mancini $20
2B: Nick Madrigal $12
3B: Josh Donaldson $23
SS: Francisco Lindor $36
MI: Rougned Odor $14
CI: Rafael Devers $31
OF: Greg Allen $2
OF: Derek Fisher $4
OF: Tony Kemp $2
OF: Anthony Santander $5
OF: Giancarlo Stanton $27
DH: Nelson Cruz $23
Bench (free): Aledmys Diaz, Matt Duffy
P: Eduardo Rodriguez $13
P: Kyle Gibson $7
P: Danny Duffy $3
P: Marco Gonzales $7
P: Brendan McKay $7
P: Taijuan Walker $5
P: Diego Castillo $2
P: Jose Alvarado $4
P: Logan Allen $2
Bench: Ty Buttrey, Kendall Graveman, Daniel Norris, Patrick Sandoval, Sam Tuivailala
IT’S APPROPRIATE YOU DRAFTED GRAVEMAN BECAUSE YOUR PITCHING NEEDS AN UNDERTAKER. DID YOU DO THIS DRAFT WHILE BLINDFOLDED?
So, yes, the pitching has issues.
MY UNCLE WAS IN ‘NAM. HE’S GOT ISSUES. THIS TEAM IS A DISASTER!
Okay, I get it Mr. Al Caps. I hear ya.
DO YOU? BECAUSE THIS TEAM IS TERRIBLE! I NEED ONE OF THOSE EYE CLEANSERS FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL SCIENCE CLASS TO WASH OUT MY EYES.
All right, so I’ve seen better, too. Here’s what Rudy’s War Room says about my team:
You can see I’m high in all hitting categories, and my pitching is admittedly weak. Speaking of pitching (terrible segue alert!), if you subscribe to the tools, you get this War Room. Rudy and I use Rudy’s War Room in all our leagues. We win leagues, snitches, and people who are not Mike Fiers. Though, this team could’ve used Mike Fiers, instead it’s a dumpster fire. So, I clearly knew my pitching was a mess during the draft. I could’ve course-corrected. Or, as Fonzie’s horse would say, NAAAAAAY, I should’ve course-corrected. It was just, well, AL pitching is a nightmare. At one point, I was looking at Dylan Bundy and I started cackling like a mental patient that I was excited about him. Instead, I spent and spent and spent on hitting. My ratios should be middle of the pack, according to the War Room, and I need to get lucky on Wins (possible) and saves (less possible, but who knows). My Ks will not be good. One does not get lucky on Ks.
YEAH, I’LLL GIVE YOU THAT, YOU HANDSOME LUNATIC, YOUR HITTING IS STACKED LIKE PANCAKES AT AN IHOP DURING A VISIT FROM GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS.
Since this league is AL-only, I use AL-Only rankings and — here come the false rationalizations, y’all! — Francisco Lindor is 2nd overall and $38 and he’s great and–Okay, I was price enforcing. Mike Trout went for $46; Gerrit Cole went for $46; Justin Verlander went for $43; shoot (not you deranged, white man), Jo-Ram went for $34! I wasn’t letting Lindor go for $35. Wasn’t happening. Rafael Devers is the 5th best player on our AL-Only rankings and he’s $35. Usually, I don’t buy anyone over the cost of $30 in Only leagues, but, again, Devers wasn’t going for $30. Was not gonna let it happen. Not on my watch, which is a limited edition Swatch watch where the clock face reads, “Not on my watch.” My hitting is goofy. So, goofy, I didn’t even include Brendan McKay in my War Room totals–
WAIT A SECOND, YOU DIDN’T LIKE BRENDAN MCKAY. SAID YOU WEREN’T DRAFTING HIM. OH MY GOD, YOU SAID THE SAME FOR GIANCARLO STANTON. DID YOU GET HORNY MID-DRAFT AND FORGET EVERYTHING YOU TOLD US. OR ARE YOU A…LIAR?! THE ‘LIAR’ ENDING WOULD’VE STUNG HARDER IF THE PRECEDING WASN’T ALL IN CAPS TOO.
Was waiting until you caught that. It’s true, I don’t want Giancarlo and McKay, but everyone is ownable for the right price. At least that’s my excuse for Giancarlo. We have him listed for $32. You think I’m going to let my baby boo and his tight thighs just go for $26? Wasn’t happening. Plus, what if next month he says something like, “I’m going to benchpress one person who’s drafted me in their fantasy league?” To not even be able to enter that raffle? Are you kidding? Also, from what I’m seeing in early drafts, Giancarlo might actually end up on more of my teams. I don’t love him this year, but his price shouldn’t be that insanely low. On the other hand (were we using hands?), McKay was the real fubar pick. Our draft was going on three hours; it was noon-ish; I was hungry, and annoyed at how long the draft was taking so I nominated McKay for $7 and no one bid. Oopsie! Shizz happens. Last year, I drafted Bryce Harper in an AL-Only league for $10 (was before he signed with Philly) and I did fine in the league. I’m not too worried.
THOSE ARE TERRIFIC RATIONALIZATIONS THERE, BUB, BUT YOU HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED HOW YOU DECIDED TO NOT DRAFT A CLOSER.
Yeah, that’s another my bad. I did corner the market on Rays’ relievers who aren’t getting saves. I need 20 saves from somewhere to get the middle of the pack for saves. Castillo, Alvarado, Buttrey and Tuivailalalalalalalalala could get ten and then I have to scrounge for ten more. Last year, I got 44 saves and came in third — my drafted closers were Mychal Givens, Ty Buttrey, Blake Parker and Joakim Soria. I’ll give you a hint; I didn’t get 44 saves from them. Early on, I picked up Liam Hendricks off waivers. So, waivers are a desert of broken dreams and bad ratios, but there’s some guys out there.
TO RECAP, YOUR PITCHING IS A POOP EMOJI, BUT YOUR HITTING’S AN EGGPLANT EMOJI. LET’S CALL IT AN EGGPLANT EMOJI WITH WHAT APPEARS TO BE DIRT ON IT BUT IS ACTUALLY–
Okay, got it. Listen, everyone in this league has holes. One team’s pitching staff is Tarik Skubal, Joely Rodriguez and Nate Pearson, and I didn’t make up any of those names. Another team’s hitting consists of Nicky Lopez, Jose Iglesias, Adley Rutschman, Todd Frazier, Willians Astudillo and Bradley Zimmer. Where’d they spend their money? $77 on Gerrit Cole and Chris Sale. Another team is starting J.P Crawford, Austin Allen and Mike Brosseau. Again, every team has holes. Who knows, maybe Kyle Gibson will be able to get out of the 5th inning of games; Taijuan Walker will throw 170 IP and Jose Alvarado will save 30 games. And maybe when I eat white asparagus my pee will smell like marshmallows.
Before we cut out of here and go trademark our cheese & crackers dispenser, which is a bent-over man where you pull crackers from his crack and cheese fromunda, here’s our NFBC signup sheet for this year. If you want to play against me, Rudy, MattTruss or Donkey Teeth, put your email in the signup sheet below. It is $150 to play, but you can win $150,000 (I think, check their site for rules and prizes). In fact, last year’s overall winner of, like, $150,000 was one of our commenters. I’ve placed in the top 20 overall and won around $3500. You can also become a thousandaire if you win just your league. Plus, it’s fun (okay, no one’s here for fun. Fun’s on vacation! Wait, then fun would be having fun…Hmm… Moving on!). Leagues should start in about two weeks, and it’s a slow draft, so you don’t need to be available to draft at any set time. Any hoo! Join us by putting your email below, then Rudy will reach out to the peeps.