We go over Adam Jones later on the podcast. Kidding, no one gives two effs about Adam Jones. I mean, I’m sure he’s a pleasant enough guy. I don’t mean no one gives two effs like a person from Boston before they all became magically woke this past weekend. I’d let Adam Jones date my daughter, if I had a daughter. Shoot, he can date my mom if he wants; I got one of those. I just want Adam Jones in my family! *snaps fingers* They’re creepy and they’re kooky, all together ooky; The Adam Jones Family. Nah, it isn’t about him on why no one gives two effs about him, it’s because of how boring he is for fantasy. Not bad boring, just boring boring. Don’t put words in my mouth. Shut up, Random Italicized Voice. Yesterday, he went 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 23rd and 24th homers, hitting .281, and had zero hits the game before, and will likely have zero hits today because he needs to level out yesterday’s wonderful with a strong helping of boring. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Welington Castillo – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Where’s the boeuf?! By the way, I could wake from a six-month coma and know that old lady’s name is Clara Peller. I can never get rid of that memory, and she’s been dead for 30 years! I wonder if that’s what it’s like for Ken Jennings, but with everything.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .302. He will end with 32 homers and a .295-ish average and all the runs and RBIs that goes with that. Yet — again with some stank — YET! I get the sense he’s going to be underrated still next year. He’s an underrated Cano.
Boog Powell – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer. Yesterday, I was cyclops’ing him with a monocle, because of a three-hit game on Sunday, and now I’m leaning schmotato.
Steven Matz – Hit the DL with what Terry Collins called “arm trouble.” The Mets don’t have a medical staff, they have a brochure they found at a doctor’s office. A school nurse gives a more detailed account of an injury in note form when they send someone home from school. Arm trouble is like Robert Wagner telling Christopher Walken that Natalie Wood had ‘swimming trouble.’ The NY Daily News later said Matz has an arthritic elbow, and received a shot. Only they said it with the headline, “Matz’s Elbow Is Like Anthony Weiner’s Elbow Only Less Putzy.” Then Newsday came along and said, it’s a nerve issue, he needs season-ending elbow surgery. They said it with the headline, “Anthony Weiner, Like Matz, Has Got Some Nerve, What A Putz.”
Jeurys Familia – Could return this weekend. Take it from a guy who has Ramos and Familia, I’m not dropping Ramos until I see Familia get a save or two, and I don’t want to carry both of them either.
Robert Gsellman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.65. Putting aside the attitude we’ve heard Gsellman has, he went out and pitched well with Matz’s elbow, Harvey’s UCL and Thor’s shoulder. Mets have one arm, and now it’s yours, Gsellman!
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4 and his 27th homer. The Mets are like a 162-game eclipse. They’re standing in front of the Conforto, blocking his sunshine.
Yasmany Tomas – Will have season-ending core muscle surgery. Wow, this guy didn’t just crap the bed, he rolled around in the crap and shoved his groin into it. You are a “Paprika Holepuncher.”
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .270. He must’ve of heard people in the comments yesterday reaching their breaking point about him, and asking to drop or bench him. Y’all reverse jinxed the shizz out of him!
Taijuan Walker – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in Metco, ERA at 3.66. The Mets are fielding a lineup that doesn’t look good, and appears to care about as much as Gsellman.
Clayton Kershaw – Yesterday, he looked like his old self at a simulated game. He struck out 12 mimes and simulated one triple play.
Cody Bellinger – Out through Tuesday. Since the Dodgers clinched their division in May and don’t care about your H2H playoffs, they don’t need to rush him back.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer, and third homer in four games, across two different teams. Who are you, Joel Youngblood? You don’t look like Joel Youngblood, but if you say you’re Joel Youngblood, so be it. Obviously while Grandy is swinging a hot bat he should be owned.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5 and his 22nd homer. When Puig lets one fly!
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 3 ER– Oh, it doesn’t matter. He’s hurt again, and now it’s late enough in the year that the Dodgers may make Wood their sixth man until the playoffs. Wood’s velocity has been down in the 2nd half, and the injury is a joint flare-up — burn it if you got it! — that knocked him out for a few weeks earlier this year. I’d try to hold him for now, but this is not headed to a good place.
Gerrit Cole – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.16. Man, he makes it tough to like him. He’s like the opposite of the mafia. Every time he pulls me in, I want out.
