Cougs’ brother bought a place in Jackson Hole, Wyoming; I mentioned to Cougs at one point in the last five years of marriage I skied once twenty years ago, and that’s the story of how I drafted a fantasy team falling graciously down the side of a mountain. That’s right, ya boy went skiing this past weekend, and was drafting from a ski lift! Thankfully, Geronimo Berroa is no longer in the league, because I might’ve ended up with him on my team because I kept screaming out his name during each round. So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an AL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than your aunt after two cocktails. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:
C: Jonathan Lucroy $3
C: Blake Swihart $2
1B: Albert Pujols $6
2B: Jonathan Schoop $17
3B: Miguel Andujar $21
SS: Tim Beckham $1
MI: David Fletcher $11
CI: Matt Chapman $20
OF: Greg Allen $10
OF: Nicholas Castellanos $21
OF: Bryce Harper $10
OF: Ramon Laureano $14
OF: George Springer $27
DH: Nelson Cruz $22
Bench (free): Brandon Dixon, Ronny Rodriguez, Tyler Naquin, Chris Owings
P: Shane Bieber $18
P: Alex Cobb $4
P: Mychal Givens $11
P: Andrew Heaney $15
P: Blake Parker $3
P: Michael Pineda $5
P: Rick Porcello $15
P: Tyson Ross $2
P: Ervin Santana $2
Bench: Ty Buttrey, Matt Shoemaker, Joakim Soria
I DON’T WANT TO BE A NAYSAYER LIKE MR. ED, BUT THIS TEAM IS SO BAD YOU SHOULD RETIRE FROM FANTASY BASEBALL AND JOIN THE CIRCUS, YOU CLOWN.
Okay, that’s a little harsh and emboldened, Mr. Al Caps. Here’s what Rudy’s War Room says about my team:
You can see I’m high in all hitting categories, except steals, and close enough in pitching. Speaking of pitching (terrible segue alert!), here’s my last pitch for Rudy’s War Room. It is indispensable in deeper leagues. I do believe you can do just fine with the onsite War Room for 12 team and shallower leagues. For deeper leagues, Rudy’s tool (hehe) is necessary. You put a Y next to the name of the player and it automatically updates your goals and chances the player is available for the next round based on NFBC ADP. You can see all that here:
You can see there Realmuto is the only player with a chance (3%) to make it to the next round if you were to draft Castellanos in the 4th round. (That’s a screenshot of the 15-team NFBC War Room that I’m currently using for the TGFBI, which is why NL players are in there.) If you subscribe to the tools, you get the War Room. Okay, enough informercials! I used our AL-Only rankings for this league and I’m low on steals, but now is when I will explain how I’m not really low on steals while still being low on steals — it’s the false rationalization, y’all! On Steamer’s hitter projections, it has Allen down for 21 SBs, and I have him projected for 20 steals in the top 100 outfielders, but he stole 40 bags one year in the minors and others have him projected for a lot more steals, so let’s hope others are more right about my team than I am! Also, my hitting projections don’t include Bryce Harper. Speaking of which…
YOU DRAFTED BRYCE HARPER. I KNOW YOU DON’T KNOW ANYMORE THAN THE REST OF US AS YOUR TERRIBLE TEAM SHOWS, SO WHY DRAFT HARPER IN AN AL-ONLY LEAGUE WHEN HE LOOKS ALL BUT CONFIRMED TO GO TO THE NL? ARE YOU TRYING TO BE DAFT? BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU’RE SUCCEEDING AT.
Fair enough, Al Caps. Maybe it was the altitude sickness that caused me to draft Bryce Harper. Tee bee aitch, I got caught price enforcing a little. I don’t mind the gamble on Harper for $10 that he signs in the AL, even if that seems unlikely. I didn’t want him to go for $9, that seemed way too low. If he were to land in the AL, I am absolutely crushing offense in this league. Without him, I’m doing better than most teams. Let me give you some examples as to what $10 buys you in this league. On one team, Steve Pearce went for $7 and Troy Tulowitzki went for $3. I’d rather buy Bryce Harper for $10 than those two or take ten imaginary bucks and buy a twelve-pack of imaginary La Croix and imaginary burp in my imaginary Porsche. If you put Tyler Naquin or Chris Owings, both of which I bought for free, in my outfield, it helps my speed and still keeps me above my other thresholds.
THOSE ARE TERRIFIC RATIONALIZATIONS THERE, BUB, BUT YOU HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED HOW YOU DECIDED TO NOT DRAFT A PITCHING STAFF.
Every year pitchers just go for too much in this league, so I’m relegated to drafting a bunch of number three’s and a few wings and a prayer or two. I refuse to draft a pitcher for $30 or more, and, apparently, I made that $20 or more this year. For what it’s Werth, if I were to include Matt Shoemaker, who I got for free, in my pitching instead of Ervin Santana, my pitching totals look better. By the way, how do I draft Matt Shoemaker free in a 12-team AL-Only league? I know, Cousin Sweatpants, Shoemaker will be lucky to get 60 IP, but free? Sean Manaea went for $1! You know, the Samoan who is eating Samoa cookies this year instead of pitching. Long man, Felix Pena, who is currently ticketed for the minors, went for $5! The one thing I’m really kicking myself about is I should’ve drafted more bench arms that are projected for innings. Cody Allen is absolute garbage, and Buttrey is as sexy as his name indicates — Mmm…Buttrey…He makes me want to corn cob my mouth! I’m using that right…Right? Guys? — so I couldn’t resist that pick, and Soria in the final round of the free round? I know, Treinen is locked in, but a closer has never got hurt? In Chicago, Kelvin Herrera and Alex Colome are the two top guys, and someone drafted Nate Jones for $1! Soria’s the last free guy and Jones is a $1? C’mon, you can’t make any sense out of that. But, still, I wish I would’ve drafted another starter. You can never have enough starters in deep leagues.
COOL, MAN, COOL, YOUR BULLPEN IS MORE LIKE BULL#!&%
I DON’T CARE.
Let me finish.
Maybe, uh, May is the Twins’ closer, but he’s a $12 bet vs. a $3 Parker bet, and the Twins have not announced a closer. As for Mychal Givens, have you seen the O’s bullpen? I know they said they’re not naming a closer, but I’m naming Givens their closer for them, unless they sign Craig Kimbrel, because the Orioles’ set up man right now is Richard Bleier. That’s not the actor from Homicide and Law & Order, but he might be better than Bleier and his 4 K/9 and 88 MPH fastball.
TO RECAP, YOUR PITCHING IS A POOP EMOJI, BUT YOUR HITTING’S AN ALMOST POOP EMOJI. LET’S CALL IT A “TURTLEHEAD POOP EMOJI.”
Okay, one last chance to defend my honor. Everyone in this league has holes. One team’s pitching staff is Trevor Cahill, Marcus Stroman, Glasnow and…Ryan Yarbrough? I don’t know; that team’s staff confuses me. Another team spent $43 on Aaron Judge and is starting Brett Phillips, Devon Travis and Nicky Delmonico. Another team is starting Lucas Duda, Nick Martini, Alex Gordon, Rowdy Tellez, Franklin Barreto and Ryon Healy. Depth charts are not that team’s best friend. Again, every team has holes. Who knows, maybe Bryce Harper will sign with the Yankees and Ervin Santana will win 20 games. And maybe when you eat white asparagus your pee smells like marshmallows.