Josh Harrison – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games, and, honestly, seriously, interjectingly, he should prolly just be owned. I mean, I wouldn’t want to, but he should be.
Tim Melville – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, in his first start. Fun fact! Tim Melville wrote, “Nobody Thinks I’m Dick,” a story about a whale of a problem being taken serious as a major league pitcher.
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-7, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Well, he’s no Gregory Polanco. For this year, he’s been better. Viva Jorgory Polanco!
Byron Buxton – 3-for-8, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Ralph, Halp and I(alph) discuss Buxton on the podcast today, and whether or not this breakout is real or just last year part deux.
Nicky Delmonico – 1-for-6, 3 runs, and a slam (6) and legs (2). He’s been a hot schmotato since hundreds had small faces.
Carlos Rodon – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Ugh, can I draft Rodon for 2018 already? He’s making me horny!
Jose Abreu – 2-for-8, 2 runs and his 25th homer. Abreu is one big trust fall. He never gets crazy hot, so you don’t know he’s going to be worth owning all year, but, you get to September, and he’s on usual pace of 30 HRs, .290, 100 RBIs. Y’boring, but y’solid.
Yolmer Sanchez – 1-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Yolmer reminds me of Khmer Rouge, which sounds like a makeup line, and it was led by Pol Pot, which sounds like Polish noodle joint. “Hey, Courtney put on your Khmer Rouge and go serve those servicemen some broken up pierogis.”
Juan Minaya – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save. He’s running away with the White Sox closer job, which is hilarious. Not funny hilarious, but “Wow, you’re so sad” hilarious.
Joey Gallo – Suffered a nasal fracture and is showing concussion symptoms after his collision with Matt Bush. Head first into Bush hasn’t gone this poorly since Banky’s flashback in Chasing Amy.
Delino DeShields – 0-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th steal, and third steal in two games, hitting .281. With Gallo out for at least a week, DeShields has some sweet SAGNOF in his gams.
Tyler Skaggs – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Not exactly a case of FIPlash, but five baserunners doesn’t completely compute into four earned either. Guess what I’m saying is hopefully this two-start week doesn’t turn out completely awful.
Chris Stratton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.98. Two straight solid starts and now I have to look him up and– *looks at his player page* Yikes. No thank you, but happy birthday!
David Price – Played catch yesterday. Has been shut down due to soreness about what Eck said.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Guess how many RBIs he has. I’ll lay it out for you, he has 19 homers in the middle of the Red Sox lineup, and Andrew Benintendi (2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer) has 70 RBIs. Benintendi has been hitting above Hanley for most of the year, so prolly less RBIs, right? Hanley has 48 RBIs. Haha, WUT.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, 1 home run allowed, and no win, ERA at 4.01. Stream-o-Nator predicted a line for Ed-Rod of: 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, 8 baserunners, one home run allowed and no win. The extra third of an inning and two more baserunners though? What a rip! Okay, small pitch. Rudy puts a ton of time into our fantasy football projections, and they are now available for subscription. Wanna support Razzball? That’s a great way. Thank you.
Mike Clevinger – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.97. Hmm, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to bring Clevinger in for three relief innings a few days ago. No one could’ve predicted that.
Andrew Miller – Was just activated from the DL and sounds headed back to the DL with the same patella tendinitis. This is a knee injury, not the Patella I should’ve went to med school with.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .224. Rudy texted me yesterday, “Right now, it’s Albers vs. Albies. If called by NESN, we’d all be wondering why a bunch of trees was pitching to a shitty roast beef sandwich.”
Mike Foltynewicz – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.95. Legit, there’s two starters with ERAs under 4.50 in the majors. Hayzeus Cristo!
James Paxton – Will play catch on Wednesday. C’mon, Paxton, too much planning can take out the spontaneity. Just grab a ball and ask someone if they wanna have a catch.
Felix Hernandez – Will resume throwing in the next two days. If there are two more days, that eclipse felt like it was portending some serious apocalyptic scenarios. That reminds me of a Yankees’ clubhouse eclipse story I heard back in 1992. Don Mattingly said, “This is the most amazing eclipse I’ve seen,” followed by, “Oh, my bad,” when he realized he was standing behind Roberto Kelly and he was absorbing all the sun’s rays.
